dad's who don't like their children doing anything

[timelord92]

I've just come on for a rant really! We had a bit of a pizza fiasco happen today that just seems totally ridiculous to me.

My step daughter gets dropped back at home every sunday around 6, so today we weren't hungry so she had her dinner before she went and we had ours a while afterwards. Anyway, she was having a pizza and her dad went out to put the oven on ready. When he walked over to get something our 21 month old started crying for him (which i've not seen her do in quite a while) and was acting really clingy. He ended up having to carry her round with him as even walking away made her cry for some reason. i joked to my step daughter that she was probably gonna have to put the pizza in herself (take the wrapper off and put it on a tray in the oven). Sure enough he couldn't manage doing both so he did have to ask her to do it which she did, although he was hovering over her while she did. However, when it was ready to take out he was struggling trying to carry the baby while fiddling around trying to cut the pizza and not get burned, while my step daughter was stood behind watching it all happen. In the end I jumped in and offered to cut it up for her. He moved aside and thanked me but had to make a joke about my step daughter not being able to do it as she'd burn herself. She immediately jumped in to agree with that statement.

Just to clarify my step daughter will be 16 in a few months. Surely this baby-ing behaviour of my DH is not healthy. Why do some dads with children from broken homes not want to parent them properly?

What grates on me even more is that when he is cooking a meal and I'm sitting down he will tell me to do something or make a joke that I am being lazy in order to get me to help him yet he does the complete opposite with his daughter.

This isn't just one isolated incident but a multitude of smaller incidents that all add up to be quite annoying. Tho obviously my annoyance is with my DH rather my step daughter.

That is mad, indeed. My 13 year old cooks dinner regularly and doesn't need any supervision - exactly as I was at that age.

My 11 year old is a bit nervous getting things out of the oven so I don't ask him to do it without me next to him but am aware he's also a bit lazy and very aware of not wanting him to get away with doing less for himself than his sister at comparative ages, as often happens both with younger siblings being babied and older ones taking on too much responsibility, and with girls doing more domestically than boys, so I encourage him to do things even when it would be easier to do it myself or ask DD...

I'd cut things up for everyone if I was doing it anyway - sometimes it's nice to do things for others even though they can do so themselves obviously, but juggling carrying a baby and cutting up a pizza for a 16 year old who's just watching it all unfold is mad, mad, mad.

Presumably he's clinging on to doing things for his little girl because she doesn't live with him, but expecting you to do that when he has his hands full and it's something she could easily do is just ridiculous and not doing her any good.

Presumably she acts her age at her mum's though?

you need to stop enabling your husband in enabling his dd.
you don't need his permission to tell her to act her age.
The correct answer to "when will the baby do it?" is "when the baby is age appropriate - like you".

This isn’t a Disney parent thing, it’s just an overprotective parent thing. I’m close to 40 now and my mum will still not let me cook anything in her house as ‘I could get burned’. Even when she comes to my house she’ll stand over my shoulder to make sure I don’t hurt myself. She still thinks I’m 6 probably.

I agree op that tiptoeing on eggshells around dsd is ridiculous.

My dds stepmum has always treated her well (it's most definitely her dad that's the problem!) but also treated her appropriately for her age and dd considered it actually a compliment if she was asked to help or trusted to be able to do certain things independently.

Her relationship with stepmum was better than with her dad at least partly because of this.

I agree sometimes it's kid trying it on too, saying they are/aren't allowed to do X at the other house. Ex and I when he was still seeing dd were weirdly good at communicating on this score and when dd went through a phase of trying this came unstuck as we DID communicate with each other so the one she was trying it on with was able to say "really? Well I've just checked with mum/dad and that's not what they said!" So it quickly got nipped in the bud, but I appreciate sometimes that isn't easy to do, depending on the relationship mum and dad have and if they agree on such matters.

Which as I explained in earlier post caused other issues.

We also explained to her about different houses, different rules, eg I didn't like dd watching a lot of tv but it's on constantly at her dads. I said to her just because it's on you don't have to watch it, but I also felt as she wasn't at her dads that much anyway it wasn't a hill worth dying on.

"IMO not normal for a 14 year old child to call their mum ‘mummy’. Babyish." Sorry but on that you're being ridiculous, plus there's regional/cultural/family differences to this anyway, my parents called/call their mums "mammy" all their lives, my granny's passed in last decade, parents are in their 70's and that's still what they call my granny's.

I'm in my 40's and still call my mum "mammy" on occasion.

Plus it's harmless.

The reason why he prob joked about her not being able to to do it was because he knew full well she could but he's too scared to tell her in case she decides she doesn't want to come back.

The above comment is spot on! My DH used to treat his DD like a baby and do things for her but expected my DD who's nearly the same age to do everything herself. And he'd say "but DD is younger". Yeah 1 year younger and my DD did everything his DD is 'not capable' (she's more than capable) of a year ago too. His DD used to play on it too. It all changed when we had a baby together as thank god my DH stopped calling her "the baby of the family " and she stopped behaving like one. Family dynamics are much better since

Btw they're not babies. The girls are 10

I thought you were going to say she was 6 😂😂😂 how pathetic. I am lost for words.

