AIBU - don't want any more time with SC

[daffy287]

I am probably going to get slated for this but here it goes.

DH has 2 sons from a previous marriage. We have a DS ourselves who is nearly 1 now. His relationship with is ex is not amicable, they hate each other. They've been to court numerous times. Ex is a bit bonkers and jealous, she kicks off all the time and makes ridiculous accusations. We have DSS for 2 days one week, 3 days the next and half of all holidays which was agreed through mediation. It's all going to court again at the end of the month and DH is going for a contact order for shared care, 1 week with, 1 week without.

I think there's a good chance DH will get shared care. But the problem is, I don't want it... he is by own admission a bit of a Disneyland dad and does everything he can to make them happy. They aren't disciplined either for fear of upsetting them. If I ever say anything (not that i often do) I'm shushed. I once said I was a bit cross and got told that was too harsh!

They are very lovely boys and I have a great relationship with them. They do demand a lot of attention and we spend a lot on activities and toys to entertain them. I can live with the current arrangements and we just get on with it but I don't think I can do anymore...

Shared care would mean we would have to change working hours for logistical reasons. I also kno that DH won't change and it will drive me insane. He's off playing fun dad while I'm doing all the boring stuff and taking care of DS by myself.

AIBU to say I don't want arrangements to change?

If he wants to change his arrangements with his children he needs to work out how he can do this. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to reduce paid work and increase your unpaid home labour while everything stays the same for him. You'd DH sounds like a twat to be honest.

^^ This. He needs to start taking all the boys out and doing a bigger share of the housework etc

I think on an EOW basis you need to suck it up but on a 50:50 shares care basis, there should definitely be ground rules and a lot more structure. You need to sit him down and discuss how this is all going to work.

Yanbu!
I have two DSS's as well as 2DC's of my own and while we get on great and are definitely a family having them up for half the school holidays triples the work load and doubles the food bill.
It's not his choice to just decide he will hugely increase his contact.
Tbh I wouldn't be working less I'd be saying that's his responsibility.
You are a family and a unit and any such decision needs to be discussed and made together not just lumping you with extra work without asking you.
Disney dadding it will do nothing but cause issues and tbh it sounds like he's just trying to be their 'favourite'.
You need to be a unit and a support each other is your parenting choices and if you disagree with something the other one has done or said then you have a word later out of ear shot of children.
Tbh I would refuse to look after any child I am not allowed to tell off if justified.
You need to talk to him frankly right now and things need to change.

Yabu his children his choice if he wants the 50/50

That’s a bit narrow minded. This is a decision that will change the family dynamics and every day life. The OP is having to change her working hours for starters.

If it’s only his choice and he doesn’t have to even discuss it with the op, then surely the op gets the choice whether to help with childcare, school runs and also has the choice whether she should change her working hours or not.

Yanbu. Hes expecting you to do more, take more responsibility whilst he changes pretty much nothing and leaves you to parent joint ds on your own.

As pps have said HE needs to sort this out without relying on you. He is their parent. They are entirely his responsibility.

I would have to reduce my working hours slightly but DH would have to also change.

I wouldn’t change my working hours to look after my DSD. That is for her parents to do.

If your DH wants him more then he needs to reduce his hours and do the vast majority of the parenting for him.

Not just say, yeah I’ll have him more because I know OP will pick up the slack.

You have to talk to your DH and have the blunt conversation now. The reality is that the wheels are in motion and as you say he is likely to get this. Even on the slim chance he doesn’t, this should have been a conversation, in full, before he made the application.

It’s all very well and good for posters on here to say he has every right to go for 50/50. Of course he does. IF he has the supportive structure in place to be able to support the logistics of something like this. And IF he himself doesn’t, he has spoken in full with his wife and she is fully on board and happy to support/ pick up the slack.

Increase to 50/50 is a huge change in dynamic, daily logistics and a huge shift change for the whole family. You’re not unreasonable in anyway to feel this way, but as hard as it feels, have this conversation and sooner rather than later.

Otherwise resentment will kick in and before you know it, you’ll be tired, overwhelmed and the relationship you have with your SC will suffer. They too may find this adjustment hard and the person who needs to be there to steer them through is your DH. Not you.

YANBU. But you need to actually sit him down and discuss how 50/50 is actually going to work.

I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own with 3 kids, full time job and doing everything around the house, whilst DP is busy being Disney dad.
And it’s not like you can parent the older two either, you’re being their staff.
So no.
Sit down with DP and decide together who takes what responsibilities. I would ask for the laundry to be his sole responsibility. That he cooks 3 night a week. That you get a cleaner. That he is responsible for picking up and dropping the kids off. He needs to parent them.

Are you a bit scared of your DP?

