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Step-parenting

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Lovely step son just turned?

28 replies

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:00

Always been a handful but lovely. Especially with me.

EXW moved partner in after four months, after a year and a half of encouraging them to call him dad the relationship has ended.

Youngest has always been a handful but never anything beyond expected of his age.

Understandably he ks taking this hard. He was so young when my fiancee and his mum split so this is his first real "father figure" leavinf the home.

His mum has admitted he js just as bad at home.

I am happy to support and back up. But i am tired. So tired. We have a tenth month old that seems to feed off the tension. I end up having to baby the pair of them. Partner is brilliant but due tk an extension being built mainly by him i am left to deal with the kids. Usually isn't an issue, infacr usually i enjoy it. But due to life events listed youngest Ss has been quite awful.

To the point it has resulted in us habing tl be seperated for fathers day (i appreciate more for my sake than my daughters but i wanted a 'first' together, preferably with all three children regardless on the youngest issues) . But it is a christenint and the youngest SS behaviour is so bad we can't risk it.

We have also had to separate my daughters 1st birthday so both siblings and my DD can be together while still having my famkly time, as situations are so tense we want to avoid any atmosphere.

I love my SS. I do. But i resent the fact that his mum rushing things and pushimg something so quickly has resulted in us having to try and find ways around everything, and the end result is me being alone witj our little one.

For the record - step children have always taken prime attention when here. Even with myself. We appreciate how hard everhtjing must be and do what we can to ease it.

It isn't resentment towards the children k have an issue with. I feel for them. So much. I resent the fact their mothers actions out of impulse result in a shit storm for us.

Yet whenever she has even thought there were issues here she went mental. Yet we only found out about this through a general discussion with the kids.

This isn't what i thought i was signing up for. I just wish communication was free in regards to anything with the kids. At least bewteen the two parents. Yet it only ever seeme to be one way.

And for now my little one has no idea. Eventuallt she will though.

And if she is happy ro introduce people so quickly and demand the dad title, how many dramas are we all going to go through as a family?

Maybe i sound mean. Maybe this is the wrong platform. I will stress i lovs my step kids. I do. But i hate the whole drama being brought into our lives flr no reason.

For comparison my partner and i agreed flr me not to meet his ldis for at least nine months then say i was just a friend
At a minimum. But the moment his ex heard we were together she went and told the kids we were dating. This was three years after them separating.

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wowfudge · 27/05/2019 21:05

What's the bad behaviour and what are you doing to deal with it rather than separating you and your stepson?

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:14

We have a good behaviour chart. We spend more time with him (mainly me as i am who he asks for) . We stress anything good he does. Whenever addressed with bad behaviour we alwahs point out we know he is a lovely kid etc.

Bad behaviour is being physical with his sister and half sister (my dd) . Lying. Being rude. (Staring at whoever kd speaking and blanking) . Dropping things out of spite (the glare and intentional throw shows this) . Lying. Intentionally ignoring you. Breaking things on purpose. Knocking things over on purpose. Winding kids around him up on purpose. Ignoing no. Any please stop results in a full blown tantrum including throwing himsf on the floor and slamming things amd shouting. Small things in general, but this is constant 24/7

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slipperywhensparticus · 27/05/2019 21:16

Can you ignore his tantrums? I remove weapons fragile objects and walk away

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:17

I will stress jt isn't separating me with my step son. If anything we are closer in that respect. It is separating him from my side of the family as myself nor my fiance want to push it as they are losing patience with his behaviour despite being very kind to him and have no wish to create tension in the future once he has calmed down

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OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:19

We have tried. Especially as fhe place is baby proofed anyway. But it will end up escalating to the point of him calling his mum and expressing a diifferent view point (ignoring all that led to it) . There has been many a times myself or my partner have filmed something for a memory bank just to then have him act out and flat our deny he did. Even when shown evidence otherwise (mainly ro relax his sister who has sworn blind she didn't which she hadn't!)

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Tiptopj · 27/05/2019 21:32

It must have been hard for him to have a father figure just leave and I wonder if his behaviour is almost a test to see if he pushes you and his dad enough will you leave too. I think you need to reassure him that this(your) family is staying put and that you love each other. He need to feel secure- has your partner talked to him about his mums relationship breakdown and explained why sometimes adults split?

MotherOfDragonite · 27/05/2019 21:37

I highly recommend that you Google 'therapeutic parenting' -- there is also a very good group on facebook. It will help you to understand why he might be behaving how he is, and give you tools for dealing with it constructively.

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:39

Oh i agree. If anything i have been the one to stress that to my partner. There could also be a part of him that resents it is the guy he lived with day to day that has gone and not me. Im under no illusion that he was closer to me than him, day to day it is understandable he was closer to him.

