He said he doesn't like one of my children.

[gerbilfun]

So last night me and dp were having a heart to heart because we're going through a bit of a rough patch. And he admitted that he doesn't like one of my kids and I don't know how I feel about it.
Back story.

We've been together 8 years. I have 3 teenagers from a previous relationship. Kids are 14,16,17.

We have two kids together 5 and 2.

Last summer my 14 year old got in contact with her father that she hadn't seen for 8 years. He came round being abusive and threatened to slash dp throat. It really terrified dp and he went to stay with a friend for a couple of days. Since then he has been very off and different with dd. She still speaks to her dad on the phone but hasn't seen him an awful lot because he's a selfish wanker and isn't consistent.

Last night dp admitted that he doesn't feel the same about dd and he almost resents her because he's always got to watch his back and dreads coming home in case ex dp is here. (In the 12 months since this happened ex dp has been here once) he said he still loves them all the same but he just can't have the same connection with her that he does with the older two.
I don't know how I should feel about this. He doesn't leave her out of anything and he still provides for her ( which he's done from day one) but he just doesn't really have anything to do with her. It's kind of hurt me tbh. He blames her for ruining are family unit that we had.
Not sure really why I've started this thread but I needed to put it somewhere and hopefully someone can tell me things will work out fine.

He blames her for ruining are family unit that we had : no. It's Bio-dad's actions you need to focus on. It's perfectly natural for a 14 y/o to want to contact their Bio-dad. (out of interest, who contacted who?). Unfortunately, Bio-dad is not a nice person- and probably bullied your daughter into finding out where you live etc.

I don’t think your dp sounds like he dislikes your dd, he still provides and treats her the same. However he was threatened, has someone he knows is dangerous threatening his family and subconsciously he may link that to your dd because she was the one who bought your ex back into the family home.

Would counselling be a option? While I don’t think your dd has done anything wrong in wanting to know her father, I do think it needs to be clear to her that just because she wants a relationship with this man, does not mean anyone else does. If she gives her siblings numbers to him, then they are changed and she is not given the new numbers. They have a right to be protected too.

@Whackitupto200 I'd just wish he'd die tbh. I know that sounds harsh but it's the only way.

@DumbledoresCrookedNose she contacted him. And I know this is going to sound extremely harsh but it's the truth. She's his least favourite. In his culture the first son and daughter are named after grandparents and then each child after has to have a family name ie sister, brother, aunt, uncle ect. He left me 7 months pregnant and I refused to name her what he wanted so she got something unique. He told me when she was born that she wasn't part of his family and he didn't want her. He's using her to get to the others but she won't have it. I haven't told her all of this because it's not nice and I wouldn't want to hurt her.

Thank you @WMPAGL I think I'm going to have to chat to her. It's the only way to move forward.

Because of your updates. I honestly would move away, change all your numbers again, and get rid of social media accounts.

Jesus this is fucked up.

Your dp feeling a bit distant is the very, very least of your problems.

I actually don’t know where to start with all of this...

Your daughter needs counselling. She will start on a track where she will accept crumbs from any man who shows her attention.

Get her help.

Also I think that he's shocked at meeting your ex and how he behaved. He's probably worried that your daughter brought trouble to the home and might do again and again. This isn't a normal ex but a criminal gangster who isn't afraid of using violence. I kind of understand where he's coming from to be honest.

I find your DP to be a remarkable person, actually. After all this, but just the traumatic threat in the day, but the ongoing problems would send a lesser man running. He's not shown any anger or frustration, and has only admire these underlying feelings to you.

Initially I thought that of course the daughter should feel able to contact her father. But she didn't just did that. She went against all she was told and all she was asked, and then didn't respect everyone's privacy and safety. Yes she's only 14 and a daft teenager, but still. She's responsible for her actions, and no-one has really pulled her up on this and spelled out the danger that everyone is now in.

I have no idea what the answer is, but certainly DP needs and deserves some counselling. Maybe DD needs it too.

But= not

Given what you have written can’t you understand the desire she has to please him to make him love her
She did not ask for this or for him to be her Dad op this isn’t some boyfriend she chose this is her Dad you chose

I have to be brutally honest; if DP was my friend or family member I’d have urged him to get out of that situation.

I think you need to give him some credit.

I'm not even sure she realises the impact she's done.

Please don't blame your dd, she might be a teenager, but she's still a little girl who's bio df is an abusive twat and now her sd is distancing himself. She will notice regardless of what you see. Add that to the fact that her older siblings are close and leave her out, she'll be feeling very isolated.

Her siblings leaving her out may well be a reason she reached out to her bio df. You dh needs to understand this too. Maybe they could both go to counciling, albeit separately.

I find your DP to be a remarkable person, actually. After all this, but just the traumatic threat in the day, but the ongoing problems would send a lesser man running. He's not shown any anger or frustration, and has only admire these underlying feelings to you.

He is a good man and I expected him to walk after this.

I've never hidden from him the kind of man ex dp is. I've told him the truth from day one. At the start of our relationship when we were dating ex dp was on a tv documentary and I told him to watch it ( I didn't but I wanted dp to get a glimpse into what he'd be dealing with if they ever came into contact) and after watching it he still wanted to be with me. I said after the incident last year that if he wanted to walk I would understand but he said "no we're a team" even after our chat last night I asked again if he'd be happier moving out and he said " nope I love you and the kids and moving out wouldn't make me happier" I have to give him credit. He's an absolute diamond.

You were part of an abusive relationship so should understand the power an abuser holds over their victim. She is a victim of ber dads abuse.

