Help! In-laws jeopordising our stepfamily!

[MaryRose]

I hope someone has ahd a similar experience and can help! Been married to DH for 4 months, together 2 years,he has a daughter by first marriage, I have 2 girls by first marriage. The five of us get on brilliantly as a family but my in laws seem to be doing their best to undermine us. When my husband left his first wife theings were very difficult and they fell out with her and even threatened to take her to court to get access to their grandaughter as she prevented them seeing her. We asked them not to and to just see how things pan out, even though we were on the point of taking her to court ourselves for contact and also for continual harrassment, as we thought it would make things difficult for my stepdaughter. We have had terrible problems over contact but eventually things are getting better and my step daughter visits regularly. Sometimes, one weekend in 5 when my husband works she goes to my parents in law and sometimes she stays with me and my girls. My in laws seem to resent this, wanting all of this contact to themselves and recently have approached my husbands ex wife and told her we are denying them access by doing this, which was golddust to her as she loves to create trouble. We had no idea they felt this way as they have never approached us and had to hear it from the ex wife. They do see their granddaughter in my husband's contact time but obviously not as much as they would like, but I am hurt they didn't talk to us first. My husband's ex wife is now cutting his contact time and giving this time to my in laws instead, which is breaking his heart.I know she is doing this to hurt us, not because she cares for my in laws feelings. His parents are accepting this time freely without telling him and without thinking how he feels, and seem to have conveniently forgotten that his ex wife prevented them from seeing their grandaughter in the first place! The situation is also made worse by dh's sister, who resents me and my daughters having such a good relationship with my stepdaughter and has said to my face that my children are different to her niece and should be treated differently. I am also pregnant and just don't know how things will be when the baby arrives and my in laws insist on treating my 2 daughters differently to the baby. In our eyes all our children are equal. Please help.

Yeh, you're right mumpbump. Grin and bear it I guess, that's what mums (and second wives!) have to do!

It's a sad state of affairs, the whole in laws, step kids and ex's shananagans. I've been a step mum for 8 years now, dsd is 12 and dss is 9, we are very lucky in that we get on really well with the ex but it's still been hard b'cos IL's prefer the ex over me, I personally have come to terms with them not bothering with me, I have my own family and the are very hands on when it comes to our ds who is 4, I can honestly say that my IL's prefer my step kids to my son, who let me remind you all have the same father, we went through a lot of arguements when mil always looked after dsk's but never offered to have our son, she rings the ex regularly to ask how she is but hasn't rang us in years.

I have always stepped aside and let dh deal with it but it all came to a head about 18 months ago and dh stopped going round to his parents and they haven't seen our son in just as long, they don't even know I'm pregnant with our second child and they will never be invited to our house ever again unless they decide to make a huge effort in seeing our son.

The IL's still see the stepkids regularly and talk to ex regularly, which I don't resent b'cos stepkids and children too and just b'cos they don't see our son, we would never stop them seeing the other 2. Plus its completely up to the mother, when it comes to situations like this the father never has a say in things, but then if he did it would only be the kids hurting and we would never want that.

Anyway to get back on track, I have a lot of sympathy for you, it's very hard to have to give your life for your stepkids but then not have a say in anything. I don't want to turn everything into a doom and gloom but don't be surprised if they don't even bother with the child you're pregnant with now, when our son was born 4 years ago we always had to do the running around for them to see him but when we put a stop to it and said 'you make the effort' thats when all contact stopped and they haven't seen him since.

If your IL's want to see the child you are pregnant with now then they have to understand that your dd's come with the package and they should never treat them differently, the same as you do not treat your dsd differently.

As for the sil, it really isn't worth it hun, she sounds like she just wants to get the boot in, it's taken me 6 years to deal with this whole situation but I'm at a stage now where it really doesn't bother me anymore and I can let it all go over my head.

I really hope you and your dh get some closure on this whole situation, as no matter how stressful it is for you, times that by a hundred fold for your hubby.

Big hugs xx

Alwaysthemummy, thanks xxxx. I cans see it getting to the stage when we don't see them, like you say about your IL, they need to make teh effort, I am always inviting them for dinner etc but we have never been invited there except at Christmas. I won't allow my dd's to be sidelined and if that is happening then they won't see the child I'm pregnant with now. I'm so sorry that you've had such an awful situation to deal with but it is always good to know that you're not alone and people experience the same things! I'm lucky that dh and I agree on most things and he feels his parents should treat my dds equally. Take care.

I must say that I did not find dh's sister to be terribly friendly when we first met (she and me). But she had known and been close friends with his ex for about 10 years. Since ds was born, she is much friendlier and she positively dotes on him, but I think it is also because she can see that I'm around for the duration.

I hope that your baby will improve things. It could go either way. My uncle received very similar treatment to Alwaysthemummy from my grandparents when he left his first wife for his second wife.

Hi Mary Rose, it has been difficult to deal with and as a result, dh and I are stronger as a couple, there were times when he thought I would leave as I was very stressed out but I love him and would never let them come between us.

