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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My fiance left over my daughter (his step child)

58 replies

Betterlife19 · 05/06/2019 00:24

So I was in a 3 year relationship with a man I adored. I have 4 children which he had taken on as his own one was a few months old when we first started dating. My oldest child had started to become challenging for the last year of our relationship (shes a teenager) really nasty with words moody typical teenager stuff, the other kids loved him, it all came to a head one day with a huge arguement between them she left and went to stay at her biological fathers to whom I have the 4 children to, after a few days she called and asked me to choose between her or my partner,I told my partner and he walked away from that day as he said no mother should be put in that situation to do that and of course children come first. After this it took her 5 weeks to come home from her fathers and my fiance has never contacted me since. My other children are so upset especially the younger one as I mentioned she was a few months old when we started dating she asks for him every day still it's been 2 months. I've txt and called him to be told to never contact him again,even though we never fell out. I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
babbi · 05/06/2019 07:10

Also should have said that the mother is from a lovely family in an extremely nice area where drug use and crime is unheard of .... it’s alien to her family and distressing for all to see ...

Absolutepowercorrupts · 05/06/2019 07:13

So many lies, such bullshit threads to choose between. Do I believe this bollocks one or that total bollocks one.

Marinkazurie · 05/06/2019 07:18

but you didn't tell him that you had said "no I can have my partner and DC if the DC then refuses contact with the mum, then no she cannot.

MashedSpud · 05/06/2019 07:25

I can guarantee if you gave her and her bf an ultimatum like that she would be out of the door and your life.

LazyDaisey · 05/06/2019 08:31

What do you mean “he’s taken them on as his own?” They have a father and it’s not his place to pretend he’s their daddy. It does sound like the kind of thing a woman says when she puts her rose tinted glasses on and pretends “happy New family” with her boyfriend and encourages her kids to follow her lead. Then is devastated when it turns out he is a boyfriend and can leave when the relationship is no longer working for him.

Mxyzptlk · 05/06/2019 09:11

My fiance left over my daughter (his step child)

That's the title of this thread, but there's no need for the bit in brackets as you weren't married and none of the children were his step children.

He clearly viewed the situation differently from you.

Moneybegreen · 05/06/2019 09:41

What was the argument about, and was one of them in the wrong?

To be honest, it is a hell of a commitment taking on living with 4 children that are not yours, and he may have thought he should cut his losses now while he could. This might have been the straw that broke the camels back for him.

onedayiwillmissthis · 05/06/2019 10:16

Teenagers can be hell...I think many of us think about (fantasize Grin) about 'escaping' from them ...he saw his chance to escape and took it.

overdrive · 05/06/2019 10:31

I feel sorry for your youngest, but how had he taken them on "as his own" if your relationship was only three years long, they all had their own dad, and one of those years was trouble for him and your DD? What exactly where the trouble between them in the relatively short time of your relationship? How soon did he actually start living with you all?

He's gone now and has no interest in coming back. I'd say he was never as invested as you hoped and isn't cut out for the teen years.

But it's obviously a massive adjustment and feels like a rejection of you all. I hope you feel better soon.

Chocmallows · 05/06/2019 13:08

Babbi your posts make it sound as though you know the full situation and that OP and her DC are now better off. Why would OP create this story - attention seeking?

overdrive · 05/06/2019 17:04

@Chocmallows I don't think @babbi knows OP. She's just giving an example of a family she knows where everything isn't as it seems or as the mother says it is.

Hollowvictory · 05/06/2019 17:13

He thinks you should put the 4 kids first. I'm inclined to agree. It was lose him or lose your daughter. He made that easy for you by bowing out. Stop harassing him. Leave him be.

Bwekfusth · 05/06/2019 17:19

Sounds like he wanted a way out. Sounds like a dick.

Amibeingdaft81 · 05/06/2019 17:22

He used this as a excuse

I’m afraid OP that he was done with the relationship before this incident. He then leveraged it as his reason to go.

You’ve got to hand it to him. He leaves looking like a good man.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/06/2019 17:24

How exactly is he a dick?!
Go on any step mum thread. Every post will say that if they can't handle it to walk away.

He didn't want to stay in a home that was becoming a major battle ground. Good for him getting out before the marriage. That would've been really awful.

Ravingstarfish · 05/06/2019 17:25

Why did you tell him what your daughter said? Why not tell daughter to stop acting like a bitch instead.
Surely there must have been some lead up to this, was it a case of daughter is nasty, you take her side every time so when you made it clear to him she didn’t want him he left?

Kaddm · 05/06/2019 17:27

He made a very quick exit and his reaction, going so quickly with no discussion indicates that he saw the opportunity for a way out and took it, also indicates that he’d been thinking of leaving.

Also, your dds behaviour is quite extreme and I would therefore ask her straight out whether he abused her. The ultimatum and then the 5 week period before her return are quite shocking and I definitely would wonder what more there was to it than simply an argument.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/06/2019 17:42

Yea that's right. Ask the stroppy teenager who now believes she has power in the household if she was abused.

Maybe he did want to leave for a while. I can't imagine living with this teen has been easy. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back.
That still doesn't make him the bad guy.

Kaddm · 05/06/2019 17:57

No it doesn’t make him the bad guy. But worth checking don’t you think? The OP’s DD has a problem(s) and she needs to try to get to the bottom of that, rather than just labelling her stroppy.

mathanxiety · 05/06/2019 18:14

'The stroppy teenager' is a child, and the parent has a duty to parent her. This includes having the veil pulled away from the mother's eyes if necessary.

'The stroppy teenager' may not have the same rosy view of this man for all sorts of reasons and it is important to understand what happened. This girl was around long before the boyfriend was.

The mum and the BF have options here as to the relationship they have with each other. The children have no choices about the father figure in their own home if their father can't or won't have them living with him.

Many a woman has decided either consciously or unconsciously to ignore all sorts of red flags when it comes to a man who moves in and 'takes on' her children.

babbi · 05/06/2019 18:18

Don’t know this OP at all ... @chocmallows @overdrive ..

Just a situation where the child was seen as a problem but really was not ...
the mother had blinkers on re the stepfather

babbi · 05/06/2019 18:59

Exactly @mathanxiety ..
the case I’m talking about .. not red flags but yards and yards of red bunting ...
FFS ... this man had 2 custodial sentences for violent crime ... but mother chooses to ignore ... her dd apparently just “ had it in for him “ .... so sad ..,

NottonightJosepheen · 05/06/2019 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReganSomerset · 05/06/2019 19:19

Sounds very hard, OP, but I think it's a lesson in not involving your boyfriend in the lives of your kids too deeply too soon. Most relationships don't end in happily ever after and kids caught up in that will often get hurt. When your teenager is older and less self-centered, she'll probably regret her actions. She probably regrets them now, which is why she's ignoring the situation.

I agree with the others - time to move on.

pisspawpatrol · 05/06/2019 19:41

Sounds to me like he took the first opportunity to leave that he could find.

However, the fact your daughter felt the argument was bad enough to start talking ultimatums suggests that something is seriously wrong, either in the relationships in your family or the behaviour of one of more people. All families have arguments, a strong relationship between a step-father and a step-daughter would normally get over them.