stepdaughter now living with us and I’m struggling 😢

[Amygull3453]

Hi all I’m new here. I am really struggling with how I’m feeling and just want some advice on how to deal with how I feel and how to change it. My husbands daughter has been placed with us by social services, due to accusations made by dsd of assault and neglect, she is 7 and all in all apart from some behavioural issues is a good kid. I have 3 kids of my own varying in age from 2 to 15 and I am really struggling. She’s been with us a month and as I only work part time and my partner works long hours the lions share of the care has fallen to me- school runs, after school care, tea time etc. She doesn’t see her mum so we have her 24/7 even when my children go to their biological dad, or she sees her grandparents and I’m feeling so resentful. I feel sorry for her but we’ve never been close as she’s had to hear her mother bad mouth me and her father for the last 3 years, I am feeling so selfish for how I feel and want to change my negative outlook which is why I’ve come on here. I feel miserable and tired out and fed up, I miss my family as it was and want it back- I know that sounds so selfish. I didn’t sign up for this and we chose not to have any more children for many reason financial, time constraints and the children we already had under our roof and now I feel like I’ve been given another child I didn’t ask for to bring up. I had so many plans with my own kids and can’t help but feel her living with us is spoiling those. She’s very full on, up at the catch of dawn and always full of energy and getting stuff out and leaving a mess, wanting attention and bickering with my younger two and telling tales even though they’re much younger. I am exhausted by it all and feel like my children are missing out as my time is now split between them and her. I am worried I won’t financsilly be able to do all I wanted for my children and they’ll miss out and I feel angry that I’m now bringing up someone else’s child because she’s incapable. I resent my husband and the fact we don’t have any time together, and I am absolutely dreading the summer holidays when normally I look forward to them. Has anyone been in this situation before? What do I do? How do I change how I feel? I honestly feel like taking the kids and leaving, being in my own without all the stress. We haven’t had the easiest of relationships from the start due to her mother and outside influences such as money snd court battles etc and thus just feels like yet another drama and more hassle. I am beginning to think we are cursed and worry the effect this and my mood is having on my own children 😢 please advise

[cliffwalker]

*kettle OF fish!

[hsegfiugseskufh]

ugh again another thread full of "you knew what you were letting yourself in for"

jesus Christ on a bike how many times do I have to come on here and say how untrue that is!

Ok, so you marry a man with kids, you know there is a small possibility that one day they will live with you. And you do think its a small possibility because lets be honest how often does it happen that dad becomes the RP.

what op didn't know is that her DH would continue to work FT and expect her to deal with it all on her own. You don't think that's a possibility because it shouldn't be.

OP's DH as a pp said, hasn't "taken on" her kids because 40hrs+ a week he is not there. He is not running around after them, doing school runs and whatever else, but he expects OP to do that for his child no questions asked.

I think as well its worth mentioning again that its really different moving in with someone with resident children that you know about and have presumably considered before moving in and moving in with someone who is the NRP and then having their child move in completely out of the blue with no prior planning or conversation.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

and everyone saying leave and let him raise his daughter alone... how is he going to do that with presumably no house, and no childcare on tap in the form of op?

[Hanab]

Why do we bash Step mums? People like Op need support .. situations change and it takes time to adjust. So many perfect people on here who do no wrong..
wow!
Keyboard warriors back off a bit ..
rather support OP with suggestions on how to cope.
I am all for kids needing attention and love etc .. but let’s not forget that they can be 2 handfuls, trying at the best of times and manipulative as well .. does OP have full rights to bring up SD as she does hers?
That is rules & regulations, discipline etc ..

Everyone including the children have to adjust to a another person in their home .. and the dynamics have changed obviously.

Nothing happens over night and adults can and do find it difficult to have a SC in the home. Every thing takes time ..

Give Posters like OP a chance and advice accordingly .. point her in the direction to get help obviously she is not getting it from her DH. His life carries on as normal .. OP has to juggle more ..

Please stop with the judgements!

[burnyburny]

and everyone saying leave and let him raise his daughter alone... how is he going to do that with presumably no house, and no childcare on tap in the form of op?

Presumably the same way a single mum does it when she starts again?

And meanwhile OP can adjust to losing his full time wage, that supports her kids, when she's seemingly already worrying about money.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

OP has 2 jobs - i'd bet it would be easier for her to adjust than her husband.

remember that her DH is paying maintenance for 3 kids presumably, that's a big chunk out of a FT wage so the loss may not even be that great for OP

[HumphreyCobblers]

So glad that the OP has got some supportive messages.

The first lot of posts on this thread is why I would never advise any Stepmother to post on here. It is awful the way a certain section pile on to any negative emotion, however carefully expressed by the OP - who in this case clearly spelled out that she wanted to change her feelings rather than be mean about her step daughter.

I hope things get easier soon OP, it is still really early days.

[SandyY2K]

It's a terrible shame that posters get slated when they come here for support.

Especially when she wrote such an honest post in relation to her feelings.

It's not a good situation for anyone...but as she has ASD... talk to your OH about seeking support and let him know you're struggling with the situation. Look at solutions together. What would he do if you weren't there? Who would look after his DD.