Step children bruised and scratched from Mum and step Dad, what to do?

[RussianD0ll]

My partner has two boys (5&6). They often come to our with bruises and scrapes, but this time I asked what had happened and the eldest said “[stepdad] hit me”. On probing a little he also said that they often get hit “when we’re doing bad things” and that mum hits them too.

What should we do? I don’t have a relationship with their mum at all and she has previous with abuse and assaulting my partner with their children present. I feel completely out of my depth - if something really awful is happening I feel I can’t ignore it, but also don’t want to start a war...

There's 2 things you need to do.

Firstly is report to SS. A child has disclosed physical abuse.

Second is take steps to keep the kids with you. Initially as an emergency and then FT. SS will assess the risk of returning but it's stupid to report and return. I get today is Sunday but first thing tomorrow your OH needs to take initial steps for temporary court order.

If there is a contact order currently in place then I think you also have to report to the police - so wt h they aren't returned you aren't at risk of being done yourselves.

I understand why you are hesitant, you may worry that as a SM and ex you could be thought to have an agenda and be trying to cause trouble for the mum for your own reasons. I think you just have to report this and speak to the SW if needed. They will soon see you are a genuine person with the dc best interests at heart.

Take all the personal out of it - stepparents, ex partners - there are children being abused and you cannot ignore to save the feelings of adults. Tell the school, tell social services, don’t speak to the abusers. And don’t wait.

Talk to the NSPCC. They can talk this through with you now and give advice.

The helpline is 0808 800 5000

If you google child protection or safeguarding and your area you should get the number/s that you need to report your concerns. I also wouldn’t talk to the other parent first. The children are the priority here. Any photos that you can get without upsetting the children could be useful, as would be a note on what the children said, in their words.

I understand the reluctance I really do, but sod the mother. If it turns out that the children are being abused by her or by someone else with her knowledge, then she’s only got herself to blame. You’re doing what’s right by the children and that’s all that matters.

I wouldn't talk to the mum about it, leave it to social services, they will investigate themselves otherwise you are giving them time to come up with excuses if they are hurting them, if they aren't then no harm in SE investigating

Ideally you need to record their words on your phone without leading them in any way (easier said than done) then report to social services. At 5&6 though it is not beyond possibility that it is being exaggerated or even made up too, especially if they prefer dads (they are old enough to play parents off against each other for sure). You need to have an open mind and let professionals investigate, it's essential at no point to put words into their mouths because that could cause the case to collapse

Sorry SE is SS

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and support. I think I needed a bit of validation from people outside the situation to get a bit of confidence. We’re going to contact social services and get professional advice, take some photographs and not confront their mum yet.

If your step child had disclosed this to a teacher in school they would report to ss. They would not contact the parents as it gives the parents time to get their stories straight or opportunities to hide/

Take pictures of the bruises, call SS and explain the whole situation including the abuse toward your partner. Keep a record of any further abuse. Explain to the SS that this could compromise any relief the children have from the current abuse. Unfortunately nothing might be done, but when I needed the SS against a family member they were quick to help. But, we withheld the children from a fairly unbothered mother so it was quite different though still awful.

Don't record or make a big deal to the kids. Report to social services now, they will likely come and talk to kids, maybe ask for medical opinion. Don't take them home, don't wait till school opens. Ssd will liaise with school, there may be other reports. Holidays are dangerous miserable times for abused kids. Please act now.

Absolutely do not speak to the mother. You are potentially putting these children in more danger by doing so. The fact you even question that you might not need to contact SS is crazy. They are being abused. Unless they have a nasty habit of warping the truth/lying, this needs to be taken very seriously. No child should be hit so hard it leaves a fucking mark.

Safeguarding basic rule. Do not talk to the potential abuser, DO report the safeguarding concern immediately. You can Google your area and who to report a safeguarding concern to, or non-emergency police can signpost you.

I’m glad you’ve decided to report without telling the mother. IMO it’s a complete no-brainer. Poor children!

Posted too soon sorry...

If your step child had disclosed this to a teacher in school they would report to ss. They would not contact the parents as it gives the parents time to get their stories straight or opportunities to hide/create evidence to back their side of the story. This may not be the case in your situation but don't take the risk.

Your job here is to report it and the key the professionals do their job and to guide you as to what to do next.

Photograph all the injuries with an automatic date stamp on the photos.

Dad needs to report it to SS.
Dad needs to talk to the school.
SM do not engage in any conversations with mum or SS yourself until they approach you.
Good luck

How awful! I wouldn’t be letting them go home to that

Please ring ss today. It must never happen again. So pleased they have you and your dh to advocate for them.

Do not tell her. Call the police or nspcc and they will take it from there. Do not return the children to her until you have done so as the abuse will likely escalate as punishment. Do not ask anymore questions now you have established abuse is happening, leave it to the experts. Do photograph any non intimate injuries for your records. Act now, today. Not deep down it should be reported blah blah. There is no question, no decision to wrestle with. They've disclosed abuse now you and DH need to protect them or you are being complicit.

You'll need the emergency duty number as it's a Sunday. You can usually Google this by adding your LA area.

Are they going to be staying with you and your DP OP?