Please think carefully about reducing your working hours to look after them- this will also impact on you future finances thought your pension. It is worth that risk to look after someone else's children? Your DH really needs to have a plan for childcare, it shouldn't be expected to all fall to you.

Imagine circumstances were reversed and you only got a few days a month with your child so wanted to try for 50/50 but your new partner said no? Would you just say ok? I doubt it.

The children existed before your relationship and adding more children. I never understand why people choose a partner with existing children and them moan that they are part of their life. You can’t rely on EOW, bad things in life happen and access could become full time etc.

Presumably his parenting skills aren’t that bad or you wouldn’t of had a child with him yourself.

If it’s at the end stage of the court process, this has been going on for months. Why have you not discussed this together before? You really can’t spring on someone at the 11th hour that actually, you don’t want what he wants and expect it not to cause a problem. By all means refuse to help out - totally within your rights to do so - but the impact on your relationship whether you agree to his way or demand that changes are made before 50/50 can take place - is going to be enormous. Why have you let it get to this point without tackling it?

As an aside, 50/50 is still quite rare. Why do you think it will happen? Have you seen the CAFCASS report?

Imagine circumstances were reversed and you only got a few days a month with your child so wanted to try for 50/50 but your new partner said no? Would you just say ok? I doubt it

no, but lets face it, as a woman OP would be doing probably 90% of the parenting if not all of it, for her own kids. It has been made clear that her DH isn't going to do that, and is expecting her to do a big slab of it. Its an entirely different kettle of fish.

They are HIS children, HE should be reducing his work hours, HE should be looking after them. Not OP. They are not her responsibility, by all means if she is happy to look after them then she should, but its clear she thinks its her husbands responsibility and its clear she is worried he wont step up and deal with that responsibility and she will be left caring for ALL the children most of the time. That is not fair.

The children existed before your relationship and adding more children. I never understand why people choose a partner with existing children and them moan that they are part of their life. You can’t rely on EOW, bad things in life happen and access could become full time etc

Op isn't moaning that they're part of her life ffs. She's moaning that her DH is making a massive decision that affects her but doesn't give a shit what she thinks, and probably wont change his behaviour or parent his children properly. You clearly haven't even read the op and just read the title and gone on a big rant.

Yes, anything could happen and the kids could end up there FT but she still shouldn't be expected to do all the hard work while daddy sits back Disney parenting!

My DH has a BM who is just like this, she is an insignificant role in it all but she likes to cause some drama for attention. Typical BM tbh. Just like yours. I think its time to decide if the man in question is worth the drama and the monotonous drudgery it will be if he does get awarded extra custody.
You think you know tedious and boring now?? Haha wait till you get more custody. I had to deal with something similar as BM wanted to pie the kid off to us for 50 50 and we had to stay strong against it. If they can get away with it they will don’t you worry but that isn’t helping you now sadly. His son is similar never told off as he is scared BM wont like it so yea it is a ball ache sometimes isn’t it.

Tell him the truth that you cant handle it and if he still goes ahead. Start cutting ties in your head and then let go.

YANBU. Look I understand circumstances change and all that but you've got with him knowing the days he would have DSC and that was fine for you.

I completely understand you not wanting them more. The Disney Dad thing drives me insane (my DP is hugely guilty of it).

You need to speak to DH and explain the impact this will have on you and your family. Unless he is accepting 100% parental responsibility (which never happens) whilst the DSC are in your care then of course you will be picking up the slack.

All these people saying YABU are the ex's who are desperate for time off from their children.

I know this is hugely controversial but let's be honest when you decide to give birth to a child, you run the risk of having that child 100% on your own. More often than not the children live with the mother so I understand how when you get with a Man, you don't assume there will be the increase of access to the kids (unless something really bad happens to Mum or the children's welfare).

You need to speak to DP and voice your concerns before it goes to court otherwise your relationship and your children's life may suffer.

There's always such a privilege that the first women to have child's with a man think they then own the rights to them forever. It doesn't work like that.

I reckon that after a while of 50/50 shared care, there is a good chance that he will dumb down the over the top parenting and the boys will dumb down the attention seeking. One week on and one week off is a bit more ‘normal’ family time and less ‘holiday visit’ time. Once they all start settling into this routine, the intensity of their presence may just naturally reduce by itself.

Perhaps it would be a positive to suggest to your DH about some basic family rules in the house before the new visitation schedule begins. But being sensible, I would allow for a transition time for everyone to settle into the new routine, including yourself and DH.

You do not have to be the full-time maid, cleaner, cook and general dogsbody. And if you fear that is what is going to happen, then it would be wise to state your fears to DH and then you two can openly discuss the division of household labour and chores. If you can’t come to a mutual agreement, appointing a cleaner (if possible) could be a good third option.

