Lovely step son just turned?

[OverwhelmedandConfused200]

Always been a handful but lovely. Especially with me.

EXW moved partner in after four months, after a year and a half of encouraging them to call him dad the relationship has ended.

Youngest has always been a handful but never anything beyond expected of his age.

Understandably he ks taking this hard. He was so young when my fiancee and his mum split so this is his first real "father figure" leavinf the home.

His mum has admitted he js just as bad at home.

I am happy to support and back up. But i am tired. So tired. We have a tenth month old that seems to feed off the tension. I end up having to baby the pair of them. Partner is brilliant but due tk an extension being built mainly by him i am left to deal with the kids. Usually isn't an issue, infacr usually i enjoy it. But due to life events listed youngest Ss has been quite awful.

To the point it has resulted in us habing tl be seperated for fathers day (i appreciate more for my sake than my daughters but i wanted a 'first' together, preferably with all three children regardless on the youngest issues) . But it is a christenint and the youngest SS behaviour is so bad we can't risk it.

We have also had to separate my daughters 1st birthday so both siblings and my DD can be together while still having my famkly time, as situations are so tense we want to avoid any atmosphere.

I love my SS. I do. But i resent the fact that his mum rushing things and pushimg something so quickly has resulted in us having to try and find ways around everything, and the end result is me being alone witj our little one.

For the record - step children have always taken prime attention when here. Even with myself. We appreciate how hard everhtjing must be and do what we can to ease it.

It isn't resentment towards the children k have an issue with. I feel for them. So much. I resent the fact their mothers actions out of impulse result in a shit storm for us.

Yet whenever she has even thought there were issues here she went mental. Yet we only found out about this through a general discussion with the kids.

This isn't what i thought i was signing up for. I just wish communication was free in regards to anything with the kids. At least bewteen the two parents. Yet it only ever seeme to be one way.

And for now my little one has no idea. Eventuallt she will though.

And if she is happy ro introduce people so quickly and demand the dad title, how many dramas are we all going to go through as a family?

Maybe i sound mean. Maybe this is the wrong platform. I will stress i lovs my step kids. I do. But i hate the whole drama being brought into our lives flr no reason.

For comparison my partner and i agreed flr me not to meet his ldis for at least nine months then say i was just a friend
At a minimum. But the moment his ex heard we were together she went and told the kids we were dating. This was three years after them separating.

We always make a point of praising good behaviour, whenever negative behaviour is discussed it is always stressed we know he isn't that kind of lad etc.

Thing is he doesn't register anything he does as being bad. Nor does he appreciate the damage or anything. He will flat out lie, then when caught out he was strop/call his mum/tantrum on the floor.

I have had yet another discussion with DF about how him and his ex need to sit and work a plan out between them on how to handle him so there is consistency between houses.

Both step children get one on one time when they are here, with both of us. But the weekends they are here are literally the only family time we all have together as partner works long hours and the weekends we don't have them.

It's becoming quite draining for me to know we can't even go anywhere as a family anymore due to his behaviour. It feels like I've taken on being a single mum while also taken on all the drama of a partner with children.

Anytime we get together revolves around SS making such an awful atmosphere in the house. To the point that i even end up with a very out of character baby the next day, moody, miserable, moaning all day. Pure hard work where usually she rarely so much as moans. After a weekend of navigating all that just to then have my own start to act up, its hard.

I don't blame my SS. Whatever there is there is something going on with him. I blame the lack of co-parenting between the two parents.

Its reaching the point I'm considering walking away. The whole situation makes me anxious and makes me feel awful as no adult should dred seeing a child they love. And i do love him. I just dred the change in dynamics and how there is literally barely anything i am in control of doing. Yet i am meant to just put up with it.

Yet when my niece (4) went through an awful faze, my DF was very vocal about it ruining the atmosphere and dynamic etc and would admit himself he dreaded when she came as sister didn't parent and allowed her to act out. That was for a few hours here and there. So he obviously understands how frustrsting it is to be unable to do anything while having your home become a war zone.

His primary relationship in your home should be with his dad.

I’m not convinced the change in his behaviour is down to his mum’s bf leaving but if you think it is there’s even more reason his actual dad has to be around, physically and mentally, as his son’s anchor and stability. It’s nice you two are close, I’m very involved with my own step children, but I’m a bonus parent and my husband coped just fine before we got together. If you’re considering walking away, a valid choice of course, then you have to pull back enough to get his dad to step up and spend more time with him. It’s a fact that if you do break up you may never see your DSC again so you can’t let things carry on with you being the adult he seeks out as that’s putting him is a horribly vulnerable place and he’s only just lost a step parent! It’s not your job to be his primary relationship at his dad’s. It was a big mistake to ever let that happen. I’m sure your partner is busy, everyone’s busy, but my DH doesn’t commit to anything that makes him unavailable to his children. He wishes he saw them more as it is so he wouldn’t leave me acting as a single parent juggling step children and the baby because he’s not irresponsible or selfish and I’m not a doormat.

