We got pregnant

[devilishlygood]

And suddenly DSS13 has told his mum that he hates me and never wants to come to our house again!!

We have been together for 6yrs. I’ve known and been in DSS13 and DSD9’s lives for 4.5yrs. We’ve always had a really good relationship. We spend time together but they get their dad to themselves too. My parents are divorced and I try to respect their need to be with dad. Sometimes one comes over alone and then the other. We’ve had no indicator of troubles before now.

DSS has just literally, overnight, shut down. Refuses to speak to his dad. Won’t talk to him about it. Doesn’t want to see us. DSD is almost the opposite. Super excited about new sibling, but is, of course, upset that her brother is so detached.

The kids knew that we intended to have a baby. We never kept it a secret when they asked after we got married (guess they picked up on the prospect from others, we didn’t shove it down throats....), but it has taken a little longer than expected. And of course the news of one on its way is very VERY different to the idea of dad having a baby one day.

But we are totally stumped. We told the kids together after the 12w scan (it was actually more like 15w), and they have been really excited. Both of them. Until now... I’m 7months.

DH is still going to ExWs to pick up DSD, and he has tried to see DSS, but he won’t come out of his room. ExW says DH ‘needs to show he cares’, but he’s written a letter apologising for all the past (he left when DSS was 5) which got returned unopened, he sends texts and tries calling, and now mum says he’s harassing DSS, so to stop. It’s a bit of a mine field. It’s difficult for mum too, as she is completely stuck in the middle between the son she loves and the ex husband she absolutely hates! We’re all heartbroken.

Is this a phase? Is there anything we can do/DH can do, is there anything that might make this less painful for DSS??? How can we explain that we’ll do what ever we can to make sure he feels loved if he won’t hear or see us? I can’t bear him being so sad 😞😞😞

She thought she should be at your wedding?

Barking mad.

Because if she’s good, he’s good, right?

I am not so sure this is right..an example my DC refuse to meet Ex's gf. This is their decision entirely. When he told them, this was their instant reaction and it hasn't changed. It was before I knew so nothing to do with me and I repeatedly encourage them

Their reasoning is their Dad acts selfishly generally and it will be worse if she is there. They won't tell him this for fear of his reaction. There is more stuff behind it but it all relates to their Dad and how he handles situations (badly in their eyes). If you saw messages you would think they are ok with him but generally they are not. Most visits they have some level of complaint..I used to say "your Dad loves you" but reality is they don't feel it so I have stopped. They go but if he forced the meeting with gf it would halt their relationship. If this happened I'm honestly not sure if I would feel inclined to fix it as it is so draining (and I get zero appreciation from Ex). When does it stop being my responsibility, after so many years, to fix his relationship with them? He never seems to figure it out himself or improve.

One dc is very vocal with him but the other two handle it inwardly.

I suspect dss is also feeling uncomfortable with new baby as it may be some source of embarrassment in school. Not rationale but definitely a stage where boys will feel awkward about their parents. Hopefully that will get better over time

Does your dh attend school events? Wonder if this is an opportunity. All I can suggest is your dh keeps offering to meet him, solo would be best. Maybe your dh could drop something around to his house or invite him to an activity dss likes, and let dss just ignore the pregnancy until he feels able to talk about it.

I see what you mean. But my relationship is not a new one with the children. We’ve spent 30-50% (fluctuations as per ExW work schedule) of our time with each other for nearly 5yrs. We holiday, do school runs, DH does school lots of stuff, sports, activities as well as the boring stuff like homework and tidying rooms etc.

DH has asked if he can see DSS tomorrow at a cycling event near our house, and DSS said yes. So that is progress.