We can't even discuss it with the two step kids. Their mum has explained that she has told the youngest but not the eldest. Eldest thinks he is at his mums due to beign ill. Puts us in a difficult place as we can't throw anything in the mix directly, nor do we want to ignite the conversation wkth the youngest and then have him slipping it all on our time and causing an outbreak.

I have considered taking the youngest aside (purely as he speaks to me more freely - guessing due to being raised by women) and asking him whar is going on and if there id anything he wants to speak about. And although i know DF would have no issue with this, i don't want to overstep my mark.

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OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:41

Haven't got fb but i will google therapeutic parenting. I want to help him. He may drive me to wine but i love him! It's sad because i see the sweet, cuddly side of him and no one else sees that

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slipperywhensparticus · 27/05/2019 21:46

How old is he? Why does he know and not the elder one?

CityStroll · 27/05/2019 21:48

How old is he? From the time scales it sounds like 5 at the absolute minimum?
Is this all completely new behaviour or is it just a worsened version of before?
The lack of self control regardless of consequences, lack of empathy with the effect of behaviour on other people and destructive/excessive tantrums is like my autistic spectrum child's behaviour at early primary school age. May be worth having a look into, it sounds quite excessive to purely be down to the stepfather leaving.

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:50

Youngest is 7, eldest is 10. Reason their mum gave their dad was due to eldest doing SATS.

Not something i or my partner agreed with but isn't my place to exactly say anything. Just makes things incredibly difficult for us to help them through it all.

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OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:53

Youngest was one when they seperated. Behaviour is a worsened version of before. He was never such a handful, and tbh i always put it down to my DF being a disney dad and his exW spoiling him

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wowfudge · 27/05/2019 21:55

You need to park your feelings and resentments and discuss with their mother how the situation is addressed with both children. They both need to know and withholding the truth from the eldest is awful. Is the youngest behaving like this because he knows his sibling doesn't know?

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 21:59

I honestly don't know. Personally i think it is far too big a burden to hold on a child. Partner tried addressing it since we found out (three weeks ago when the kids discussed who was coming to the eldest party) . It was ignored via email (multiple) until exW saw him at a kids party.

Likely is causing the poor little mite a lot of issues. Far too young to hold that kind of burden.

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OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 27/05/2019 22:02

I will stress my resentment lies with the exW. I don't blame the children at all. They are stuck in such a mess.

But i can't help but resent she is a constant presence in our life. If she hears we have done the quietest words (even ig not true) between us, she sends multiple emails, ignoring being reassured nothing is wronf etc.

Yet somehow we get left picking up the pieces ans it results in is having to navigate things which means kt is jist smarter if we separate for the day

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overdrive · 27/05/2019 23:18

I think he needs his dad to step up. You write a lot about how close you are to him. That's nice, but he's lost the man you refer to as a father figure", you say his dad isn't around much, he spends more time with you, that he asks for you before his dad, and confides in you before his dad.

I find that really sad to be honest.

stuffedpeppers · 28/05/2019 00:04

Am struggling why the EXs DP was his father figure.
He has a father who seems to be not doing his job - that has nothing to do with the EX and all about him.

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 28/05/2019 07:28

Df is very involved. I purely use the term father like figure as this would have been the only man SS would remember living at home.

He hasn't been around as much the last few weeks for any of us due to a tight deadline to get extention done. He is mainly doing it himself.

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slipperywhensparticus · 28/05/2019 10:21

Sats are over take the pressure off the youngest

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 28/05/2019 10:48

Personally i agree completely. Problem is exW will rarely, if ever communicate with my partner. And it isn't a decision DF feels we should take out of her hands. She has a history of being very nasty and difficult (ignoring court orders and the like).

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SoupDragon · 28/05/2019 11:02

All the things you describe him doing are what my DS2 did at that age. He was always "lively" but between 7 and 9 he was awful. When he was in year 3 was the peak. The "disappearing father figure" might be a red herring so I would just focus on the behaviour itself.

(DS2 is 18 now and his teenage years were problem free!)

OverwhelmedandConfused200 · 28/05/2019 16:21

Soup - how did you cope/what helped him cope through it all?

I've never known a child of around that age that has acted in that manner consistently without there being so underlining issue, so perhaps i am seeing connections when they aren't there.

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SoupDragon · 28/05/2019 17:35

I think I just managed his behaviour with calm consistency. It seems so long ago now! We used to refer to them as his "volcano moments" and discuss them calmly afterwards - once he came out of them he was able to recognise it as being "bad" but it was obvious that he couldn't stop them at the time. The deliberate needling of people he does still do occasionally (usually his sister).

I don't think you are necessarily going to find a definite cause (and if it is the disappearing father figure you can't solve that anyway) so just dealing with the behaviour and making sure he feels secure and loved might be the way to go.

SoupDragon · 28/05/2019 17:36

From memory, I think his school offered him the same calming stuff they offered the children with ASD - so, access to a calm spot or techniques to vent frustration in other ways. They were very good about it.