We got pregnant

[devilishlygood]

And suddenly DSS13 has told his mum that he hates me and never wants to come to our house again!!

We have been together for 6yrs. I’ve known and been in DSS13 and DSD9’s lives for 4.5yrs. We’ve always had a really good relationship. We spend time together but they get their dad to themselves too. My parents are divorced and I try to respect their need to be with dad. Sometimes one comes over alone and then the other. We’ve had no indicator of troubles before now.

DSS has just literally, overnight, shut down. Refuses to speak to his dad. Won’t talk to him about it. Doesn’t want to see us. DSD is almost the opposite. Super excited about new sibling, but is, of course, upset that her brother is so detached.

The kids knew that we intended to have a baby. We never kept it a secret when they asked after we got married (guess they picked up on the prospect from others, we didn’t shove it down throats....), but it has taken a little longer than expected. And of course the news of one on its way is very VERY different to the idea of dad having a baby one day.

But we are totally stumped. We told the kids together after the 12w scan (it was actually more like 15w), and they have been really excited. Both of them. Until now... I’m 7months.

DH is still going to ExWs to pick up DSD, and he has tried to see DSS, but he won’t come out of his room. ExW says DH ‘needs to show he cares’, but he’s written a letter apologising for all the past (he left when DSS was 5) which got returned unopened, he sends texts and tries calling, and now mum says he’s harassing DSS, so to stop. It’s a bit of a mine field. It’s difficult for mum too, as she is completely stuck in the middle between the son she loves and the ex husband she absolutely hates! We’re all heartbroken.

Is this a phase? Is there anything we can do/DH can do, is there anything that might make this less painful for DSS??? How can we explain that we’ll do what ever we can to make sure he feels loved if he won’t hear or see us? I can’t bear him being so sad 😞😞😞

Jeez....stepmum of the century!! DSD is 10!!! 😳

I don't really have any advice but I think it's all become a bit real for him know.

When you were together and married he probably thought you always had a chance of breaking up but now there's a baby it seems like you're really going to be together forever.

What is your house like at the moment? Do the kids have their own rooms or are they going to have to give it up? Are there any other big changes like that happening?

I think your DH needs to keep trying, your DSS is probably just waiting to have his fears confirmed, like his dad paying more attention to the baby etc.

13 is a weird age but you prepared him for it and you’re 7 months so tbh... tough! He’s just gonna have to get over it x

I think I'd write him a postcard, so he doesn't have to show he's read it.
Tell him you both (or just Dad maybe) love him so much and miss him. Tell him he can text or call any time.

Can you write a letter as though it’s from the baby telling him why he is looking forward to having a big brother and all the things he will be able to lead the way on etc ? I know it’s cheesy and getting him to read the letter is another issue .....

I would think that it has suddenly dawned on him that this is 'forever' and there is zero chance of him 'coming home'
My xh moved out when ds was 7 and he is now 13. Up to now he hasn't met anyone that is serious enough for the children to meet (they refuse to go out with him anyway but that's a whole other thread!!). ds has said to me in the past that he hopes that if his dad gets with someone they won't already have children or have one together as in ds words 'if we weren't enough for him to stay why would he swap us for other children to be with all the time'
Maybe your dss is feeling pushed out and like he is being replaced....whereas dsd is probably excited for a new baby she can play with. Don't forget at their ages the step daughter probably won't remember when their dad lived at home but your step son will.
Good luck with the pregnancy Op hope everything is ok with your dss

I think 13 is a very tricky age for teenagers, he may be horrified at the knowledge you are obviously having sex . His hormones will be all over the place and he will be realising that the new baby will be living with his Dad all the time but knowing that his own Dad left him and his sister ... whatever the original reasons. The new baby will be likely to take Dad away from the time they spend doing 'father-son' stuff & not many 13 year old boys are really interested in babies.

It's very hard ... there is no answer, hopefully he may come round in his own time but sadly you read about many cases where the older children feel 'pushed' out by the new arrivals and sometimes the relationship never recovers.

The more your DH tries to grovel the worse it will get. DSS has all the power and he's probably enjoying it.

Ignore him. Once a week offer to pick him up when DSD is picked up but if he says no then leave it.

Don't let him spoil your joy. He's the one who will lose out in the end if he doesn't come round.

Just let him get on with it and keep door open. It's his issue and he's 13. Is exw actually helpful? If so then that great and helps.
When bbay is born send him a picture and invite him to see the baby as baby would like to meet their big brother.
He might come round.
Dp eldest was fine whole time I wa spregnant but freaked out when baby was born and wouldn't hold him. Ironically now baby is 1 he adores dss the oldest and follows him everywhere, dss is very smug that'm he's the favourite brother.
So things can change, but they might not. So keep door open.
13 is very very hormonal time for him

Thank you everyone.
@Ragwort, I do understand that very very occasionally, when a tween is dealing with significant hormonal and dynamic changes, emotions can get confused. But I honestly cannot believe that an established relationship can break down irretrievably after coming to terms with and maturing into those emotions! That would be tantamount to saying that DSS is a jealous and bitter, unforgiving soul...and I can’t reconcile that with the boy we know.

