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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help! In-laws jeopordising our stepfamily!

53 replies

MaryRose · 26/07/2007 16:37

I hope someone has ahd a similar experience and can help! Been married to DH for 4 months, together 2 years,he has a daughter by first marriage, I have 2 girls by first marriage. The five of us get on brilliantly as a family but my in laws seem to be doing their best to undermine us. When my husband left his first wife theings were very difficult and they fell out with her and even threatened to take her to court to get access to their grandaughter as she prevented them seeing her. We asked them not to and to just see how things pan out, even though we were on the point of taking her to court ourselves for contact and also for continual harrassment, as we thought it would make things difficult for my stepdaughter. We have had terrible problems over contact but eventually things are getting better and my step daughter visits regularly. Sometimes, one weekend in 5 when my husband works she goes to my parents in law and sometimes she stays with me and my girls. My in laws seem to resent this, wanting all of this contact to themselves and recently have approached my husbands ex wife and told her we are denying them access by doing this, which was golddust to her as she loves to create trouble. We had no idea they felt this way as they have never approached us and had to hear it from the ex wife. They do see their granddaughter in my husband's contact time but obviously not as much as they would like, but I am hurt they didn't talk to us first. My husband's ex wife is now cutting his contact time and giving this time to my in laws instead, which is breaking his heart.I know she is doing this to hurt us, not because she cares for my in laws feelings. His parents are accepting this time freely without telling him and without thinking how he feels, and seem to have conveniently forgotten that his ex wife prevented them from seeing their grandaughter in the first place! The situation is also made worse by dh's sister, who resents me and my daughters having such a good relationship with my stepdaughter and has said to my face that my children are different to her niece and should be treated differently. I am also pregnant and just don't know how things will be when the baby arrives and my in laws insist on treating my 2 daughters differently to the baby. In our eyes all our children are equal. Please help.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 27/07/2007 08:34

NO advice but will bump for your.

Although i think your dh needs to speak to his parents/family telling how he feels and how they are hurting him.

Does he have contact set down by the courts.

Other then i don't think grandparents have any rights in law to see their grandchildren when families split up.

I hope some one with more experience comes along soon with some better advice.

Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 12:56

Thanks for the thoughts lizziemum. No, there is no court order, we've tried to avoid it, though if she starts being awkward about contact again I think we may have to go down this route. I've checked and the grandparents don't have legal rights, that's not to say we don't want them to see their grandchild, just don't want to be forced to forfeit all our contact time! We are going to talk to them but my father in law is very opinionated and stubborn so I'm not sure how it willl go!

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Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 13:38

Though I relish the thought of being able to throw them out the house the way I feel right now!

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cornsilk · 27/07/2007 13:43

It's well out of order for them to take away the father's contact time to have for themselves. They should not have gone to her mother behind your backs. You need to explain to them how you feel and that they actually have no legal rights here. I feel very sorry for you Maryrose. Ignore your SIL she sounds like a cow.

Mumpbump · 27/07/2007 13:48

I think your dh needs to have a word with his parents. If I were you, I would not get involved yourself as it is his family. I agree you should ignore the SIL who sounds pretty horrid. My parents buy presents from my dsc which used to surprise me, but of course they are their step-grandchildren so I realise it is the right thing to do, especially since ds was born.

How old is your dsd? Is she old enough to have a say in who she sees and when?

CarGirl · 27/07/2007 13:51

Your dh needs to sort this out with his parents, do his parents actually like him? I can't think of a more cruel thing to do tbh.

CarGirl · 27/07/2007 13:51

Your dh needs to sort this out with his parents, do his parents actually like him? I can't think of a more cruel thing to do tbh.

CarGirl · 27/07/2007 13:54

I also think I would speak to a solicitor and ask them for some advice on what is a reasonable amount of time for your dh to have contact, I would suspect more than he is actually getting probably every other weekend would be the norm?

Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 13:58

dsd is 8, we know she wnats ro spend more time with us as has said so, but is very manipulated by her mum. DH is speaking to solicitor, he has always got on with his parents, I think they are just very selfish and don't acre if they get access at the expense of him. SIL has this thing about him being the "favourite son", it's pathetic! She even spent half an hour at our wedding telling my cousin how their parents had always favoured him!Even though they care for her daughter EVERY DAY, lend her heaps of money etc and he asks for nothing!

