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Original poster

My stepkids and bio kids treated differently by dad

26 replies

ang87 · 27/07/2019 07:37

I'm struggling to understand how and why I'm with my OH as we are arguing daily about how he treats my son and our son, then how he treats his daughters! We argue as he refuses to discipline the girls, over being rude, naughty even to me and if I try to talk to them about naughty behaviour it ends up in him arguing.
He doesn't interact with my son and does the bare minimum with our 1 year old son. But the girls he dotes upon. He tries to buy affection and love from them, yet will leave the boys out and I'm becoming tired of constantly trying to help him and talk to him about the need for a routine and equal treatment of the kids. But he won't hear anything, and I fear we are on the verge of breaking up. I'm so unhappy because it's like I'm loosing my partner and two children. Yet he doesn't care about upsetting the boys 💔 please say this will pass? Or he will acknowledge the need to treat them all equally?

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lunar1 · 27/07/2019 07:48

When you say he doesn't interact with your son, do you live together and he ignores your eldest?

Original poster
ang87 · 27/07/2019 09:20

Yes we live together and he ignores him and makes little time to get to know him!

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/07/2019 12:08

I don’t get why you would add another child if there was already unequal treatment of the children and he didn’t want to get to know one.

Original poster
ang87 · 27/07/2019 12:41

Because it wasn't always this way, at first i thought it was just difficult, and unfortunately we fell pregnant unintentionally, and I didn't want an abortion. I sound like a silly woman, I believed he would change and it was just him slowly working on it. But as the years slowly passed by it's become more noticeable and prominent. And we've spoken about it and he promises more equality but it never happens

OP posts:
swingofthings · 27/07/2019 17:59

Did he want you to have an abortion? I'm sorry to say this, it is hurtful, but maybe he just didn't really want things to get more serious between you too but has gone ahead because he felt he had to.

You need to have a serious talk about committed he really is to you and his boy, let alone your eldest.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 18:13

leave him then.
what are you waiting for?

Original poster
ang87 · 27/07/2019 21:11

Things were serious when we were pregnant, I gave him the choice to walk away and he fought to stay with me. But these issues are harder and harder the more they're ignored.
And I understand the difficulties of loving a child that's not your own. I welcomed his daughters into our lives and gave all the attention, space, love and time. I'm they're friend and I think it's difficult because I don't want 4 children hurting

OP posts:
Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 21:17

Protecting your dc against him is vital. He will damage their self esteem and mh.
And yours.
Walk away op.

lunar1 · 27/07/2019 21:19

You aren't even close to your partner loving your son, he doesn't even interact with him.

Allowing your child to grow up like this is cruel.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2019 21:21

It sounds like you've tried but he's not willing to change. The only option you have left is to walk away for the sake of your sons.

HJWT · 27/07/2019 22:01

@ang87 is it the fact he cares about girls more? If he's treating your joint son the same as his step son then maybe its to do with their sex ? whats he like when the girls aren't with you

Pineapplefish · 27/07/2019 22:04

This would be a deal breaker for me, sorry OP Sad

hotdogsummer · 27/07/2019 22:56

Are the girls a lot older than your DS ?

I see your joint son is only 1. Maybe he doesn't get young children? But to not even try when he seems to be caring for his girls. It's hard, they do do say fathers and daughters, mothers and sons.

I feel for you OP, my DH was rubbish when our DC were very young but has really improved once school age plus.

lonelyinacrowd39 · 28/07/2019 19:34

if the relationship ended now would you miss him....or your step children more?
The way he treats your boy would be a deal breaker for me. I know you love all the children, but you need to put your own two first.

Anuta77 · 28/07/2019 21:14

I'm so sorry, you're going through this.
Maybe you could give some examples, because sometimes we have impressions and things are not as black and white.
But I do understand you, my DP also has a very lovely (with him) daughter (12), who rarely does anything wrong. And there isn't much interactions between my son (11) and him. My son is very shy, so partially it's understandable, but I obviously feel bad when I see lots of affections between SD and DP and minimal interaction between my son and DP. When he wants to discipline my son, it's done with a strong voice, when SD does something, he either doesn't see it or corrects her softly. He's not like that with me either.
Whenever I go with one of my kids (we also have a 20 month old), SD comes with us (she often invites herself, but she's never left out). But last week, DP decided to take a walk and he invited his daughter who doesn't like it right in front of our son. SD gets along with my son, so no reason to leave him out and just like her, he needs to be taken away from the screens.
I'm not sure, I have a solution other than stop criticizing him and concentrating on your kids. That's what I did. Somehow, I feel that SD feels a bit left out sometimes and I'm not going to hurt her purposely, but I do concentrate more on my children.
Also, correct his daughters who are rude. I didn't, expected him to do it and it didn't go well.
And yes, maybe you need to rethink your relationship.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 28/07/2019 21:59

I small a rat I think this mummytotwosboys the one who hates her partners two girls and wants all the focus on her precious boys.

readitandwept · 28/07/2019 23:19

@Snappedandfarted2019

If it is, she's told the biggest pile of lies!

I welcomed his daughters into our lives and gave all the attention, space, love and time. I'm they're friend

Nothing at all fits, about from the details of the kids, (which did get my attention too). What would be the point?

GlitchStitch · 29/07/2019 01:01

Her last thread (which was deleted) was complaining that he was now really focusing on the girls and making sure he stuck to contact, took them out etc and she didn't like or understand it because he'd not been like that before so this thread does kind of fit if it's her.

readitandwept · 29/07/2019 01:07

True, I did read that thread. I just can imagine her ever saying she feels like she's losing two children or not wanting them hurting in reference to the girls.

Plus it seems like her kids have been 1 and 4 forever!

readitandwept · 29/07/2019 01:08

*can't imagine

Original poster
ang87 · 29/07/2019 05:53

Thank you for you comments, as for interactions my eldest son is 11 and asks my partner to play PS4 or to play football over the park. But he never has time. But if the girls ask him to do similar things he jumps to it, he will openly buy £80-100 of gifts for the girls while we are out shopping but ignore the boys,
We discuss my sons behaviour openly, and he will tell me he's been naughty/disrespectful or cheeky. However won't see what his daughters behaviour is like, and let's them talk to both of us and grandparents like crap.
As for the whole I want my boys to have all the attention, that's not true I just want all the kids to be treated fairly and loved equally, to be disciplined and told off when any of them misbehave. And for there to be no resentment or unfairness. I've treated those girls as my own children, I encouraged my partner to have them week on, week off so he was able to parent them fairly, and gets to see them more often and doesn't miss out school runs, or important occasions. As children need both parents

OP posts:
Original poster
ang87 · 29/07/2019 06:01

The children are 1,6, 9 and 11, this is the first time I've commented/posted here. Looking for coping mechanisms, or insights as to how people co parent children when it's unfair in the home. I don't want to stay in a relationship that's unhealthy for the kids, but I don't want to break up if we can sort things... as I love my partner and his daughters but would like him to be more involved with the boys. As well as the girls

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2019 13:40

I don't want to stay in a relationship that's unhealthy for the kids, but I don't want to break up if we can sort things...

It IS unhealthy and dysfunctional. You've tried to improve things and he hasn't changed.

You should end the relationship now.

And Hmm to the usual bullshit excuses about men "not getting" babies or small children posted above. Ridiculous sexist claptrap.

averythinline · 10/08/2019 16:40

this is horrible for your dc ...please support them

Keykeche · 11/08/2019 23:08

We are together for 7 years and it never passes. I thought he at least would treat our bio daughter the same, but nope.

Hence huge blow out today

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