Advice on disciplining partners kids

[ceit27]

Looking for some advice here as I'm feeling a bit lost.

My partner and I have been together 2 years, I have 2 teenagers, he has 3 and a half year old twins. We have started talking about moving in together, and are pretty much doing so between 2 houses. My kids are happy with the idea, but I'm worried about his kids behaviour. We've just come home from a 2 week holiday and it was pretty horrendous. His kids mum doesn't discipline them, she'll tell them no in one breath and give them what they want in the other. They're quite young for their age, and don't seem to understand when we say things like no ice cream now, have some dinner then ice cream. They'll just throw a tantrum and continue asking even though we don't give in, and never have to their tantrums. Their mum hasn't potty trained them yet, we've been trying while he had them but stopped as she was putting them right back in nappies and we felt it was more confusing for them. We did try the first week of our holiday as he normally only has them for weekends and we thought the long stretch would be a good time to do it, but it was making everyone miserable and we gave in and put them into pull up pants and just kept trying as best we could. Their mum still has them in high chairs, and one of the kids sleeps in her bed most nights. They are lovely kids, great personalities and I love having them in my life, but their behaviour can be appaling, constantly screaming at the top of their lungs, breaking things or turning on taps, emptying the fridge and freezer, generally just running amock any time they were left alone. And when I say left alone I mean for a few minutes to use the loo, get them a drink etc. We generally had one of us cooking or doing a washing and the other watching them if it came to anything longer than a loo break.

Now one of my kids has ADHD and I work with kids with special needs so I'm no stranger to challenging behaviour and have tons of patience, but these kids are just constant, all day every day. And it seems to me it comes down to their home environment. My partner has tried to talk to his ex, but he just gets a guilt trip because he's not their and she's doing it all on her own (she left him then changed her mind but he didn't want back with her). He works away 3 weeks at a time, and he works hard and has the kids as much as he can so it's not like he doesn't take responsibility. But basically anything he says with regards to behaviour and potty training is him criticising her and he's not there etc.

I felt I was constantly saying no or putting them on the naughty spot, moving them away from things they shouldn't be doing while away. My partner can be pretty soft on them, but does discipline them. I ended up speaking to him to explain i felt I was getting no support from him and he had to step up and deal with their behaviour. He said he had agreed with the times I'd given them into trouble and did step up a bit after that, but how do we/he work on their behaviour when they don't get any discipline at home?

Any advice would be really appreciated

How is their language development? You say they're "young" for their age....does that include in their communication?

They should be starting school in September so desperately need potty training. Are you sure that they dont have any special needs?

You have no say in the mothers parenting style, so all you can do is have consistent house rules and boundaries and they will learn.

Also, really it shouldn't be your responsibility to discipline at all, your OH needs to be doing this. He will find it hard because he doesn't see them as much as he wishes he could, so there will be guilt, but he needs to be the dad.

In the mothers defence 3.5 y/o twin boys must be a nightmare.

My partner has tried to talk to his ex, but he just gets a guilt trip because he's not their and she's doing it all on her own (she left him then changed her mind but he didn't want back with her)
But she's right. The whole 'she left but changed her mind' is most likely what he tells himself to help himself with the guilt. The reality is tsht she found herself on her own with 2 demanding toddlers. Even if it is true, it doesn't stop the fact that he hardly has them if he is away 3 weeks at a time, and she hardly gets a break.

So she does have a point. It's easy to criticise and assign blame when he's hardly there to be a parent himself. She is copping as well as she can. They might be harder than the average 3 yo, but having a tantrum because they want an ice cream is totally normal behaviour at that age even kids who are told repeatedly no. It takes a few more years for the mseesage to sink in and still then they will try their luck at times.

It's another thread when the dad is deficient in the time he sped a with his kids but all the blame on his kids not being as he wishes to be is put on the mother. How about him changing his job and looking at a 50/50 arrangement? If it mattered so much to him, he would do so, even if it meant a cut to his pay.

Wow - from all my twin parent friends (my cousin was a single mum of twins) - it is very very tough. Even tougher when dad isn't there to help day to day. Cut the mum some slack please. A child sleeping in her bed is not unusual at all. You really can't try to do things like potty training without full agreement and support of both parents. As someone else suggested it maybe more helpful for your partner to find a job where he can play a more active part in their upbringing. You and he will need to agree on the house rules you have. And maybe, just maybe you can he can work on the relationship with Mum so you all work as a team.

Yep. All mum’s fault. Your x-ray vision that sees into her house and what she does/doesn’t do is quite something.

You are seeing her through someone else’s eyes. Ask yourself why either or both of you need to see the ex in anything but positives. Whoever made the choice to leave, being the one left 2 three year olds is hardly easy, is it?

STOP BLAMING THEIR MUM FOR ALL THE WOES OF THR WORLD.

