Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

My fiance left over my daughter (his step child)

58 replies

Betterlife19 · 05/06/2019 00:24

So I was in a 3 year relationship with a man I adored. I have 4 children which he had taken on as his own one was a few months old when we first started dating. My oldest child had started to become challenging for the last year of our relationship (shes a teenager) really nasty with words moody typical teenager stuff, the other kids loved him, it all came to a head one day with a huge arguement between them she left and went to stay at her biological fathers to whom I have the 4 children to, after a few days she called and asked me to choose between her or my partner,I told my partner and he walked away from that day as he said no mother should be put in that situation to do that and of course children come first. After this it took her 5 weeks to come home from her fathers and my fiance has never contacted me since. My other children are so upset especially the younger one as I mentioned she was a few months old when we started dating she asks for him every day still it's been 2 months. I've txt and called him to be told to never contact him again,even though we never fell out. I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Heshotmedown · 05/06/2019 00:27

Leave him alone to find some happiness and concentrate on your children. It’s would be utterly unfair to try and rekindle a relationship with him.

FuckItFuckerArse · 05/06/2019 00:31

It sounds lime he got off and got to sound noble about it as well.

He's basically your youngest child's second dad and he just left. He could have stayed in the picture for her and avoided the teen if he really was doing it for you.

He sounds like a shit

Original poster
Betterlife19 · 05/06/2019 00:34

I just dont get that part were he cut us all off. As I agree he was a dad to my youngest it's sad.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 05/06/2019 00:36

Betterlife19 Are you the op??

Sounds like he’s done.
Not much you can do, teenagers can be shits. How is your dd feeling now?

Chocmallows · 05/06/2019 00:37

He sounds like he can't win.

He hadn't actually done anything to your eldest DD, but instead of saying to her that you were choosing them both and sticking with that until she came back with a better attitude or at least started visiting you packed him off.

He can't contact you or younger DC as you made the choice to get rid of him?

Original poster
Betterlife19 · 05/06/2019 00:41

I never got rid of him that's the thing,he just left! Obviously I love them both and children should not dictate adults lives. He chose to walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Betterlife19 · 05/06/2019 00:42

Whoops75 my kids are still asking for him my youngest still every day it's awful the teenager no. She acts like it never happened.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 05/06/2019 00:50

You told him, but you didn't tell him that you had said "no I can have my partner and DC". You said your DD choice as though you were stuck with a decision to get rid of one of them - so what choice did he have but to go?

Mxyzptlk · 05/06/2019 01:00

he said no mother should be put in that situation to do that and of course children come first.

Sounds very noble. The facts are, tho, he grabbed the chance to make a quick exit and now won't communicate at all.
He's giving no consideration to your 3 other children & I think he's a jerk.
You all trusted him and now he's bailed out, sorry.

SpaceCadet4000 · 05/06/2019 01:06

Hmm something seems off with his reaction here. You're saying that you relayed the phone call but you weren't actually making the choice to choose your daughter, he just took that as a licence to leave. But his reaction to your texts seems like he's hurt or angry.

Was everything honestly okay with the relationship before? He wasn't disengaged or anything? Or was he the type to hold grudges?

I hate to say it, but do you think he could have wanted a way out and he's used this as a convenient way to do it?

Thequaffle · 05/06/2019 01:08

Sounds like he had cold feet anyway and when the teenage tantrums started he decided he was done.

MyNewBearTotoro · 05/06/2019 01:14

What was the relationship like before this incident?

Unfortunately it sounds like he was looking for an excuse to leave. I guess it’s possible he is trying to do the right thing but it seems unlikely anybody would end a relationship they wanted to be in just to protect a teenager.

StillMe1 · 05/06/2019 01:17

You need to be very careful now. Your teenage DC has managed to change things to her choice. This may make her feel as if she has the power balance in your home

mathanxiety · 05/06/2019 01:25

I would sit down with your DD and talk with her.

Ask her if anything happened to her that she wants to talk to you about. Or talk to anyone else about.

Bluerussian · 05/06/2019 01:42

It is odd that he went so easily, didn't even put up a fight. Makes we wonder whether this was a good excuse to get out of a relationship with which he was no longer content.

I feel sorry for your youngest and would have thought he'd have at least maintained contact for her sake. No contact is so extreme in these circumstances.