Maybe the reason I find it easier now is that hubby told me that when he and ex were together his family disliked her too, even when they split up they said there was something wrong with her, their split was a mutual agreement while she was pregnant with their son, but he was still at the hospital for his birth and he's always been a hands on dad, they started taking her side of things when we got together, so maybe it was something I did or said but who knows. I could write a book about the things they have said to him and how they treat the other two better than our son, but I always put my adult head on and remind us that our son has both his parents with him every day and I can bet that the other 2 would give everything to have their dad live with them. Being reasonable about the situation helps me deal with it.

I will never forgive the IL's for how they have treated my son in his short life but if they rang up today and apologised for their behaviour and made more of an effort with him then I would be a happy bunny, you can't have too many people who love your child. But as it stands I am the mother and I wont force my child on people who don't care, he's better off without them. Sometimes you have to make decisons in the best interest of your child. xx

Hope i haven't got confused but when me and stbxh split I offered my inlaws chance to see our dd in addition to contact time she was having with her dad, so they wouldn't have to fit in with his work schedule and so he and dd could spend time alone together without pressure of having to include grandparents. My STBX MIL (thank god) told me she only wanted to see dd with her son and only wanted to hear about her from him too, didn't want to have owt to do with me, even if it meant hardly seeing daughter, who was tiny baby when I left him. I think they just want to weild a bit of control over family life in general, they all sound very childish.
If you can avoid going to court, please do, it is a truly awful situation to be in

You sound like a thoroughly reasonable person mrsmcv, if only dh's husband was like that this wouldn't have happened. Though the in laws are so determined to have their way I think we might of fallen out anyway.
FioFio, thanks for advice, I wish that I think that would work but we've been down this road ovet the past 2 years trying to be erasonalble with his ex to no avail, she doesn't really care if she hurts her daughter if it means she can get at him.

when i said, not my family, i mean't ex and her problems, obviously I married husband with a child but didn't think I would spent the next 7 years in battle with my dh ex girlfriend and parents over it. Thats why I just leave them to it now because I have been told BY dh ex that its nothing to do with me and she is right, I cannot be arsed anymore

Is your dh's ex certifiable? Ours is. She refused to get her daughter from our house the other nigt until we had shut the door so she didn't see us, leaving an 8 year old alone on the street! (our area is dodgy at the best of times)

grandparents seem ot have this thing about the children left in broken relationships. I can understand that its a shame when parentssplit up but it doesnt mean the next partner OR children should be ostracised ( if thats how its spelt) because of it. What happened in a previous relationship is past its not the new partners fault. Contact should be regular and positive between parent and child and grandparents and child 'if the child wants it!'and not dictated by anyone

Oh yes she has been living off the back of the state and us for the lst 9 years, she hasn't worked a single day, when we tell her get off her as and get a job she says
" I feel justified in living off benefits in this country because of the help Australia gave to Englnd in the war!" (She is Australian) how crazy is that! she wasnt even alive! lol

LOL Love the Australia comment. Ours asked for £4 for a school trip - we gave her £2 as a gesture (dh pays over the odds in maintenance) she called up crying poverty and said dsd wouldn't be able to go, the next day she had a new 3 piece suite delivered!

yes she went mad at us because we wet to euro disney 2 years ago and spain a few weeks ago and "poor ss will grow up and as why we never took him anywhere and he never ot to go on holidays like his little half sister" err, we paid Lots of maintenance for years and then gave her lumnp sum of £20,000 (for ss) to invest ans save for his education etc when we sold house three years ago and she blew the lot, oh and she and poor ss went to Australia and LA with some of it!

Bloody hell! Sounds even worse than ours. We got grief for spending money to go on honeymoon.

we dont pay anymore because csa says we don't earn enough after full time childcare for our litle girl etc so she is always moaning but even when we were paying £200 a month before daugter was born she never got it anyway because they took it in kind for all the benefits she is on

Ours went mental when we knocked off the amount the csa allows you to for having my 2 dds live with us - went on about the fact that he was paying for children who aren't his flesh and blood. Despite the fact that dh paid for ex's daughter by another man for 14 years and the real father never gave a penny!

oh we could go on all night couldn't we.
when is your baby due

7th Jan, only 17 weeks but feel HUGE already!

well, you have quite a wait yet then, it will be really nice to have a child thats both of yours. give you someting else to focus on together. what a nightmare being in the 2nd time around marriages is, my dh wasnt even married. how old are you?

30, dh is 39, married my ex when I was 22, big mistake! Marriage started to break down several years ago then met dh again, who I've known since I was 14, 2 years ago, that was it, I left my ex, he left his.. We used to go out years ago actually, then I moved away.

Have only read OP but in my view the parents right to time with the children come so far in front of the grandparents time it is no contest.
I would think very carefully about letting your in laws see the newbaby if they are going to be so bitchy about your step daughter.

I see, I am 32, never married before and no other children, have found this whole thing very hard, normally my partnersex's have just been ex's and never seen or heard about them really but in this situation becaue they had a kid its like dh has two wives and she is never far away from the conversations, I hate it

Thanks kimi,I agree. chocolatemummy, it is hard, I've even commented to dh that sometimes it feels like he's still married to her.

DH1 and I seperated last year and I have a new DP.
DP has no children and I will NOT be having any with him.
I have 2 children with DH1, they are our children and the time they spend with DH1 and I is paramount, my mother loves them to bits and DH1s mothers does 2, however I would NEVER take time away from DH1 and give it to my/his mother, and never to DPs family.
Parents and parents and that is that.