Both children have their own rooms, and extensionwork has started to expand to make room for baby when they need their own room. But other than that, so significant changes. We have even booked a short holiday for DH and the two big kids over half term so they get quality time with their dad after the birth. But there’s no guarantee DSS will want to go at this stage

Hi @devilishlygood - my ds1 was 13 when his dad left & 18 when he had a new baby. My ds2 was 8 when exh left & 13 when he had the new baby. So yes, I would agree with pp that 13 is a very tricky age. Neither of my boys were delighted with the news that a baby was on the way & definitely did struggle with it all.
However this is where parental responsibility comes into play.
I spent months explaining to ds2 (had already done this with ds1) that his dad had not left them - he had left me; & that unfortunately (for kids) in most separations the kids spend more time with one parent than the other & that in our case we had BOTH decided that the best thing was for them to live with me most of the time. I explained that their dad not living with them ft had nothing to do with his love for them; that WE had fallen out of love with each other & unfortunately they suffered the consequences of that but that their dad & I would keep striving to making things as ok as they could be. I also explained that their sm was entitled to have a baby if she wished; that her getting pregnant was not her doing alone & that taking their resentment out on her was unfair. I encouraged them to talk to their dad about how this was making them feel & they did.
My point here is that things change & kids need to be HELPED through the changes. I'm not trying to blame the dm but her responsibility as an r parent here is to get your dss to a point where he will come out of his room & talk to his dad - then it's up to your dh. This honestly will not be achieved unless she uses her influence to assist & BOTH parents work together to reinforce to your dss that their marriage breaking down does not mean his dad has less love for him.
Your dh has tried to apologize for leaving. Now he needs to stop writing letters & not apologize further for stuff that does not need apologizing for. He has done nothing 'wrong' in choosing to have a child with his wife. A therapist once told me that apologizing for stuff that has made kids unhappy but that is not actually wrong just gives them all power & basically indicates to them that you feel you have done wrong thus justifying their 'bad' behaviour in their heads. There's a big difference between "I'm sorry you feel bad because we are having a baby" & "I'm sorry we're having a baby".
Your dss is obviously feeling rubbish about everything but his parents letting him stay in his room & not talk to his dad is ALLOWING him to have this reaction & imo 13 is too young for a kid to decide he wants nc - just because there's a new sibling on the way. Your dss needs firm, consistent parenting at this point, & confirmation from both parents that there's enough love to go around.
Your dh needs to talk to his ex & both of them need to get on board with this for your dss's sake.

I think @Magda72 has given you very good advice, I agree with every word.

@Magda72, what you say here really does resonate with me. It’s so helpful to have such a healthy perspective to draw upon.

Unfortunately, DM is not on board. She and DH had a volatile relationship (emotionally, not violent), so decided to split after 4yrs. Neither was happy. It was, to some extent, mutual.

All had been somewhat stable for years, DH and I met and things seemed sort of fine. I met her before taking the kids with us on holiday. But when we got married last year, she started to share with DSS that she wasn’t happy. She told him that our marriage wasn’t real (?shes not religious, we aren’t sure where that came from), and there were lots of comments that came to our house that she would never get into another relationship because she was so focused on her children etc.

DH met her yesterday, she told him that she’s not prepared to advocate for his ‘shitty actions’ anymore. She didn’t appreciate being told about the baby after the children were told and thinks it’s inappropriate that she wasn’t invited to support the children at our wedding. She has a very different approach to parenting to the way things are done at our house, although she is a really good parent. She has a tough job, undoubtedly, raising two busy kids with relatively little support. DH does what he can but it seems it’s misguided, and often he has to interpret the plan only to find that he fucked up when she’s disappointed. She chooses to be a friend and advocate, whereas I think we’d describe ourselves as more authoritative.

She has vocalised several times that she panics that the children will want to move full time with their dad on the future. It suits her narrative to have this current friction. And she announced yesterday that, as DSS is now technically an adult, she is allowing him to exercise his right to cut communications with his father. She actually closed the discussion by saying that she has known that this will happen at some point, that DSS has been angry for such a long time but taken it out on her, and now DH is getting what he deserves. So we have no support in that camp!!

I think that PPs are right....we (DH-I don’t think I’m going to help the situation here) have to keep the consistency and the door-open approach, and hope, without pressing too hard. DSS is a lovely person, beaten up by his loyalties to his parents and terrified of rejection. I’m devastated that I’ve done this to him, caused him to feel like this, and all I can do is wait for him to work out that we aren’t his enemy.

