stepdaughter now living with us and I’m struggling 😢

[Amygull3453]

Hi all I’m new here. I am really struggling with how I’m feeling and just want some advice on how to deal with how I feel and how to change it. My husbands daughter has been placed with us by social services, due to accusations made by dsd of assault and neglect, she is 7 and all in all apart from some behavioural issues is a good kid. I have 3 kids of my own varying in age from 2 to 15 and I am really struggling. She’s been with us a month and as I only work part time and my partner works long hours the lions share of the care has fallen to me- school runs, after school care, tea time etc. She doesn’t see her mum so we have her 24/7 even when my children go to their biological dad, or she sees her grandparents and I’m feeling so resentful. I feel sorry for her but we’ve never been close as she’s had to hear her mother bad mouth me and her father for the last 3 years, I am feeling so selfish for how I feel and want to change my negative outlook which is why I’ve come on here. I feel miserable and tired out and fed up, I miss my family as it was and want it back- I know that sounds so selfish. I didn’t sign up for this and we chose not to have any more children for many reason financial, time constraints and the children we already had under our roof and now I feel like I’ve been given another child I didn’t ask for to bring up. I had so many plans with my own kids and can’t help but feel her living with us is spoiling those. She’s very full on, up at the catch of dawn and always full of energy and getting stuff out and leaving a mess, wanting attention and bickering with my younger two and telling tales even though they’re much younger. I am exhausted by it all and feel like my children are missing out as my time is now split between them and her. I am worried I won’t financsilly be able to do all I wanted for my children and they’ll miss out and I feel angry that I’m now bringing up someone else’s child because she’s incapable. I resent my husband and the fact we don’t have any time together, and I am absolutely dreading the summer holidays when normally I look forward to them. Has anyone been in this situation before? What do I do? How do I change how I feel? I honestly feel like taking the kids and leaving, being in my own without all the stress. We haven’t had the easiest of relationships from the start due to her mother and outside influences such as money snd court battles etc and thus just feels like yet another drama and more hassle. I am beginning to think we are cursed and worry the effect this and my mood is having on my own children 😢 please advise

You need support. Your dsd needs support. You would not be normal if in your mind, everything was Rosey.

You sound emotionally exhausted right now and you've all been through a lot at the mo. Please don't make hasty decisions. You came on here to ask for advice as to how you can change your feelings towards her.But that would come in time anyways. Maybe (and I mean this in the most nicest way) try to think everytime how you would feel at 7 being placed away from mum, already messed up, confused and sad.

Most crucially, your partner needs to take ownership of the whole problem. He should be bending over backwards to facilitate everything. And to whoever says you were to automatically sign up for this, god help a child if you were to take them on!

It does sound tricky, sounds as if you’re all adjusting. What about counselling for her, or play therapy through school ?

What a shame another poster coming on here for support and advice and once again some nasty people have pushed her away with their judgemental comments.
Hope you all feel much better on your superior narrow minded perch.

Honestly it might be better for you to work full time and say you will support your kids (and arrange full childcare), he supports his (and arrange full childcare), and any joint kids get 50/50 from both of you.

Far better for an abused child to have a nanny / childminder than to be around a stepmum who resents her.

You basically have two choices: work on the situation or leave with your DC. It sounds like you really don’t want to raise someone else’s child, which is fair enough. But your DH has to raise her so in that case your only option is to leave him to it.

If you decide to stay then DH needs to step up and do more for his child. At present he’s basically dumped her on you which isn’t fair.

OP I really feel for you and I'm not a SM. I have 2 DC myself and my DC SM and I are not friends but opposite people (she ignores them). I wouldn't expect her to take my DC on full time.

You didn't plan this and it's early days. You are being honest that this isn't sustainable. You need to list the options, pros and cons and talk with level-headed people. You can try on here, but unfortunately admitting resentment towards a DC will mean some will sentence you to hell without listening to your honesty and openness for constructive ideas.

Ignore the hysteria and look at practical ideas.

Ok, if you give their real ages and the real situation that might help OP.

People were responding to your post where you said you have a 2 year old and his ex was badmouthing you for 3. The dates didn't add up really with what you were saying.

