He said he doesn't like one of my children.

[gerbilfun]

So last night me and dp were having a heart to heart because we're going through a bit of a rough patch. And he admitted that he doesn't like one of my kids and I don't know how I feel about it.
Back story.

We've been together 8 years. I have 3 teenagers from a previous relationship. Kids are 14,16,17.

We have two kids together 5 and 2.

Last summer my 14 year old got in contact with her father that she hadn't seen for 8 years. He came round being abusive and threatened to slash dp throat. It really terrified dp and he went to stay with a friend for a couple of days. Since then he has been very off and different with dd. She still speaks to her dad on the phone but hasn't seen him an awful lot because he's a selfish wanker and isn't consistent.

Last night dp admitted that he doesn't feel the same about dd and he almost resents her because he's always got to watch his back and dreads coming home in case ex dp is here. (In the 12 months since this happened ex dp has been here once) he said he still loves them all the same but he just can't have the same connection with her that he does with the older two.
I don't know how I should feel about this. He doesn't leave her out of anything and he still provides for her ( which he's done from day one) but he just doesn't really have anything to do with her. It's kind of hurt me tbh. He blames her for ruining are family unit that we had.
Not sure really why I've started this thread but I needed to put it somewhere and hopefully someone can tell me things will work out fine.

" The older two want nothing to do with him and he isn't satisfied with that. He's sending my eldest daughter awful messages about her looks and saying she's a whore. My son was born with club feet and he's leaving voicemail messages to him calling him a cripple. "

This is dreadful ^^

@PinkCrayon awful isn't it. If she wants a relationship with him that's fine. But the other two shouldn't have to put up with this. He took her to Harrods for her birthday and let her choose a designer bag and scarf to make the others jealous. It didn't work and now he makes excuses about seeing her.

What has your daughter said about her Father’s behaviour? Does she realise that her Father is a bully and that he’s sending nasty messages to her siblings?

Obviously it’s not her fault, but it sounds as though she needs help to manage the relationship she has with her Father.

OP do you also blame her for this because it sounds as if you do that she opened a door

Look she was 13 and wanting to find out information about her father that is normal after all he is part of her - given the time you have been with your partner she was young when you left and doesnt have the bad memories attached

How much did you tell her, how much did she know. At the moment she seems to be punished for wanting to know her father. Because the fact that he is awful is not her fault

There are two strands to this
the first is maybe utlising some resources that adoption services use when children want to find their birth parents and understanding that need because that is what is driving your DD (or at least was) and helping repair that
secondly is dealing with the aftermath of it and helping your partner deal with it

Sounds like the ex scared him and he has struggled to process it, not that he doesn’t like your DD but he associates her with something that really frightened him.

I think this is spot on.

I went through something similar about ten years ago. I experienced a trauma and my DSD was inadvertently the catalyst for it. Even though it wasn’t her fault, I associated her with the trauma for years. It affected how I felt about her and took me years in therapy to unpick everything and put it all back together.

It sounds as though there is also an element of him feeling massively betrayed. People think that being a step parent is something you ought to be able to just slip right into. I’m reality it takes a huge amount of courage to open yourself up to love a child that isn’t yours. Your secret fear as a step
parent is always that one day your step child will day or do something, explicitly or implicitly, that proves you’re not actually that important to them and throw all your love and effort back in your face. His worst fear has been realised. He’s only human. He’s not a saint. He won’t be able to just brush it off and rise above it - not at first anyway. And not while it’s all still raw and rumbling on.

You asked him to be honest with you and he has been. That’s fair enough. It sounds like your DD has brought a whole fuckload of trouble to your family. Your ex sounds like a dangerous prick and he’s actually the problem. If he’s being abusive to your children you need to sort that out as a priority - get him away from your family and protect your children from him. Rather than come on here and let posters give your lovely DP a kicking because he’s traumatised and had the guts to be honest with you.

It sounds like your DD has brought a whole fuckload of trouble to your family.

I disagree with this she hasnt, she has wanted to see her biological father which is a perfectly normal desire and need at that age to find out who you are.

This needs to be separated out from the fact that he is a dangerous and horrible man because that is not her fault

He might be hurt that after he spent the last 8 years providing for her and loving her as his own that she would still want to have contact with a man that threatened to kill him.

Either way it sounds difficult. Hope you're all ok.

I didn’t say it was her fault but the net effect is the same.

I didn't come on here for people to give him a kicking? I wanted some advice on how to handle this.

I've always been honest with my kids and when they've asked I've told them. They no he was physically abusive to me. They know he only wanted sons and no daughters. They know he raped me.

Dd says she's only talking to him to get what she can out of him ie gift/money. She doesn't get on with her older sibling and they've always been thick as thieves and left her out. Me and dp have never left her out and have treat them all fairly but I honestly do think she's done all this for attention. He has other kids that she's gotten really close too so maybe she's drawn to them because she's a novelty, a sister that they never had (five boys) and maybe she just likes the attention.

OP what do you think about your DD because a lot of this and the blame and the she only with him for the money is coming from you

I'm on your DPs side on this one. Your 14 year old is being very selfish. I would not pretend that her actions have no impact. I would, jointly with DP, spell it out to her.

Also she is to NEVER invite her father to your home again.

The way you talk and evidently think about your DD is awful.

