Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

A bit of support required please

37 replies

StinkinDrink · 08/06/2019 13:30

I have NC'd to avoid a possible outing but I'm a regular poster on here.

I have been with my DH for 3 years, he has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, we have him every weekend, collect him from school and he goes home Monday. We now also have a 6 month old son together.

I just feel like I need some support from people in a similar situation, I knew he had a son when I married him and I have always had a wonderful relationship with him and hes a lovely young man but recently things have changed, my partner got made redundant and now has to work weekends leaving all the childcare to me, I find it hard looking after my own son and his together, my DSS never seems satisfied with just having a day in the house now and again, we live rurally and I find it really hard taking them both out together.

I feel like I'm losing my maternity leave to another child and not giving my all to my own baby.

Also DSS mum has been very, very awkward lately, not being home when I have dropped him off at a pre arranged time once is a good example, I had to wait on the town she lives in for 3 hours before he could be taken there, he was constantly asking where his mummy was (and rightly so!) and it was left to me to console him. She has asked for him home early some weeks, late the next etc things are just never the same every weekend and it really annoys me. I feel like why should I have to deal with it? My husband never seems to address ths situation as 'he doesn't want an arguement' but it's ok for me to be upset by it?

Theres probably more I haven't remembered to included (I'm not drip feeding!). I don't know what I want from this thread really, a bit of support from people in similar situations? A kick up the arse and to be told to get on with it? I don't really know. I don't need to be told I knew he had a son and I signed up for this, i know that's true but as things have changed in our lives I'm finding it harder and harder to be a step parent.

OP posts:

MichelleC69 · 08/06/2019 14:16

I think your husband needs to step up and sort out the mother's behaviour - it's not acceptable. I'm sure he'd raise it if it were him having to hang around for 3 hours before dropping the child off. It's also not fair of him to rely on you for the childcare - he's not parenting his own child. You need to tell him how you feel I think.

FanjoFizz · 08/06/2019 14:48

Why is your DSS’s contact time when his dad isn’t there? He should be coming when his dad is at home.
Is your DH working 7 days a week or does he have days off?

Teddybear45 · 08/06/2019 15:02

Your DH must have days off in the week. Change the contact time to suit that (go to court if you must). You aren’t the parent he is and he absolutely must step up.

RagingWhoreBag · 08/06/2019 15:12

Its crazy that he comes every weekend and yet his dad isn't even there!! Contact is supposed to be for him to have a relationship with his dad. Obviously its nice that he spends time with his half brother too, but your H needs to sort this out so that he is taking responsibility for his own child, not leaving it all to you. Its ridiculous that DSS's mum is leaving you hanging about and disrupting your weekend.

I don't think its fair to say that you're squandering your mat leave on his child, as its not full time, but even every weekend when his dad isn't there is too much.

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/06/2019 15:16

Just say no and he needs to arrange childcare. You are not free childcare. Can't he do Sunday to Tuesday if your dp works weekends so one day at weekends then the next days with dp before and after school.
I wouldn't offer to have dps kids if he wasn't here

Original poster

StinkinDrink · 08/06/2019 15:37

His son lives an hour away with his mother, his mother would never agree to him not coming on a weekend as she goes out all weekend! So it would never work having him the 2 week days he is off as it would be an hours commute back and forward to school even if she agreed. Just feel stuck the way things are! He does need to be here for him but we also need him to be in work. I don't know what the answer is here, I'm starting to dread him coming which is not nice of me I know....

OP posts:

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/06/2019 15:43

Its not up to him or his ex to make you free childcare, you can say no. Contact is there for his dad to see him.
Could he collect him after work Saturday? Then have an evening with him and a morning and you run him back su day. Gives you one day on weekend free. Then he could go one day in week and have dinner or take him swimming tc after school on day off. Everyone wins. Time. With half siblings and you plus time alone owth dad. It's a fair compromise

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2019 16:52

Fair enough he needs to work but what would he do if you weren’t there to cover plans he made about his son’s contact time? Leaving it up to you isn’t an option. He’s more worried about his ex being upset than you being upset and that’s your biggest problem. It sounds like he needs a different job and now. Is he really happy to miss the two full days he has his son? And why are you taking DSS back to his mum? Your husband should be doing that. You’re taking the baby on a two hour round trip when the very least he can do is the driving.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2019 16:55

And I’m a SM but haven’t been in this position because my husband would far rather have his DC full time so the time he has them is precious and he wouldn’t make himself unavailable and I wouldn’t agree to have them for two days a week without him. I’m close to them, have time with them one on one so he gets time with them on their own, have had them if they’ve been ill and it’s been easier for me to take the day off than him, but I’m primarily here to facilitate their time with him not to replace it.

rainydayseveryday · 08/06/2019 17:24

I'm all for family, step parents and friends helping life isn't as simple as some people believe but this is unacceptable.
You just say NO.
You will help every other weekend and your dp can have his son more in the holiday.
I would not be solely looking after my dp dc every weekend and neither would he with mine.

swingofthings · 09/06/2019 08:16

What are the chances of your OH finding another M-F job? Him working weekends seems to the core of the problem. He needs to actively looking for another job.

Sicario · 09/06/2019 08:34

You're going to have to put your foot down on this one. IME, men don't particularly like doing the child care if they can get a woman to do it.

I think you need to spell out that his contact time with his son is NOT your responsibility and that you don't want to do it anymore. Either he is present when his son is, or he rearranges the contact.