All these conversations have the propensity to bring about conflict, so I would spend a bit of time on understanding HOW you are going to talk about it to DH, as in tone and choice of words. People can get very defensive about this sort of stuff, so you could always begin with ‘DH, when the boys move in 50/50, I am a little worried about whether I will be able to cope with the rise in washing and cleaning etc... could you help me to find a solution to this please?’

When I was married to my first husband his daughter, who was 13 at the time, came to live with us full time. Sadly this was because her mother had committed suicide.

As you can imagine my step-daughter was beside herself with grief and could not really be left alone in the house. My husband, at that time, was the higher earner by quite a long way, and therefore it was decided that I would give up my job to ensure that someone was around if my step-daughter needed support.

Although this was a mutual decision, and I appreciate that you are talking about reducing your hours and not giving up your job, it has had long term ramifications for my own career. At that time I had a good job as a logistics manager and earned quite a good salary.

After I looked into going back to work I had been out of that industry for too long and sadly had to retrain, in something that I don't get the same satisfaction out of. I have never really regained my foothold in terms of earning capacity and I don't suppose I ever will now.

My first husband and I are now divorced and I haven't seen my step-daughter for nearly fourteen years. The moral of my story is please don't do anything that might impact your career or your ability to support yourself. If your marriage does not last then you may find that the decisions that you make now will have long term consequences for you personally.

I am not saying to not agree to this arrangement, but to do so with your own boundaries in place. Just because you are a woman does not mean that you should assume responsibility for your husband's children whilst his own life barely changes. If he wants 50/50 then he will have to change his own working hours etc to facilitate this.

By being with a man who has kids, especially younger ones, you will feel the impact.

You already have to look after them (or share) in school holidays.

I never seem to come across situations where a stepdad has to look after SC in school holidays...it never impacts on his job.

Effectively what this means, us he wouldn't be able to do 50/50 in a school holidays without you or another woman to look after his kids.

Yep, this is what can happen when you choose to be with someone who is a parent...if something happens to their mum then you will have them fulltime...surely this occurred to you when you got with their dad

Op I understand how you feel and there have been some really good points made.
( Decisionssldecisions makes a really good point) it’s really obsurd when people make comments like “ you knew he had children” but you fall in love and no one can predict the future or how you will feel. There are too many variables. Your definiately NOT being selfish, your sensibly looking towards the future and your saying I’m not sure I can do this. Tell the truth, tell him soon. It’s your life too. I’m sorry it’s not just about the children, It’s the whole family. It’s never nice having to deal with a bonkers ExW either.

Yep, this is what can happen when you choose to be with someone who is a parent...if something happens to their mum then you will have them fulltime...surely this occurred to you when you got with their dad

That’s all very well, but it’s the DH that should be taking on the extra childcare, reducing hours etc, not just deciding that OP should!

That’s all very well, but it’s the DH that should be taking on the extra childcare, reducing hours etc, not just deciding that OP should!

The OP has a choice. She ie other women in her position don't have to do it all.

So many threads on here just make me think men remarry or get another partner to help with the kids from their first relationship.

It seems they cannot look after their DC because they're working/doing shifts/travelling... , yet they want 50/50 relying on the second DW/DP. It makes you wonder if this was a factor in the split.

BM wanted to pie the kid off to us for 50 50 and we had to stay strong against it.

So wanting their father to have the child that is 50% his half the time was an outlandish suggestion?

It's no wonder these DC in these circumstances aren't close to their dads and then Ex wives get accused of manipulating the kids.

A good dad would want to spend as much time with his DC as possible and not consider it being 'pied off'

It's not my personal view, but I can see why ppl view dads as an optional parent.

My brother is divorced and would never consider spending time with his kids as being pied off.

why on earth is he going to court to change the contact without discussing it with you.
50/50 is rarely in the best interests of children. Its unsettling to not have a main home.
Are you sure the ex really is bonkers, or maybe your partner has a bit of a habit of railroading over what the women in his life want and then calling them nuts when they have their own view on it

@Scorpiovenus gosh your post reads as quite sad. You had to stay strong against 50/50? So your DH didn't want his kids more?

OP, you don’t get to say how often you have the children but you definitely do get a say about his lazy parenting. How is he with your DS? It’s not the time they’re with you that’s a problem, it’s his lack of ability to parent properly. He needs to pull his weight completely and I think you need to lay down the law with him and agree shared responsibilities. Then, from there, you agree house rules for all children. I know yours is little but he won’t be forever and you’ll have - hopefully - set up good foundations and a much happier environment. Alternatively, maybe you need to consider if you want to remain with a man like this. I do understand where you’re coming from and appreciate your views and fair and honest.

@Scorpiovenus

”. I had to deal with something similar as BM wanted to pie the kid off to us for 50 50 and we had to stay strong against”

Sorry but what is so terrible about a mother wanting the BF to share care of the child completely? It’s common in many cases.