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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step children bruised and scratched from Mum and step Dad, what to do?

48 replies

RussianD0ll · 25/08/2019 10:18

My partner has two boys (5&6). They often come to our with bruises and scrapes, but this time I asked what had happened and the eldest said “[stepdad] hit me”. On probing a little he also said that they often get hit “when we’re doing bad things” and that mum hits them too.

What should we do? I don’t have a relationship with their mum at all and she has previous with abuse and assaulting my partner with their children present. I feel completely out of my depth - if something really awful is happening I feel I can’t ignore it, but also don’t want to start a war...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

meow1989 · 25/08/2019 10:23

If your step children are disclosing physical abuse you need to take it further, regardless of whether it starts a war, they can't protect themselves, you can protect them. This may mean a call to social services. If things escalated and professionals were involved and found out you knew and didnt do anything to keep thEm safe it will reflect badly in you and your partner.

Has your partner approached their mother to ask? What are the boys saying exactly and how bad are the injuries?

JontyDoggle37 · 25/08/2019 10:23

Call social services. The children are the first priority, always.

meow1989 · 25/08/2019 10:24

I realise I've read that as a worst case scenario by the way. For balance!; it depends on whether the hitting has injured them as however you may feel, smacking with a hand and not leaving a mark is unfortunately legal.

Original poster

RussianD0ll · 25/08/2019 10:42

@meow1989 One has autism and additional needs so can’t say anything to us about it, but he has bruises on his back and legs and a scrape on his hip. His brother has bruises on his legs and back and told us his step dad hit his brother, and that both him and mum hit them when they are bad.
I know deep down it probably needs reporting, but I guess first step is for my OH to have a conversation with their mum... which will be a complete nightmare and he doesn’t really want to do it.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 25/08/2019 10:44

Ask SS for advice. Don't let their Dad be assaulted as well.

meow1989 · 25/08/2019 10:48

The back is a fairly unusual place for bruising so my gut would be this needs a discussion with childrens services, or you can discuss anonymously via the nspcc. I know it's hard and intruely understand the want to keep things civil but these kids need protecting and the fact that they (or rather, one on behalf of both) have told you makes me think they are wanting you to step in.

GenuineKlatchianPottery · 25/08/2019 10:50

I m not sure that speaking to the mother is a good idea.
In my mind you wouldn’t talk to an abused adult’s partner as that would put the abused person in a dangerous position.
Speak to SS urgently, I’d also make schools aware of what the children have said and what you have seen. Take photos of any marks on the children and make notes of what they told you on what date.
Poor kids

Whosorrynow · 25/08/2019 10:51

You can't ignore this, apart from anything else start keeping a detailed log of everything that happens

NewName54321 · 25/08/2019 11:08

Don't ask the children any more questions. Write down what they did say. Call Social Services.

Milkstick · 25/08/2019 11:09

My gut here says speak to SS without speaking to them, because they will quickly find excuses for the things happening to tell them if they visit. As PP said - kids are a priority.

NewName54321 · 25/08/2019 11:10

Sorry cross-post. Don't speak to the parent until after you have spoken to social services, and then only if they advise you to do so. Make sure you outline the SEN involved.

Whosorrynow · 25/08/2019 11:11

I agree don't tip them off, that will give them a chance to start covering their tracks

AppleKatie · 25/08/2019 11:13

It sounds like the very worst thing your DH could do is speak to his ex.

Please write everything down and ring social services for advice.

Fairylea · 25/08/2019 11:13

Call social services and speak to their school. I wouldn’t confront the mum. If it’s being disclosed so honestly and openly I would think it’s happening a LOT at home. I would be tempted to keep them at yours although legally I don’t know where you would stand with that.

Whosorrynow · 25/08/2019 11:16

are there any indications that the mother and stepfather have told the children to keep quiet about things that happened in that home?

Teaandchocolatecake · 25/08/2019 11:16

Don't speak to the Mum, there's no point, she will deny it.

I would keep the children (how long do you officially have them for?) and call Social Services. I don't know how easy this is at a weekend, but I would suspect that your local a&e department would be able to help you contact someone if you're finding it difficult.

Have the children discussed their relationship with Mum & Stepdad before or has this the first time anything has been disclosed?

ImPermanentlyConfused · 25/08/2019 11:18

The location of those bruises and grazes and unlikely to be from them playing, it is likely to be inflicted upon them.
Do not talk to mum or step dad, it needs reporting

Vasya · 25/08/2019 11:22

I know deep down it probably needs reporting

There's no probably about it. It definitely needs reporting. And I wouldn't bother talking to the kids' mother first - it could make things much worse for the children if she punishes they for talking about it.

This isn't a ' deep down' feeling. There's no dilemma here. You have to report.

titchy · 25/08/2019 11:34

When are they back at school? I'd bide my time for a week or so, then ask the school if they have noticed bruising and if so what the children have said. Assuming they are competent in safeguarding then a neutral third party reporting to SS as well as you will be far stronger if it comes to court. Think about what you want long term - for them to live with you? Mother to do parenting classes with SS monitoring?

Whosorrynow · 25/08/2019 11:36

I feel you are being too hesitant about this OP and looking for reasons to not get involved because of the trouble it could bring into your life, I appreciate that a very harsh thing to say but that's the vibe that I get from your posts?
We can't throw innocent children under the bus because of the trouble that will ensue when we speak out about abuse.

ClemDanFango · 25/08/2019 11:39

If you don’t report this you’re enabling it to continue. There is no probably.
It’s your DPs job to protect his children even if means protecting them from their other parent.

Apolloanddaphne · 25/08/2019 11:40

I used to work as a child protection social worker. Your step children are being assaulted and you need to take steps to protect them. This means reporting the abuse. Either speak to SS or the police. Either can help. If you don't report it you are being complicit in the abuse. It needs to stop and you can put things in place to ensure this happens.

NeelixFelicis · 25/08/2019 11:41

Do not tip the mum and SD off.
If you do, she's very likely to just cut your contact completely with the DC, and then you can't do anything. It gives her time to formulate a story, and she may even coach the DC to say you assaulted them.

I would contact SS as a priority.

Not sure of the legality of it, but can you photograph the injuries, and leave a phone recording in the room and ask the boys about the bruising again? Someone more knowledgeable on here may be able to say if this is a good idea or not.

Apolloanddaphne · 25/08/2019 11:43

Don't ask them about it any more! That's the worst thing you can do. If they are injured you could take photos of these though.

Chocrichtea · 25/08/2019 11:44

Hi OP. Yes the back is an unusual place for a bruise. If my DS went to nursery with bruises on his back/stomach area they would do a body map and Mark it on the chart and they would report it to SS. Your OH does not need to have a conversation with her. Also it could make the smacking worse as they might take out their anger on the kids. I would report to SS without hesitation and keep the boys with you and your OH.

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