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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU - don't want any more time with SC

61 replies

daffy287 · 21/08/2019 15:41

I am probably going to get slated for this but here it goes.

DH has 2 sons from a previous marriage. We have a DS ourselves who is nearly 1 now. His relationship with is ex is not amicable, they hate each other. They've been to court numerous times. Ex is a bit bonkers and jealous, she kicks off all the time and makes ridiculous accusations. We have DSS for 2 days one week, 3 days the next and half of all holidays which was agreed through mediation. It's all going to court again at the end of the month and DH is going for a contact order for shared care, 1 week with, 1 week without.

I think there's a good chance DH will get shared care. But the problem is, I don't want it... he is by own admission a bit of a Disneyland dad and does everything he can to make them happy. They aren't disciplined either for fear of upsetting them. If I ever say anything (not that i often do) I'm shushed. I once said I was a bit cross and got told that was too harsh!

They are very lovely boys and I have a great relationship with them. They do demand a lot of attention and we spend a lot on activities and toys to entertain them. I can live with the current arrangements and we just get on with it but I don't think I can do anymore...

Shared care would mean we would have to change working hours for logistical reasons. I also kno that DH won't change and it will drive me insane. He's off playing fun dad while I'm doing all the boring stuff and taking care of DS by myself.

AIBU to say I don't want arrangements to change?

OP posts:

Ember12 · 21/08/2019 15:51

Yabu his children his choice if he wants the 50/50
Why would you be taking care of ds on your own?

BallacheForLife · 21/08/2019 15:57

Kind of see where you're coming from but this is what you signed up for when you got together with someone who already had kids.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2019 16:02

Shared care would mean we would have to change working hours for logistical reasons. I also kno that DH won't change

Do you mean he won’t change HIS working hours to accommodate it? Or do you mean he won’t change in general the Disney Dad bit?

Why does DH want to change it? Sounds as if it’s currently 50-50 anyway so what is the logic behind the new pattern? Is it better for the DC?

Where do they spend weekends?

CassianAndor · 21/08/2019 16:05

You need to talk to him properly about this.

sue51 · 21/08/2019 16:08

They are his sons as much as your DS is. How would you feel if you only got to see him a couple of days a week?
That aside, if the boys are with you for a longer period your zDH has got to actually step up and parent. Out with the Disney dad act and work out a way forward that suits all of you. If he continues the way he is when the children are with you 50/50 its not going to work and he must realise the negative impact it will have on your marriage.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 16:08

I think you should have a say in this if it will impact on you too. Will you be expected to do more cooking/cleaning/childcare?

My DH doesn't even agree to one extra night with his kids without talking to me first, as it impacts on both of us. Of course he wants to see his kids but any changes to the arrangement should be a joint decision.

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/08/2019 16:08

Why would you be looking after your ds yourself? Your dh has 3 children, amd if it goes to 50/50 there’s absolutely no reason for him to be Disney dad (not that there is now, but....)

Original poster

daffy287 · 21/08/2019 16:11

I would have to reduce my working hours slightly but DH would have to also change. I'm more bothered about the Disney Dad stuff though because that's just how he is with them.

When I said I would be looking after DS by myself it's because there is a big age gap between DS and SC so DH takes them out when they are with us and I look after DS. They kinda demand all of his attention when they are here. Which I'm completely happy with because it's quality time together but it's going to be tough when it's 50/50.

It would be in the best interests of the kids so that's the most important thing at the end of the day. I think I would be happier with some basic rules and if we could just be a normal family rather than trying to win the kids over all the time. perhaps I really need to explain that this is important to me.

OP posts:

greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 16:12

He needs house rules, in order that your ds will be parented the same.
He needs to take all the children out sometimes and his boys out the other.

bluebluezoo · 21/08/2019 16:12

Kind of see where you're coming from but this is what you signed up for when you got together with someone who already had kids

People always trot this one out. But the o/p did not sign up for this- this being not allowed to parent 2 kids living in her house, while their dad prats about disneying and ignoring o/p and their son.

If he parented all three kids equally and properly, i’m sure o/p wouldn’t have an issue.

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 16:14

I think you need to have a serious conversation with DH. He can't have custody 50% of the time and not embed them into family life.

If they're spending half their time with you there needs to be rules and boundaries in place. You need to allowed to parent and you all need to be a family.

Original poster

daffy287 · 21/08/2019 16:16

It does impact on me because i share child care in school holidays. I do clothes washing, getting school things ready, cooking all meals etc. I play an active role and I'm happy to do this but increasing time then obviously changes things for me too. I just feel like everyone plays that same card - you knew he had kids when u got together. Yes I did obviously but does that mean i just don't get a say in anything and have to just accept any change to my life too?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2019 16:24

They kinda demand all of his attention when they are here. Which I'm completely happy with because it's quality time together but it's going to be tough when it's 50/50.

