We’re on holiday. My patience is fraying.

[Hotterthanallheck]

I’m on holiday with DH and our two DCs 2 and 4 and DSD who is 14.

DSD lives with us half the time, so there’s no particular novelty in spending time with DH. Also, we always take her on every holiday we’ve ever been on - even before we had the younger DCs. (Her mum never takes her on holiday, despite going abroad four times herself last year. But that’s another thread.)

Anyway, it’s been 10 days and I’m starting to get irritated. I can’t talk to DH or even sit near him without DSD interrupting or inserting herself in between us. She stays up late with us and monopolises DH so that I end up going to bed and leaving them to it. I’ve done 90% of the childcare for the two younger ones myself because DH is with DSD. I have basically given up trying to talk to him or initiate any physical affection because of the constant interruption.

The weird thing is, DSD is very much part of our family. I have a strong parental role as she’s with us so much of the time. I’ve been very involved with raising her since she was 3 years old. I’m not ‘dad’s new girlfriend who’s stealing him away’. I find the behaviour bizarre and maddening and DH refuses to acknowledge it. But I feel like I haven’t had a single one-to-one conversation with him now for about four days. He keeps coming up and hugging me and asking what’s wrong and before I can even reply, DSD is shouting about her iPad not working or finding some other way to distract him.

Our DCs are still young. Is this just normal dad/teenage daughter dynamic? I don’t remember being this possessive or clingy over my dad when I was 14. But then, my family background was dysfunctional anyway so I’ve no idea really. I feel guilty for feeling irritated. But I am struggling today.

That sounds awful OP

I have a DSD who was like that around the ages of 11 and 12 but she did not see her dad regularly and was not a consistent part of our lives nor did we have children so different in every way.

From your DH's pov I have a teenager who has gone from being a secure, confident and driven child to being an insecure, self-loathing teenager. She confides in me solely and I feel very disloyal if I discuss this with anyone, even her father so, could it be that your dsd's father is worried (even moderately) about her and doesn't feel he can discuss it with you?

Anyway, my DSD (unsurprisingly) doesn't have anything to do with her father these days (30's) though we have had some good years between then and now with her but every stage passes. Your DSD is (irritatingly) clingy at the moment but in two years time neither you or your DH will be in her good books and then (hopefully) two years later you may have an adult to deal with whose company you actually enjoy..

In the meantime, would it work if you left dh and kids and the two of you did something nice together?

Are you or DH pulling her up on it when she interrupts or interjects herself between you? I suspect that’s the only way to really address it; if you says something every time then I’d expect her to eventually stop.
This sounds similar to a stage DSD went through when she was about 8; I found it deeply frustrating. I know for her looking back there was lots of changes at her mums that we didn’t know about at the time though.

Would she want to do anything with you? Could you and her go somewhere together snd have some girl time and leave DH with the kids? Or would she totally shut that down? I get that that doesn't solve the problem of her not giving you and DH some time together but it might make her more predisposed to doing so.

Failing that, your DH needs to have a word.

I don't think this is a stepchild problem - it is a 14 year old annoying you.

Yup, judging by my DD (also 14) they can definitely be annoying sometimes! . I think asking her to babysit while you and DH go out for drinks/dinner, etc. is a great one. I'd offer to pay her...my DD loves earning cash!

Perhaps she just wants some Dad time atm, but I agree that it's not fair to leave you doing all the childcare. Let them take care of the younger ones for an afternoon and do something you enjoy.

Personally, just sitting in a coffee shop and reading the paper without interruption is my idea of bliss.

Lots of early teen girls I know go through a sort of baby phase as if they don’t know if they are children or grown ups.
My nieces on two sides of the family drive me potty with their draping themselves all over their parents when we were having adult laughs and chat.

Friends daughters on weekends away suddenly became really clingy.

She is a bit stuck, age wise. Are there any teen activities nearby where she can make friends?

Because, Swing some parents are direct with their kids (step or otherwise) and it does no actual harm
No they just developed hatred of the person who make them feel even more insignificant than they already feel but indeed no harm don't as long as SM gets a good holiday!

possibly next time let her take a girl friend - as stated if she had been "yours" you might still be having same issue

@swingofthings No they just developed hatred of the person who make them feel even more insignificant than they already feel but indeed no harm don't as long as SM gets a good holiday!
I quite often tell my kids to bugger off to another room if I need some space, they certainly don’t hate me
Also I think it’s fine in the reverse... kids are allowed to ask to be on their own / on their own with friends/ or with a parent.

Also I agree with @mumwon We have started asking DSD14 to bring a friend to keep her occupied otherwise she’d be whiny bored and annoying too

Said in whisper - next time go on holiday without her

It's annoying, it's awkward, it's the teens. 13-15 is such a funky time. I think kids just don't have a handle on boundaries, which are stretching faster than they can fathom. They've got one foot in childhood, another in young adulthood and it's all so wonky. I remember DS really just trying to insert himself into an adult world he wasn't equipped to take part in. It's all sorts of clumsy, annoying, and lovely too.
And it's really hard to be the adult and maintain the patience of a saint. It's all a bit hobnailed boots, isn't it? You just have to grit your teeth and blast on through.

