Need a Rant.

[Hopeless25]

It never ends!!! Im the step mum to 3 children from partners 2 previous relationships. SS 14 has been the victim of parental alienation his whole life and just when things started going well it seems it all went downhill. Parenting plan stipulates holiday visits for 1 week every holiday but my partner has started giving the option. The usual routine is 2-3 days off work for my partner and I pick up child care the rest of the week to which I always plan a different outing for SS and I to do. But then we hear him telling his mum how bored he is and how he doesn't do anything when here. Last holiday he took issue with the fact that when partner and I get married he will inherit cousins???? He hardly sees them when here anyway. Holiday before that he claimed I never fed him enough - Pantry stocked with things HE CHOSE!!! This holiday a msg gets sent to my partner insisting on a number of expensive activities with JUST HIM and DAD. A point that was reiterated about 4 times. Every holiday i make sure there are things for just him and my partner but also for us to do as a family. I wished him happy bday and got a shit response in return. No thank u just a thumbs up. He then sent another msg stating that he will only stay with us for the time that partner has off..... i Have no idea where the animosity comes from, we have never had an issue before. So needless to say I am irritated by the self entitlement and blatant disrespect. Not only from him but my partner as well....should I expect him to do something??? He is almost proud and smug about it and as happy as I am that his son wants to spend time with him i am SERIOUSLY pissed off that I am being painted the wicked step mum when I DO EVERY THING for all 3 of his kids when they are here. Advice please!!!! I cant help but feel angry with my partner but i don't know what he can do to make it better

Your oh is right that it's an age issue. He is 14 and will want familiarity. His bedroom, his habits, his friends.

Seeing his dad probably already seems like a chore, even though he probably enjoys it when there, let alone time with you who is close to a stranger to him.

It is totally understandable that he would only be interested in seeing his dad during that once a year contact.

At 14, he must feel quite dismay that the only time his dad got to spend with him he can only manage a couple of days.

Snapped. Read the rest of the msgs. Not 1 week a year. 1 week every 3 months as per mothers request. DP wants monthly visitation but mother wont allow it even if he travels to them. You arent reading the replies so please refrain from posting. Perhaps you have feelings you need to address in your situation to react so strongly here.

Hi Ducked 1 week every school holidays.:-)

The kid comes from a way away, 1week every 3 months, which amounts to 4 weeks in a year.
The Dad gets 4 weeks holiday.
The kid asks that the weeks he comes and stays with Dad are spent with Dad. Dad says: but that’ll be my whole annual leave. I’ve got other kids too, that the eldest does not want to see/spend time with.

If I were your H, I’ll take annual leave every time he comes. He’s 14, he won’t want to see his dad soon, he’ll be wanting to spend his hols with mates.

snapped OP said 1 week EVERY holiday. So that's 3 weeks at least, did you miss that?

I feel for you. Been in a very similar situation re SS and DH. SS doesn't want to come over anymore and says that he got bored with us, we didn't do enough over his weekends etc. but the reality was that we always planned something and asked him what he preferred doing and he was only ever interested in sitting in his room playing iPad... summer last year we offered him the option between 3 countries we could go to on holiday (one fully inclusive place, one visiting family and a normal beach holiday) only for him to tell his mom we had nothing planned, which was not true. It's just gone downhill.

(Although we used to have him every second weekend plus holidays)

Your SS is right to expect that. Your DP needs to plan for the financial hit.

Ridiculous. A joke, I imagine. a 14 year old doesn't get to rule an entire family. If he doesn't like the arrangements he can stay home. Stroppy little git. Entitled much?

Hi Stanski, I do think this situation is heading this way. It feels like he is forced to come and he resents it and I do feel he tries to push his boundaries to the extreme so that he can just say no he's not coming anymore. I know its fairy land thinking but I just want to get us to a place where its an enjoyable event for all of us and im not made to feel like an outsider. But with my oh not understanding where I am coming from and being too scared to rock the boat in case ss doesn't wany to come anymore. Its a very fine line to tread

@Hopeless25 sounds very tricky, as you say, a fine line to tread. I think SS14 deserves some time alone with his dad but I can see a whole week on his own every 3 months isn't going to work with the other children also needing dad time. I don't know how the court orders work - is DSS14 allowed to say he doesn't want to visit so often? Can your OH take half days off work would that help at all?

I know its fairy land thinking but I just want to get us to a place where its an enjoyable event for all of us and im not made to feel like an outsider
Have you considered that maybe he doesn't feel like he can be himself when you're around, because of you need to feel included?

It's all fair enough to not remove yourself completely, meals all together, some outings all together, but from what you say, the boy will have to be with you the majority of his stay when what he only cares for is spending time with his dad?

It must be hard for a child his age only seeing his dad once a quarter.

Ppl may say it's all he's ever known, but he'll have friends who have their dads in their life on a daily basis.

They take them to activities and watch them play sports etc... I'm not suprised he wants his dad to himself for the week, when I look at it from his POV.

You say your OH cant spend the whole week with him? Does that mean if he didn't have a relationship with you, he would tell his Ex he can't have him the whole week?

From your SSs POV, it's about his relationship and spending time with dad...not you.

If he doesn't want to come down when his dad is at work...so be it. Step back and let your OH deal with all the arrangements. Otherwise you'll end up very stressed from it all.

It doesn't sound like it causes your OH ant problems, so leave him to it.

And he sees his other 2 DC one weekend a month?