You're expecting your 14 year old DD to deal with something grown adults struggle with and then seem to be blaming her when she doesnt do the right thing.

She is the child and needs protecting. Involve the police.

I have a different take on this. It sounds like you have never hidden the abusive nature of your relationship with your ex from the kids. Your DD chose to contact him anyway and not only that she also showed him where you all live. Not sure about anyone else but I would really expect more from a 14 yo than that. I think you need to be honest with her - her actions did cause this - and find out the reasons why she did that. It sounds to be as if she’s trying to get back at you and your family over something (or is unhappy in some way).

OP

I registered to say I disagree with WMPAGL's advice. I had a friend in a similar situation- not the gangster stuff but a crazily abusive ex she'd had to run from. Her son contacted him when he was a teenager and initiated contact. The son almost had a form of stockholm syndrome where he craved his dad's approval but also sort of blamed his mom as the victim. He would invite his dad round to the house and constantly try to make her speak to the dad. This was a man she'd fled to a refuge to avoid killing her. Her ex enjoyed the power he had (he didn't even need to hit her) and it was killing her. This went on for years.

Her son knew that he had the ultimate trump card and it destroyed her parental authority in the house. She had to let her son do whatever he wanted or his dad would be round. It was bad for her but terrible for her son.

The thing is: parenting is not just about protecting children from other people, it's about protecting them from themselves. I don't leave my 5 year old with the baby not because he might accidentally kill her but he also might do it intentionally! Because at 5 he can't understand what that means. Your daughter is seriously hurting the entire house. She's putting her siblings and you into REAL DANGER. Letting her do it because "she has a right to know her dad" is actually hurting her badly. Her siblings will not want to know her. She'll lose your DP. Protecting her means putting some boundaries in place.

The thing is my friend also begged her son to do the right thing just like MWPAGL is telling you to but all that did was reinforce that she had no power and that his dad was the boss. What are you going to do in a few years when any decision your DD doesn't agree on, she's straight to her dad? When she fights with your DP and she hints to her dad that he's a threat. Your ex is going to be very happy to come beat the shit out of your DP. This is GOING TO HAPPEN. This man is going to run your entire household. God forbid there's a false abuse allegation.

You need to reestablish that you are the parent (and have the ability to keep her safe) but also that there have to be consequences. I would choose either punishment or natural consequences but either way stop shielding your daughter from the consequences of her actions.

• Explain the new rules to your DD. No coming to the house etc.
• Explain why - the horrible emails sent. the threats.
• Call social services asap. Not the police but SS. Get a referral for therapy for your DD but also for your other children.
• Get the house locked up. CCTV and double locks. Practice the new procedures with the children. I'd explain why we are getting the new security system and explain how much it cost. No more X because of it.
• Explain that in the long run you'd have to go to the police or move house. Stress the moving part if your DD loves her current school or area.
• Are you willing to let her live with her dad? If you are, let her ask. It sounds cruel but children NEED boundaries. They need to feel safe. You allowing this man to destroy your home leaves her with nothing.

Stop shielding her from the impact of her actions. If your ex comes over and beats your DP up - or god forbid one of her siblings - and he leaves you - the resentment everyone will feel towards your DD plus her guilt will be more damaging than pulling her up on it now.

oh and there's another thread on mumsnet right now where a DD is making false allegations at the behest of an abusive father so don't think that can't happen. Your ex sounds like the kind of guy who'd love to label your DP a "nonce" and near kill him tbh. And if you finally went to the police over it, they'd probably believe your ex's allegations because a psycho gangster is exactly the kind of guy who believes in vigilante violence against pedos. Everyone (including the papers if they got involved) would believe your ex.

Your DD is also involved though in an abusive relationship with her father as well and is desperate to seek and feel his approval

Have you done enough to safeguard your children against their father @gerbilfun?

Because he really doesn’t sound like someone they should have anything to do with!

@IvanaPee the older two don't have anything to do with him. It's just the 14 year old. And she's seen him 4 times since August.

Jesus.

It’s his home. He shouldn’t have to worry about this man being there when he comes home. Why haven’t you barred your ex, said you will call the police if he comes again and explained to your Dd that whilst she is welcome to talk to him he cannot be in your / her home.

Your DH is in a really really difficult position . He can’t/ won’t want to bar his step Dd from seeing her Dad but the contact means he potentially comes into contact with a man who made an incredibly violent threat.

He doesn’t dislike your Dd, he can’t cope with the situation your Dd’s contact with her Dad has put him in.

You need to find a way to support him while not making your Dd feel bad. But if an ex of my DH’s came into my home and threatened to slit my throat, and DH didn’t bar them forever / call the police I would feel compromised at best and my relationship would suffer.

But how/why has she been able to get in touch with him?

What I mean is if he’s such a dangerous gangster, why weren’t steps taken to make it impossible for him to get to her?

Sorry I missed a couple of posts.

You need to talk plainly to your Dd, possibly in family therapy.

@TheRedBarrows I've already explained below why I can't involve police.

@IvanaPee snapchat. He has about 10 nieces and nephews. One of the people was her half brother. They talked for a while and she asked to speak to her dad. He gave her the number and the rest is history.

So, from your DP's point of view, anything he says to your DD, anything he does, it could all be fed straight back to the man who threatened to kill him. She has put herself at risk, her siblings, you and your DP and yet she continues to speak to her father, passing along information he uses to continue the abuse?
I can see why he is struggling to come to terms with it all, especially when he is suffering from depression.