Op you haven't done anything to him. So don't ever think that. You chose to ahve a child which is reasonable with you husband. The step children are loved and welcome.
Dss and his mother attitude are their own resposnbaility. They may come back or not. Leave the door open, easier now due to social media and stop begging for him to come. Invite him but that's it.
You might find he will go on that holiday as just his sibling him. N dad.

DSS will wake up to what a horrible mother he has sooner or later. Hang on in there. Awful woman.

When you describe your parenting as authoritative, has there been upsets between dss and his dad?

I think that there maybe a different view as there could be long term resentment from dss and something other than the baby has been the final straw. My DC see their father but I have had to support his relationship extensively, which he would never acknowledge. The DC are often angry with him, and at times haven't wanted to see him, he is also authoritative which comes across as bullying (he would not agree with that however). I have in the past smoothed it over but I am not sure how long I will continue as it doesn't feel right to force them into contact when they are now much older.

Did your dh ask his ex wife, what has changed, since dss was initially fine? There must be something behind "shitty actions" even if it is different perceptions and this needs to be explored. It is likely to be reality to dss.

Try not to focus on the ex wife as that is likely to divert your thinking from the solution

@lifebegins...no upsets at all. DSS has always been quite close to his dad. Sending random texts and getting ransoms msgs back and forth and generally quite affectionate. There have been calls from ExW to say DSS has acted up at school, or towards ExW, DH can be stern, as in ‘you can’t speak to your mother like that...’ but never harsh, never aggressive. It’s not his style at all. We just don’t do they get pocket money for doing chores not just because, they are treated fairly and as children. Not as partners or equals (as in, adults equal etc)

In fact I only recall ONE single time, about 18mths ago, when DH actually was cross with DSS, when DSS took the wheels of his sister’s bike and threw them on the railway near our house!!! DH was fuming. But he said to DSS that he was cross and DSS needed to go to his room so that everyone could calm down. Then an hour later went upstairs and said he mustn’t trash his sisters stuff, apologise etc etc. And all was resolved.

DH has asked ExW regularly what is missing, if she can guide him, if there’s anything she thinks he can do. She can’t help. If he won’t talk to DH, there’s nothing we can do. He has had a fall out with some new friends at school, according to DSD, but he won’t talk about it. He’s also been accused of bullying in the past but it was a one off and I think it was a misjudgement, DSS isn’t really a confrontational kinda kid, he’s a bit immature and clumsy with words but not nasty. I think he feels pressure to do well at school and he’s a bit underachieving according to his latest report. But he’s also 13, finding his way. And none of his parents have put any pressure on him.

I do think it’s a problem for him to feel he has to share his dad now. I feared this when we started talking about it, but he seemed excited at the prospect of a new sibling, although I know the reality IS so different from the theoretical new baby.

You say ‘don’t focus on ExW’ but she is really the only way to get through to him, and maybe she is absolutely the one to focus on. How can we fix the relationship with her...the reasonable adult? Any ideas? Because if she’s good, he’s good, right?

Sorry, yes: the ‘shitty actions’ were as I described....not allowing ExW to meet me before the children met me years ago, not inviting her to the wedding (the kids were our only guests, it was a tiny thing) and not telling her about our baby before telling the kids...those are the shitty things.

And we moved to a house that could give the kids their own rooms

I think all you can do is give it time. 13 is a tricky age, even if his parents were still together and having another baby it would still be a shocker. He needs some space to calm down.

How long was the gap between your DSC knowing and your DH’s ex knowing? It’s very possible the mum has been answering questions that should have been directed to your DH. I agree with a PP who suggested that this seems like it’s the ‘last straw’ of a wider issue with your DH playing games with his ex and kids, and the ex not being allowed to plug in the emotional gaps.

Strongly suggest family counselling for all of you, as if this isn’t fixed it’s likely the 10 yo will go the same way.

We’ve suggested family counselling in the past. And mediation.

What ‘games’ are you referring to? Are you also an ExW with experience of similar issues?

In fact, don’t bother answering. I can tell from your tone that you haven’t come here to be helpful. Thanks for the input!! 😂

I used to be a ‘SM’ of a child whose dad like to play games with his ex. Keeping my existence secret, for example, to the ex but telling his DC even before we met. He would make plans to pick them up and then change them last minute, blaming me, when I wasn’t even in the country. Often he’d tell me exaggerated stories of his ex that I knew couldn’t be true having met her (she was a lovely woman, understandably hated his guts).

After we broke up as I was fed up of his games, he got engaged to someone else and deliberately didn’t invite the ex even though the child was the only child and his parents / family were too old to watch him. I was invited, presumably because he wanted me to see him ‘doing well’, and his DSC stayed with me and my DP all night and begged to stay with us at our hotel. He had effectively been left to entertain himself at 8 yo as an adult would.

I am so glad I left that idiot and tbh I see the same threads here.