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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Really peed off

99 replies

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 11:06

Havent had my partners son over to stay for a while as hes been off the rails on drugs not going to school etc. Since the age of 13 / 14. Hes now 16. A bit better and partner asked if he could stay tomorrow night as his mum is going away. Normally my partner would go and stay with son at his parents but as they are not very well understandably they cant help this time. I've reluctantly agreed but partner keeps saying his son doesnt want to stay. I think it's tough really and son is a child so should do as hes told. I dont want him here either as hes not respectful. Partner said other option is for him to stay at ex wife's with son. At first I thought this could be an option but really I think it would make me feel a bit odd so I said his son is welcome to stay here but needs to do as hes told. Now my partner has just said his son doesnt want to stay and also his ex wife daughter with another bloke was staying with a friend but the friend let her down so his ex wife asked if he could look after her too. I just thinks that's called giving an inch and taking a mile. It's hard enough for me to see my partner with his kids when I dont have and would like children. Not only that, yesterday I saw him with a work colleague who had brought her baby with her to a team meeting and they were walking side by side with her pushing thr baby in a buggy. Now he wants not only his children to stay but thinks its ok to ask about his ex partners kids as well. I just feel upset that he even thinks it's ok to ask considering I would like my own family and we have previously lost a baby.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/06/2019 12:13

16 year old should be able to supervise a younger sibling anyway.

A teenager who

has been off the rails on drugs...weed...smoking...hanging out with wrong crowd....not coming home at night when hes supposed to...

shouldnt be left in charge of younger children to pacify a jealous new wife. You don’t want him around you but you wouldn’t leave him responsible for a younger child? Doesn’t sound like you’re thinking of the younger child very much there.

so it's a reflection of teenagers and their namby pamby parents today if you cant bring your child up to be respectful and responsible by that age

So why would you want a child with this man who can’t bring his child up properly according to you?

Hefuckingknowsit · 01/06/2019 12:13

You need to leave your partner and let him and his child live an uncontrolling life without you.

HTH

Oswin · 01/06/2019 12:14

Course it's not insensitive. You don't want his son there everyone knows it. So he's is staying at the mother's house. This is of your own making.

Fedoratheexploreer · 01/06/2019 12:15

He just sounds like a teen who’s gone off the rails a little bit, but you’ve even saying he’s got better. Why on Earth don’t you want him to stay with you? Your partner shouldn’t have to stay with his parents when his son is around. How long have you been together? It seems like you’re trying to deny the fact that he has a son.

Do you have your own children?. I think it’s insulting you saying that a 16 year old should be able to look after their sibling, it’s very reasonable that some parents may not feel comfortable with this and that’s fine.

TacoLover · 01/06/2019 12:16

You sound a bit unhinged, tbh, going off on other posters and calling them deluded robots

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/06/2019 12:16

but a shame hes not kind enough to realise this hurts my feelings as I would like a child of my own and he knows that. It's a bit insensitive I think

Was it insensitive for him to walk beside a buggy? You just don’t want your husband to have any contact with children that aren’t yours.

Fedoratheexploreer · 01/06/2019 12:16

And your DP is your sons parent, so that makes him a ‘namby pamby’ parent. If you feel so strongly about that then why are you with your DP?.

stucknoue · 01/06/2019 12:16

Yabu, you have made it clear you don't really want him to have his son stay and you resent the fact he has a child. Your loss of your pregnancy is horrible but it's not the ss's fault. His ex asking for a favour is the sign of good parenting after a split, kids need to be put above pettiness. I think you need to consider support for loss because whatever the issues his son deserves his dad and really should be welcome in his dad's home unconditionally

Original poster

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 12:17

I haven't stopped him seeing them batvixen. I've just put some rules in place in a home which I own alongside partner. All I ask is that the kids abide by rules and are respectful when they stay. Have I grown up in a completely different era where these things are natural to expect, courtesy, manners etc. Rules and boundaries to abide. Children should do as they're told and if they cant there should be consequences to bad behaviour. For example I didnt want step son to smoke in house. Partner went and bought him cigarettes and tried to sneak them past me. That doesnt show unity or respect and it's not teaching his son the right way

OP posts:

ExhaustedGrinch · 01/06/2019 12:18

It sounds as though if DSS wasn't on drugs and disrespectful you'd welcome him in your home. Great. The fact he is on drugs and disrespectful though doesn't alter the fact that he is still your partners child and responsibility, he doesn't get to just drop him or not have him around because he's a bit of a messed up teenager.

