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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

dad's who don't like their children doing anything

66 replies

timelord92 · 02/06/2019 22:10

I've just come on for a rant really! We had a bit of a pizza fiasco happen today that just seems totally ridiculous to me.

My step daughter gets dropped back at home every sunday around 6, so today we weren't hungry so she had her dinner before she went and we had ours a while afterwards. Anyway, she was having a pizza and her dad went out to put the oven on ready. When he walked over to get something our 21 month old started crying for him (which i've not seen her do in quite a while) and was acting really clingy. He ended up having to carry her round with him as even walking away made her cry for some reason. i joked to my step daughter that she was probably gonna have to put the pizza in herself (take the wrapper off and put it on a tray in the oven). Sure enough he couldn't manage doing both so he did have to ask her to do it which she did, although he was hovering over her while she did. However, when it was ready to take out he was struggling trying to carry the baby while fiddling around trying to cut the pizza and not get burned, while my step daughter was stood behind watching it all happen. In the end I jumped in and offered to cut it up for her. He moved aside and thanked me but had to make a joke about my step daughter not being able to do it as she'd burn herself. She immediately jumped in to agree with that statement.

Just to clarify my step daughter will be 16 in a few months. Surely this baby-ing behaviour of my DH is not healthy. Why do some dads with children from broken homes not want to parent them properly?

What grates on me even more is that when he is cooking a meal and I'm sitting down he will tell me to do something or make a joke that I am being lazy in order to get me to help him yet he does the complete opposite with his daughter.

This isn't just one isolated incident but a multitude of smaller incidents that all add up to be quite annoying. Tho obviously my annoyance is with my DH rather my step daughter.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Banhaha · 02/06/2019 22:18

That sounds annoying. I think I would have maybe started cutting it up and then gone, oh actually SD you're old enough to do this for yourself now so I'll leave it to you, in a sort of oh look how grown up you are voice. Sometimes the subtle jokes etc don't work.

Original poster

timelord92 · 02/06/2019 22:28

Thanks for the reply banhaha. Surely it's her dad's job tho to tell her these things. I've had to mention things in the past to both of them but it just makes me feel like nagging. She doesn't like doing it and every time has compared herself to the baby by replying 'when is the baby going to be doing this'.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 02/06/2019 22:31

Blimey I thought you were going to say she was about 6

Potplant · 02/06/2019 22:32

My DCs dad still treats mine like they're about 8. He was taking them out for a birthday tea and told me to not let them have anything after a small lunch so they'd be hungry for tea. They're teens, they could eat 3 meals a day and still have room to empty the fridge. But he only sees them once a week so hasn't got a clue.
And some of it is ingrained habits. You get so used to doing everything you 'forget' they're plenty old enough to do it themselves. I still reach for stuff off the top shelf even though mine are both bigger than me.

user1493413286 · 02/06/2019 22:35

My DH and his family were a bit like that and I had to point out to him that she didn’t need food cutting up etc. I think it was to do with him only seeing her every other weekend and not really realising that she’d grown up as he wasn’t seeing the development of it every day and would just do what he always did. I also don’t think he had a very good grip on what kids should be doing at certain ages.

Smellbellina · 02/06/2019 22:36

I’d cut a pizza up for mine when they’re 16, I can’t see the big deal 🤷🏻‍♀️
I wonder if you’ll find it so concerning when your own DD is a teenager

maloofhoof · 02/06/2019 22:39

So you were just sat watching all of this? If he wanted to do her pizza for her why didn't you take the baby?

MarthasGinYard · 02/06/2019 22:42

'why didn't you take the baby?'

Sounds like this would have been easier

DontMakeMeShushYou · 02/06/2019 22:43

I’d cut a pizza up for mine when they’re 16, I can’t see the big deal 🤷🏻‍♀️
I wonder if you’ll find it so concerning when your own DD is a teenager

You'd seriously cut up pizza for your teens whilst trying to hold a baby? When they're simply stood doing nothing?

[Disclaimer: I have teens. They cut up their own pizza. After they've turned the oven on and cooked it. I tend to be at work when they want pizza for tea.]

7salmonswimming · 02/06/2019 22:48

Sorry, but couldn’t you have just taken the baby / pizza out of the oven? Hardly something to make a point of?

I also imagine that when your child is almost 16 and if you only saw her not-all-the-time, you might not think it’s such a big deal putting food on the table for them. It’s not like she’s not going to ever learn how to put a pizza in the oven when she goes off to Uni.

