dad's who don't like their children doing anything

[timelord92]

I've just come on for a rant really! We had a bit of a pizza fiasco happen today that just seems totally ridiculous to me.

My step daughter gets dropped back at home every sunday around 6, so today we weren't hungry so she had her dinner before she went and we had ours a while afterwards. Anyway, she was having a pizza and her dad went out to put the oven on ready. When he walked over to get something our 21 month old started crying for him (which i've not seen her do in quite a while) and was acting really clingy. He ended up having to carry her round with him as even walking away made her cry for some reason. i joked to my step daughter that she was probably gonna have to put the pizza in herself (take the wrapper off and put it on a tray in the oven). Sure enough he couldn't manage doing both so he did have to ask her to do it which she did, although he was hovering over her while she did. However, when it was ready to take out he was struggling trying to carry the baby while fiddling around trying to cut the pizza and not get burned, while my step daughter was stood behind watching it all happen. In the end I jumped in and offered to cut it up for her. He moved aside and thanked me but had to make a joke about my step daughter not being able to do it as she'd burn herself. She immediately jumped in to agree with that statement.

Just to clarify my step daughter will be 16 in a few months. Surely this baby-ing behaviour of my DH is not healthy. Why do some dads with children from broken homes not want to parent them properly?

What grates on me even more is that when he is cooking a meal and I'm sitting down he will tell me to do something or make a joke that I am being lazy in order to get me to help him yet he does the complete opposite with his daughter.

This isn't just one isolated incident but a multitude of smaller incidents that all add up to be quite annoying. Tho obviously my annoyance is with my DH rather my step daughter.

I don't think you sound jealous, just a person wondering why a 16 year old is not automatically getting on with basic things.

Does he still wipe her face, brush her teeth?
I have a younger teen who would laugh at this.

If I cook a pizza for anyone I cut it up for them. Adult or child. We prefer it present that way, cut with a pizza wheel.

I think it's a major non issue, you're looking for an issue when you should have either taken the baby or offered to cut it up.

So a parent shouldn’t want to do something for their child just because they’re old enough to do it themselves? My 15 year old can do pizza from scratch but that doesn’t mean he does it everything we have pizza, that I do ‘t Want to do it sometimes, or that I shouldn’t cut it up.

What was wrong with either putting the baby down for 30 seconds or you stepping in?

My ex could be like this (he's not seen dd for several years) treating her much younger than she is and not letting her do stuff.

Dd is a very capable, sensible and independent sort and it drove her nuts!

This is a child who's been helping with housework including "proper" cooking (inc peeling and chopping) doing her own laundry etc since she was about 10/11 and at 13 almost 14 he was still trying to tell her what to wear, not letting her make hot drinks or get something out the oven... Even giving her far too small portions (basing it on eldest with wife 2's child who's years younger and not a big eater) and not letting her drink after a certain point in the evening!

The food and drink issues were particularly problematic as dd has a disability (which he knows! And has been told about these details) which mean she has a high metabolism and needs to adjust for that and also is prone to dehydration 😡 arse!

I don't know why.

I guess there's elements of not being used to that child, not progressing that child's age/development in their mind, not wanting them to "grow up too fast" but it's also not bloody listening, not tuning into the child's needs, not observing and making appropriate adjustments.

Maddening!

However I've also noticed it within other families where the nrp factor doesn't exist.

Dd is 18 now but she's got friends who STILL aren't allowed to use the kettle, frying pan because it wouldn't be safe 🙄

Certainly at 16 the number who were allowed to do very little because they weren't trusted to do certain things safely or to an appropriate standard was ridiculous!

I first noticed a very few cases when I was a scout leader, particularly on camp but it was rare and the other scouts also registered it as nonsense and encouraged these kids to have a go at peeling and chopping veg etc

I noticed it edging in as a more frequent/normal thing about 15 years ago when I was at uni as a mature student and a certain type of student (18, coming to uni straight from home, often but not always privately educated) who were utterly clueless on really basic tasks - budgeting, cooking really simple things like pasta or eggs, laundry (many mixed wash and shrinkage incidents because they didn't know to separate certain colours or how to read wash labels)...

