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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

We’re on holiday. My patience is fraying.

44 replies

Hotterthanallheck · 11/08/2019 22:37

I’m on holiday with DH and our two DCs 2 and 4 and DSD who is 14.

DSD lives with us half the time, so there’s no particular novelty in spending time with DH. Also, we always take her on every holiday we’ve ever been on - even before we had the younger DCs. (Her mum never takes her on holiday, despite going abroad four times herself last year. But that’s another thread.)

Anyway, it’s been 10 days and I’m starting to get irritated. I can’t talk to DH or even sit near him without DSD interrupting or inserting herself in between us. She stays up late with us and monopolises DH so that I end up going to bed and leaving them to it. I’ve done 90% of the childcare for the two younger ones myself because DH is with DSD. I have basically given up trying to talk to him or initiate any physical affection because of the constant interruption.

The weird thing is, DSD is very much part of our family. I have a strong parental role as she’s with us so much of the time. I’ve been very involved with raising her since she was 3 years old. I’m not ‘dad’s new girlfriend who’s stealing him away’. I find the behaviour bizarre and maddening and DH refuses to acknowledge it. But I feel like I haven’t had a single one-to-one conversation with him now for about four days. He keeps coming up and hugging me and asking what’s wrong and before I can even reply, DSD is shouting about her iPad not working or finding some other way to distract him.

Our DCs are still young. Is this just normal dad/teenage daughter dynamic? I don’t remember being this possessive or clingy over my dad when I was 14. But then, my family background was dysfunctional anyway so I’ve no idea really. I feel guilty for feeling irritated. But I am struggling today.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Snappedandfarted2019 · 11/08/2019 22:44

Shes a typical teenager op the dont go to bed early
especially on holiday the age difference with her sibling will make a difference which she is why shes wanting to stay up and socialise with yourselves shes at an awkward age.

PinkGinny · 11/08/2019 22:47

That sounds shit! I've in the past told mine to bugger off and give me peace but if your DH doesn't see the issue then isn't likely to ask her for some space. I guess she is not a mind reader - that is be aware she is being intrusive if nobody says anything.

Ask her? If it's not normal behaviour for her it's weird that she is behaving like this on holiday. Is she bored perhaps? Or is it just more noticeable as you are away and out your normal routine?

PinkGinny · 11/08/2019 22:48

And good point from snapped re: her age and wanting to stay up late & socialise.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 12/08/2019 08:44

Is she capable enough to look after the youngest two? Maybe suggest a 'date night' where you and your husband can get a bit of time to yourself. One night out of the whole holiday away from the kids shouldn't be an issue.

HotChocolateLover · 13/08/2019 11:03

Bloody hell OP that sounds awful. I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long without throttling her 😂 You need to be firm and tell her to bog off. She may be his daughter but you’re his wife and it’s your turn to have some alone time plus it’s your holiday. Your DH is a fool to do this and sounds a bit spineless tbh after all you could just walk away if you wanted.

Summerunderway · 13/08/2019 11:07

Suggest an early night to dh?

SandyY2K · 13/08/2019 13:57

Leave the kids with your DH for a bit and sunbathe or relax away from them peace.

You doing 90% of the childcare isn't fare...otherwise it's the same old crap in a different environment.

FinallyHere · 13/08/2019 14:16

Could you ask DH how much time he had spent with the little ones, to help him see how he is dividing the 'childcare'

Anuta77 · 13/08/2019 16:27

Your DH sounds like he cares about you, but maybe doesn't realize that you need more quality alone time with him?
Maybe talking to him by expressing your needs would help? There are times when my 11 year old inserts himself in the conversation and sometimes, I tell him that we're having an adult conversation, because I was raised to respect my parents' boundaries, but some people don't see anything wrong with that.
If your DH doesn't, the only thing you can do is try to have alone time while he's with all the kids? Quality alone-time also does us good.

swingofthings · 13/08/2019 16:54

She may be his daughter but you’re his wife and it’s your turn to have some alone time plus it’s your holiday
It's sounds like it's everyone's holiday, u les OP paid it all herself, I don't see why this holidays is more for her to enjoy than anyone else.

She's 14, starting to consider herself part of the adult world. That added that she is probably bored in the e e ings and maybe during the day if activities are more aimed to the youngest, her behaviour is normal. It sounds like your OH understands this.
Holidays with older kids usually mean little time as a couple because you tend to spend all time as one item. Hoping for couple time in these circumstances is a bit of an utopia.

Saying that, the suggestion of her babysitting one evening and then she and her dad can do one activity she really wants to do sounds like an excellent compromise.

katewhinesalot · 13/08/2019 17:00

Good idea that they all look after the kids whilst you have some you time. I'd give up on the couple time unless you can bribe her to babysit. It might be worth suggesting something that you and her can do together and leave dh with the young ones as well.