Honestly OP listen to yourself
The woman is managing twins on her own pretty much full time.
Your DP has them about 5% of the time max by the sounds of it and then you and he waft in and complain she isn’t doing this and that .

If he furious and thoroughly pissed off if I was her
Loads of kids aren’t dry yet by 3.5 and with twins it can be a nightmare
Sleeping in her bed is fine and tantrums are entirely normal

You need to butt right out
He needs to support his ex and be a decent and more involved father
You can support him in that and expect more of him and stop heaping negativity on their poor mum

Ugh I hate threads like this
New partner wafts in and claims her DP is sodding father of the year for his minimal involvement and berates the mum who is being a full time parent

It’s pathetic

It must be tough having twins, and she is probably just doing her best.

It's not really your place to discipline their children. But if you are going to be living together it's inevitable that you will be involved in their care and need to be consistent with their rules.

Sorry if I missed it, but does he have them every weekend ?

Sorry my fault, I have just seen he works away for 3 weeks. Does their mum get a break and have support elsewhere in these 3 weeks.

Does he then have them for a week or 2 on his return ?

How much time does your DH actually have them?

So their mum hasn’t had any joy potty training them, you didn’t either - but it’s her fault? Eh?

Wow OP hope you're wearing your tin hat.

I think what you're asking is are reasonable questions and I didn't read your post as critical of the mother - just facts. Fact they aren't potty trained at 3.5 which might be rather late for some. Fact that they don't respond to being told no which at 3.5 might be quite late. And so on.

The situation is tricky. Are you the OW or could you and her meet and see whether you can support her during those 3 weeks when your OH is absent? If you're in a serious relationship then this isn't beyond the realms of possibility. Twins are hard hard work. Alone - she deserves a bloody medal (as do all single parents in my book).

What does your OH think should happen here?

You acknowledge that they are lovely children and you sound intent on trying to help raise them which I think is lovely and I wish you well.

I didn't read your post as critical of the mother - just facts

So how is ‘His kids mum doesn't discipline them, she'll tell them no in one breath and give them what they want in the other’ not a criticism? How could the OP possibly know that she does one thing and then the other? How could the OP’s partner know how his ex parents given he’s away for weeks at a time? And that’s bearing in mind the OP has been with him for 2 years and the children are only 3! They will have changed massively in that time and will have been very hard work but it’s the ex’s fault they don’t behave perfectly in their father’s care. May be their father needs to be looking a little closer to home?

Be prepared to be told that you are totally out of order and stepmother should never get involved in any discipline ever and that the mother can never be criticised because she's on her own. It's predictable MN.

Children are influenced by the environment they are in the most, however as you're not that environment then you have limited ability to do anything practical.

Your DP needs to agree some consistent approaches with their mum and those approaches need to be used across houses by all adults. Equally, if you DP is away lots he isn't a consistent figure in their lives to have a mum routine and a dad routine. If you have an amicable relationship with mum could you build a bridge and relationship there?

However, if this gets nowhere then you may have to reconsider whether blending families is going to work in this situation. They're 3.5 now. What about when they've still had no boundaries and are 7, 8, 14,15?

They are still little! And little ones are hard especially when they've got a partner in crime! And the poster who said they'll be starting school in Sept, no they won't, they have to be 4 by September, they are 3.5.
You say yourself you find their behaviour difficult, so I bet their mum finds it challenging as well, and she's on her own. I agree that parenting is teamwork, you all need to back each other up and be singing from the same hymn sheet! It's not their mums fault.

the mother can never be criticised because she's on her own

You can’t possibly know what goes on in someone else’s home. The OP states, as fact, that the children haven’t been potty-trained. This could be true. It could also be the case that mum has tried - more than once - and hasn’t managed it. But how would the OP know that?

And yes, being on your own makes parenting difficult. It’s even more difficult when you’re dealing with toddlers and 2 toddlers as well. On top of that, there’s work, or preparing for work and running a household and an ex and new partner who are happy to stand back and tell you how shit you are.

Children are influenced by the environment they are in the most

Children are quite capable of adapting to different rules and routines in different environments. Children who run wild at home can happily stand in line at school (and vice versa), for example, it is up to the respective parents to run their household’s as they see fit and lay down boundaries with consequences (good and bad). But yeah, blame the mum when the dad goes without seeing the children for weeks at a time, eh?

My ex was like this, only had kids for a few hours Saturday when they were little, never overnights because he wanted to go out evenings and not be up at 5am, left me with all the lion share of the hard part of being a parent but then was very keen to point out in accusatory tone what I was failing out.

It was even more frustrating because I would sometimes have echo that he would tell others what a great mum I was, but he never told me that face to face, just acted all mighty about how he had to do one tiny little thing in the scale of things because I hadn't.

