Lovely Stepdaughters

[Gooseygoosey12345]

DH has finally got contact with his 2DDs after a very long winded fight for this. Anyway, they are in their early teens and they've been visiting here over the last month-ish. This was by their choice, they had the option to see their dad on their own but chose to come here and meet my DD and their half brother. They are so polite and lovely but they don't really speak much. I totally get this, they seem to not have much self-esteem and they're shy and I understand that it's going to take time to be comfortable here. I just wondered if anyone has any advice at how I can make them feel more at home. I'm not used to shyness, my kids are a bit mad (although kind and well behaved) but they'll talk to anyone. Is there anything I should be doing? I'm just trying to be the best step-mum I can be and we seem to get on well with the little conversation we have had. It's all a bit new to me and I don't want to screw it up.

I would suggest giving them time to come out of their shells and adjust, so perhaps all the children could get involved in doing things which require them to be together but also require them to concentrate like drawing, painting, making things such as bracelets or badges, that kind of thing?

Do things together that give rise to easy conversation. We took a family group to a small zoo last week and it gave everyone a shared topic to talk about. It will take time though to build some shared history, good luck.

These sound like brilliant ideas! Thank you

I agree about activities where they can talk as much or as little as they want.

Cake decorating
Play dough
Gardening
Colouring
Craft
Teach them knitting or crochet?

Bless you. You sound like your doing a great job already. I agree with the PPs, shared experiences and take your time.

In my experience as a step daughter to a women who married my dad when I was a teenager - the single best thing she ever did was make me feel 100% welcome in their home at any time.

I am almost forty now and still know I could turn up for dinner and she'd welcome me with open arms. It is a blessing and I love her dearly for it.

Don’t put any pressure on them to speak or comment when they do. My DD cannot speak in new situations or situations where she feels uncomfortable.

Even though they’ve chosen to see you all, I’d still make sure there are opportunities for them to have time just with dad eg can he take them for breakfast when he picks them up before bringing them to you or dinner before he drops them home? Give them a chance to reconnect with him if they’ve not seen him in a while. Then once they are comfortable with him they might feel more relaxed in your home too.

Thank you all for your ideas and input. They came over today and we're already making progress. About making them feel that they're welcome anytime, this is exactly how I want them to feel. This is their home too now if they want it (no pressure of course and I would never say such a thing yet). Also making sure they get one on one with their dad is so important so we're ensuring that too. He normally picks them up for a bit before bringing them here. We're away at a wedding on Saturday (we were invited before contact resumed unfortunately, although it might have been a bit much so soon anyway) but I'm planning on sorting out some activities as mentioned for the Sunday. I just want it all to be as positive as it can be. I know it's so easy to get it wrong and I just never want them to feel unwelcome or unwanted or as if I'm expecting too much. They're such lovely girls it's so important that they're happy.

If only all step mums were so thoughtful. So pleased you’re already making progress with the girls x

Bloody hell your nice 👍 I hope it works out for you all.

Whocaresalot - most of us do start off this way and try very hard for a very long time. But alas we are not perfect.

Witchymcpooface sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I have a problem in general with stepmums! My daughter had a horrible three year experience with her dads now ex and a good friend of mine was almost totally cut out of her dads life by his jealous wife. I know that most of you are doing your absolute best under what are often difficult circumstances

Ah thank you! That's such a lovely thing to say. I can only try my best. I think I got really lucky with the girls though, I can only imagine how hard it must be for some step-parents when there are difficulties in the relationship. Their mum has obviously done a lovely job of raising them to be polite, kind and respectful regardless of any of the issues between her and DH.

Whocaresalot - 👍

This was a really good thread, helpful and insightful.

I find the best conversations with my DSD comes from when we’re doing activities, even just a walk as it’s relaxed and I think sitting having focused conversations can be hard for any teenagers.
I know my DSD likes feeling that our home is her home (which it is) and I’m careful to make her feel like her space is her own.
This might not be relevant but sometimes at the dinner table to create a bit more of a varied conversation I get everyone to go round the table saying what the best bit of their week has been, or best bit of their day and sometimes what could have gone better this week, what nice thing they’ve done for someone else this week. It creates conversation and helps us find out more about DSDs life away from us without quizzing her. We also play “10 questions” where you think of ten questions for people to ask you and they have to guess the answers. It’s also great for finding out what’s going on for a teen especially as their answers change a lot. If everyone is doing it then it’s not all focused on the children and my DSD loves it, we started it when she was younger but she still asks to play it. It’s a good car game too.

We used to play lots of games when our children were younger too @user1493413286. Things like Cadoo, the conversion of heads up and Dobble still get played regularly and always end in laughter. Maybe the girls have some games they'd like to show you?

The biggest mistake you can do is try to hard because it will come to bite you. 5hesecvirlsxare thrown into a family that might as well be total strangers. It's totally normal to be on their guards and wanting to observe the dynamics before they start to feel thry can let go to become part of it.

This can only happen in time and that time they will determine. Don't do any special à tivities it will set a precedence. You will expect ylthem to be grateful for the efforts except they will have no way to know that 5his is not part of your normal life and you'll end up resenting them. Just do what you would normally do, just include them slowly and subtly into your routine.

Do give them ple t'y of time with their dad only although they might find they prefer to spend time with everyone. Be attentive to their manierisms so you can pick up on vibes, what makes them uncomfortable or instead helps them feel included.

Whatever you do, however much you'd like them to feel part of the family ASAP, dont rush them. Let them lead on how quickly or not it will take. It has to be something that happens naturally not forcely.

Totally agree, do some activities with them, cooking together is perfect if your kitchen lends its self to it for instance, also if it's possible at some point for a couple of hours for the other kids to be out you may find they are less overwhelmed and more chatty. It will take time, ask them to choose activities, choose a movie to watch at home and teach them to make popcorn from ordinary bulk corn.

Uno is a great game for kids to play that age. It really gets conversation going.

@swingofthings I totally agree. We're not doing special activities for exactly that reason. Things like the activities above would be fairly normal in our house so not something I feel they should be necessarily grateful for or that would suddenly stop. Also definitely agree that it's not going to happen overnight. They can take as much time as they need to feel comfortable. There is absolutely no pressure. I'm just trying to make it as easy for them as can be, and if it takes 5 years I'm ok with that as long as I know I did everything I should have done. Funny you should say that they might rather spend time together as that does seem to be the case, but again I worry that they might regret not spending alone time with their dad but I also don't want to say anything and make them feel that I don't want to see them. I know I need to stop worrying really, my intentions are only for their best interests, but I don't want to get 5 or 10 years down the line and think we could have done a better job. I'm the same with DD & DS, I just believe that their early life is such an important foundation, it's nice to know you're doing ok!

@user1493413286 those question games sound brilliant but I'm not sure if we're quite there yet with the confidence to speak openly. I'll definitely keep it in mind though, sounds like fun!

@stucknoue I did think that but they said they wanted to come and see us all (I said about DH taking them out alone last time). My DD is usually at her dads for some of the time that they're here anyway and they dote on DS. In fact that's the most comfortable that they seem is when they're playing with him. They have younger siblings so I guess it's natural for them.

Do they have rooms at your house?

@ItsABubbleParty unfortunately not, we only have 2 bedrooms, DS is still in with me until we can split the other bedroom. This is a concern of mine as well because they may want to stay over. I'm thinking of getting a put up bed for my daughters room and then they can stay over when she's at her dads. Unfortunately moving isn't an option, but we are hoping to build an extension in the next few years