AIBU - don't want any more time with SC

[daffy287]

I am probably going to get slated for this but here it goes.

DH has 2 sons from a previous marriage. We have a DS ourselves who is nearly 1 now. His relationship with is ex is not amicable, they hate each other. They've been to court numerous times. Ex is a bit bonkers and jealous, she kicks off all the time and makes ridiculous accusations. We have DSS for 2 days one week, 3 days the next and half of all holidays which was agreed through mediation. It's all going to court again at the end of the month and DH is going for a contact order for shared care, 1 week with, 1 week without.

I think there's a good chance DH will get shared care. But the problem is, I don't want it... he is by own admission a bit of a Disneyland dad and does everything he can to make them happy. They aren't disciplined either for fear of upsetting them. If I ever say anything (not that i often do) I'm shushed. I once said I was a bit cross and got told that was too harsh!

They are very lovely boys and I have a great relationship with them. They do demand a lot of attention and we spend a lot on activities and toys to entertain them. I can live with the current arrangements and we just get on with it but I don't think I can do anymore...

Shared care would mean we would have to change working hours for logistical reasons. I also kno that DH won't change and it will drive me insane. He's off playing fun dad while I'm doing all the boring stuff and taking care of DS by myself.

AIBU to say I don't want arrangements to change?

This is why I ran in the other direction from any man who had kids when I was single and childfree and have very strongly advised my own kids never to even date a person who has kids already.

That being said, YANBU because in typical fashion, this man wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants when he want but you to do all the donkey work.

There is zero way I'd reduce my hours to enable this. As for this:
It does impact on me because i share child care in school holidays. I do clothes washing, getting school things ready, cooking all meals etc. just NFW. Nope. This would NOT be happening and would be very clear to him and if he balked and didn't step up he'd be a Disney dad to 3 boys not just 2. He takes on a fair share or you walk.

There's usually a very good reason why these 'dads' are divorced - scratch the surface and you usually find a lazy, entitled manchild who expects the womens to do all the grunt work in life.

And we wonder why step mums have a bad reputation - some of the comments on here - scorpiovenus are so sad.

It just demonstrates so many people do not want the SDCs, are happy for a man to look after pay for their DCs but this is not reciprocated.

Thank heavens for decent SMs out there who do not see their partner seeing their DCs more as pieing off!

This thread is depressing

The OP has a choice. She ie other women in her position don't have to do it all

Oh, agreed! It’s that some posters on here seem to be suggesting that OP just sucks it up and reduces her hours etc because her husband has decided he wants his kids more.

People like scorpio are the reason the evil stepmother stereotype exists. Ignore them.

I dont agree with 50/50 as a concept but its a possibility and really should be considered by all women who get together with men who already have children.

You don't get a veto on this. Only on the work you do for them. Most of these men are divorced for a reason.

It’s worth remembering that some SMs have it a lot harder than others (like all things in life).

it just demonstrates so many people do not want the SDCs, are happy for a man to look after pay for their DCs

well in this case its op and her dps JOINT DC so absolutely fucking right he should be looking after and paying for them.

The mum might not be happy with the Disney dad parenting too. My ex is a Disney dad and it infuriates me, he won’t say no, won’t discipline them, doesn’t enforce bedtimes and lets his mum do all the parenting decisions. They come back tired, ratty, cheeky and I have to then be more strict to get them back in their routine.
I wouldn’t want 1 week on 1 week off for my kids, I think it’s too long away from either parent and prefer having set days each week.
If it happens you need to have a serious talk about his parenting. Disney parenting doesn’t benefit the kids and just makes everyone else’s life harder! I don’t blame you for not wanting it to be honest I wouldn’t either

HOUSE RULES

Same rules for every child who enters the home including visiting children (friends).

Type them out
Print and put on the wall
Gently remind of house rules

It is bonkers not to discipline children. They don’t need their dad to be their buddy, they need a dad.

I really think this needs to be addressed

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be honest, by the sound of it it's not that you don't want to spend more time with the children, but that you know he will be useless and leave a lot of it to you; as well as making it tough by not parenting them and expecting you to just deal with it. You acknowledge it isn't a SDC problem but a DH issue, you need to talk to him, if he won't change then you need to think about what sort of life you want to have. He needs to agree to step up if he expects you to accept the situation.

I think you're in a very difficult situation and I can relate somehow. My fiance has his kid over the weekends and he doesnt discipline him, and like yours, he is a Disneyland dad, which is exhausting and annoying for me because when I do say something I'm the bad one.
Perhaps talk to him on how you feel. If he takes responsibility and gives you authority, then perhaps you will feel a lot better. I know I would.

You definitely have to talk to him in proper detail about this and explain exactly how you're feeling. I don't think you're being un reasonable to feel the way you do at all but it has to be nipped in the bud before it turns into resentment against the children as it's not their fault.