I'm with DP. He's had huge trauma. I can't imagine what it would be like for someone to turn up at my home and place of comfort and threaten to slash my throat. His "kingdom" for lack of a better word has been tarnished and is no longer a place associated with a happy family.

Your DD should not even be allowed to see him after this- was there police/social services involved??? I can see it looks like massive disloyalty to DP and that he's struggling to see why she would want to spend time with him given what he's done.

Whackitupto200 bang on.

He's talked to you about it. You've inferred he doesn’t like DD even though he didn't say that and, as far as DD is aware, nothing has changed in the way he treats her.

It's time to get tough here - the number change hasn't worked so read up on harassment and get the police involved.

You can't stop DD seeing him, but you can keep him away from your home and the other kids.

I didn’t say it was her fault but the net effect is the same

Eh? .

The way you talk and evidently think about your DD is awful.

Sorry meant to highlight this comment.

No wonder your DP is wary of her. MST people would feel the same way.

I agree. Your DD isn’t coming off great here. But she’s still only a child. He’s playing her like a violin and people are getting hurt. She needs protecting from your ex.

The only person he has to blame is you, why are you letting your 14 year old have contact with a person who threatens to "slash his throat" why did no one ring the police?

@Whackitupto200 I've tried stopping her from talking/seeing him but he's threatened to come round if I take her phone off her. He said that if he can't get of hold of her he will just turn up.

@gerbilfun LET HIM TURN UP! Ring the police, she is a child and your letting her & him rule your life !!

Get cameras put up and baseball bat I bloody would 🤦🏻‍♀️

@HJWT it's not that simple. I've posted about him under a different un in the past. He's a gangster and drug dealer if I call the police he will have us all. I have children to protect. My kids are teens they go out. I can't have bad things happen to them when their out.

Jesus Christ OP. You can’t all live like this. You’re being terrorised by a psychopath.

Surely the police can help? You need to get this man out of your lives.

I really feel for your husband OP but there are some very nasty comments about your daughter on here. She has not caused trouble or been disloyal, she is a teen who wanted to see her biological father, there is nothing wrong with this at all.

Your husband needs more support, try and get him to return to the GP so he can get some counselling. He may even be able to refer himself (you can where I live). The fault here is with you Ex, and you bought him into their lives but his behaviour isn't your fault any more than it is your daughters, it's his own.

OP my heart goes out to you, your DP and your DD. What a horrible situation all round.

Fair warning, this is going to be a really long post focused mainly on your DD as I think you've had good advice about your DP in particular.

Your 14 year old really can't be blamed for being curious about and wanting to know her father and half siblings. She's at such an in between age that I expect she thinks she grasps the adult issues in play but really has very, very little idea.

Your poor DP, as many have suggested probably feels upset and hurt about your DD feeling the need for 'another' father after he's essentially raised her as his own in a way that would be very normal in the best of situationt (however much the obligation would absolutely be on him to disguise that in the best interests of your DD). Those feelings must be compounded by a real sense of betrayal that, as he must feel it (even if he can try to reason himself out of it), your DD doesn't even care about him enough to be horrified that a person she's brought back into your lives has threatened her stepfather's life to the point he had to move out of the family home. Though that's not in fact how your DD is seeing it, I'm sure.

What a tribute to your and DP's relationship that he feels he can be so open with you about something so difficult (and without being confrontational about it by the sound of it). Don't underestimate how precious that is, OP, even when he's saying things you really wish weren't true - it's a sign of a great, trusting partnership.

In terms of practicalities, all I can suggest is having a really calm, "I'm-treating-you-like-a-grown-up" chat with your DD about her contact with her father and the impact on the rest of the family (NOT mentioning your DP's current feelings towards her - she needs a sense of stability and the contrast of a good, constant father figure in her life loving her unconditionally). For my money it would go something like:

1. EXH is your father and I feel it would be wrong and pointless of me to try to prevent you having a relationship with him and I won't do that.

1. You have the facts about what happened while he and I were together - I will never try to guilt you about that, but I need to mention it so you understand where I'm coming from, even if your experience of him is completely different (and I hope it is).

1. With that in mind, there have to be some ground rules about what your contact with him means for the rest of the family:

1. He is not welcome at our house and you may not invite our bring him here. This is because he had threatened our physical safety more than once. Even if you think he's not serious in his threats, it is a police matter and makes us feel unsafe so we would have to take formal steps to protect the rest of the family as a precaution. We don't want to have to do that because I know it would make your relationship with him very awkward and we don't want to put you in that position. Keeping him separate as far as possible is the best way to avoid that.

1. You can't give him your siblings' numbers if they don't want you to. In the same way it's your choice to be in touch with him, you have to respect their choice not to be. I expect they will change their numbers or block him following the latest but that is a general rule for all types of contact details. We can talk about practical ways of avoiding giving their details if you feel pressured into doing so.

1. I (and all of us) love you very much, worry about you and want to find a solution we can all live with. If you are ever, ever worried about anything to do with your dad or his behaviour, or feel trapped or unsafe, I promise that you can talk to me about it and I will never, ever say "I told you so" or do anything but take a deep breath and try my best to help you.

1. Think it over and let me know if you want to talk about this more. Let's go out and do something fun with your stepdad.