OP, you had kids yourself, surely if you found it so hard to have the girls for 2 weeks and they were two of you, can't you have some sympathy with the mum who does so for 3 weeks at a time on her own? Maybe she cod do a bit more, but she's probably just managing to cope because the father of her kids does so little himself.

I think his kids will set yours off.

OP

You hoped for sensible advice as a step parent on Mumsnet????

Let me summarize it for you. All that matters is those children. Not you, or your children, or your marriage. It's your fault for getting involved with someone with children if you're not prepared to allow them to treat you like dirt and be glad about it. If they were your children, you'd be getting helping advice. But you're a stepmother, get in your box and be quiet please.

Secondly. The poor mother. She's obviously fabulous and doing her best. Anything showing otherwise is you as a jealous evil stepmother, or your useless DH telling stories about her because he's the arse that left.

She sounds like a pain in the ass. As I'm sure you don't need to be told. I feel your frustration. Are they too young for reward charts? Something like that to try?

But as you'll see, all you'll get is suggestions that DH should quit his job and half his pay so you (and your family that don't matter) can dance round this poor, poor, hero of a woman more

But yeah, blame the mum when the dad goes without seeing the children for weeks at a time, eh?

How does that match with me saying this:
Your DP needs to agree some consistent approaches with their mum and those approaches need to be used across houses by all adults. Equally, if you DP is away lots he isn't a consistent figure in their lives to have a mum routine and a dad routine. If you have an amicable relationship with mum could you build a bridge and relationship there?

Don't let a spot of common sense get in the way of the MN evil step parent and feckless NRP approach though.

The bottom line is that these kids are badly behaved. Having such different standards of behaviour between two sets of children makes blending families very difficult because you can't have 2 sets of children under the same roof getting markedly different treatment (which people are the first to say if it comes to rewards and treats, but seem to think that it's totally ok to have wildly different expectations of behaviour).

Nobody ever has an issue with a mum getting a new partner and him being involved in discipline and so on (If anything the usual lines of him being more of a dad because he's there every day are rolled out), but Dad's partner is always expected to roll over.
I'm not even a step parent but the double standard is huge.

@Courtney555 

Courtney I am seeing that I am indeed the evil step mother lol.

Fact is I have tried to be supportive to mum as well as dad. I've been in her shoes and I have been more than fair to her. I've also done a lot for her while he's at home and away. And I know about the situation at her home because she's told me, she can't discipline them, she feels guilty, she doesn't know how to potty training etc. There are other things going on that have been raised by the nursery but they all show that she isn't parenting well. She doesn't have a job to manage. My partner has looked for a different job but she has told him she couldn't take a cut in her maintenance so she doesn't want him to leave his job. My partner has the kids when he's home as much as she will allow. It was a battle to get her to allow him to take them for the 2 weeks over summer. As for me taking the kids when he is at work so she gets at break? Well she has them in childcare and/or nursery all day Monday to Friday and doesn't work, I work full time and study at night so quite frankly no, she gets more time to herself than I do lol.

I did just want some tips from people who had maybe been in the same situation and had to discipline kids differently but hey, I'm glad I made so many people feel better about themselves by having a go at me.

Thank you to the few who did actually try to help.

In addition while my ex is at work he gets a video calls with the kids near enough daily,
That's the best he can do when he's at work, and he has made as many adjustments to his job as he can to make sure he is home as much as possible, he is very much a consistent figure in their lives.

Hey, don't bother justifying yourself on here. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

You sound like a perfectly reasonable, rational, decent woman.

That doesn't matter.

The blinkered, double standard, evil stepmother approach on here is infamous.

Take yourself off this thread, and don't give it a second thought, you won't get anything useful from it, as you can see.

Hope your situation eases, just keep doing your best, it's all you can do x

@Courtney555, your post is ridiculous. There's a big interpretation gap between saying that a mum is probably just doing her best under the circumstances and calling her a hero.

Putting some blame on OP's partner doesn't make his ex a super woman, it just mean that he (and OP by proxi) are not in the best position to transfer all blame on what they believe is educational failings on her shoulders.

OP, if your first post had been about advice on how to deal with struggling with potty training and dealing with tantrums without raising the matter of your struggles being due to their mum, you'd have had different responses.

You say you failed to get them to use the potty. 2 weeks us plenty of time to try to do if they were ready, so you failed as she has.

Tantrums are totally normal at that age. Disciplining continues on holidays, you did the right thing and they will have taken it in. They will learn that whatever they get when with mum doesn't mean they will get with dad. Next holidays should be easier.

As for your statement that the ex is happy with your oh working as he is and that's why is continues to do so can't you see how absurb this is! If he feels he needs to be more involved in his kids upbringing and more present in their lives, he doesn't need her approval.

The reality is that it suits him and you (and her maybe) but that doesn't make it right. It is his choice not to find another job so he can have more influence on his kids upbringing so they behave more like what he expects from them.