What was the mothers reason for restricting her sons relationship with his father like this? It better have been a humdinger because from what I can see, a lot of the blame for her sons obvious unhappiness can be laid at her door otherwise.

Ah what a spiteful lying little brat.

Attention seeking surely?? Weak parenting or molly cuddling??

sounds like the kid lies to get attention nothing that you are doing.

Is he self employed as the statutory minimum is 5.6 weeks?

perhaps Dss should hound his mother and insist on more regular contact with his dad?
He's certainly capable of speaking up and making his wants/demands known!

I'd just tell him straight that it's his mother's fault that he doesn't get to see his dad more.
I'd also tell him it's completely unacceptable to expect his dad to use all his annual leave on him.

Don't pander to him.

Thank you all for your input, I definitely think it is attention seeking. We have the DSS 10 and DSD 11 from the previous marriage with us the weekend and I have realised I need to take a step back from parenting DPs kids for a while. We try our bests to give them all the love, care and attention they crave when they are here but I have tried to set up basic boundaries, general toilet hygiene like making them wash their own undies if they havent cleaned their bums properly, DSD often messes poo on the floor and often comes here with lice and nits and hair that hasn't been brushed since the last time they came (so a month ago) and she has hair to the middle of her back. Today she piped up to me when I brushed her hair for her that its her body and she doesnt want to brush her hair or check for lice/nits and her mother says she doesnt have to. I am a teacher....so if I get lice so do a whole new school of kids essentially. This after spending a good hundred bucks on nice food and snacks just for her because she recently got out of hospital and hasnt been eating at her mums. I then took her shopping and bought her new shoes which she grabbed without a thanks and I got a sulky face all day. DP took her aside and discussed it with her and she apologised to me but at the end of the day if the discomfort is there I am obviously treading on toes so as much as I try to treat these kids as my own and display a family unit I am not their mother and as one member said DP chose me not them so I will now take a step back and see what happens. Sorry if this post offends anyone, just my own step parenting experience and I can't say I'm loving this role right now. As for DSS 14 he can enjoy the time with his dad, I will make myself scarce. at this point I am just fed up and sooo beyond tired, I don't have thick enough skin for this business apparently hahaha

Please don't tell me you make kids wash their own underwear and actually draw attention to them. That's awful. No mum would do that. That's totally humiliating for them. And let their dad check for nits.
With the 14 year old it's the nature of a lad of 14 to complain. That's just life living with a teen. Don't take it to heart as you will be knocked. It's good his dad gets to see all sides of him as if he was living with him he would be used to the " lm bored" mantra. Don't take it personally.
And a thumbs up reply is pretty standard for teens...sounds friendly to me.

Thanks Junebirthdaygirl, no I'm ok with skiddies but DSD 11 leaves pieces of poo in there and starts to smell and also in a washing machine....with other clothes .....well you can see where it leads. DSS 10 usually just doesnt go to the toilet. The mum also says she makes them rinse their undies but they go in the wash with linen nappies. I will definitely be leaving all that to the dad from now on though.

Wow, Hopeless. You sound like you’ve given your all in what are pretty impossible circumstances. One mother restricting contact to the extent it’s barely meaningful (14yo) and the other bordering on neglect. Not sure I could cope with that either.

FWIW the 14yo sounds pretty much like a standard teen who is playing his parents off against each other. Maybe he too feels like an outsider (you’ve got something in common there) and is trying to get the mum to restrict contact further?

With the younger children it never ceases to amaze me how many children struggle with toilet skills. And the nits. Am not sure what you do. Your DP needs to get a handle on all this, I would step back. I would also be re-thinking the marriage because you have so little power over all this. Good luck.

I would also add that if you have your own dc your strength of feeling on all this could multiply. This could further complicate things and usher is a whole new level of resentment into this dynamic. I just wouldn’t go there.

Wow I am actually so grateful to have this forum, the users might not always agree or understand but the support really is encouraging. I come from a nuclear family, my siblings all have nuclear families and here I come trying to juggle all the dynamics and literally just winging it. I feel like "my family" has come such a long way, from awesome co parenting with the youngest 2s mum to just really bonding with the kids but it seems to have all fallen to hell and I dont know why. I love my partner with all my heart but having "more" kids with him brings on a whole new element. I am just a bit heart sore and overwhelmed today. I suppose it comes with the territory

So a quick update...DSD just knocked on my bedroom door and came in and said she just wants to say Im the best step mum shes ever had hahaha (shes only had 1 but the thought was there hahaha) and she said she hasnt been appreciating it the last few months and she just wants to say i brighten up her day hahaha and she is thankful, it wasn't even THAAT rehearsed hahaha so I guess thats the meaning of kids hahaha ungrateful shits 1 minute and sweet ones the next.

So DSS is on his second step mum, has seen his two siblings have 10 yrs of family life which he never got and lives miles away so term time visitation looks like it would be difficult and he is a teenager and being difficult.

He has minimal and best connection with his Dad, who sees him properly may be 12 days per annum and we wonder why he is being a typical teenage arse with a bit of +++ added on.

And soon he is going to have baby siblings to throw into the mix, who will also have Dad at home and be the centre of attention.

this teenager was a mistake and has quite frankly been an after thought his fathers life. If he waned more contact then to quote Northern Spirit go to court and fight. Likewise, once per month for his other kids - truly pathetic levels of contact.

Am not blaming you OP - but the DF needs a kick up the arse on his parental responsibilities to all his children before he brings anymore children into the mix.

Self esteem and teenage issues - this is not his mothers, yours or his problem, it is the father who needs a boot up the backside.