Rainbowknickers · 02/06/2019 22:48

God this was us 6 months ago
My stepdaughter wasn’t even allowed to use a kettle!
I was forced to sit her dad down and have a stern word with him and I still give him ‘that look’
To be fair they have both got a lot better but I’m working on her being ‘allowed’ to use a tin opener
I’m sick of pointing out that sooner or later she’s gonna be on her own in the big bad world and she needs life skills
It’s all about baby steps with him

AbeFroman · 02/06/2019 22:49

Yes, mine does this too. Think he's just in the habit of doing everything for him and forgets he could actually do things for himself.
Mind you, don't think he's particularly encouraged to be independent at home either. I had to show him how to make a piece of toast the other day and he's 10.

pikapikachu · 02/06/2019 22:51

If it wasn't for details like a toddler, I'd assume that this was my ex. We have a 16yo dd together who is very capable but her Dad treats her like this. We think that it's a combination of him being sexist (he'd say protective) and him treating her like she's the same age as when he left the family home. By sexist I mean girls can't do X sort of mentality.

Dd was telling him how me and her went to Ikea, picked out some furniture for her room and she built it and he was all😨😱 and asking why she didn't call him to do it. He was shocked that we got it in the car, carried it all upstairs etc.

Smellbellina · 02/06/2019 22:52

No I’d just cut up a pizza rather than stand there watching someone else try doing it whilst holding baby and trying to make a point. I don’t think it’ll matter how hold DC get cutting up a pizza will remain a non issue.

Banhaha · 02/06/2019 22:53

@timelord92 oh yes definitely better to come from her dad but I've said similar things sometimes when it's annoyed me. Such as not flushing to toilet because at mum's she'll do it if SD has forgotten! OH doesn't get what the fuss is about but I think it's disgusting so I just ask her to do it and say oh I think you're old enough to clean up after yourself a bit.

The answer to "when will the baby do it" etc is when the baby is as old as you are! She gets to do lots of things the baby can't do so maybe your OH needs to big these things up a bit more. You are right, it should come from him.

I don't know if these are the right answers it's just how I try to cope with it all. It's so hard!

SandyY2K · 02/06/2019 22:54

My 16 yo can cook her own meals. Unless a 16 yo has development issues, there's no reason they should be at risk of burning themselves when using the oven.

It's no wonder kids grow up to be useless these days....when parents resort to over pampering.

She can legally have sex at 16, but she can't put a pizza in the oven! Madness.

Singleandproud · 02/06/2019 22:56

Your DH should see what practical things she does in science and food tech if he’s worried about her burning herself on pizza.

This over protectiveness is probably why lots of year 7s are scared to light a Bunsen burner!

DontMakeMeShushYou · 02/06/2019 23:03

No I’d just cut up a pizza rather than stand there watching someone else try doing it whilst holding baby and trying to make a point.

And how old do you have to be before you 'just cut up the pizza rather than stand there watching someone else try doing it whilst holding baby'. Perhaps 16?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2019 23:03

Why would anyone be cutting up a 16 year old food for them??

The answer to "when will baby have to do that" is to look at her and say "when she's 12"

In your circumstance I'd have offered to get it out as its your child at risk of being burned and then handed it to her. Tell her to some cutlery out. Leave her to it. If she then comes n in and asks Daddy to cut it up, apologise and say you assumed she could use a knife and fork already

ourkidmolly · 02/06/2019 23:06

Sounds fucked up.

mrsmuddlepies · 02/06/2019 23:23

It does sound OP as if you are jealous of him paying his daughter attention. I get the whole, she should do it herself, but you might have held the baby so that his daughter and her father had the opportunity to enjoy quality time before she left. His daughter is not with her Dad all the time and they probably wanted a bit of time to themselves. You sound a bit peevish.

NanooCov · 02/06/2019 23:25

Is this more that your husband wanted to cook his daughter dinner (that she would then be eating alone) before she had to leave, and wanted to do it himself, rather than thinking she couldn't / shouldn't do it? And your step daughter not jumping in to assist as she feels uncomfortable as it's not her "home" kitchen that she feels comfortable in?

I'd have found it hard to sit and watch my DH struggle, no matter who he was cooking for.

Hazardtired · 02/06/2019 23:33

What nanoocov said ^^

FrancisCrawford · 02/06/2019 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/06/2019 23:38

I guarantee you she had made pizza before I’m home economics at least once or had a freezer pizza at a friends house or her mums. You should’ve said “I bet you’ve cut pizza loads of times DSD? Your dad under estimates you”

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