Is it your DPs home or yours? Do you expect DSS mother to deal with all these issues on her own or not have a break? Your DP comes with a child and a history, if you can't handle that then you should honestly just walk rather than expect him to not have his own child in his home.

Inniu · 01/06/2019 12:19

If your partner is such a bad parent why are you trying to have kids with him?

booboo82 · 01/06/2019 12:20

wow you are a horrible woman if I was your dp I'd keep my kids well away from you!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/06/2019 12:22

You don’t have to have him in your home. But you don’t get to dictate that your husband stops parenting him and can’t spend time with his son elsewhere. He doesn’t stop being his father because you don’t like the son.

Original poster

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 12:23

I said 'should've be able to look after a 'younger' sibling if he was brought up with respect and taught how to be responsible

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/06/2019 12:27

But your husband failed him so he isn’t a responsible 16 year old. That’s the situation he is in and your DH has to make up for his lack of parenting now.

Original poster

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 12:34

You are a horrible woman boohoo for posting on here showing no support but just a one line negative comment. You are a horrible nasty bully who hides behind her computer and even then cant keep quiet if you dont have anything nice to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 12:37

Maxi - I haven't stopped him seeing his son elsewhere. Like I say he usually sees him at his parents house. I dont think I'm being unreasonable tbh. If kids have respect and manners then theres no problem is there. Maybe that's just how I was brought up and it's too much to ask these days. I've had step parents but would be respectful.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 01/06/2019 12:37

Your DH brought him cigarettes - that doesn’t mean he’s smoking int he house though does it? Even if it does, it sounds like they do it to wind you up?

He’s 16 - yet you refer to him as a child - he’s old enough to work, smoke, get married etc, I think it’s you that needs to respect him and show him some curtesy and manners

Original poster

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 12:39

Inniu I dont think he is a terrible parent. Hes not perfect. Hes a bit soft but I think a lot of men are with there kids. If he was the other way and too strict that wouldn't necessarily be better. I think us together would make a good combo as parents

OP posts:

Original poster

Isolatedsm · 01/06/2019 12:41

In the eyes of the law he is a child and he certainly isn't responsible to be called an adult green. If you think hes an adult tell me why he doesnt have a job then?

OP posts:

BillywilliamV · 01/06/2019 12:49

Parental love has to be unconditional, teenagers are vile but part of being a parent is putting up with that.
I think you need to get off this post now OP, I don’t think you are going to get the support you want and the wolves are circling.

Redred2429 · 01/06/2019 12:50

I really feel uncomfortable with step kids being banned from your House under any circumstances it is also their dad's house and so should also be his kids house too I don't have kids and would love to at some point but dp has a DD technically this house is only mine if we were to break up it would still be my home and he would move out but as dp lives here it is also his home and his dd home and she can visit whenever she wants if you are unhappy with being around his son really I feel you should have possibly stayed somewhere else when his son was staying as he should not be punished by being made to feel he is not welcome in his dads house which should also feel like his home if he is going off the rails then he really needs to feel secure and supported yes he should be punished but not in a way that makes him feel that he is disposable and that is up to your dp how to punish his children his rules his consequences op

Peperpiperpickedwrong · 01/06/2019 12:51

I've put up with his kids at my partners house he owned solely

GreenTulips · 01/06/2019 12:51

I have 3 teens - I do not rule the roost on rules! They are quite capable doing chores seeing friends and it’s not my place to dictate who when or where.

16 year old works 2 jobs, 14 year old has a new job starting tomorrow after finishing a paper round - other 14 year old is looking. Hes approched several possibles and looks like a summer job is in the offing -

Work doesn’t make you an adult. They need guidance, love and food.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/06/2019 12:51

Started a post and then deleted it. To be honest, words fail me.
I feel quite sorry for your partner. Did you keep quiet about your toxic feelings towards his child until he was committed to you in the house purchase?
Either support him in his parenting by welcoming his son (properly) I to your JOINT home, or let him get on with helping him elsewhere.
Now, are you going to insult me too?

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