You can’t do anything about what happens at the ex’s house or in her life. You can cope the best you can with his behaviour when he’s in your home and you can push back hard to make sure you’re not left dealing with everything while their dad absents himself from family life which everyone knows can be exhausting and stressful but it’s something you can opt out of.

Agreed completely. In general he is the primary carer but due to having to rent equipment for building work he has had to squish whatever free time he has into a limited window. It has only been that way the last two weekends and won't be that way from here on out as there will be no need to push so hard.

I think his main downfall as a parent is finding it hard to "switch on", he gets better discipline wise as the weekend goes on. But ot is inconsistent so most likely SS has no idea where he stands.

I have said multiple times that it is now more than ever he needs to make it apparent to his SS he isn't going anywhere and will always be there for him.

Just shitty timing and even worse that we weren't even aware of the break up until a few months later. Which left us both scratching heads as to why.

I have told DF that not only does SS need him, he also needs to take full responsibility for when he is here. As not only will it be detrimental for SS and zmy own relationship together (who wants someons that isn't their mum disciplining them?) . He may miss things, then SS goes to ask DF and in turn he says yes (unaware he has been banned for a bit from xbox or whatever due to getting nasty) . Then not only am i left undermined, SS is left confused and I'm left even more frustrated.

It was never intentional that i became his primary relationship here, i think when we met as beyond seeing his dad he was maknly used to women, he took comfort in me when away from his mum. DF is very affectionate with the children but not really a cuddler (even with me or our dd) and SS is very much a little cuddle monster. So we bonded from there. I guess he took comfort from a womans approach to things. I don't know.

Anne - i have shown my DF your post. He agrees with all you have said. I have used thst to bounce off of and point out how he is not only ruining his relationship with his son, he is ruining my relationship with his son and in turn me and DF relationship is being ruined.

I have told him if things don't change between how the behaviour is managed (i don't expect SS to suddenly become an angel over night) . Then we will need to look at separating our lives on the weekends he has the children for all of our best interests.

He isn't a bad dad. Far from. He loves them through and throuhh and when they are here he dotes on them. If anything i think that is part of the problem as he has allowed behaviour he normally is set against purely out of missing them and wanting to enjoy every second.

Difference is he shouldn't be then relying on someone else to be the bad guy for him.

It isn't even like i can remove myself feom the situation for a bit. If i go to our room i can still hear the shouting/tantrums. Or things being broken. Things qe have brought together.

I can deal with a kid with bad behaviour, my niece was a nightmare. I love her to bits, but jesus i would dred anytime she would come round with her mum. As she knew she could get away with anything.

I am by no means wicked, or mean or strict. I'm really not. Just basic age appropriate manners.

We took them to his mums a few weeks ago and SS was awful, to the point that his usual relaxed mum even got snappy.

The other day i asked him.nicely multiple times to help me tidy the mess he made. He just stared through me over and over again. When i finally declared i wouldn't expect that behaviour from anyone, not even DD once she was older. I got a tantrum. Even more of one when i said that meant less screen time that day (agreed beteeen me and df in general) Df was using the digger outside so didn't hear anything. Two seconds later when my back is turned SS is asking to use xbox to Df, unaware of what has happened he agreed. Then I'm stuck between either being completely undermined or looking like the wicked witch. Cos even if i went to DF about it and he backed me up, I'm still the one who went and called daddy. Which would then result in another even worse tantrum, or calling his mum. Which then causes even more problems as exW thrives on it.

I am hoping it was only these last couple weekends it has been harder for me. As i have explained he is usually involved but due to expensive rental of equipment and limited time, he did have to focus on that. Which was for our family as it gives us all more room and independence.

Df feels awful for how his son has been. He is aware of the impact. Has admitted himself he has been a little shit for months. I'm just so tired.

As i explained before he works such long hours that he is rarely home when the baby is awake, or if he is it is for ten minutes max. The only window i ever get for any kind of break from "mum life" is every other weekend. Adding the issues we've been having into that mix just makes me feel like i wojld have more of a break as a single mum because i at least wouldn't have tl deal with all the rest of the stuff that makes my life harder.

It's reached the point that for the last few months I've been getting anxiety when i know they are coming. Not because i don't love them i I genuienly do. But because i just hate the atmosphere.