Can’t bond w. Step son

[MsGrey14]

I have two children, my partner has one. Her child has Autism and attachment issues, but has also been treated like a baby for most of his life. As I’m not that kind of parent, he refuses to bond with me at all. I physically cannot carry him, and refuse to baby him because that brings out similar traits in my own daughter, so we are at a stalemate. My partner has toned her side of this down but his other Mum has made it very clear she has every intention of allowing him to continue this way because he’s her only one. My partner still allows toddler bad behaviour that I don’t agree with too and then I am left to deal with the consequences. I can tell them til I’m blue in the face that these behaviours are normal toddler behaviour that needs dealt with, but they make allowances for him because of his Autism and this leads to dangerous situations, my daughter feeling ignored (because he needs 100% of my attention) and my frustration.

Due to child care arrangements he is now in my care more than anybody else’s and if I’m totally honest, I hate it. I loved staying home with my own children, but this is exhausting and rewardless because there are no breaks, no fun and no affection, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I’m just doing what I can to keep him alive, on very little sleep because he gets up at 4am.
I tried explaining this to my partner that I find it hard and that my efforts feel unappreciated by her and her ex wife, but she tells me that this is my job as his parent but as we aren’t married, I have no rights to him whatsoever, I’m not sure that I am his parent. He certainly doesn’t appear to see my that way and if he had been mine, I wouldn’t raise him this way. I feel like my own children are suffering and so is my relationship but I don’t know how to improve things 😔
Does anyone else have issues with bonding? Has anything improved the situation?

It all sounds really unsatisfactory and I agree that it sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Attachment disorder and autism are incredibly hard to manage. You haven’t given us the full background of his problems, but in my experience it is usually best managed by consistent routine from a primary care giver. In your situation it is difficult to see how this can be achieved, it sounds as though he has a lot of people in his life coming and going which is likely to unsettle him.
I feel his parents need to step up and commit to doing the bulk of childcare. I also think it will probably get harder as he gets older, so you need to put your boundaries in place now, for your own sake, and for your own children.
You don’t mention seeing any professionals about his extra needs. If you are to stay, I would suggest seeking help from someone to manage his care and make a concrete plan moving forward-perhaps through the school? I assume that they will have to after more hours as gets older?
Good luck.