Need serious advice please. Boyfriend doesn’t see his kids

[Mystar18]

Hi all, I need some advice.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both 31.

He has two girls, 8 and 10. He did not tell me about them in the beginning of our relationship, I actually found out on social media. It was a shock because I was already falling in love with him and don’t date fathers as I don’t have any children. Anyway, I told him he absolutely needed to speak about them more and I needed to meet them., to which he agreed

He did have visitation every second weekend at the beginning, but that stopped maybe 6 months into our relationship when he went through financial problems and was unable to pay support to them.

The ex is remarried and has another child, and he says that he was pushed out of the picture.


He does pay child support now I am told but hasn’t seen his girls in 2.5 years. This has been a CONSTANT and very sore fight between us as I’ve been confused as to why it has taken so long for him to get legal aid to see them.


I want to move on with my live, id like to get married and have a child of my own but emotionally I can’t do it when he doesn’t see or even mention his children and I’m struggling.

As I am told he was trying to talk with his ex, then was going to courts, and is now doing legal mediation. He never offers anything about them news wise, I have to dig every time.


I lost my mother and my best friend 4 weeks ago to cancer. Instead of wanting him close I am pushing him away. I’m just a mess. I’m not sure if I should stay in the relationship or end it because I have been asking for something for 3 years and haven’t gotten it. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long and why he never includes me.


He and I do love one another. Asides from this we do great but tbh it’s always on my mind now.

[BasilFaulty]

I think it's your mum giving you a sign.

[SandyY2K]

Sorry about the loss of your mum and best friend. I can't imagine how difficult that is. I hope you have support from other family members during this difficult time.

Your mum was right about him. He started off by hiding his children.

He's shown you that he's abandoned his DDs and it clearly doesn't bother him.

There's no logical reason to have a child with him. None whatsoever.

[sue51]

A man who doesn't even try to have a relationship with his children is not worthy of your affection. I know its hard when you have just experienced a great loss but you would be far better off alone.

[OldAndWornOut]

I think if seeing his children was as important to him as it should be, he would have told you immediately you met that he was having issues, but in the process of dealing with them.

[GhostIsAGoodBoi]

Leave.

He’s already shown you who he is - he doesn’t see his DC, doesn’t pay a penny, isn’t arsed about seeing them and didn’t feel they were important enough to tell you about.

He won’t be any different if you have DC with him.

[TheNavigator]

My mum's husband (I refuse to call him step father) has no relationship with his children from his previous marriage. He is a truly terrible selfish man. I do think these facts are related. Be aware, my mum believed his crap enough to marry him. Big mistake.

[Smotheroffive]

Its very telling that in your deep grief you have turned away from him. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother , and would suggest that there isnt emotional support for you in this relationship because this is how you instinctively feel/act as a result.

I recall having MC and knowing i was on my own with it. The relationship proved that further down the line.

Your instincts are right and there is no emotional depth to this man, or he would love his dc unconditionally. His lying is a massive red flag that he can separate himself from them in that way.

You deserve better, and sending you unmumsnetty (((hugs))) for your time of grief and strength for moving on with your life.

[AnthonyCrowley]

I think your mum sounds like she was a good judge of character.

[Figure8]

I'm sorry about your mum- she was clearly a wise woman.


Your partner.... if someone can treat their CHILDREN like he does, he absolutely 100 % will treat you the same.

He is clearly lacking in both heart and basic responsibility.

[CupoTeap]

Hi op I found myself in a similar situation and managed to put it to one side but it would flare regularly in my head. My experience was that there was a good reason he didn't see them. She wouldn't let them see him due to controlling and DA. I wish I could stop him from seeing mine but we have a court order. His first are grown up now and they did start seeing him but I understand not anymore.

When someone tells you who they are listen.

Is this the person you want to choose as the best father for your dc?

[Graphista]

Sorry for the loss of your mum and best friend

He didn't even tell you he HAD kids

He barely saw them when he was seeing them - if he even was? If you never met them how do you know he did?

You've only his word that he's ever paid maintenance

Your mother was right!

You're not tied to him now in any way.

Seriously, get a clue and cut your losses! He's a deadbeat, that will NEVER change.

[ThinkWittyThoughts]

Everything Graphista just said.

You're mum was right.
Leave him.

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

Sorry for your loss.

Only you can decide what sort of man you want to be with. My own view is that any man who turns his back on his kids is a waste of good oxygen.

