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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepsons have cut contact with their dad

40 replies

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 11:44

My partner has two sons 8 and 10 i have a son and daughter 18 and 17 and we have two daughters together 1 and 2. His sons stayed with us every second weekend fri-sun for about a year when our first daughter was born the eldest started makibg excuses not to stay he would come maube once a month we organised really fun stuff incase he was bored when he called my partner really went above n beyond to make them confortable amd had everything they needed. He stopped coming over completly after our second daughter was born then his other son stopped too they just said they would think about coming but never did. My partner asked would they have a day out with him instead of an overnight but thats a no too anything he sugests as in go karting cinema etc they just say no thanks we don't like doing that anymore. Anyway he's so heartbroken by this they don't phone anymore it used to be every night now nothing. He blames himself for moving on and hurting them by leaving their mam who wont communicate with my partner she says she wont make her kids do things they don't want to. He tried for them all to go to counselling without success now hes no option but to go to court for access but can a court make children go to a parent if they don't want to. My partner is a brilliant loving father not overly strict so we can only assume its jealousy of the babies and they feel they have lost their dad we are all hearrbroken as our blended family seemed to be working great. Their mother is in a new relationship and i feel my partner is being pushed aside as hes not needed as in when she works or school holidays her boyfriend minds the kids where they used to come stay with us any opinions on this much appreciated

OP posts:

titchy · 25/05/2019 11:47

At ages 8 and 10 of course they can. He should have done this a year ago.

SleepingSloth · 25/05/2019 12:02

It's a shame their mum won't communicate with their dad. But I can understand her not making them see their dad if they don't want to. Personally I think they are to old to force them to see their dad if they don't want to.

Littlefish · 25/05/2019 12:11

I don't think it's a case of forcing them to go. At 8 and 10, their mother presumably organises their family and social life.

Unless there are issues that haven't been shared here, the children should be given every opportunity to have an on going relationship with their father. It doesn't sound like this is happening.

Please speak to a solicitor.

Original poster

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 12:35

Theres no issues that we know of. Hes spoken to their teachers in school to try find out if they had any idea of how the boys feel as the mother will have no contact. The teachers basically said one of the boys comes across as having slight anxiety which is why my partner wanted to go down the counselling road instead of makibg them go see him through a court. After they stopped seeing their dad they still rang everynight chatting for sometimes an hour but as soon as he would mention meeting up they clam up if he asks them to ring their nan she misses them they wont ring him for a week to avoid ansering to why they didnt ring the nan!

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/05/2019 14:52

They are old enough to be listened to by the courts, especially now after so much time has passed. Adults often feel the blended family is fine, the children often have a very different view,

EOW contact wasn't much and with two new small children it would mean even less time likely. He shouldn't be pressuring them to call their gran etc either. They are just children.

swingofthings · 25/05/2019 15:33

Does you oh attend performance or sporting events they compete in? Does he go to their teachers evenings? Does he take them on holidays? Does he know their school friends names, does he take them to take them to parties, football or whatever they play?

Original poster

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 19:03

Yes he would have went up twice a week to bring them to football and karate, its an hour drive away outside of peak driving times and sometimes they just wouldn't want to go to activities. I understand you cant make kids if this age stay sonewhwre they areny happy to be we just wish we knew why they weren't happy and posted in the hope anyone else had this dilemma with step children

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 25/05/2019 19:26

It seems like you think mum is at fault as that's an easy explanation to hold onto.

My oldest hasn't seen his Dad for nearly 3 years as he unilaterally decided to go NC with his Dad. I knew that he was very unhappy with his Dad and he suddenly announced he was NC with his Dad. It was impossible to prevent or warn ex. If I told ex, he'd bring it up with ds1, ds1 would clam up and be angry that I broke his confidence. Dc1's reasons are complicated and not stupid stuff like dad hasn't got a PlayStation. It's stuff that ex isn't going to change so there's no point in bringing it up.
Plus nobody wants to hear negative feedback from their ex.

Ex's gf thinks I've alienated dc1 even though I haven't. She said this publicly on social media and a mutual friend screenshot and sent it to me. I have simply said to dc1 that if he changes his mind then I would be happy to talk his Dad but he's not taken up that offer. He visibly winces when his siblings mention him but it's much less pronounced than when he used to go to contact.

I'm not saying that this is why your stepsons have stopped seeing their Dad as every family have their own unique setups or that your h deserves it because I obviously don't know you and love/concern radiates from your post.

It's just that it's hard for kids to bring up problems with the NRP. They don't want to anger or upset the NRP but only seeing each other every other weekend means that they aren't comfortable unleashing exactly what's annoying them. My younger 2 see ex and behave completely different in each house (they are in polite mode there like at school or friends houses)

StephenQueenBooks · 25/05/2019 19:34

Before the babies came along, did they have their own rooms in your house?

And if so were they used for the new kids? Where do they stay if they come over and don't have their own rooms?

How often did your husband do things with just them when the new babies came?

I agree with the mum saying she won't force them. You seem to think this is her fault.

