Stepsons have cut contact with their dad

[Esh77]

My partner has two sons 8 and 10 i have a son and daughter 18 and 17 and we have two daughters together 1 and 2. His sons stayed with us every second weekend fri-sun for about a year when our first daughter was born the eldest started makibg excuses not to stay he would come maube once a month we organised really fun stuff incase he was bored when he called my partner really went above n beyond to make them confortable amd had everything they needed. He stopped coming over completly after our second daughter was born then his other son stopped too they just said they would think about coming but never did. My partner asked would they have a day out with him instead of an overnight but thats a no too anything he sugests as in go karting cinema etc they just say no thanks we don't like doing that anymore. Anyway he's so heartbroken by this they don't phone anymore it used to be every night now nothing. He blames himself for moving on and hurting them by leaving their mam who wont communicate with my partner she says she wont make her kids do things they don't want to. He tried for them all to go to counselling without success now hes no option but to go to court for access but can a court make children go to a parent if they don't want to. My partner is a brilliant loving father not overly strict so we can only assume its jealousy of the babies and they feel they have lost their dad we are all hearrbroken as our blended family seemed to be working great. Their mother is in a new relationship and i feel my partner is being pushed aside as hes not needed as in when she works or school holidays her boyfriend minds the kids where they used to come stay with us any opinions on this much appreciated

they feel they have lost their dad

That's probably it.
He has a whole new family now. No way on earth can that be easy for the boys. Maybe they were just finding the new situation too hard and emotionally unsettling and didn't know how to cope with it all.

When did their father and mother separate?

If she's NC that suggests this has possibly been a messy and hurtful situation. Could he try and establish a better relationship / friendship with the boys mother, might help.

Their family home is an hour away he came back to where he grew up after they split

That was a big mistake. How did he think he was going to maintain a good relationship at that distance? Do not underestimate the impact that distance has - it gets worse at they get older too as it's a lot of time out of their social life. XH is not quite that far away and it has definitely made a difference as he is never involved in day to day life.

If you strip it back to the basics their Dad moved an hour away, met a new partner and has had two more DC.

This will effect them deeply. To blame the mother isnt going to help. My exh did the same except her moved straight in with the other woman. Because he was happy he expected the DC to be happy for him. No diacussion, no understanding or empathy that they may find it confusing or difficult.

He moved over an hour away and wonders why they feel as though he isnt part of their day to day life.

Ive spent the past three years trying to get the DC to interact more with their dad, saying their dad loves them. That he would love them to spend xmas there etc but they dont feel like it is their home. The only person who could do that is him.

Im not saying this is you. What im trying to explain is that my DC wont be honest with their dad. They are frightened he will move further away if they tell him how they feel. They dont want to upset him. I deal with the upset, their confussion etc.

You need to involve their mother as she may be privy to more information than you. There must be a reason why she is NC. Can this not be sorted?

And now not spending time with their dad simply because they say they don't want to.

Well if my children were 8 and 10 and didn't want to see their dad, I think there would be a good reason if he had been such a good dad before. At 8 and 10 I would be listening to them. There has to be more to this, whether you are aware of it or not.

So did your dh spend time with them alone?
Don't assume that just because you and he are happy with the new set up they will be.
Quite often children have mixed feelings about new siblings, especially if they are not full biological siblings.
Some people get on better with half siblings/step siblings/step parents etc better than full biological family.
Some people prefer their friends to family.
That is the way it is.
You cannot force the boys to be delighted for you.
In all fairness a 10 year old boy will have nothing in common with a 2 year old.
Having said that I do think your dh should try his absolute best to stay heavily involved in their lives.
Maybe say to them where do you want to go and I will take you. We will do it on x date. I will pick you up at x time and do what it is they choose.

My sister's son was like this. He is still in contact with his dad but everything centred around the new wife and her young dc.
My dn had nothing uncommon with either her or her kids. His dad allowed this to happen and their relationship has suffered.

Gaining a sibling is very hard for a lot of kids. Apparently it's as stressful as your spouse taking on another husband/wife. I can imagine why 2 siblings in quick succession throw kids. I can also imagine why a parent who sees their kid every other weekend thinks that their children are fine with this. The kids don't see him enough to be honest as say WTF (if that's their initial reaction) and might be in that classic divorced kid trap of worrying about their parents feelings too much.

My children are older and neither my ex or I have had further kids but I find that divorce has made my kids very sensitive to change. I can totally understand why they would prefer the parent who has seemingly made fewer changes over the parent who has. (I use seemingly as mum is having a baby and the boys probably know the father of that baby)

Even if the mum isn't dripping poison in their ear, tv and film is full is the stereotype of wicked stepmothers and weak fathers prioritising her and her kids over his kids. In kids movies and tv, there's always that scene where the parent has to reassure the child that the baby won't be loved more than them etc Even if the thought hadn't occurred to them, this trope puts the possibility in their mind.

