Really peed off

[Isolatedsm]

Havent had my partners son over to stay for a while as hes been off the rails on drugs not going to school etc. Since the age of 13 / 14. Hes now 16. A bit better and partner asked if he could stay tomorrow night as his mum is going away. Normally my partner would go and stay with son at his parents but as they are not very well understandably they cant help this time. I've reluctantly agreed but partner keeps saying his son doesnt want to stay. I think it's tough really and son is a child so should do as hes told. I dont want him here either as hes not respectful. Partner said other option is for him to stay at ex wife's with son. At first I thought this could be an option but really I think it would make me feel a bit odd so I said his son is welcome to stay here but needs to do as hes told. Now my partner has just said his son doesnt want to stay and also his ex wife daughter with another bloke was staying with a friend but the friend let her down so his ex wife asked if he could look after her too. I just thinks that's called giving an inch and taking a mile. It's hard enough for me to see my partner with his kids when I dont have and would like children. Not only that, yesterday I saw him with a work colleague who had brought her baby with her to a team meeting and they were walking side by side with her pushing thr baby in a buggy. Now he wants not only his children to stay but thinks its ok to ask about his ex partners kids as well. I just feel upset that he even thinks it's ok to ask considering I would like my own family and we have previously lost a baby.

You sound just like my SIL OP, she has managed to pretty much destroy my DB's relationship with his DD I don't know why anyone would stay with someone like you when they have DC to consider, you sound like a spoiled child yourself. My DB is leaving SIL now and we're hoping it's not too late for him to rebuild things with his DD, don't be surprised if you find yourself in the same position at some point will you? Just do everyone a favour and choose a man with no kids next time, you're clearly not cut out to be a step parent.

@CanILeavenowplease I'm sorry for your loss xx

I think you're being selfish. It's his child and you can't say no to every single option (saying he can stay but only if he does what he's told - his dad can't force him to behave can he?).

I think you're letting your feelings about children make you crazy. I don't see the relevance of your DP WALKING NEXT TO a colleague with a baby (can you genuinely not get past your rage to see that this is objectively nuts?)

You got together with a man who has children. Act like it.

And I think it's fine for her to ask him to look after her daughter - she didn't force him she just asked and he agreed as it's his sons sister a.k.a your DPs family. Adults, living their lives, working towards the greater good for all children involved.

If you do go on to have children, please don't think that they're more important than his other children or that he doesn't need to see them anymore because I can feel you edging that way.

You keep calling everyone sheep - generally when people all agree on something it's because it's the correct or true thing not because they just feel like following each other. It's a cowards defence for when thing aren't going your way. It's what D. Trump does a lot actually.

I was also a step child. I don't have children, I'm only 24, but have a DP if six years who is kayaking with his friends. We're at a house in Wales having a weekend long birthday celebration but I stayed in today as I have an exam next week and am taking a wee Mumsnet break from revision. Neither lonely or sad... just stating an opinion. It's pretty unanimous so I would take a long hard look at yourself and your behaviour if I were you OP.

I'm not attacking you, these are just observations. Firstly I think your situation is quite unusal and already to your benefit, not your partners or the children. You now own a home together but it seems no provision was made that its both children's home period too? Only on your condition regarding their behavior. That's very unusual, to say about you allowing them to stay when they can be respectful. Most step parents have and do make a home including their partners children whether they are well behaved respectful or not, as a good father would only have it that way. It seems he's already put you before the boy in the current situation taking him off to other places. so try not to be too hard on him. Regards to looking after the exs other child, nope I would not entertain that. Lastly if you want children yourself you'll need to consider what you'd do if they go off the rails, because it's only fair that if you're making the choice to do it to his child you chuck them out to fend for themselves until they're sorted or dead whichever first

I also think therapy would be good to help you deal with the lost child and not having any children of your own. As that's definitely something that's at the back of your mind. Well that's the impression I got reading your OP, especially the bit about seeing your partner walking next to a pushchair making you feel uneasy.

I agree with PPs regarding it being unreasonable to expect your DP doesn't prioritise his DS. Especially because he's got a lot of problems by the sounds of it. Teenagers are sooo good at doing things purposely to see how far they can push you so you push them away. Then they feel they were right about you all along. Honestly that boy needs love and affection despite and even more so because he is being a nightmare.

Re you having his ex wives DD too-I think that's a joint decision that you need to have a discussion about. I'm not sure I'd be happy about that if I don't know the child. A day out ok but not staying over

it because you dont have kids? Does your partner not support you? Are you lonely?

Coming from the person calling everyone who disagrees with you a deluded robot, a vulture, a wolf, and a sheep

Can we stop making out MEN put women before their dc!!! It's bull. What has happened here and with a pp is that the df was to lazy or couldn't think of how to manage his life properly. These men just sit back and actively do sweet fuck all, while the dc, ex and current partner aren't happy. Moving the blame from one person to another.
No I wouldn't have a druggy teen in my house, but I also wouldn't let my dp get away without helping and supporting his dc proper.
I just don't get why we keep blaming the women?...

He puts the new wife first, the other women first, the dc first, the ex first! Nope he's putting himself first and doing the easiest thing that doesn't cause to much.

You sound deeply unstable OP and hugely unreasonable.
You came here for advice, so I gently suggest getting some seriously therapy in the meantime and please don’t bring more children into this mess of a relationship.

So his son goes off the rails and rather than being a supportive family - you ban him from the house and leave Mum to deal with everything.
Dad still tries to see his son ( good on him) but his current partner makes life so difficult he either has to go to his parents or not see his DS.
You now own a joint house - so you can dictate who comes and goes and one of your rights is to ban your DPs DS - rathe than help a troubled teen sort out his shit.

