My fiance left over my daughter (his step child)

[Betterlife19]

So I was in a 3 year relationship with a man I adored. I have 4 children which he had taken on as his own one was a few months old when we first started dating. My oldest child had started to become challenging for the last year of our relationship (shes a teenager) really nasty with words moody typical teenager stuff, the other kids loved him, it all came to a head one day with a huge arguement between them she left and went to stay at her biological fathers to whom I have the 4 children to, after a few days she called and asked me to choose between her or my partner,I told my partner and he walked away from that day as he said no mother should be put in that situation to do that and of course children come first. After this it took her 5 weeks to come home from her fathers and my fiance has never contacted me since. My other children are so upset especially the younger one as I mentioned she was a few months old when we started dating she asks for him every day still it's been 2 months. I've txt and called him to be told to never contact him again,even though we never fell out. I just dont know what to do.

I think he did right by you. He was thinking about you and your daughter. How many threads on here say that they are your kids and your responsibility is to them. Some people are so contradictory.

I can't help but think that there is a hell of a lot going on here that we don't know, that needs talking about - not necessarily on mumsnet, but within your family.
Your DD's move to her father's and her ultimatum - are extreme. What was the argument with your ex-DP about? What are the underlying and ongoing issues between them? Is it 'normal' teen stroppiness, or something else?
You said your DD has acted like nothing's happened - but how have you allowed that? If it were me, I would want to talk to her about it - the things I mentioned above, and how things have panned out now. I would create time alone with her, no distractions, in a positive environment, non-confrontational. But to just ignore the elephant in the room doesn't seem productive to me.
Of course you always must put your children first; but also, you can't indulge them if they are just being petulant or vindictive for no reason. You need to get to the bottom of DD's reasons.

With regard to ex-DP - I think you just have to let him go, and prepare to move on with your life. It is very sad for you, I know. And for your other DC - but such is the nature of step-parents (using that term loosely), my parents divorced and have had serious partners since, but not all last a lifetime, we have lost step-parents whom we were deeply attached to when they moved on.

I wish you well OP.

Jesus stop pining after him. It's over. Font contact him again. Put your 4 kids first and forget about relationships until they're older and more settled. Stop moving blokes in with vulnerable teenage daughters.

I hate to say it and I haven't read the whole thread...but is sexual (or other) abuse a possibility? Answer: It's always a possibility.
I think you need family counselling (you and your dd) to try and get some understanding of why your dd is so troubled.

To be honest, if I had been to your side helping you raise those kids for several years with all the good and bad things that come with it, and you told me a stroppy teenager’s wants me out of the life of the whole family with no proper justification but just because she feels like it, I would understand how little you value the relationship, leave it at that and go and lick my wounds in private.

He may have been fed up with her behaviour or the heavy work of parenting kids who are not his own, more a case of the straw that broke the camel’s back?

I don't think he's done anything wrong. The fact that you relayed what your DD said to him would have been enough for me to leave as well.

Then he left and it took your DD 5 weeks to come home.

Your DC have a father and your children will need to adjust to life without him.

Tbh if I'd taken on a woman with her 4 kids and she told me about an ultimatum her DC had given, I'd see that as she was undecided and walk away.

4 kids is a lot of baggage....but it was becoming excess baggage with your DD and quite frankly, lifes too short for that kind of stress, especially if you're confident and could find another relationship with a lot less stress.

What is your daughters behaviour like now?

Sounds like you put a lot of pressure on him and he was struggling.
Clearly the dynamics of the relationship with your eldest and him were strained and you did little help EITHER of them to move forward and build a solid relationship.
To me it sounds like he knew he couldn't manage the expectations and he couldn't manage to build a relationship with your dd and so he cut his losses.
More power to him, he's forced you to now put your existing children first.
Focus on improving your relationship with your daughter and looking at counselling for her to help her work through her issues.
Leave him alone. It's very sad and heartbreaking for all but I think you should respect his decision.

Also they already have a father. He wasn't their father .