It’s absent dad guilt. I think they need to feel useful and keep their children as babies almost to ease the guilt of their parents being separated.

My DSD is 9 and doesn’t know where the bin is in our house! My nephew at 4 will eat and put his empty packet in the bin when asked. DSD will say “finished” and hand it to the nearest adult.

I bet he won’t treat your toddler like this. Already my DH encourages our baby to fall asleep himself where he always lays with DSD.

I bet he won’t treat your toddler like this. Already my DH encourages our baby to fall asleep himself where he always lays with DSD.

What? He lays with a nine year old but thinks the toddler should be more independent?

Op I'm 47 but I am absolutely certain I wasn't the only 14/15/16 year old in my class who regularly cooked the family evening meal at home because both parents were out at work. She needs some life skills but I agree her df needs to be the one who takes the initiative not you xx

Oh yeah “Chucklecheeks” we have had that as well, the classic ‘I never do such a such at mums’ but we usually just reply that this isn’t her mums.

Precisely! “DONTmakemeshushyou” , you’re right on the money. We do all meals for her anyway even if she wants something else to what we have prepared. I just think it’s bizarre in certain circumstances why she can’t if she’s capable.

I don’t understand it really because she has cooked for us before. She came home from school last year having cooked a fried rice dish at school and we liked it that much we said she could cook us it another time. When we did get her to do this meal for us she cut up everything herself, while her dad got all the ingredients and pans out and helped her. She seemed to enjoy making it for us. But when it comes to using the oven we get a bit of backchat and she’ll say things like she’ll never need to use the oven because she’ll stay at her mums and get waited on every day or something to that effect.

She had chicken burgers yesterday and put one of them on a bun for her little sister too. She tried to get her dad to cut it because she said she won’t be able to cut it properly and it will go funny. This time though he gave her a sharper knife and we both showed her how to do it. After thinking about it though, she never eats with a knife at the kitchen table, she just uses a fork but keeps whatever she’s eating on it (even large items like chicken breasts) and keeps biting till it’s gone. I originally thought it was laziness though.

I’m not too sure whether she acts her age at her mums as we never ask to be honest. Her mum and dad don’t have a good relationship in fact they never communicate at all. I do remember her saying her mum doesn’t like her making toast cos she thinks she’ll burn the house down but that was ages ago.

Unless as someone pointed out earlier, she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to just get on with doing stuff, especially if her mum doesn’t let her do much. I do feel though that a lot of the time she likes being babied by her dad as it’s a way of her feeling like she is still loved.

Why is everyone being so harsh to the OP? If this girl is almost 16 why can’t she cut up a pizza? Why can’t she put it in the oven herself!?

This is the problem that we will be facing in years to come because parents are not allowing children to do things which they are capable to do on their own and will always need their hand held until their in their 40’s the same children who will probably be living in their parents home until their 40’s because they don’t understand the real world and need mummy and daddy to do everything.

My 11 year old is capable of doing things alone however I’m here to watch him if an accident may occur but it’s about teaching him responsibility too.

I know too many parents that baby their children and my partner is one of them his children are over 10 and still calls them babies and treats them as such. They can’t go and get a drink themselves everything is handed to them. I can’t stand it and at times I question am I such a bad mother because I tell my 6 and 11 year old to make themselves a drink? I think not.

I think the OP’s rant is that this girl is almost 16 and is more than capable of making a pizza if need be. At 15 if she can see her dad is being occupied by a baby she should have the sense to take initiative or ask for a hand. And for those saying OP is jealous of the time he’s spending with his daughter is a bit far fetched.

Start by having her cook 1 night while she is staying with you and progress to her doing her own washing etc. it sounds as though you and DH are going to have to teach her life skills as her Mum isn’t at this stage.
Good luck

Thank god it's not just me having watched 16 year old seemingly unable to read a pub menu or choose food or what to drink without half the menu being read to her and yes similar stuff in the kitchen . Think someone nailed it on the head when they say the father sees the daughter as the age they were when divorce happened . This daughter also enjoys the attention of Dad having a Mum who barely gives a toss about her .

It has nothing to do with believing they are capable or not, it's about doing things for people to be nice and helpful. Without a doubt, some dads take it way too far. Similarly, some SM seem to have an issue with their oh doing tbimflgs for their kids that is above what is their duty to do as a parent.

As always, it's about the right balance. There are many tbigns I do for my children that they could do themselves and I do it to be kind and now that they are older, I'm starting to see them doing things for me which they would never have done before even when they could.

However, the example in the OP is too extreme and it doesn't make much sense that dealing with a baby he couldn't tell his DD to put a pizza in the oven herself.