There will be more routine and boring everyday life stuff to fit in if it’s week on-week off so I think you just need to establish more rules and parenting principles. To be honest, if he’s not agreeing with your instincts on discipline, boundaries, acceptable behaviour etc you’re going to run into this at some point soon anyway together as your DS moves from being a baby to a child. So better to get it established now.

Ember12 · 21/08/2019 16:44

No I dont think you do get a say in how much he sees his children. Highlight your concerns and come up with a plan towards behaviour, routine together.
Tell him what you willing to do and what your not with household chores and childcare.

lovelookslikethis · 21/08/2019 16:45

He needs to include all three children, not just sc. Your son needs to bond with them, and your dp should get used to parenting all three children as they are his.
It sounds like a toxic game of one upmanship between him and his ex wife, a competition that is extremely unhealthy for the children.
As a minimum he should be discussing with you all future childcare arrangements, working out how HE is going to manage, what sacrifices he is prepared to make, and be shouldering the responsibility of all three.
Work out how you can have a break whilst he is taking out all dc, and make this work for you.
Do not have anymore children with Disney dad is my best advice.

RedPandaBear · 21/08/2019 16:45

I don't think it's that you don't want anymore time with your dsc but that you are fed up with the way your dh parents them and the impact that has on you when they are with you.

The 'you knew what you were getting into when you signed up for this' argument really isn't helpful in the slightest.

You need to establish house rules that apply to all children and ensure your dh spends quality time with your joint dc as well as his dc as well as all dc together.

Usernumbers1234 · 21/08/2019 16:48

What Sue51 said up there, is spot on

airportnostalgia · 21/08/2019 16:51

I think you’re being a bit selfish.

I have a DSS and a DSD. Unlike your DH, DH has a wonderful relationship with his ex, as do I. But I don’t think that makes a difference really! They’re his kids just as much as your DS is? Jesus

NailsNeedDoing · 21/08/2019 16:56

You don't get a say in how much time the children spend with their father, but if you are expected to do extra housework and childcare, then you get a say in how they are disciplined and on house rules.

Tell your dh that he can't have it both ways, he doesn't get to have his children for half of the time without doing any actual parenting, and he doesn't get to have you support him in being a good parent if he won't support you back.

ukgift2016 · 21/08/2019 17:01

If this arrangement is to happen then you need to have a firm talk with your partner. Tell him he has to step up with the parenting and housework.

Don't let resentment build up, talk to your partner.

Micah · 21/08/2019 17:02

But I don’t think that makes a difference really! They’re his kids just as much as your DS is? Jesus

That’s the point. It sounds like when sdc are there, he’s going to disney parent them while she is looking after their ds and probably picking up all the household slack, especially if they aren’t going to be expected to to basic household chores like pick up after themselves.

I’d also be wary that in his disney dad mode he ends up spending more than he can afford, so the household budget is left short.

It’s going to be the golden children who can do no wrong, with o/p and ds scapegoats.

This will sound really harsh but if they aren’t going to integrate into the household, i’d be looking at my options. Even living separately so I don’t end up as general housekeeper and childminder while they have fun. On my own at least it would only be me as ds, not 5 people’s washing and cleaning.

BogglesGoggles · 21/08/2019 17:06

I think you need to have a conversation with him about how you are going to make this work. That’s more productive than being resentful.

Bookworm4 · 21/08/2019 17:08

@daffy287
I don’t think Yabu, your DH should have had a serious discussion with you before applying for 50/50, unless he plans to care for them 24/7 it does affect you. If they’re going to live with you a week at a time there needs to be rules and boundaries and he shouldn’t be entertaining them to the exclusion of your DS. Can all the harpies here just pause for breath and actually have a think of how they’d feel if they were expected to parent 2 additional kids without any agreement?
The minute the word stepchild appears it’s rip the OP apart 😡

clucky3 · 21/08/2019 17:08

As a minimum he should be discussing with you all future childcare arrangements, working out how HE is going to manage, what sacrifices he is prepared to make, and be shouldering the responsibility of all three.

This. If he wants to change his arrangements with his children he needs to work out how he can do this. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to reduce paid work and increase your unpaid home labour while everything stays the same for him. You'd DH sounds like a twat to be honest.

Troels · 21/08/2019 17:21

I don't think YABU, this affects your life too. Especially if he's expecting to do childcare, washing, cooking, and cleaning for extra people in the house.
He either needs to sort himself out and do more of these jobs or leave contact as it is. You aren't an endentured sevant, you have a life and a job too and it's just as importnat as his.
Being a Disney Dad isn't doing his kids any favours.

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