The truth is, you'll have about 3 more holidays with her. By 17-18, she'll be done holidaying with you. I know, it's of so little consolation, all of what I'm saying, but with teens, it is what it is. Maybe once the little ones are in bed, the three of you could watch some more grown up films together or play a more grown-up board game. That's all I can really suggest. I'd make an effort to try and engage with her more in the evenings and bring her into your world a little more just by simply watching something together. Small steps. I know you feel spent and you don't have much give, but it may relax her more if you sort of begin to stretch the boundaries a bit and allow her more elbow room. Does that make any sense?

And remember, you have DH, the little ones have each other.
She's a bit on her own and doesn't have anyone to bounce off other than you guys. You'll have to cut her some slack here. Maybe she's a bit bored.

Said in whisper - next time go on holiday without her

Glad you said that in a whisper. Hope you don't ever have stepchildren.

Yes I do have step children and I go on holiday without her!!!! I’m so wicked!!!! 😆

I make my teenagers go away by talking to my partner about work. Preferably finance or tax returns.

They come into my bedroom in the evening, lie on my bed, talk to me about nonsense and try to make we watch YouTube videos. When I’ve had enough I start to undress and put on my PJs. This makes them exit very fast.

Your husband is BU not caring for his younger children and doing half the cooking etc on holiday. Why don’t you suggest that he and DSD plan and cook dinner ?

I don't see the issue.

When I was that age and on holiday with my mum and dad they never sent me packing so they could have 'adult' time.
We were on a family holiday. We spent the time as a family.

She's at the age now that she can't be sent to bed at 9 like a small child, but isn't old enough to go wandering around by herself.
You can't just tell her to bugger off without having some idea of what she could be doing elsewhere.
Sending her to bed just so you can get adult time isn't fair.
She needs something to do too.

Don't ask her to babysit the younger ones while you and her dad go out. It could breed resentment - obviously right now she feels like she needs to be near her dad. It's not weird. She just wants her parent.

As a pp said, it could be that she's going through a tough time that her dad knows about and has asked him not to tell you.
There's all sorts going on at this age. To banish her away in a sort of 'he's mine not yours, it's my turn to have time with him' is petty.
Find something you can all do together of an evening.

This is a bit sad really. She's an awkward age and being perfectly normal.

I think saying 'monopolising DH" does sound like you are in competition with her. What's she supposed to do in the evenings at 14? Go sit by herself in her room? Go sit quietly on another table? That's a bit shit. She's alone on the holiday in a way, no one her own age to spend time with so she's spending time with her dad. Otherwise she's just spending an entire holiday entertaining herself, which is sad and lonely.

I think this is part a parcel of having DC tbh, its just the next stage of life. When they are babies they cry etc. At 14 you have to spend time with them on holiday, even if their conversation isn't very 'adult'.

Your DH not helping with the DC is a separate issue, and totally on your DH.

Could you offer her some money or a treat in return for one night babysitting the little ones, if she's responsible enough? Or suggest to them that they ask DSD to take them to the playground or read them a story?

The only other way you're going to get any couple time away from both a late night teen and early morning toddlers is to have the odd early night and chat in bed.

But I don't think family holidays are ever great for couple time. Maybe plan a date night for after the holiday some time when DSD is back with her mum? 10 days or more is a long time I find for a blended family holiday. 7-9 days suits us better.

Hi I am in exactly the same predicament at the moment. We are in Greece, have been here since the 17th and I honestly can't wait to get home! I have been with my partner almost 4 years and we got engaged in june, I have 2 SK'S SS11 who apart from the odd thing we get along really well and I have SD10, we were really close until recently when her HCBM came back on the scene. The last few weeks have been really hard, she won't let me cuddle her properly, whatever I say she thinks I'm being horrible. And since we've come on holiday it's like everything is 10 times worse 🙁 she's always hard work when we go away we've had 2 short family holidays in the UK and she wouldn't let me near him, pushing herself between us etc but we had time in our room at night. This time we're sharing with her and the SS is with his grandparents. Iv been in tears 4 times (privately) since we've been here because of her nasty remarks/rebuffs, not letting me near her dad (at all!) And because of everything that the kids have been through the family let her especially get away with murder. Whereas if SS did some of the things she has he would get bollocked! I can't wait for Saturday when we're back but then I dread it too because I am the main caregiver as my partner works full time. He has mainly been very supportive and loving but on the other hand he's letting her do it because he's missed her and feels bad telling her off. I totally sympathise with you 🙇

P.s I have been trying really hard to be supportive and loving through all this, I know she has a rediculous amount of stress for a 10 year old so I don't want to sound like a selfish cow but I think because it's been the summer holidays and iv had them to amuse/discipline it's been really really hard!