LIZS · 25/05/2019 19:48

How long have you been together? Was the moving in together and babies quite soon after the break up? Is there enough space for them to stay over?

Zampa · 25/05/2019 19:55

At 8 and 10 they are not old enough to realise that they are potentially losing an important relationship with their Dad and their siblings.

Whilst courts do listen to a child's thoughts, in this instance, I would assume court ordered contact would be enforced.

Their mother should be encouraging them to go and emphasising the importance of the relationship with their Dad.

Original poster

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 20:18

I do blame the mother for not encouraging a loving relationship to continue. I do blame her for letting young kids make such important choices as in not going to football practice anymore as they just dobt want to or not going to karate as they are bot allowed go to the toilet during training times. And now not spending time with their dad simply because they say they don't want to. Kids need direction not choices in my opinion, I obviously don't say this to her or my partner as i don't want to stir the pot but its how i feel!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2019 20:21

Kids need direction not choices in my opinion

They need both. As they get older the balance changes.

StephenQueenBooks · 25/05/2019 20:23

She may have spoken to them and they may have given her good reasons for not wanting to go.

As someone with a step parent who chose to stopping seeing my father for a few years around 10yo I don't see an issue with her supporting their choice. If she forces them to go they will just end up resenting both parents.

I think other posters have relevant questions when it comes to how long you were with your partner before meeting the sons, moving on and having children. You should also answer where do they stay and what alone time they have with the father before this all started.

SoupDragon · 25/05/2019 20:56

I do blame the mother...

So, you think it is all her fault?

Original poster

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 21:15

We have plenty of room boys have their own space computers wardrobe of clothes toys everything they need for a second home. He had been seperated 2 years when i met him and the boys were still quite young so it was a gradual thing of meeting me i was a friend for a few months they were so excited to have a baby and were amazing big brothers but havent seen their sisters in 5 months thats alot when they are so small. My partner and his ex went to mediation and hus ex attitude was well he has a new family now it filters through to kids they pick up on everything. Shes a good mother the boys are great and polite respectful im not blaming her on this whole situation but i do blame her for not encouraging a relationship

OP posts:

Magda72 · 25/05/2019 21:25

I'm the dm in this scenario. My dd was 9 when her df & sm has their first child (they now have two). Dd was quite upset & at times didn't want to go to her dads. I encouraged her to always go. I explained to her (in age appropriate language) that she needed to give it time; that the baby was her sibling; that she had as much right & need to be with her dad & that if she didn't go she might regret it as she got older.
She's now 13 & guess what? Everything is fine. Her little brothers drive her nuts but she's also mad about them.
These things take time & I agree with the op that the dm should not be letting these kids have an out because they ARE too young to decide they don't want to see their dad & in giving them an out she is denying them a relationship with their dad.
If the kids are genuinely distressed then she AND their df should be sitting down with both of them to try & get to the bottom of what's going on. Saying she's not going to force them & leaving it like that is not good enough imo.

Eustasiavye · 25/05/2019 21:28

How often did they see their father before you had your dc?
You say he has offered to take them to places, is this alone or with you and/or your dc?
With all due respect, children should have time alone with their patents. No matter how great you and your dh think the situation is, the children may think otherwise.
Also why does your dh live an hour away from them? Did their mother move away?

Original poster

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 21:31

Thanks for that magda72 we are hoping its a phase! Very hard to watch my partner break down n cry and blame himself. He hadnt heard from them for two weeks so drove down and called to the house as no answer from phone he was told they dont want to see u and shut the door. An explanation i think would ease his pain he thinks the boys are feeling exactly as he is hurt and confused its just all a mess with a huge question mark over it

OP posts:

Original poster

Esh77 · 25/05/2019 21:34

That had twice a week at training together and dinner afterwards also cinema go karting fishing trips that obviously babies wouldbt be brought to. Their family home is an hour away he came back to where he grew up after they split

OP posts:

Bluestitch · 25/05/2019 21:37

It sounds like they were feeling pushed out by baby number one and then number 2 coming along so quickly after made it worse for them. In an ideal world your partner would have worked at resolving the issues with his existing children before adding another into the mix since you say they started coming less after the first baby. It sounds very sad for everyone really especially these boys.

RainbowWaffles · 25/05/2019 22:17

At those ages, go to court to apply for contact. It can be forced and independent professionals can investigate as to why they do not want to go. Act quickly though as the longer this drifts, the harder it gets and when they start getting nearer 12/13, the court won’t get involved. It is totally unacceptable for it to be left as ‘they don’t want to’. If they don’t want to go to school I am sure they aren’t allowed to stay home all day.

StephenQueenBooks · 25/05/2019 22:40

So they have their own wardrobes etc but that doesn't answer my questions. In their own rooms? Or did they have rooms that are now used for the new babies. The timeline does seem quite short for them.

Original poster

Esh77 · 26/05/2019 08:59

There were no issues before either pregnancy

OP posts:

Original poster

Esh77 · 26/05/2019 09:00

They have their own room.

OP posts:

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