Teddybear45 · 13/08/2019 17:02

Does she have her own room? If not then something to think about next holiday is putting her and the younger kids together so at least you have some peace at night!

Fontofnoknowledge · 13/08/2019 17:18

You are all so lovely. I would just be blatant and tell her 'we need some time by ourselves- amuse yourself for one evening ' (bugger off !!!)

swingofthings · 13/08/2019 19:32

I would just be blatant and tell her 'we need some time by ourselves- amuse yourself for one evening ' (bugger off !!!)
And then you'd come posting here how your SD wants nothing to do with you, ignores you and how you've done nothing at all to make her act that way!

How would you feel if you want on holidays with friends and they said that to you? So why talk to a teenager in a way you'd go bad if it was you spoken to like that?

LatentPhase · 13/08/2019 19:36

Because, Swing some parents are direct with their kids (step or otherwise) and it does no actual harm.

EggysMom · 13/08/2019 19:36

Just grab your DH, snog him and grope him in front of her. She'll probably run a mile at the PDA!

giggly · 13/08/2019 19:39

Yup sounds just like my teenager on holiday. Wants to stay up later and be with the adults. Teenagers have no concept of “couple time” unless it’s their own please don’t make it into a competition for dd/ dh time

SummerInTheVillage · 13/08/2019 19:40

Your DH needs to not let her manipulate him. He needs to say "Later" or "not right now".

His fault for letting her get away with it.

If she comes to sit between you tell her no and to sit elsewhere. You're the adult.

pallisers · 13/08/2019 19:46

The staying up late thing is normal. It isn't normal for one child to monopolise one parent leaving the other parent to do the heavy lifting with more needy younger children. Tell your husband you are sick of minding the 2 younger ones by yourself and he needs to start pulling his weight.

Next time she yells about the ipad or whatever just say "dad and I are talking right now - we'll look at the ipad later" and if he says "I can look at it now" so "no you can't because you are in the middle of a conversation with me"

I don't think this is a stepchild problem - it is a 14 year old annoying you.

CarolDanvers · 13/08/2019 19:46

If not then something to think about next holiday is putting her and the younger kids together so at least you have some peace at night!

I don't understand how this would work. A 14 year old sharing with a 4 and 2 year old. Would she be expected to go to bed at the same time as them?

I think it sounds completely normal. My 16 year old had been joining in with the grown ups for a few years now and sometimes it is annoying especially as he's too young to hear a lot of the stuff we want to talk about - slagging his useless dad off for a start! But it is what it is and I would never want him to feel unwanted or like a nuisance.

LIZS · 13/08/2019 19:54

Most 14 yos would stay up until adults go to bed on holiday. She is asserting herself as an individual. Tbh I'm not sure what you expect of her. Are there any activities she could do so you and dh can spend time with younger ones? Maybe 10 days+ is too long to try to balance everyone's needs.

AConvivialHost · 13/08/2019 19:56

If it's any consolation my 14 year old DD is exactly the same with my husband at the mo. I think it must be an age/hormones thing. Since the summer holidays started, she comes down about 8.30pm each night, snuggles next to him on the couch, and wants to watch vines and Fail Army videos - neither of which hold any interest for me - so I slope off to bed with a book. We have a 2.5 year old who goes to bed at 7.30pm, so after sorting the washing up/house out, DH and I have maybe 30 mins together of an evening. It doesn't bother me too much, as before we know it she'll be back to school with loads of homework each night and we'll only see her for long enough to shovel her tea down.

She's starting early tonight, just head her clomping down the stairs. Bed and book it is!

RippleEffects · 13/08/2019 19:59

I think id be tempted to start loudly over parenting the younger DC when they interrupt and over explaining, saying it's inappropriate and you all need to work on it as a family.

Also some ground rules around teen bedtime and personal space. Our 13yo we tend to send upstairs around 9pm most days in the hols where he can read or watch a bit of TV for a while but we need adult space too.

Another thought is as the younger siblings take up lots of your time is it possible that DSD feels you treat them preferentially. Could you do some activities you and her - even if it's lying on sunloungers for an afternoon whilst DH does the running around after the more active ones.

AnneElliott · 13/08/2019 20:05

I'd leave DH and DSD with the younger ones and bigger off on my own. They might get bored with all the together time if try end up sorting the young two out.

simplekindoflife · 13/08/2019 20:07

You've got a DH problem. He needs to make sure he's spending enough time with you and the children. He must know he's not!

Tell him to come for an early night so you can chat in your bedroom and have some time together. Get him to watch the kids while you pop out to the shops or go for a nap. Talk to him about this. It's not on.

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