There is only one reason for a dad not to be involved and not to be fighting through the courts for such a long time. He can't be bothered. No ifs. No buts. No excuses. He can't be arsed.

[PicsInRed]

So sorry about your Mum.
Her excellent advice was her gift to you.
Don't squander it.

[Smotheroffive]

How are you OP?

[HollowTalk]

So sorry you lost your mum.

She gave fantastic advice. You deserve so much better than this boyfriend and your mum knew it. End the relationship now and do it for her as well as yourself. Any man who acts like he does doesn't deserve you.

[letsjustsee]

I've been in a similar situation with my now ex. He had a daughter from previous relationship and at first I believed that it was his ex who made it difficult to see his daughter. He used to tell me that she stopped him from seeing her, never replied if he contacted her, would say that he could see DD then cancel on the day etc.

I decided to try and help (probably wasn't my place) and talk to his ex to ask what we could do to help solve the problems of them spending time together, now she did do those things but I found out it wasn't always her, it was my now ex who would cancel, wouldn't make an effort either, and wasn't paying his maintenance.

I started to pay for his DD and built up their relationship so he could have her every weekend.

We have a little boy together and he was a great father to him, spent all his time with him....

Now we have broken up he has made no attempt to see him, I send him pictures of our son, try to facetime him, text about how he is, ask him to come spend the day with him or have him overnight. I get nothing back.

They never change and I'm sure he is doing the same to his DD and previous ex.

Leave now before you have children together and he lets you both down

[Athena1985]

this really is a hard one !

I'm inclined to ask for proof on paper why this has taken so long- having gone through divorce, division of assets and child mediation myself I can tell you it really is a lonnnnnnnnng process - we are two years in counting and ALMOST at the end- it really is a process. In all honesty it sounds to me like your partner has been burnt badly emotionally not only by his ex partner that's dragging him through all this but can you imagine being a man that doesn't get to see his children by possibly ( and I mean possibly) no fault of his own - fathers really do get a rough deal when actually sometimes its the women/mothers than can be really the ones being unreasonable but someohow its automatically assumed its the father being the unreasonable one ! the facts are your partner is trying - I know a lot of dads who just don't bother at all for decades and never ever see there kids. Reading between the lines it looks as though he may not be opening up to you because its really painful what hes going through- infact I feel like I have a lot of compassion towards you both- if he was such a bad dad he would be dodging paying child support full stop and he would not be trying to see the kids- I think your relationship is key , he needs to see you are there for him no matter what and as a man - they don't talk as its not manly however it has been known with the right woman making him feel like its safe to open up - he will open up to you and you will make him feel like super man - I think sometimes women strongly underestimate the support they give to men and the value of it and their strength - I really do . Maybe start with strengthening your relationship- maybe read men are from mars women are form venus together or go to relationship counselling? it all starts with communication and bein open I think .....

[FreshHorizons]

A huge red flag. Leave him.

[FionasWineShow]

The way he's behaving is not OK.

If you were to have children with him, you would be the one dealing with the emotional fall out, if/when he inevitably goes down the same route with your kids.

It's not fair to knowingly inflict a bad father on a child.

Obviously it's different when you don't know how a person is going to be. But you categorically do know, and the person it will affect most won't be you. It will be your child.

[thethoughtfox]

Look for proof. But TBH, I'm with your mother on this.

[differentnameforthis]

and he says that he was pushed out of the picture. Someone who didn't tell you about his kids, and had to be told to see them more was NOT pushed out of the picture. He removed himself.

I’ve been confused as to why it has taken so long for him to get legal aid to see them. He doesn't want to.

I don’t understand why it’s taking so long and why he never includes me. He doesn't care, and doesn't want to include you.

Op, do not have children with this man. They will be added to the list of children who did not see their father, and that is a shit place to be in.

Please move on, this isn't helping your grief.

[Theworldcouldbemymollusc]

Why would you want to have kids with someone who has a clear track record of being an appalling father? It makes no sense. Surely you can aim higher for the future of any children you will have.

[IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord]

You don't need a solicitor to apply to family court.

If he isn't proactive then its because he doesn't want to be.

PS financially struggling doesn't mean your children shouldn't eat, it means you don't. He should have paid support.

[Sicario]

THIS MAN IS A DEAD BEAT. Do yourself a favour and end it.