There isn't much you can do but make it clear to your eldest that she cannot dictate to you.

Mxyzptlk · 05/06/2019 01:48

^^ mathanxiety has a point, tho. It's worth checking that out.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/06/2019 01:51

It does appear as though he wanted an out but felt being open with you that he does not want to 'deal with your baggage' would have made him look callous - especially given he became a father figure to the youngest at just a few months old.

I would say, given its been 2 months and you've not heard even so much as a whisper from him it's time to look at how you can move on.

edgeofheaven · 05/06/2019 04:37

He sounds horrible but honestly it's a story I've heard many times before (including in my extended family). New partner "loves kids as his own" until they become stroppy teenagers and then hell breaks loose.

I'm sorry OP but you need to move on, he is not the one for you.

swingofthings · 05/06/2019 05:33

To be honest, he probably had been considering going for sometime but thought things could be OK if your eldest was at her dad. The idea that she would be back was probably what took him over the edge.

I don't understand why posters say he is shit. Your children have a father, he wasn't replacing him, he was just another adult figure in their lives. It is normal they ask for him but they still have their father.

He is not conta ting you because he is probably hurting much and missing you and your three other kids, but he wasn't happy with tjecsitsluation and he knows separating was best in the long run.

I'm very sorry it has happened, you must be heartbroken, but he did the right thing for himself.

lunar1 · 05/06/2019 05:39

What were your daughters reasons for her ultimatum?

Justtickingboxes · 05/06/2019 05:39

If something escapes when you open the cage door, then it wasn't yours in the first place.

Justtickingboxes · 05/06/2019 05:40

Please don't blame your daughter. He just saw the opportunity and left.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/06/2019 06:01

I don't see why people are saying he's horrible.
Just look at some of the posts ok MN from parents of teenagers.
The emotional and physical abuse that they reign down on their parents is horrific. I wouldn't be surprised if OP has softened up the extent of her child's sloppiness.

And while yes he's been in her younger child's lives a long time that was contingent on a relationship with their mother. They have a father. It wasn't him. He has no legal rights or responsibilities to them. Why would he want to continue a relationship with children when he needs to get over a long term break up?! It's absurd.

The best thing you can do is explain to them that the relationship broke down and that they won't be seeing him anymore.
Yes they will be upset. That's not his fault.

Also I do believe you put him in a difficult position.
Did you tell your DD on the phone that she had no right to issue that ultimatum and that while she could come home with an attitude change he wasn't leaving.
If that were me and I was sure he hadn't wronged anyone I wouldn't have even bothered mentioning it to him.

AnyOldPrion · 05/06/2019 06:55

I think you have to look at each of their reactions separately and consider how to deal with each.

Difficult as it would have been, my immediate response to my daughter would have been that I wasn’t going to give in to an ultimatum in that way. I hopefully would then have asked whether there was a reason she felt so strongly and asked if she’d like to talk to someone else about her reasons. No good will come of her learning that ultimatums and bullying behaviour work within a loving relationship.

Does she know he left because of her? Presumably with the timing, she’ll have worked it out. I think I would now try to talk to her to find out why she said it and take it from there, but I think I’d try to communicate the fact that though it’s worked this time, it’s not a healthy dynamic.

With regard to him, it sounds like it’s too late to change anything. Hard as it is, he’s not coming back and you and the children will have to work it out. His reasons for going, and whether he has acted unfairly don’t matter. He’s made it clear he wants a clean break.

babbi · 05/06/2019 07:06

I think in this position you need to be extremely honest with yourself re your partner and the household dynamics.

I’m going to be slightly vague re how I know this family to protect their privacy ..
however in this scenario... the teenage DD was not “ selected “ by the mother and has now lived with the birth father for 6 years ... virtually no contact from her mother though the girl would dearly like it ...
she has effectively been banished as a troublesome teen ...
the reality is that the stepfather is an absolute shit and I don’t use that word lightly ...
trying not to be outing but ... alcohol and drug user , theft convictions etc so much more ...he is appalling but yet the mother tells everyone that her daughter was a problem ...

Oh and he also came out with the line “ a mother shouldn’t have to choose etc “ at the start of the bad situation...

Honestly... I’d let him go ...,