Need serious advice please. Boyfriend doesn’t see his kids

[Mystar18]

Hi all, I need some advice.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both 31.

He has two girls, 8 and 10. He did not tell me about them in the beginning of our relationship, I actually found out on social media. It was a shock because I was already falling in love with him and don’t date fathers as I don’t have any children. Anyway, I told him he absolutely needed to speak about them more and I needed to meet them., to which he agreed

He did have visitation every second weekend at the beginning, but that stopped maybe 6 months into our relationship when he went through financial problems and was unable to pay support to them.

The ex is remarried and has another child, and he says that he was pushed out of the picture.

He does pay child support now I am told but hasn’t seen his girls in 2.5 years. This has been a CONSTANT and very sore fight between us as I’ve been confused as to why it has taken so long for him to get legal aid to see them.

I want to move on with my live, id like to get married and have a child of my own but emotionally I can’t do it when he doesn’t see or even mention his children and I’m struggling.

As I am told he was trying to talk with his ex, then was going to courts, and is now doing legal mediation. He never offers anything about them news wise, I have to dig every time.

I lost my mother and my best friend 4 weeks ago to cancer. Instead of wanting him close I am pushing him away. I’m just a mess. I’m not sure if I should stay in the relationship or end it because I have been asking for something for 3 years and haven’t gotten it. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long and why he never includes me.

He and I do love one another. Asides from this we do great but tbh it’s always on my mind now.

Your mum had him bang to rights, she sounds like she wanted the best for you and always had your back. It’s sad that she’s gone and you must be reeling and wanting to cling to the familiar, ie your relationship, but now you have to be the person that has your back and i know it’s hard and lonely. I read a quote by rob montgomery once “The people you love become ghosts inside of you, and like this you keep them alive“ and i think you should remember this and look out for yourself like your mum would want you to. How lucky you were to have a mum who thought so much of you, and by contrast, how sad for those two little girls to have a dad that can’t be arsed

My exh was a terrible father to his two children and I believed all the bullshit about a shitty ex wife who wouldn't let him see them etc.. Oddly enough he treated our two kids just the same and when we divorced never paid anything and never bothered with them despite me calling and asking and trying to get him to engage.. I hear he tells people I moved on with another man and he forced him out so it hurts him to talk about it... Go with your gut.. If he doesn't care about them he won't care about yours either.

I'm sorry for your losses.

When I started seeing my now DH (who had three kids already), a very wise older lady in church said to me "oooooh it's such an opportunity when he has his own children - you can watch and know exactly what sort of a father he'd be to yours". It proved very, very true.

On those lines, then, you sound as though you need to LTB. I never say that here, but...

Thanks for everyone’s knowledge and advice. Spoke to him about seeing actual paperwork and he says it will happen. He’s going through the courts now and has been quoted that the whole process will cost around 15k in total. He’s going to show me the email thread from his lawyer he says.

We aren’t in a good place in general also because of my Mum’s passing. I think I’m a bit depressed. Just have lost my spark a bit.

Thanks again for the kindness

I don't think there is any possible paperwork that will show him to be an OK father. OP I am so sorry for your huge loss. I hope you can choose the best life for yourself from here.

Put yourself first. I think the loss of your dm has probably put this all into focus for you!

You need your time to grieve and a stressful court case will not be good for you to be around.

He has nothing to show you. He doesnt want to show you, if he did. He has not been forth-coming. Its not a partnership, in name only, like hes a father, in name only.

Take care of yourself

I think it’s absolutely stunning (not in a good way) that so many women on here are calling this man a deadbeat and goodness only knows what. And yet, how many of them can find £15k or thereabouts in order to finance the legalities to enable themselves to see their own child or children should they find themselves in a similar situation? I mean, really, how many of you have access to that sort of cash? Oh that’s right, you don’t need to because UK law states that you have rights above a father and will never need to find this quantity of cash in one go unless you are proven by Social Services or other authorities to be guilty of abuse/neglect/absence to your child or children, thus needing a legal bod.

