I'm at my wits end! :(

[Poppy3088]

I'm new to this site and was looking for some advise on my situation - I apologise in advance for the long post.
I have two children of my own aged 12 (DS) and 7 (DD) both are and have always been 'good' children, they're polite, have manners, respect their own and each others belongings etc.
DP and I have been together for 18 months DSP was just turned 2 when we met and is now 3 &1/2 - She's very intelligent, can have full conversations and is understanding of everything you say / ask her to do.
When we first met She was lovely, very affectionate and loving, gelled well with my children who both did and still do adore her, She hadn't ever slept in her own bed when we met She wasn't potty trained, couldn't feed herself etc, Still ate very small bits of mushed up 'baby' food for meals, and was generally treated by both DP and his ex as a baby, I've worked really hard with her getting her to sleep in her own bed and have a set bedtime (She goes to bed at the same time as my DD which I do feel is unfair as DD is older but I let that go) and she's done really well with settling in with us as a family but lately (Last 6 months or so) She has been a living nightmare. She breaks DD's toys and when asked why she says 'because I wanted to' She tells lies about DS / DS smacking her, She's told lies about other people doing or breaking things that She's done, She tells her Mum that DP has smacked her etc and says the same to us about her Mum and her partner but once She's confessed to the lie she says 'I just told a joke because I wanted to', She clings to DP and constantly says 'You're only my Daddy aren't you not anybody elses'
If I tell her She can't have something She'll immediately go to DP and ask him and if He is unaware of my conversation with her will say Yes and then she comes back to me smugly telling me Daddy said I can.
She constantly cries 10-15 times a day, and on the odd occasion DP does tell her she can't have or do something she says 'I want to go to Mummys then'.
I understand that She is still very young, but my children have started to notice how she gets away with things 'because she cries and gets her own way' and I feel it's causing a rift between us all and to be honest I feel drained and close to tears every time she's with us - We have her every weekend Saturday morning through to Tuesday morning and every Thursday too - Every time DP has to leave or go out anywhere She has a tantrum and screams the house down and once he's left She's awful with me and says 'I don't like you' or 'I don't want to speak to you' She refuses to do anything I ask her to and just cries and says 'I want Mummy/Daddy' I've tried everything I can to treat her the same and show her the same affection I do my DS & DD but she isn't interested, everything is a massive ordeal with her, eating meals, brushing teeth, getting dressed, She demands to be picked up and carried everywhere or on DP's back / shoulders as soon as He shows any attention to anybody else She's climbing on him and literally holds his face in her hands so He can't even look at anybody else but her.
DP works occasional evenings at the weekend and DSD stays with me and my other children and I hate myself for saying it but I'm starting to resent having her so much when She makes me feel so stressed out. I've started to feel annoyed when my children are with their Dad and we have DSD and I hate that I feel that way.
We're due our first baby together in a few months and all I currently feel is dread. Please help!!

She’s at an age where toddlers are naturally difficult. Added to which if she’s going between mum and dad that’s probably tricky. You need to sit down with your dh and talk through rules and boundaries. Maybe him and his dd need to spend a little bit of 1:1 time together.

I get the feeling it’s all too much for her, too.

Maybe her dad needs to be The Parent and you the Friend at this stage. She’s doing a lot of too-ing and fro-ing between houses and you’re doing a lot of parenting which she doesn’t seem ready for.

What does your DP think? Am presuming you all live together?

What’s the set up with her mum? Do you all get on?

You're only my Daddy aren't you not anybody elses

Well, there’s your answer. She’s tiny. How much time is she spending with her dad alone?

He’s leaving all the parenting to you. When really who she wants is her dad.

As always in these situations it’s down to the DH not stepping up to the plate. If the current contact pattern means she’s left alone with you more than she sees her dad, then it needs to change so that he spends more time with her when she’s there.

Does she get enough sleep? Her behaviour is typical of a toddler not sleeping enough and running on fuel.

Honestly, I think blending a family after an 18 month relationship is far too soon.
Especially for a 3 year old.
She should be having 1 to 1 time with her father until she is old enough to cope with step family.
It is far too much for a child of her age.

I agree that she's at an age where toddlers/kids are naturally difficult and are trying to assert themselves.
However I will also add that I personally have not seen or heard of one case where 50/50 access (& it sounds like that's what you have) works. 50/50 seems to totally overwhelm small kids who just cannot get settled in either house. 50/50 often suits parents but does not suit children who need a secure base.

