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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can’t afford to pay me but can pay her

69 replies

lisabarnett236 · 07/06/2019 19:53

Hi everyone,

I don’t really know where to go for advice hoping someone on here can help. Me and my boyfriend have been together for the past year. He has two children aged 4 and 5. I didn’t really want to be with someone with kids as really wanted my own but they are a package and I love him. The problem is that he only works part time in his job 4 days a week and has the youngest child on a Friday all day. He can’t afford to contribute to any bills or food as he says he has no money. We have gone over his income and expenditure a few times and he only has around £80 left a month. I rent my house and he lives here full time and the kids one night a week. I’m starting to get a bit resentful that he lives here for free and doesn’t pay anything but has offered to give the kids mum extra maintenance when the youngest starts school in sep and he takes an extra day at work. This upset me a lot as he offered to give her more money but can’t give me anything.

Am I stupid to carry on ?

OP posts:
llangennith · 07/06/2019 22:20

I think you know the answer to your question. Yes, you are being stupid to allow this man to sponge off you.
Evict him.

Singlenotsingle · 07/06/2019 22:23

He must have thought all his birthdays had come at once when he managed to snare you.

CanILeavenowplease · 07/06/2019 22:28

I don’t quite understand why paying extra maintenance is viewed as so problematic - if he’s upping his hours, he would be legally obliged to up his payments accordingly. At least he’s supporting his kids. So many don’t.

Frankola · 07/06/2019 22:44

Tell him to get a better job and financially contribute to your joint household bills.

Or ditch him.

As it is, he's taking the piss.

SavingSpaces2019 · 07/06/2019 23:06

I’m starting to get a bit resentful that he lives here for free and doesn’t pay anything but has offered to give the kids mum extra maintenance when the youngest starts school in sep and he takes an extra day at work

You can shag him but you can't talk to him about sponging off you?!!
This guy chose not to increase his working hours and pay his way because he was happy that you let him sponge off you.
He has more consideration and respect for his ex than he does you.

You are his cash cow.
He's certainly done a number on you.

SandyY2K · 08/06/2019 00:20

You're being used for financial support and it will only get worse.

You have a man who cannot afford to live on his own. I couldn't muster up respect or attraction for a man who used me like this.

You can do better than this and you deserve better. He comes with enough baggage without him not paying his way.

lifebegins50 · 08/06/2019 06:40

You are entitled to feel resentful. What advice would you give to a friend?

I suspect your boyfriend will make you feel guilty if you raise money issues but stay strong, as you are not unreasonable.

It is fine for him to want to work 4 days and run an expensive car but equally it is also fine for you to say the current setup doesn't work for you.

What will you do now?

AuntieStella · 08/06/2019 06:50

I suggest you tell him that you cannot afford the current set up, and ask him to back to where he was living before.

Then see what happens, and if in the light of his reaction you want to keep seeing him at all. I suspect you have just drifted in to cohabitation, without proper discussion of finances. This is the chance to sort it out.

Money is one of the biggest things that relationships founder on.

He's doing the right thing by putting spending on his DC top of his priority list. If this is going to cause you enduring problems (and worse, resentment) then you need to ok again at whether you are up for the whole package. I suggest you see less of his DC whilst the re-evaluation is going on (because it's hard on them when people they are encouraged to be close to don't stick around) - I don't mean being distant/chilly, just make sure it's not inviting of further intimacy

purplecatt · 08/06/2019 07:08

Oh good god. Tell him to leave. You're not responsible for him financially.

Stiffasaboard · 08/06/2019 07:13

What would he do if he wasn’t with you?

Where would he live and what would he use to buy food?
He would manage right? Find the money somehow or get extra hours at work etc (on the four days he doesn’t have the kids he could do a night shift or evening work).

He’s taking the piss

KatherineJaneway · 08/06/2019 07:14

Get rid. He's shit with money, cc debts and an overdraft, and lives with you virtually for free so he can enjoy his expensive car and phone. He's a loser.

GaraMedouar · 08/06/2019 07:21

I had exactly the same. A cocklodger who lived with me for 7 years. His kids stayed over one night a week too. You will become more resentful as I did. trouble was he was such a 'nice' guy, like a human Labrador! He owes me thousands for unpaid rent. He now cocklodge s with his new girlfriend and pays me not a penny to our DD's maintenance!

You can do better. You are being used as a cash cow.

justilou1 · 08/06/2019 07:40

Sounds like you can’t afford him!

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 08/06/2019 07:43

Get him out, OP.

babbi · 08/06/2019 07:45

Get shot of him .. you sound lovely and can do so much better

junebirthdaygirl · 08/06/2019 07:50

It's not hi m giving money to support his kids thats the problem. That's the good side of him. It's the other financial chaos that's the difficulty. You are focusing on the wrong thing.
This man is bad news. Running up credit card debt he cant afford and buying an expensive car with no money. Just get rid of him as he is a financial disaster.

But remember stop blaming his children or HER...his children's mother!

paddington34 · 08/06/2019 07:54

Please split up with him..You want children and he can't afford them.You will start to hate him as the years roll by.

sqirrelfriends · 08/06/2019 08:00

Don't waste your time with this one. I'm sure he's lovely but he wont be able to give you what you want.

sugarcubed · 08/06/2019 08:02

Don’t waste any more time with this man. I know you love him now but that resentment will gnaw away.

If he loved you he would be taking your needs into consideration too. Of course his kids should be the priority but he needs to contribute to both your lives too. If he can’t and don’t let him sweet talk you asking for time, then get rid. Otherwise before you know it you’ve wasted several more years waiting on him.

kbPOW · 08/06/2019 08:04

Tell him to find somewhere else to lodge his cock!

LolaSmiles · 08/06/2019 08:11

Get rid of him. He's sponging off you.
Sooner He's gone, sooner there's no chance of you having a kid with him. Cocklodgers seem to have a way of convincing the women in their lives that it'll be great to have kids with them and then the women are tied to cocklodger's poor finances for 18 years.

adaline · 08/06/2019 08:15

I don't see an issue with him working 4 days a week when he has his child full-time on the fifth day, but what are his other good points, exactly?

He sees his kids one night a week (why not more?)
He's poor with money (debts and overdraft)
He prioritises an expensive car and his phone bill over paying his way.

Why are you with him?

CherryPavlova · 08/06/2019 08:17

This is not a good footing for a partnership . I’m of the old fashioned view that you and your spouse should be able to support any family that is planned and that ach child is planned and wanted by both partners.
You have only been with him a year and he’s intentions are clear. He wants sex without commitment of contributions. That’s not something I would have chosen, nor something I’d want for my children’s adult lives.
I’d also be wary of someone who had already left or been left by their previous partner when the children were so young. He sounds like he’s made himself very comfortable.

EL8888 · 08/06/2019 08:18

Yep blatant cocklodger. He could not work part time and have a less expensive car, an expensive car is a luxury after all. He’s choosing to do neither and making you subsidise him. Time to get rid. How did he survive before being a parasite to you?

thethoughtfox · 08/06/2019 08:20

There is no other way to view this: cocklodger.