The backstory here as to why this man has not seen his kid(s) is that he found himself in financial difficulty and as a result has not seen his kid(s) for 2.5years.

What virtually everyone here has failed to mention to you is that Child maintenance payments are completely separate and have nothing to do with child visitation. This is the law and not my online witterings. There are some court orders regards child arrangements that stipulate certain specific things and that can get a little more complex regards payments and visitation, however as this man has no court order, the likelihood is that the mother has withheld the children from him and he has not had the finances to fight it, if indeed he has told you the truth regards his financial issues a few years back.

Without that backstory there is only assumption, not fact. Unless they were married and/or his name was put on the birth certificate, UK law has a whole lot of hoops and procedures to be gone through before a man can or may access visitation to his children if the mother refuses him. It costs.

What homework have you done regards understanding UK law to do with this? No, I don’t mean what you have just asked him, I mean what do you understand? I really think you would do well to understand how all this works legally and practically. The info is out there on the web and it is fact, not other people’s opinions.

Whilst I agree that your partner is being sheepish and this does not look great, you would do well to gain facts about the situation you are involved in, before you listen to a load of strangers advice when you don’t know which way is up in facts and not hearsay.

First, you would do well to find out who and what names of the parents are that are registered on the child’s birth certificate.

Secondly, you say you are now aware he is paying maintenance? I’m assuming he hasn’t always been. You need to find out why. He wasn’t on the birth certificate? He did a DNA test at a later date? He didn’t know he was the father? He didn’t have funds to pay it as he had no job? He shirked his responsibilities? If he is now paying child maintenance, he will have a unique payer number that is on the paperwork that the Child Support Agency or now known as Child Maintenance supply. Do your own investigative work.

Equally, do you like this man or are you looking for a father for your own future kids? I think it’s important to like a person first and if kids come from that, then great, but it’s not the be all and all of everything.

I agree with other posters in the fact that it’s not good he didn’t tell you he had kids. This is a whopper of an omission I agree. A WHOPPER. Is there a bonafide reason he didn’t tell you? You said he hadn’t seen them for 2.5years, had he come to the conclusion he would never see them again and so he just found it easier to say they didn’t exist? Sadly, some men do have to leave their kids if the ex is just not willing to co-operate and hey hope that when they are adults that they will think for themselves and find them.

I would do your own detective work and then make up your own mind. If you should find that yes he is a lazy father who intentionally let his kids down by not bothering to show up to see them or pay child maintenance to them when he had the money but he was being tight, ok, yes leave him. But get the facts first before you sentence him to the fringes of your life, otherwise you’ll never rest.

Sadly, some men do have to leave their kids if the ex is just not willing to co-operate and hey hope that when they are adults that they will think for themselves and find them.

@TwentyEight12 - her h was married to his ex. Op says his ex has remarried.

You’re making excuses for him. He’s a shitty deadbeat dad, plucking 15k from the air to excuse not seeing his dc.

Because they were married once, does not mean that they children have not been withheld from him at a later date.

Actually, the fact that she has re-married is more of a reason that she may well have done so.

Your abuse of a person you have never met in real life is stunning (again, not in a good way)

He's shown you what kind of dad he is- cut your loses. He won't be any different to children you give him.

Is there a bonafide reason he didn’t tell you?

Sorry, but like what exactly twenty?

In a long ramble which doesn’t contain much of any help and urges OP who is currently in the middle of the raw grief of losing her beloved mum you tell her to start playing private detective you make light of him having pretended he wasn’t a father and wasn’t responsible for two children. They’re real human beings who’ve lost any contact with their dad and he denied their very existence. That would be a complete deal breaker for me. The type of dad my husband is is a huge part of the man he is who I love and admire so much. If he’d lied about having his children nothing else he ever did or was would have made up for it.

OP, you need to concentrate on yourself. The absent children aside, your instinct to pull away from him rather than lean on him for comfort and support is a big sign this isn’t the relationship that will make you happy and give you the future you deserve.

Sorry for your loss.

You should have followed your mother's advice a long time ago. You've wasted 3 years with this man - please don't waste any more time with him.

