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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can’t afford to pay me but can pay her

69 replies

lisabarnett236 · 07/06/2019 19:53

Hi everyone,

I don’t really know where to go for advice hoping someone on here can help. Me and my boyfriend have been together for the past year. He has two children aged 4 and 5. I didn’t really want to be with someone with kids as really wanted my own but they are a package and I love him. The problem is that he only works part time in his job 4 days a week and has the youngest child on a Friday all day. He can’t afford to contribute to any bills or food as he says he has no money. We have gone over his income and expenditure a few times and he only has around £80 left a month. I rent my house and he lives here full time and the kids one night a week. I’m starting to get a bit resentful that he lives here for free and doesn’t pay anything but has offered to give the kids mum extra maintenance when the youngest starts school in sep and he takes an extra day at work. This upset me a lot as he offered to give her more money but can’t give me anything.

Am I stupid to carry on ?

OP posts:

Freudianslip1 · 08/06/2019 08:21

This happened to a (male) friend of mine, she lived in his house with her dc and couldn't afford to pay into the house for seven years. She left suddenly and he discovered that she had paid off £18k of debt in that time and then moved on to someone else. Move on OP.

ZenNudist · 08/06/2019 08:27

Ugh get rid. Even if he wasn't a cocklodger the not being able to have children with him is a massive red flag. Youve given up on your dreams for this man? No way!

donquixotedelamancha · 08/06/2019 08:39

So, within a year of dating, you've moved him in and completely support him?

Why would you make such terrible decisions?

Obviously get rid, but you need to work on your judgement before dating anyone else.

Why did you feel you couldn't state your needs?
Why date someone who is so disrespectful to you?

Maybe counseling, maybe just asking yourself hard questions, but you need to be able to respect yourself before you can make healthy relationship choices.

fizzicles · 08/06/2019 08:48

He's not paying off his debts. You are. Where would he stay if he was only at yours 3 nights a week? Is he paying rent there?

Clutterbugsmum · 08/06/2019 08:52

I’m starting to get a bit resentful that he lives here for free and doesn’t pay anything but has offered to give the kids mum extra maintenance when the youngest starts school in sep and he takes an extra day at work. Why the fuck does he think he can work less once he child at school full time. He needs to get a Full time job so he can afford to pay his way.

If not he can find somewhere else to live.

Sedona123 · 08/06/2019 08:58

Why does he only work part-time, especially when he has debts?

burnyburny · 08/06/2019 09:01

@Clutterbugsmum He'll be working an EXTRA day when the DC goes to school. He has a Friday off just now to have his child.

Josiebloggs · 08/06/2019 09:11

Get rid.
Either make him live elsewhere full time and go back to dating but make sure its on a 50/50 basis or tell him you want a partner not a freeloader and end it.
Who wouldn't want a nice place to live for free with all bills and food paid, you'll never know if he's with you because he wants to be or because he gets a nice life for free.

BazaarMum · 08/06/2019 09:25

Who housed and fed him before you? Was there another woman, or parents?

The debts and expensive car tell you that he’s expecting to live beyond his means with someone solvent picking up his bills.

He should absolutely be cutting everything else to the bone so he can fairly contribute to HIS living expenses (which includes towards your rent/mortgage and bills) as well as all food and other costs.

If he’s not willing to do this, by offloading the car as a start, and increasing his hours ASAP, then definite cocklodger!

Banhaha · 08/06/2019 19:52

Please leave him. I understand him wanting to give his children as much as he can but if he wasn't living with you for free he'd have to find somewhere to live and probably pay rent! I assume the CMA calculations allow for him to keep some money for rent. (Not saying their calculation is what he should pay but that the government presumably allow for the fact he needs to pay for a roof over his head).

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2019 16:25

You've been targeted.

There is a certain type of man who views women as commodities to be exploited. Most of these men seem to be living with single parent mumsnetters.

Are you going to tell us how he managed before he moved in with you?

Starlight456 · 13/06/2019 16:39

To add you can’t have kids with this man he can’t afford them , you are already paying for his when they come over .

He should be working weekends to pay for kids , get a better job . None of this seems to involve him making any sacrifice

fedup21 · 13/06/2019 16:43

How did he survive before he met you? He has certainly moved in quick considering you haven’t been together long!

I would tell him to piss off and find a boyfriend that pays his own way.

sweetkitty · 19/06/2019 22:26

This is truly tragic reading this.

OP please get shot of this parasite of a man and find someone who is going to treat you like an equal partner, someone you can have your own children with, not someone who sponges off you.

This man has really got it good, he’s swanning around in an expensive car wracking up credit card debt whilst living rent free at yours?

Tactfulish · 20/06/2019 09:52

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Neisha98 · 03/07/2019 02:28

Get him to set up child maintenance through cms. Then he can't bullshit you out of money you need for the house

Coyoacan · 03/07/2019 04:28

As far as I am concerned a car is a luxury item, rent and bills come first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2019 04:31

Expensive car? Fur coat and nae knickers as my father would say.

HigaDequasLuoff · 03/07/2019 06:52

Or to put it another way, he values his desire for a nice car over paying his way in terms of rent and bills. He'd rather be a freeloader with a nice car than a decent honest person without a nice car.

This is not a good man. Get rid of the rose-tinted specs and boot him out. He is using you.

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