Their parents had really let them down in my opinion by not preparing them, in some instances the lack of knowledge left them really stuck for money!

Infantilising our kids is not helpful to them.

"It does sound OP as if you are jealous of him paying his daughter attention." Rubbish! I'm hardly the great defender of step mums but even I think that's bonkers!

My parents divorced. At 16 at my mum's I was babysitting toddlers and fully self sufficient.
At 16 at my dad's he would feed me, and do all the washing up, I did no chores.
This wasn't because I couldn't or he didn't think I could. It was because he only saw me once or twice a month and it was his way of caring and parenting.
I did me absolutely no harm. I am a functional adult.
Him wanting to feed his 16 year old and cut up her pizza is his way of showing he cares, especially in the context of the toddler. It does her no harm.
Leave it alone.

Everyone saying OP should have held the baby or cut the pizza, why shouldn’t DH have held his young child who was crying for him and why should OP cut up an almost adult’s pizza, all so DSD doesn’t have to lift a finger??

At 16 I was cooking family meals to help out. Honestly, this incessant babying of teens is ridiculous. @AliceRR is dead right. Why should the op have to step in to cut up a 16 year olds pizza. Everyone moans about the snowflake generation - well it's our generation that created them!!!
No 16 year old, be they in an 'intact' or a blended family, should be sitting on their arse expecting two adults to wait on them, nor should they be asking when is a baby going to do things for themselves. Ridiculous carry on.

Thanks for the replies from people who understand what I'm on about.

To address the other replies asking why I didn't just take the baby. She wouldn't come to me or her nan who was also here. she was crying for her dad and wanted him to hold her and when I did take her she still cried for him.

Also, to the people who said why I didn't just jump in myself. Well that's what I actually did but the point I was trying to make is that I shouldn't have too. She was stood there watching, she could have offered to cut her own pizza up and put it on a plate (with a pizza cutter) or her dad could have asked her to do it. The reason why he prob joked about her not being able to to do it was because he knew full well she could but he's too scared to tell her in case she decides she doesn't want to come back.

I'd just like to add that she stays in ours every weekend till Tuesday so prob sees more or her dad than her mum.

I'm not jealous of her I just don't like all the tiptoeing around we do every weekend she is here so as not to upset her.

We have a bit of this. My job as a parent is to teach the kids to do stuff for themselves. Result pretty competent helpful kids. DSC really appreciate it. Their Dad would still be wiping the 10 yo arse if we hadn't all pointed out that he was being ridiculous.

He's still not allowed to go on a bike ride though.

My step daughter gets dropped back at home every sunday around 6

I'd just like to add that she stays in ours every weekend till Tuesday so prob sees more or her dad than her mum.

Which one is it OP?!

Banhaha Ive been trying to come up with something to say next time if it happens again but in a way where I'm kind of having a dig at my DH like 'she's a big girl now she can wheel a pizza cutter over it herself' so it's directed at him not allowing her to do it rather than her. I couldn't think of anything that sounded ok tho.

Cliffdiver She's not allowed to stay sundsy evening as her uniform is in her mums so my DH drops her home and picks her up from school Monday and drops her back off at school Tuesday morning. If she's off school she stays Sunday night

Why did you cut a pizza for an almost adult? And then complain about it? I honestly would not have even noticed what was going on, because, you know, adults do their own shit all the time and don’t need me watching.

I do believe in gradually introducing life skills to older children and teens.

However I think that some people go too far with this and have children doing things that are dangerous for the sake of it. A lot of under-tens are too short to use a work surface at the proper height and not strong enough to lift/pour kettles or pans safely. It also depends on the set-up you have at home: ovens are at different heights and some pans are a lot heavier than others. Just because someone isn’t doing a task at a young age it doesn’t mean that they won’t get there in the end.

