He said he doesn't like one of my children.

[gerbilfun]

So last night me and dp were having a heart to heart because we're going through a bit of a rough patch. And he admitted that he doesn't like one of my kids and I don't know how I feel about it.
Back story.

We've been together 8 years. I have 3 teenagers from a previous relationship. Kids are 14,16,17.

We have two kids together 5 and 2.

Last summer my 14 year old got in contact with her father that she hadn't seen for 8 years. He came round being abusive and threatened to slash dp throat. It really terrified dp and he went to stay with a friend for a couple of days. Since then he has been very off and different with dd. She still speaks to her dad on the phone but hasn't seen him an awful lot because he's a selfish wanker and isn't consistent.

Last night dp admitted that he doesn't feel the same about dd and he almost resents her because he's always got to watch his back and dreads coming home in case ex dp is here. (In the 12 months since this happened ex dp has been here once) he said he still loves them all the same but he just can't have the same connection with her that he does with the older two.
I don't know how I should feel about this. He doesn't leave her out of anything and he still provides for her ( which he's done from day one) but he just doesn't really have anything to do with her. It's kind of hurt me tbh. He blames her for ruining are family unit that we had.
Not sure really why I've started this thread but I needed to put it somewhere and hopefully someone can tell me things will work out fine.

Well then you take her phone?

Block him across all contacts and set up a guardian app so she can’t add anyone without you seeing, no?

A bit extreme for a 14 year old under normal circumstances but this isn’t a normal circumstance and she obviously can’t trusted to make safe decisions for herself and for the rest of your family!

My 2nd H said same about my DD - I got rid of him so speedily he was shocked. My DD was aware of his dislike and was sad. I sat down and apologised to her for not seeing signs sooner. As soon as he voiced his dislike I was repelled. I also took it as an insult to me, as well as DD. No man is worth upsetting my child in this way for and I don't care who he is. Your man is no good, and you need to show your DD she matters. & She's not to blame for her dad's behaviour either

@PerspicaciaTick yep that's exactly how it is. He feels like hid he distances hisself from her than she can't report anything bad about him to her dad.

About 4 years ago he was in prison and was calling my eldest from a secret phone. She too wanted to have a relationship with him but I stopped her. Changed her number and bribed her with the latest phone if she stopped all contact with him and his family. It worked and as she got older she realised what an awful person he was and doesn't want to know him. I think this might happen with the 14 year old when she gets a bit older. She'll realise what a pig he is. Wishful thinking 🤞🏼

@IvanaPee I can't he'll be round here in a shot. It's really not worth the hassle.

Is your ex likely to show up again? Can you arrange visitation for your DD as long as he never comes to the house?

I'd stop trying to stop the relationship and allow it to happen as long as it's away from all of you. I would have done that when she started speaking to his family. That's the problem really.

If he really doesn't want her, he wants to control you all then I'd consider moving again and using a family member as a mediator for contact.

I think you need support from outside agencies. zweifler1 is right, he now has total control over your household.

If you can’t phone the police could you contact social services or even women’s aid?

You need help, OP. You really do.

I am seeing no reason why you are not involving the police.

You also definately need a non molestation order. Op

I am seeing no reason why you are not involving the police

He's a violent gangster.

I don't blame your DP for how he feels one bit.

Your DDs actions brought a whole lot of danger to your door.

I don't know what kind of man insults his DC as he does your older two. What a very nasty piece of work he is.

@zweifler1 and @OP

Just to clarify that I had not seen the parts about the gangster connections etc. when I first wrote and posted my contribution (you may have gathered it took a while to write!)

I can see that this really complicates the situation, particularly if the police are not willing or able to take what I would consider to be robust, reasonable steps to actively protect you all effectively against the crimes you have described here (which is a whole other topic in itself).

I wish I had definitive answers as to what social services would say or do in your particular situation (I agree it's worth finding out), whether you actually have any legal or practical power to prevent your DD seeing her dad (I suspect possibly not the latter given her age and that she may defy any ban you put in place anyway) or what protective steps you can take for your family, but I don't.

I still tend to think a talk with your DD is the second port of call (after social services/other experienced organisations), as I think @zweifler1 has also said, though perhaps on stronger terms than I originally set out. You need to understand what she is thinking as I have a horrible feeling that simply laying down the law re her relationship with her father might not have the effect you're (completely reasonably) after.