Even if he suddenly becomes the dad of the year (spoiler alert: it's not going to happen) it's too little, too late. A man who lies about being a father is NOT the man you choose to father your children!

Be v careful. You are very vulnerable at the moment. He knows you are questioning paper work so he may turn on the caring /love be extra loving as he will sense a wobble. Listen to the little voice in your head. He has acted terribly hiding his kids initially and then blanking them. Your mother s words are preying on your mind for a good reason. Take a break from him for a while but in actual fact you will end up ( i hope ) running for the hills . He is a terrible human being to drop those poor kids. My Dh is a very kind man which i love about him and what he has done is cruel.

He doesn't sound like a keeper tbh. Is he financially stable enough now & in a position to pay the £15k he says going through the courts is going to cost him? If not, where/who is he expecting to get the money from? To be blunt, will you be receiving an inheritance from your late DM? What are your living arrangements, i.e. do you live together? Rent, maybe in a house one of you owns? Do you both contribute equally to joint/shared expenses?
I think this is a time for you to take stock of all aspects of your relationship with him. It sounds like your DM was a wise woman & you're right to remember her cautions about him.

Dump
Him op. Do not have a child with him.

I'd be surprised if he shows you anything. I don't believe applying for access to his children is going to cost him £15k either. He's fobbing you off.

I'd never get involved with a man who denied the existence of his own children.

So sorry about your dear mum. Mine died a few years ago - one of her mantras was “the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour”. Look after yourself

Are you in the UK as he can represent himself to go to court to secure access for a fraction of the 15k he seems to have plucked from the air.

Any parent worth their salt would fight tooth and nail to see their child... at any cost financially or mentally.

I’m really sorry about your mum.

I do feel I can be a tiny voice of dissent here, though.

I am absolutely NOT saying he has done right by his children. In fact, he’s been despicable really. But it doesn’t always follow that the same will be true of any future children.

Sad as it is; there are men (and women presumably) who are wonderful parents to their “second family”.

My sister’s ex for example. He’s horrendously shit to my niece. But this three children from his second marriage? Honestly the best dad to them. Everyone comments on it (some of us more bitterly than others!)

It’s weird. It’s wrong. I don’t know why it’s the case but there you have it!

If there are other problems then that’s a different ball game. And truth be told I don’t think I could respect a man who would treat his own child that way.

But there you have it.

And I’m sure someone will come along and say he could treat the “new” kids like that but he hasn’t!

He’s split from their mum. And has them I’d say 70% of the time. Pays school feels, trips, activities etc.

Wanker. But not to those children.

It costs £210 to self represent. Despite his long absence he has a good chance of supervised contact as the judge will stand up for the kids rights to know both parents and there isn't a reason for them not to know him (like social services involvement) Contact and maintenance are totally separate so if he has arrears it won't count against him.

**AnneLovesGilbert

What a load of twaddle. That is not what I said at all and at no point did I make light of the situation.

You know as much factual information regards the situation as I do and everyone else here commenting.

At the moment, the OP knows what she has been told by her partner not what she has seen with her own eyes other than text messages exchanged between her partner and his ex, the mother of their children which was a conversation stating missing/late payments.

As the OP is concerned about the legitimacy of what her partner is disclosing to her regards his situation and his children, I advised that she do some of her own detective work herself for her own peace of mind. Quite what you see wrong with this, I do not know.

Personally, I am not one for encouraging a person to lose yet another significant person in her life based on hearsay and not fact, when she has already lost two people dear to her in close proximity based on a lot of strangers thinking they know him and the intricacies of his character. You’ve never met the guy people.

We do not know if if he telling the truth or not. We do not know why he has not seen his children for 2.5 years other than the reasons he stated which were:

He found himself in financial difficulty
His ex remarried
He was pushed out
He is in legal mediation

This information does not necessarily mean it’s all true or not all true. It doesn’t mean he is ‘deadbeat’ or other things he has been accused of either. It also doesn’t mean he is a wonderful man or a wonderful father either. Without more factual information, everything is an assumption.