For what it’s worth, I was allowed very little independence as a teen/young adult. But I moved out at 19 and, unsurprisingly, managed to cook for myself right from the start. If I wasn’t sure I just read the instructions on the back or asked advice from other students.

Ah that sounds like a good idea, I'll try that next time. It's hard to think on the spot now. It's very hard to watch when I think how independent I was at 12. I really hope my 16 my stepchildren will make their own breakfast!

I feel your pain OP.

Just had the two DSC here for half term and was about to hit the roof at the lazy entitled behaviour.

Kids 10 & 14 did absolutely nothing for the week. Apart from block the bathroom sink when I asked the 14 year old to clean her hairbrush and unbeknown to be pulled the hair out and put it in the bathroom sink. I then spent 2 hours tweazering the hair out of the plug hole and plunging the sink after it got blocked. Apparently wasn’t hers - funny..... as the hair I pulled out of the sink was long and blonde, I have short dark hair.

Neither children can cut their own toast, make toast (too dangerous apparently according to ‘mummy’ to use the toaster and it would be a deathcon 10 situation if they were to use the kettle.

I’ve now detached from it and let their dad get on with it. We should be teaching kids to become independent adults (not cutting up food for them at 16 - am presuming there are no SN)?

Be careful before bashing the mum in this situation. Both of my DC will try to play each home against the other... telling the parent they are with that they dont have to do that at their other house.

I have step kids that do the same too. My DS at 8 told his dad that i dont let him walk too far as he burns too many calories (he has a limited diet and food supliments).His Dad believed him and had a go at me. DS just didnt fancy going for a walk and had been doing about calories in school

Instead of focusing on what you think goes on in the other home set your own boundaries and follow them through.

What is your issue with your SC choosing to call their mother "mummy" @NorthernSpirit ?

You've mentioned it or alluded to it a few times now. It comes across quite nastily.

What does DSD do when she goes out with friends to PizzaHut or Pizza Express? Get the waiting staff to cut it for her?
Oh my goodness...

@overdrive - IMO not normal for a 14 year old child to call their mum ‘mummy’. Babyish.

Stating "IMO" doesn't negate the fact that you're mocking your SC for something completely harmless.

I have a similar issue OP. In every other way we have a great relationship and the kids are great.
BUT MAKING A DRINK OH MY GOD It's like asking them to make a full Sunday roast. There's a 9 yr old and 12 yr old. The amount of times they come to their dad and ask for a drink. I just say 'Of course you can.' and don't say anything else. They are perfectly capable of pouring squash into a glass and adding water. It's exhausting and seems to be all the time. DP will stop what he's doing with the other DSC to go and do it. I was making tea for my DM at that age.

Similar here too, OP, though not as bad as it used to be. DH and I went for couples counselling and the not letting his 3 DCs do anything for themselves came up, and the therapist jumped on it. He hadn't wanted to listen to me about it, but he listened to her, and whilst we're not out of the woods, it's got much better. In our case the DSCs are with us half the time, and DH did it because when he and the DSCs' DM were together she did everything for them (still does, from what we can make out, although of course we can't be sure); DH thought he had to do the same or they wouldn't want to come any more.

There are two types of poster on this thread. Those who see a single issue that happened yesterday and are commenting solely on that (i.e. those suggesting the OP could have cut the pizza or held the baby), and those who see yesterday's incident as part of a much wider issue. It seems never the twain shall meet.

To my mind, the OP is asking about the wider issue, not about the specifics of yesterday afternoon. It's about whether a dad SHOULD struggle on cutting up pizza when a young adult could do it for themselves, not about who should have done it yesterday.

Blimey. At 16 I was cooking all sorts of fancy stuff myself, never mind a pizza which is literally the easiest thing you could possibly cook. She sounds lazy. And your dh isn’t reallly doing her any favours by not giving her any of her own responsibilities like making some food.
I would have just taken the baby and left them to it. Nothing you can do as you’re just the dad’s partner/stepmum and your views obviously don’t count 🤷🏼‍♀️