So sorry you and your family are going through this and I really hope you get some good, professional advice from people with proper experience and find a way through this as a family.

I find your DP to be a remarkable person, actually. After all this, (not just the traumatic threat on the day, but the ongoing problems also) a lesser man would be running. He's not shown any anger or frustration, and has only just calmly admitted these underlying feelings to you

Sorry to post this again, but there were so many phone typos and false autocorrects in the original, it didn't even make sense!

I was ready to say your DP was being unreasonable until your further updates. Now I am firmly in the actually feeling quite sorry for him camp!

I imagine he's distanced himself from your DD out of fear and I can't blame him.

Yes your DD is a child but she's also old enough at 14 to know her father's behaviour is not okay. As for the messages left to your older children, that is absolutely disgusting.

Honestly I don't know what the answer is but I'd be less concerned about my DP distancing himself from an obviously dangerous situation and more concerned with my DD becoming trapped in this man's life/family.

I think with your DP you need to reassure him that you are doing everything to stop contact and to keep everyone safe.
Tell him if he's not home and x turns up you will text him to warn him. If he turns up tell DP it's ok to "pop out" without making a big deal of it.
He sound lovely, I would get him counselling ( does his work place offer this many company's do)
At the end of the day he's frightened, which is awful. I don't think he doesn't like his stepdaughter he just doesn't like what she accidentally has caused.

I think the positive is that your dp still does everything that he always did with your dd. You cant force feelings and if your dp has genuinely been frightened by your dd's father, then you have to understand that his feelings can change. I know it might not sound fair, but an adults behaviour can change how a step parent feels about their stepchild. I had a great relationship with my ss and made a lot of effort in my role. Then my dp didnt like my parenting, and made it clear, in front of my ss. This hurt and caused serious issues (I wont go into what, as this isn't my post) and since then, I just dont look at my role or relationship with my ss the same. Although I do everything I always did before. I'd say be content that he loves her and still does the things that he always did. Not everything can be perfect.

Honestly op it sounds like you blame DD too but it doesn't sound like you are prepared to get her any help at all. Agree with PP that family therapy is needed. Remember he's her dad because of choices YOU made.

I think WMPAGL had some good advice.

I've seen a 14 year old girl - who witnessed her mother being violently raped by her abusive ex - ( and had spent the night watching her sleep) after breaking into her new house when she was 10 - she gave him the address), beat her mother senseless on another occasion, tell tales on what Mum was doing and give away two additional alternate addresses the family moved to including a refuge.

At 14 she choose to move back to live with her father, and then spent the next six years bullying her younger siblings to visit the dad, piled on the guilt , and harassed them constantly with texts asking for more information about where they lived now etc etc. Her court testimony( she lied her ass off) resulted in access being granted to the younger two.
It's taken her 10 years , and a miserable life with her Dad to finallly wise up and move away - but not without doing everything she could to besmirch her mother and siblings in the meantime. She does still see her Dad, she just can't live with him due to his anger at her for failing to get the other two children to live with him.

All contact finally ended after the ex beat up her 12 year old DS while on an access visit, ignored the medication the younger DD needed for a clotting disorder (after an injury that occurred with ex) equalling a hospital stay, and he had stalked the younger children relentlessly demanding they return to him as well. One now has massive anxiety issues and losses her shit whenever the father and his family are mentioned. She will not see her sister.

Yet big sister still blames her mother for the marriage break up and her remarriage to a fantastic man, and never visits or admits she was wrong or caused serious harm. My friend has had to let her go.

Strong parameters need to be kept, your DH is right to feel the way he does, and you may need to seek court orders to protect the privacy of the rest of your family.

I don't care that she's only 14. Her lack of thought and selfishness are putting your family at risk. Therapy should definitely be on the table.As should court and the police.

Have you taken your DD to see a psychologist? Is the school aware of this?

You don’t want to hurt her feelings? I think it’s time to tell her the truths you said on here about her father. Why are you not tackling her selfishness - she wants to be in contact with him to get things? That would get a short answer from me on its own, never mind the whole resevoir of shit she opened for your family (and herself).

Maybe your daughter took after her father.