Trust me - if you let this slide you will become more and more resentful and it won't end well. Grasp the nettle, tell him you're not doing it any more, and leave him to sort it out with his ex.

thethoughtfox · 09/06/2019 08:50

You are going to have to make a point and say I'm not available at weekends any more. Don't collect him from school and go out all weekend from before your partner leaves for work even if it means wandering the streets. If your SS is at your home, be bright and breezy and friendly but direct him back to his father. They will sort if out between them when made to.

Original poster

StinkinDrink · 09/06/2019 09:39

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses. To answer a few questions, he couldn't spend a Saturday evening with him as he works 10-10, I don't know what he would do if it wasnt for me, his mother has sadly passed away and his dad is disabled so no family help. I will have a chat with him tomorrow I think, hes not actively avoiding seeing his son by any means, he hates going to work and not being able to spend time with him. He is looking for a mon-fri job, hopefully one comes up soon, if not I will probably return back from maternity a few weeks early, he can go part time and do the main responsibility of childcare, what a shock he will get haha! It's not easy....

OP posts:

Danascully2 · 09/06/2019 09:49

I don't have experience of the step parenting but a 5 year old and a 6 month old is hard work as they can't really do the same things. It might get a bit easier once baby is on his feet and toddling around after the older one, but I'm not surprised you're finding it a challenge to occupy them both every weekend by yourself.

stuffedpeppers · 09/06/2019 09:51

I think the Dad is being given a hard time - he was made redundant recently, which means up until recently he was around and looking after his son. So we are talking 2-3 months max of this so far and he knows it needs to change an is actively looking

Redundancy is stressful and he has 2 children to support, so he got a job, any job. Good on him and he is looking to change.

It is not ideal but sounds like it is going to be short term because he hates it aswell. Sorry OP, hethought he had a family and a partner for some short term support to help finance the family and you have stepped up which is excellent but within 2-3 months you have had enough.

give it a few months and am sure he will be back in a mon-fri job. I actually feel sorry for him - he ahs done what is financially right, he loses time with his sons and hates it and you have stepped up but are making it quite obvious you resent it.

and the EX has nothing to do with this- they had an arrangement.

Original poster

StinkinDrink · 09/06/2019 10:12

@stuffedpeppers, thank you, I completely agree with everything you have said I think thats why I'm finding it hard because I feel guilty for getting resentful when he is trying his very best and is a good dad. Maybe what I was trying to say is now I feel like I have to bottle up how I'm feeling as not to upset him but its grinding me down keeping it to myself so I feel a bit stuck. I haven't made it obvious to him I resent it and don't want to either but is it fair to bury how I feel and just crack on until something changes? Maybe it is! I honestly don't know? It will probably just add to his stress which I don't want to do. Like you say hopefully it's only temporary 🤞

OP posts:

Spanglyprincess1 · 09/06/2019 12:08

It is to do with the ex and him. The contact time is with his dad. Yes I feel sorry for him and its tough but the reality is, it is what it is for now and the contact times will need to change to mean his son gets to see him

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2019 13:21

and the EX has nothing to do with this- they had an arrangement.

It’s his ex who isn’t sticking to an arrangement if she keeps chopping and changing leaving the OP and both DC hanging around for hours on end because she isn’t where she said she’d be. That’s awful got DSS, not fair at all.

OP, he needs to get a week-time job. He shouldn’t have taken a job that meant he’d have no time with his son.

FanjoFizz · 09/06/2019 13:39

On another note, I as a mother would not be happy with a childcare arrangement that meant my DC was at his dad’s every weekend, does she not want to spend time with him?
I barely see my kids in the week due to work / school. If I didn’t have weekend time with them we’d have zero quality time

FanjoFizz · 09/06/2019 13:40

OP, he needs to get a week-time job. He shouldn’t have taken a job that meant he’d have no time with his son
She said he’s looking. He can’t be unemployed and not supporting his children either, imagine ringing his ex to say he’s stopping CMS because he isn’t working and his wife is on maternity leave. I’m sure that would go down like a lead balloon too

Athena1985 · 09/06/2019 20:03

Hun, I’ve been in a similar situation and this is what worked for us - I would suggest your husband and his ex go to mediation ( you can google your local one ) re the child care arrangements as it sounds like here there is no compromise between you and him as one unit and his ex - so if they won’t do mediation I would suggest doing a parenting plan via carcass website - they can just fill drafts in together send them to each other until they eventually agree and they then sign - because without anything in writing there’s no boundaries so everyone gets to take the mickey ! This is also not good for his five year old as you’ve pointed out- kids need consistency and routine - what if also suggest is if they can’t do the previous ive suggested apply for a child arrangement order it’s all on the .gov website - I think with your partner four key things - it sounds like you both need to show you are listening to, understanding , feeling each other and conpromisingn and if this isn’t happening RELATe is awesome sometimes they do free sessions pls keep us updated !

Athena1985 · 09/06/2019 20:06

Just to add - it is time now you stated taking the control you , your partner and 2 children deserve and implement some boundaries with the ex otherwise believe me this situation will get worse for you and you all deserve so much better !

Athena1985 · 09/06/2019 20:07

.... you CAN do it !!!

Amibeingdaft81 · 09/06/2019 20:11

If you only have him every other weekend, I’m genuinely baffled how you can think this is “losing your maternity leave looking after another child”

Flip

1 2