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Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:07

BTW I have tred to kill the SIL with kindness, had her daughter as my bridesmaid etc. Didn't work - she still didn't invite my dd's to her daughter's birthday party, just my dsd on her own. DH had to give up his contact time so she could go to that too

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chocolatemummy · 27/07/2007 14:18

in law's and ex's!!!
I have great difficulties with my in-laws regarding the contact between my dh and his son. After years of arguing, court etc I just keep away from it now, I see my inlaws and we are all very civil but as soon as they start talking about my dh ex or his son I just leave because I am sick of it and its not my famly.
At the moment he see's him every other weekend, all weekend. We now live about 350 mile round trip from where they are and before that lived about 140 so transport has always been an issue as his ex doesn't do any dropping off or picking up as she claims she can't afford the petrol! Me and my husband have a 3 year old and both work full time so its very exhausting at the end of the week and has great affect on our family life as we only have weekends and we lose every other to contact. At present father in law collects and returns step son as they only live about 20-30 miles from them and he is retired but we get lots of flack from brother inlaw and his wife about that. They offered to collect him as they live close.Even on the 2 or 3 occassions in almost 5 years that we have not been able to make the contact weekend, the inlaws have had him anyway because they want to see him. They are always putting pressure on dh to see him more and so does the ex.We have a life and a young child and full time jobs and its just not practical financially or physically to see him anymore than we do.This is and prob always will be very difficult situation and there is not much can be done because at end of the day step child is not yours as mine is not mine and they as the parent and grandparents will do as they like however much that affects our new families.Shit but true, atleast you know you are not alone!

chocolatemummy · 27/07/2007 14:18

As for SIL what a cow, do you really want someone like this to be in you life anyway? is it worth it

Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:25

We live close so it's much easier. DH has reasonable contact and we ove seeing her but is it reasonable for in laws to assert themselves and interfere ? Sometimes we just wnat to be o our own with our kids!

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Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:27

And I know what you mean about in laws going on about the ex! At one point it was all they ever talked about-I used to shut myself in the kitchen so I could scream!!!!

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CarGirl · 27/07/2007 14:35

If you had dsd every other weekend then at least once per month the granparents could have a day with her/all of you that is reasonable! However it is up to your dh to sort out what he wants and lay down the line with his parents.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 27/07/2007 14:37

Chocolatemummy, as much as I can agree that seeing a child who lives so far away every other weekend is quite a big effort, I have to totally disagree with you when you say

"as soon as they start talking about my dh ex or his son I just leave because I am sick of it and its not my famly"

I'm sorry, you married the father, the child IS your family!

As far as I understood, Maryrose is asking for support to get her family to spend more time with her DSD. And her ILs are being unreasonable beyond belief by ganging up with the ex to get the time the girl should be spending with her father.

Mumpbump · 27/07/2007 14:37

Or you have dsd every other weekend and your pil have her on the weekends when you don't have her. Like that, it's equal...

Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:37

We have her one full weekend a month, two single overnight stops plus one day. And 2 hours on a Wednesday. (my dh works shifts so it fits in). They often have her on the Wednesday or come here to see her and probably overnight evry 6 weeks or so but they just seem to want more!

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Mumpbump · 27/07/2007 14:38

I think chocolatemummy meant that the pil are not her family. I didn't think it was a reference to the dss.

Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:41

Mumpbump, that would work but ex has always insisted that PIL see dsd in our contact time. Until now, when she has sensed that she can cause a bit of grief. I think it's the lack of communication from PIL that has really pissed me off-going straight to the ex to "Tell on us" seems like playground behaviour and very disloyal to their son.

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Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:43

Also, the contact time she's given PIL suits her as she's working. I doubt she would give PIL extra time out of school holidays.

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Mumpbump · 27/07/2007 14:48

Well, why not suggest your dh speaks to your PIL and they come to some arrangement between themselves about the time your dsd spends wherever. Eg. agree with the ex that you and dh will have dsd every weekend and then agree with PIL that they will have her every other weekend and don't tell the ex. If your PIL have a difficult history with her, they might be prepared to do it.

Whatever you do, I think dh either has to have a word with your pil or, if he's not prepared to, then his alternative is let it drop and just accept that he will see less of his dd.

Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:51

The arrangement use to be that we had dsd every Saturday, and PIL had her when he worked. But he was hardly seeing her cos he works 3 wknds in 5, so we agreed with the ex to change access to fit in with his shifts. Now PIL don't get her so often and resent it. But I feel they still get plenty of time with her, just not as much as they did. But neither do we for that matter!

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Original poster
MaryRose · 27/07/2007 14:53

What really winds me up is how they've stabbed their son in the back. Am I justified in saying if they don't start supporting their son they aren't welcome in my house?

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Mumpbump · 27/07/2007 15:00

You can understand why you might want to say this, but then you're really waging war! I think you have to let dh take the lead on this one...

I had a massive shouting fit at my dad's Russian lady friend who thinks she has a god-given right to tell everyone around her how they should do things. I even got a lecture on why putting clothes through the washing machine is not enough and why you have to hang them out in the sunshine - in the context of us not presently having an outdoor washing line because it hasn't been put up. I ended up having a go at her because I had had a bit of a disagreement with my dad and she started to tell me that I was wrong without understanding what the argument was about. Obviously, I didn't think it was her place to intervene in an argument between me and my dad. On the same basis, that is why I would keep out of any dispute between your dh and your PIL.

Now, I would dearly love to tell her that she is never to darken my door again, but that would put my dad in a very difficult position. Doing this to your PIL will only put your dh in a difficult position...