I know that your h offered to do stuff with them (no babies or you around) but was he doing this when things were going well and the first baby was born? When my dd was 10, she felt that her Dads actions were about him trying to buy her affections. (I've never suggested this to her but she's not stupid) He offered and took them on trips to the cinema? toysRUs, amusement parks etc

I was that child. I knew from 7-8 that I didn't want to see my dad. He'd left my mum, moved in with his new missus, had a baby, and I was expected to fit in when he wanted and coo over it. If he'd dragged me through the court for access I would have refused kicking and screaming. I went full n/c at 20. At 8 and 10 they will know how they feel and why they feel it. Don't blame the mother, blame your partner for moving an hour away. They will feel they have lost the closeness to their dad.

Although you haven't said this, a lot of these threads have the stepmum say that there kids are fine so the Dad's kids should be fine too. There's no acceptance of individual differences and the complete lack of imagination that a relationship with a sibling that you see most days will be very different to one you see twice a month.

Someone always says that you wouldn't allow a child not to go to school if they weren't keen but in those cases you'd find out if there was a legitimate reason like bullying.

@Esh77 you're at nothing here on this thread. As you can see most posters won't actually read your posts, they'll just see the words 'moved', 'sm', 'new babies' and go on a rant about shit dads, manipulative sms & sainted mothers.
People willfully ignore that even dads in 'intact' families often commute, work overseas etc. etc. & the world doesn't end & the kids survive, but the minute a separated/divorced dad stops putting his life on hold for the kids of his 'first family' all hell breaks loose.
From reading your posts it seems quite clear that access has stopped & your dp has no concrete idea why. He now has two options. He either works with his ex to get to the root of what exactly the problem is or he goes to court.
It is most likely that your dscs are having trouble adjusting to their younger siblings, but they are kids & as such they need both parents on board to lead the way & to help them adjust. Their dm saying she won't force them & your dp possibly accepting this is not on. She needs to encourage them to spend time with their dad & he needs to make them feel loved & important even if they don't live with him full time. Adjustment is not about bedrooms & other nonsense, it's about kids learning to adapt to change by knowing that the adults have the situation, & knowing they are loved by both mum & dad.

So easy to blame the ex isn't it? She clearly had no issue with contact before, why would she now? More importantly why should it be HER responsibility to encourage their relationship so that your ex can be happy? She owes him nothing at all.

The boys wouldn't have decided to stop coming one day. Thry would have slowly grown unhappy and showed signs that your OH chose to ignore, probably because he was too busy and tired, understandably, bringing up with you two young kids.

The reason why the boys don't want to come 8s much more likely to be because of their broken bond with their dad than anything their mum said. He should have felt it coming and HE should have done something about it before it got to th mnot wanting to come any longer. Hell now have to work hard and be very patient to rebuild the bond, sadly time and energy that might mean not being able to give you children together. It's a catch 22.

Unfortunately it sounds like the boys feel like they've been replaced or pushed out.

Your partner sounds like hes trying hard to keep pushing for contact so please encourage him to keep that up. I do think mum should be doing more too to encourage the boys to have a relationship with their dad.

Sometimes mums can let their own feelings come into it a bit too much and it may sadly be the case that she has been influencing the boys not to come, especially seen as though this behaviour seems to relate to new kids arriving and a new boyfriend on the scene.

Have you thought about speaking to a solicitor?

OK firstly what everyone has already said might well be issues but equally, do you know much about the dynamics the other end? Have they got step siblings their own age or close? Have they got friends in their street, are their 'other parents' for want of a better word closer in character? Reason I ask is our ss is 10, we know have a 3 yr old so similar thing. All fine until 2 years ago when mum met her partner, all of the above came along and now ss quite often visibly doesn't want to be here as soon as cinema or fun stuff is done, feels he's missing out back home. To top that we are quiet introverts and mum and sd are outgoing to loud and that's who ss is taking after, all these things can affect it. I wouldn't force it but just call and text often and leave the door open, it's a shame the mum won't communicate

Unless there are issues that haven't been shared here, the children should be given every opportunity to have an on going relationship with their father. It doesn't sound like this is happening.

Agreed. I would be seeking legal advice.

Their mum isn’t going to encourage contact so that’s the only option left.

I wouldn't force it but just call and text often and leave the door open

Would you really do that if your child at 8 decides they’re going to live with their dad and never call or see you?

Any decent parent would be making sure they have contact with their children and enforcing legally if needed.