This child should be as welcome permanently in your home as any of the others. It's hard. But she's so small and no doubt she's missing her mum. This resentment from you will do further damage. It's not fair

For one minute stand back and put yourself your dsd’s shoes and see things through her eyes:-

-She’s been going between mum and dad
-Dad gets a girlfriend
-Dads girlfriend has children
-Mum is abusing her
-Mum says nasty things about her dad and dads girlfriend
-Dad has children staying in his house all the time
-When she visits dad, dads girlfriend and children are all there
-She’s stopped from seeing her mum
-She had to go to live with dad and his girlfriend and all the children
-She doesn’t know how she fits into this new family
-Dad gives these other children attention
-Dad gives girlfriend attention
-She wants attention and reassurance but doesn’t know that is what it is or how she gets it
-Ultimately she may also be picking up signals of dads girlfriend that she doesn’t like having her there (kids are way more tuned in than you realise, I’m speaking as that kid).

She’s a child, trying looking through her eyes for just one day. You may see way more than you bargain for.

Op didn't sign up for nasty abuse on here did she ? I can imagine some just ready to pounce. If you'd have nothing nice to say....as the saying goes.

Op.please ring family lives. No family is perfect. When there is loads of dynamics involved, past , present, it would be overwhelming. You're resentful of the situation, which is part of a process. Whatever happens you all need SUPPORT, a way forward. Good luck x

OP, you're getting such a hard time on here, I'm so sorry. I'm not a step mum but I can see that You've had a major life change, you're under a lot of stress and you are a human being with only so much to give. That doesn't make you evil or unkind.

I would encourage you to find a counsellor or family relationship worker so you have someone to vent to, and get advice from. What you're doing isnt easy.

Also give yourself (and your SD) a break- this is SO NEW. This just happened. It's a major change. There is going to be a teething period while everyone adjusts.

Yes, you need to put the children first in this scenario. That doesn't mean it's easy, or that you're not allowed to feel uncomfortable, stressed, put upon. Those feelings all make sense, don't feel guilty for having them. Just do your best to make sure the children don't see it.

I agree to looking into holiday clubs so you get some respite. Also so SD has her own space and stomping ground, she must feel a bit lost in your busy home.

I usually read posts by step parents and feel like they can’t win on MN and get treated badly no matter what they say, not in this case though if it is real
Where else do you think she should go, do you expect your DH to refuse to have her, ask SS to have her fostered, be sent back to the mum who treated her so badly?
You have to find a way through this, if you can’t make this work your relationship is over, as your DH should choose his child over you and your children if it came to it and if he didn’t any decent person would run a mile.
You need to get him to step up and parent his daughter, at this time when she needs him the most he is just not there for her.
You don’t sound like you really would care about your SD feelings in all this and are somehow letting your feelings about her mum affect how you feel about her, the poor girl is being twice affected for having a neglectful mum, but if you look at it from a purely selfish point of view (which seems to be your way of thinking) if you and your DH split up over this you and your children will suffer upset.

OP I’m sorry you’ve had so many negative responses on here. It should be a place where you can say how you are really feeling and get support but it isn’t always. MN can be super judgemental.

You have a huge amount on and, it sounds like, very little headspace. You may work less hours than DH but 2 part-time jobs can be more demanding I’ve found and managing home life requires thinking about so many things at once. It’s very early days. I’d second what others have said: talk to your DH, see how he can step up, get counselling if possible, talk to organisations like the one recommended above who support families like yours, get your oldest to help wherever possible, cut corners wherever you can, don’t worry about doing everything perfectly, just do what you can to get by at this stage. Wishing you all the best

It's absolutely fair to feel the way you do. You can't help it and you made it clear from your first post that this was about changing how you feel rsther than getting rid of her.

Could you try to see if your gp could arrange some counselling? In some areas of the UK, you can actually self refer for cbt. This is what you need.

Ultimately, in terms of choices to change things practicslly, you are very limited. You can leave, you can a free with your OH to go back to work FT and he reduces his hours or all the children spend more time in childcare.

Ultimately, life with what 8 children all together? is never going to be easy.

My son wAs a complete shit head last week, he’s 9. Honestly if he wasn’t mine and I didn’t love him, I’d have really struggled to not lock him in the cellar!

I get it, unfortunately you did sign up for it, as children do sometimes change homes. My neighbours step DD just rocked up, she’s 39!!
She expected to be housed! 😨

Ask for help, especially for the school holidays , grandparents, husband, school holiday sports club.

You need to bond with her. It will just take time.

This doesn't make sense re the ages.

However assuming its real. .....you signed up for this when you got with someone who had kids. Not like you didnt know he was a parent. Plus he's taken on 3 of yours. Either find a way to deal or leave. The child deserves far better.

