A bit of support required please

[StinkinDrink]

I have NC'd to avoid a possible outing but I'm a regular poster on here.

I have been with my DH for 3 years, he has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, we have him every weekend, collect him from school and he goes home Monday. We now also have a 6 month old son together.

I just feel like I need some support from people in a similar situation, I knew he had a son when I married him and I have always had a wonderful relationship with him and hes a lovely young man but recently things have changed, my partner got made redundant and now has to work weekends leaving all the childcare to me, I find it hard looking after my own son and his together, my DSS never seems satisfied with just having a day in the house now and again, we live rurally and I find it really hard taking them both out together.

I feel like I'm losing my maternity leave to another child and not giving my all to my own baby.

Also DSS mum has been very, very awkward lately, not being home when I have dropped him off at a pre arranged time once is a good example, I had to wait on the town she lives in for 3 hours before he could be taken there, he was constantly asking where his mummy was (and rightly so!) and it was left to me to console him. She has asked for him home early some weeks, late the next etc things are just never the same every weekend and it really annoys me. I feel like why should I have to deal with it? My husband never seems to address ths situation as 'he doesn't want an arguement' but it's ok for me to be upset by it?

Theres probably more I haven't remembered to included (I'm not drip feeding!). I don't know what I want from this thread really, a bit of support from people in similar situations? A kick up the arse and to be told to get on with it? I don't really know. I don't need to be told I knew he had a son and I signed up for this, i know that's true but as things have changed in our lives I'm finding it harder and harder to be a step parent.

What works for us is every tues and thurs evening and alternate weekend my partner works Saturday and has sun off I look afternoon my step son sat and I get Sunday to myself - all about balance Hun x

Sorry what I meant to say is we have him tues and thurs night and alternate weekends - tue and thurs my partner looks after him on the evening and I take him to school the next day

@Amibeingdaft81 yes, you are being daft, I don't know where you have skipped things I have written to come to that conclusion. I said I have him EVERY Fri after school until Monday. No where did I mention every other weekend??? Very helpful input 🙄👍

Thank you everyone else for your more helpful advice, I'll take bits from everyone and try to come to an arrangement that will work for us.

@Athena1985 thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed and helpful reply 😊 it's nice to know where we could get support from.

@FanjoFizz I do wonder why she doesn't want him over the weekend now and again, her husband and parents often care for him after school as well so she mustn't get much quality time with him...

I think going back to work early may be a solution. He can then do weekend child care and see his son, while looking for a M to F job.

The biggest problem I c is that u have him every weekend, can't believe she doesn't want her child at the weekends. This should or needs to change to every other weekend.

Could you have him every half a weekend? Eg Friday to Sat afternoon one week then next week Sat to Sunday.
So you at least get one day of rest each weekend.
Does ex work at weekends? That is only possible reason I can think Of for not wanting weekends

His son lives an hour away with his mother, his mother would never agree to him not coming on a weekend as she goes out all weekend!

Tough titty. Tell her that's how it's gong to be. Refuse to look after him on your own. She's totally taking the piss. Don't have him in your house without DH. Don't pick him up from school and don't be his taxi service.

Time she parented her own child at the weekend.

The more I read about the situation the more i feel annoyed for you - SHE has a husband and parents ?!! Who knows why she doesn’t want him on the weekend but I’m inclined to wonder why as it sounds to me like she’s getting rid of him at every opportunity she can which is almost like rejecting him and I don’t think that’s something she even knows she’s doing - that is what my stepsons mum is like however the more that she is allowed to just palm him off whenever she wants it is being reinforced to her that this is ok when it really isn’t she has equal
parental responsibility for her son as much as your husband does - so yeah whatever you agree on to set the boundaries and stick to them would be wonderful- i was going to suggest maybe you have him for a whole week and she has him the alternate week but if he lives an hour way I don’t know how feasible it would be in terms of you dropping him off at school and picking him up everyday - there’s so many options you could explore but if you don’t think it’s fair you have him every weekend which it sounds to me it’s not then maybe suggest alternate weekends and one constant week night like I said there’s so much to consider and with all that support around her she really doesn’t have an argument - mediatio involves a third party who is not emotionally involved - chances are your husbands ex knows him and how he works and so may know what emotional buttons to press to get what she wants and that’s why involving mediation will take the emotion out of it and stick to the facts - also helping our partner to understand when she’s using emotions of the child to try and her what she wants and to encourage your partner to practice standard responses like : this is what the arrangements are this week as per agreed parenting plan / mediation agreement/ child arrangement order and soon she will stop trying to get an emotional reaction out of him . It’s taken me a while , BUT to be honest it gets better you just have to try not to let the emotions take over . It’s difficult when your first child experience is being overshadowed by your partners ex because quite rightly you should be getting the limelight and the support when you need it so I would be pissed off too- I would get this sorted as quick as you can because I think too much of your focus is being taken on by someone who doesn’t deserve it and should be spent on making memories with your husband your baby and your step son , it can be done but you and your husband need to be one unit for it to work , and his step son needs to be kept in mind and balanced between your needs as a person, your husbands needs as a person, your needs as a couple and your baby’s needs ! His ex is an adult and she has a partner to help her with all that stuff so please don’t think it’s your job to solve it al because it’s not there’s several other adults in this , please keep us updated

Sorry, been AWOL for a week...

I said I didn't want to have him the weekend just past but an emergency came up with his mum meaning she was desperate for help so I got him from school but returned him early on the Saturday. It was my choice to, I felt bad being free and everyone being so stuck as to where he would go. My Husband said to me today he was so pleased I had helped out as he was really glad he got to see him even if it was just for breakfast on the Saturday which made my day as well seeing how happy he was. His mother was also very appreciative, thanking me profusely and DSS giving me a huge hug as I left him. It kind of makes it easier being appreciated so much, maybe that's been missing slightly making me resent having him...?

Going forward I am returning to work early, I have 4 weeks until I return and it's only 3 weeks early anyway. This will allow Husband to drop weekends, look for another job and be able to look after and spend time with DSS. In the next 4 weekends I will probably agree to have him for 2 of those weekends. I am happy with my decision although I am dreading leaving my baby (as I'm sure all mums do!).

Thanks all for the help/support I will keep you updated if anything changes! And probably be back for a whinge before long 🤣🙈

I'm glad there appears to be some resolution here but I do think you need to look at the every weekend thing going forwards.

1 - where is your scs dad in all this?

2 - you have your sc EVERY weekend? Doesn't mum ever want to spend time with him on the weekend?

Very strange