Advice on disciplining partners kids

[ceit27]

Looking for some advice here as I'm feeling a bit lost.

My partner and I have been together 2 years, I have 2 teenagers, he has 3 and a half year old twins. We have started talking about moving in together, and are pretty much doing so between 2 houses. My kids are happy with the idea, but I'm worried about his kids behaviour. We've just come home from a 2 week holiday and it was pretty horrendous. His kids mum doesn't discipline them, she'll tell them no in one breath and give them what they want in the other. They're quite young for their age, and don't seem to understand when we say things like no ice cream now, have some dinner then ice cream. They'll just throw a tantrum and continue asking even though we don't give in, and never have to their tantrums. Their mum hasn't potty trained them yet, we've been trying while he had them but stopped as she was putting them right back in nappies and we felt it was more confusing for them. We did try the first week of our holiday as he normally only has them for weekends and we thought the long stretch would be a good time to do it, but it was making everyone miserable and we gave in and put them into pull up pants and just kept trying as best we could. Their mum still has them in high chairs, and one of the kids sleeps in her bed most nights. They are lovely kids, great personalities and I love having them in my life, but their behaviour can be appaling, constantly screaming at the top of their lungs, breaking things or turning on taps, emptying the fridge and freezer, generally just running amock any time they were left alone. And when I say left alone I mean for a few minutes to use the loo, get them a drink etc. We generally had one of us cooking or doing a washing and the other watching them if it came to anything longer than a loo break.

Now one of my kids has ADHD and I work with kids with special needs so I'm no stranger to challenging behaviour and have tons of patience, but these kids are just constant, all day every day. And it seems to me it comes down to their home environment. My partner has tried to talk to his ex, but he just gets a guilt trip because he's not their and she's doing it all on her own (she left him then changed her mind but he didn't want back with her). He works away 3 weeks at a time, and he works hard and has the kids as much as he can so it's not like he doesn't take responsibility. But basically anything he says with regards to behaviour and potty training is him criticising her and he's not there etc.

I felt I was constantly saying no or putting them on the naughty spot, moving them away from things they shouldn't be doing while away. My partner can be pretty soft on them, but does discipline them. I ended up speaking to him to explain i felt I was getting no support from him and he had to step up and deal with their behaviour. He said he had agreed with the times I'd given them into trouble and did step up a bit after that, but how do we/he work on their behaviour when they don't get any discipline at home?

Any advice would be really appreciated

Agree with the others that your partner is not ready to move in with anyone and that such different expectations mean that things are just going to get worse as the twins will get into the habit of being babied and your partner is likely to give in because it's easier to.

Not being funny, but 3/4 aren't the best at road safety, which is why a responsible parent wouldn't let a child that age out near a road alone.

A 3 yo was tragically killed when he ran into the road near where I live. You always hold children that age near the road.

I do think you have high expectations of them for their age.

Your DP has children and with his current job is unable to be a constant daily presence in their lives. This would have the case even if they were together.

She may be a lazy parent. She might just be stressed... but he chose her as the mother of his kids, knowing that as the constant parent, she would have a lot of influence over them.

He can't enforce things when he's not around.

The school will not be impressed if they aren't potty trained at 4 years old...and although boys are slower with potty training, I think they should be out of nappies by now.
My friend works in a school and they aren't impressed with nursery kids in nappies. Teachers are not there to do that.

I don't understand why a parent wouldn't relish not buying and changing nappies.

Just to say..MIT can't be easy. They're do young and I would hold off on the living together just yet.

I'm surprised your DC don't mind living together, considering their destructive naughty behaviour when they come over.

It really sounds like hard work and not pleasant at all.

Can I ask honestly? Does your DP struggle with them? Does he really need your help when he has them?

Does he initiate activities to do with them?

I ask...because the degree of stress...kind of indicates you do a lot of parenting.

Does your DP struggle with them?

Very interesting question SandyY2K

I think you would be mad to continue this relationship. You are just going to face years of this shit.

The mother of those twins most likely has her hands full and is exhausted from not only the 3 and a half years of their life, but also a twin pregnancy beforehand. And then perfect you and your perfect dp sweep in at the weekend to criticise every aspect of those kids’ upbringing. Telling her how it should be done. I expect she can barely manage. If they are safe, loved and fed then she’s done a great job at this early stage. Your dp had the opportunity to go back and try to bring those kids up with her but didn’t. IMO any relationship will be put under strain by baby twins. He should have kept his family together when he had the chance and not quit so early in their lives and shared the huge load. Now he’s just a backseat driver.