You have condescended to have the son for one night but clearly this is a huge concession to you and you are dictating this.

If your DP sees his son in his EXs house - you are not happy, his parents are unwell so that would not be too bad but hey he will also be keeping an eye on his kids sibling - which you think is the mother taking the piss - when the other parent is unable to co parent because his current DP bans his son from their house.

DS is obviouslyl well aware you hate him, do not want him in his father s home and will be difficult - who can blame him for not coming to stay!

Right - and all the posters are being unreasonable because you can not see you are being unsupportive, unwelcoming and think everyone else is at fault - rather than helping your DP parent his child through a difficult time in his life.

You sound obstructive to the relationships he has with his kids.

It's hard for you to see him with his kids because you don't have any? Give me a break. You see his kids as a nuisance and as his past life that you resent having around.

op you really do sound like a nasty person. This is a child you are talking about.
I think you should leave tbh.

How you can call yourself DSM is beyond me.

The boy has been off the rails, that doesn't mean you can decide to wash your husbands hands of dad duties. The boy still needs his dad - even more so while he's leaning to the left.

I don't think it's any real shock that he doesn't want to eat dinner with you or even stay in the same room as you. You clearly dislike him.

As for your 'treating each other with kindness, one big family, happy flappy, earth mother' spiel - laughable. You've banned your husbands 16 year old son from your joint home, how does that fit in?

The fact that you call the posters on here bullies when you're treating a teenager with such contempt is a joke also. Couldn't be a bigger hypocrite.

What did you want people to say? 'Of course your not wrong banning DHs child from your joint home, of course it's wrong that DH would even entertain helping his ExW, I think you sound like a wonderful SM and your SS deserves locking in a room somewhere he is neither seen or heard!'

You sound awful and I genuinely hope for the sake of DHs relationship with his kids that you decide to stop being so selfish, pack up and leave.

Rules and boundaries to abide. Children should do as they're told and if they cant there should be consequences to bad behaviour.

🙄 it's true. The best parents are those who don't have any kids.

Frankly you're coming across as a horrible person and I'm finding it difficult to have any sympathy for you (and I've suffered through infertility for a few years and know the toll it takes on your mental health)

This is your partner's child you're talking about. It doesn't matter if you pay towards the home, it's his dad's home and he has a right to be there. Yes you expect your kids to respect your rules but you don't throw them out when they don't.

My sympathies are with his mom who has been dealing on her own with their child's difficult behavior. Taking care of his son (and his sister) while the mom is away is the least your partner can do.

@Skippingabeat completely agree.

It's as though a teenager shouldn't be allowed a personality on any autonomy over his actions/behaviour.

Teenagers are humans. Who are learning. Adults get things wrong a lot (OP being a perfect example of this) but teenagers are not supposed to?

I think I the fact multiple posters are mirroring the same conclusions from you're posts says it all really OP. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's been objective and constructive.

Taking care of his son (and his sister) while the mom is away is the least your partner can do.

I agree about his son, but the op’s dp owes his ex nothing regarding her other child. She’s not his child! I can only imagine the responses if it was the other way around a man was asking his ex to look after his child with another woman.

You seem so shocked that there are people who disagree with you.

Can you try and see this from anyone else’s point of view? Your step son’s for example....

I am not suggesting for one moment that the op’s ss should not be able to stay with his dad in their home, and feel welcome (which he obviously doesn’t).

But I just want to put it out there that it can be so hard to have no authority in your home with a parent who you perceive not to give boundaries. Yes she sounds unpleasant and unhinged, but is there any chance this could be a contributing factor?

OP I think if you had just written about your partners ex asking you to look after her daughter from another relationship then people would have agreed. It's all the other comments that have taken the attention away.

I can sympathise with how hard it is to live with a difficult teen and as you're not his mum, it's even harder. However your partner is his Dad and needs to be closely involved. I bet that his son is fully aware of what you think about him and this is why he doesn't want to stay with you.

Is your partner's dd who has contact his sister? Treating the 2 siblings so differently is almost certainly going to make his behaviour worse. In your partner's shoes I'd be taking both kids to my parent's home. How do your ILs cope with dss's behaviour?

You are very unreasonable about the buggy thing. I don't understand why you're angry about him looking after dss's sister. Surely most people would say that was fine as long as he (your partner) cooked, tidied up etc

As this thread has progressed, I'm struggling to believe it's genuine tbh.

Calling posters vultures and wolves etc... Your words (insults) are making you come across as unstable.

Some children go through difficult periods. It sounds like that has been the case with your partner's DS.

There doesn't seem to be any understanding or empathy of what this boy has gone through and is going through. Some children go of the rails when their parents split...he's seen both parents with new partners. There's nothing in your posts to try and see any other view except yours.

With regards to your partners colleague and the baby, perhaps seeking professional support for your fertility issues would help.... I know it's heartwrenching.

If he don't wanna stay then don't worry about it

Just get on with your life...

OP - you are getting an overwhelming message here - you are way out of order.

DCS go off the rails - good parents support them and try to help them - not get their new DP banning them from the house because she does not understand.
He can not go to his EXs to look after him because his new DP does not like it.

Sorry you sound like a toddler having a tantrum - when actually the focus is a teen struggling the morass of life.

To be honest you come across a not particularly nice person.

Op unfortunately this site does not have many positive people who actually have anything helpful or nice to say they just like to criticise and surely cant empathise with step mothers situation.
I understand how difficult it is. I also wouldnt allow a random woman’s daughter to stay at my house. Not your partners or your responsibility.