@Amygull3453 I am so sorry for the abuse you're getting on here. It's quite obvious to those of us who have actually bothered to read your op that you are just massively frustrated & worn out.
Fwiw my dp & I have had conversations about what would happen if any of his kids ever had to live with us & I have made it very clear to him that he would have to do something about his work in order to be here more to parent HIS children & he totally agrees.
Our situation is possibly different to ours in that while dp contributes to utilities & food he never contributes to my kids - their df & I go 50/50 on that - so he has not taken on my kids as such, even though he lives here.
It really frustrates me how some people believe that the kids of the rp are always supposed to be fine & not affected by changes to routine or family dynamics while the precious nrp kids have to be treated with kid gloves.
I totally get where you're coming from re your own kids & the negative impact the change in your situation may be having on them & I think it's also ok to have assumed that a mum will step up for her dd. We all 'know' that our oh's kids may have to live with us some day, but there's a big difference between knowing it & it actually happening, & again your dh needs to step up, share your burden & help you blend your family.
All that being said your dsd is only 7 and is going through a big change in her life - this little girl needs her dad at the moment, not you & the burden of her care shouldn't be falling mainly on you. As others have said a month isn't that long & it should settle. But it will only settle if your dh gets fully on board - otherwise your resentment will fester.
Where are his other kids btw?

You wouldn’t believe it if I told you the amount of crap I’ve taken since getting with my husband

This worries me. What sort of crap, and who has been giving it?

I get it OP. When my SD came to live with us full time as a very troubled teenager life become unbearable for a while...
In the long run though it's been ok..Very limited/No influence from her disturbed mother made a massive difference.

Your SD is only 7. You have tonnes of time to slowly build a bond with her and for her to bond with your children. Seeing that should help you like her more...
You need to speak to your DH and request he makes adjustments and takes care of her more. Your children should not be missing out.

OP you have been given a very tough time here. PI completely understand your whole life has changed and you’re trying to come to grasps with it. Talk to your husband tell him exactly what you need to make the situation work. He is shirking his responsibility and that is not ok

Maybe try posting on a step parents forum OP. Step Talk www.steptalk.org/forum is one (surprise surprise - they hate that forum on here). You're right about "pre-approved situations". There's little support on here for step parents as the genuine, helpful posters (of which there are many) get drowned out by Myrtle and her ilk on every single step thread, picking through discrepancies in your post to try and prove you are the Other Woman. They don't really give a shit if you are or not though. I imagine their beady little eyes lighting up when they see the words step mum pop up.

Your dh is paying the lions share of the bills to support your children...he is living with your children...yet you resent one of his dc living with you? That’s crazy ..it’s not one rule for him and another for you.
Poor little girl

Popsuey I agree. I don't like my DC SM, but I notice the trend on here that SM are often doomed on MN before they can post properly. Same thing often happens for MIL and if parents ever say they feel guilty e.g. for getting angry with DC they can ripped to pieces by a vicious few rather than supported.

I think the OP is doing well considering early days and being honest will be more likely to lead to support and changes.

OP, speak to people in RL and see what the options are.

For those saying he's 'taken on' OP's dc - he hasn't really though.
He's 'at work' whilst OP is doing all the parenting and running around.
Now OP is expected to do the same for his child.

HE isn't doing the parenting or running around and HE hasn't made any changes to his life/work to facilitate it.
He isn't doing anything more/different now than he was when it was just OP'd dc in the house.

You need to have a frank discussion with your dh about this.
It's not acceptable that he expects you to do all the parenting and childminding.
It's not acceptable that he carries on as 'normal' whilst you and your dc are expected to make all the adjustments and sacrifices.

You don't sound horrible at all - you sound exhausted and overwhelmed, upset and fed up. However, when you marry a man who has five (!!) DC already and then you add another three to the mix I think you have to accept that you did, at least in principle 'sign up to this'. When you marry someone who already has DC you have to accept that maybe, at some point in the future, some or all of those DC are going to wind up living with you. He's this little girl's DF for goodness sake - why shouldn't she live with him? I'm not blaming you for feeling the way you do, but I think you've been rather naive up to now. What if the other four need to live with you? Feeling the way you do I think maybe you should rethink this marriage. You're prepared to take on your DH, but not his DC, however it doesn't really work like that. You take on a man who has DC and you may well end up with them living with you.

For those saying he's 'taken on' OP's dc - he hasn't really though.
He's 'at work' whilst OP is doing all the parenting and running around.
Now OP is expected to do the same for his child

This is so true. Becoming a DSF is so often a very different kettle fish to becoming a DSM