TBH I think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time on here. I don’t buy into this narrative that the ex wife is always so hard done-by, that she’s obviously having a bad time and had the twins yada yada yada. That may be the case, but being a mother doesn’t necessarily make it so. Neither does it mean that the father is always in the right either It’s more likely that the answer lies somewhere in the middle.

As for the poster who said that the DP chose this woman to be the mother of his children, what rubbish. Do we say the same to women on here when they talk about their ex’s inadequacies? No didn’t think so.

That being said however, these children are still so very little, and it seems that your DP is struggling with them as well as his ex. As much as his ex. Added to that, you have two older children to consider.

My personal opinion is that most women aren’t cut out to be step parents. That doesn’t mean that I think the majority can’t be good step parents, but I do think that if a woman has children then it is very difficult to take on the children of someone else in a way that men don’t seem to find.

You are going to be in these children’s lives for a long time if you stay in this relationship. And if you all move in together it is going to be hugely disruptive to your existing children who are teenagers and most likely will be trying in their own way.

I think that telling your partner that he needs to discipline his children is never going to end well. However I think that all living together is never going to be sustainable even.

At this point I think you possibly need to think about what it is that you want and can live with. Can you remain in this relationship but without the thought of you living together in the near future? Or would it perhaps be better for you to walk away from it now so that the both of you don’t end up resentful of each other and each other’s kids in the longer term?

PS: I am an ex wife and not a step parent. I know that my DH has plenty to say about the inadequate human being he believes me to be. And I know that his partner agrees with his thinking. However, I could state the complete opposite with reasons to back up my own thinking. If a third party listened to both sides I have no doubt that it would be difficult to decide who was the one in the right, iyswim. Even if I believe that I am. .

Do we say the same to women on here when they talk about their ex’s inadequacies? No didn’t think so

Well yes. It happens all the time. Posters are told they should have chosen better partners.

@CanILeavenowplease not at the point of separation we don’t. Sometimes if a woman is in an abusive relationship and having more children with said abuser or inadequate people do say that the woman should have chosen better. However if a woman posts on here that the ex is now with someone else, refusing to pay maintenance, doesn’t look after his kids when they’re with him the woman is given nothing but sympathy.

Maybe the ex wife should have chosen better and maybe she’s the one in the wrong for choosing an inadequate father for her children? After all, the ex chose the man to have children with didn’t she? So now that he’s gone she really needs to suck it up, doesn’t she?

Courtney555 stop trying to make out this thread is bashing the op.
Still sore from your own thread? It doesn't sound like the ops anything like you. She actually gives a shit about her stepchildren.

if a woman posts on here that the ex is now with someone else, refusing to pay maintenance, doesn’t look after his kids when they’re with him the woman is given nothing but sympathy

Completely disagree. This describes my ex. I was recently referred to by a poster as ‘it’ and the question along the lines of ‘does anyone think it should be sleeping with better men?’ was asked. She was supported by a large number of posters as well,

Yes, let’s blame the ex wife - the one left dealing with two young children - for not having found a better man to have children with. I notice you haven’t aimed such a comment are OP. Regardless, the misogyny in such comments....urgh.

Oh fucking hell OP you won't win this one.

I could have written your post. Except my step kids are 4 and 6.

Ultimatum to the dad I'm afraid is what I'm having to do. As in, I'm not coming out or Doing things with / for them and him if he doesn't play an active part in discipline. Good luck.

@NoCauseRebel, a very balanced post.

@lickencivers, how is he reacting to the ultimatum? I can't imagine my OH giving me an ultimatum because he doesn't like how I discipline my kids. To me it would the clear conclusion that we are just not meant to be together.

Do we say the same to women on here when they talk about their ex’s inadequacies? No didn’t think so

Why would you have a (second) child with a manchild like this? Is a common retort (and the answer is that it was an accident or they thought that the man would change).

If a woman complains about her ex's parenting it's almost always MYOB or its up to Dad what happens during his time.

@swingofthings well if he wants to do stuff as a family he doesn't get to dip out of parenting. Ultimatum goes like this - we are going to the beach - I'm only going to haul my fat arse there if we are going to share the parenting. Or I'll do my own thing with my kids and have no stress