I personally would be encouraging your dp to discuss access with his ex & to see if they can come up with something that will give dsd more stability - more time in one or other home. She's only 3 1/2 & is having to process two step siblings & a half sibling and I'm sure her little brain is struggling to understand why everyone in her life (adults & kids included) lives in one house only, & yet she doesn't.
If your dp can't be there to parent her then she shouldn't be with you guys & I don't mean to sound harsh. At that age she needs her mum & dad to parent her & she's not going to understand why she's being left with someone who isn't her parent but who acts like a parent.

To kids It's very different being left with a parents partner than say being put in crèche or a childminders with other kids where it's more of a school setting & where mums & dads come to collect all kids and bring them home at the end of a day.

Her behaviour screams of insecurity (you've moved super fast) and normal 3.5 year old stubbornness.

Wow how soon were you playing “I’m a better mummy” to this child? You say you worked really hard and had her sleeping in her own bed etc, but that in the last 6 months she has been a nightmare? So you had not only met but we’re playing mummy to this child well before you’d even known her father a year. And I’m guessing he moved in with your DC then too. Wow.

I agree with everything you’ve all said, and have said a number of times before that it’s unfair for her to be with us when he’s working etc because she’ll miss him and resent me. However her mum is supposed to have her three nights a week, but ships her out to grandparents / friends for at least two of the nights al spends only one whole night a week at her mums and sleeps with her in her bed, she’s at nursery for half of the week also, so I’ve always felt that by being here to look after her when DPs working prevents her from having to stay at numerous houses each week. I’ve discussed with DP that she possibly misses her mum and therefor resents me being here when her mum is now but trying to get her Mum to want to spend time with her is difficult and have found that when we encourage her to take her additional nights after we’ve been on holiday for example of have had her for a long stretch of time she ends up house hopping between family members and doesn’t actually benefit from spending that time with her mum.

@Poppy3088 has the access arrangements been through court. Sound like it would be better for the child if she was living with you 6 nights a week and just 1 with mum! The child lacks stability

And the poor things life it going to be turned upside down even more when the baby comes along.

So difficult for you. This isn't your mess to sort out. Your DP needs to be more
Proactive to create stability for her. What are his thoughts on her life?

No it’s a set up that they’ve arranged and had been the same since day one - they split up before she was born.
We’ve suggested this previously but her mum is reluctant as she doesn’t work so claims benefits and is worried she’ll lose them if she doesn’t have DSD a few nights a week.
I do know that the set up for us has been made early on but we’ve known each most of our lives so trust / knowing each other isn’t an issue for us. X

I think another conversation needs to be had ASAP. Her benefits should not be the main priority. Her daughter needs to be. If she's not willing then she needs to look after her herself and not palm her off to family!

This poor little girl has no primary caregiver, a mum who doesn't seem interested and a dad who leaves her with his new girlfriend. She has no secure attachments, no wonder she is so insecure and acting out. What a mess.

Oh somehow missed the bit where you are having a baby too. That's hardly going to help things, what a bunch of selfish adults this child has in her life.

She is definitely insecure and the new baby will be making it much worse. I guess it started when you announced the pregnancy? I think you have all moved so fast that she isn't able to adjust to the change and fears what will happen to her when there is a new baby in the house. Your dp needs to be present with her on his time, he can't outsource his parenting to you.

Unless this is handled well you will have poor behaviour going forwards so whilst you can 't change the mum your dp has to make her his complete focus to compensate.

Bluestitch - Very selfish of me to love and care for somebody else’s child 4 nights a week. I was asking for advise based on the situation that we’re in not to be slated for being in a relationship with her father.

I'd knock it on the head you looking after her. I used to look after my step daughter when my husband was at work and I like you ended up resentful. She hated me as I was there instead of her dad and she would rather have been with her mum.
It cut into time I had with my own little boy also.
So we all decided she would come over on a set night a week when he not in work.
Life is a lot better now for everyone.
She is not your child, you should not be having this much responsibility for her.
If she lived with you then yes but baby sitting her when dad at work when she should be with her mum?!

@Poppy3088 - I think what @PrayingandHoping has said is very pertinent. If that's the situation at her dms then she really would be better off with her dad as the rp then at least she could learn to settle. Children (as well you know I'm sure) do not exist just so some parents can claim benefits so going to court may be the only thing to do. The poor child's head must be melted with all the chopping & changing and behaviour will get worse with a new baby on the scene.
This is very difficult for you but I do think your dp needs to have a very frank talk with his ex about what is best for this little girl.
Well done you for being so on the ball - ignore all the sm bashers!

She's three years old, sharing one of the two most important people in her life with another family, and being replaced by a new baby. That would be hard for an adult to handle never mind a small child. How very, very sad.

18 months and you're already bringing another child into this. Unbelievably selfish.

(isn't it odd that the birth children are always angels and the step children always devils? And of course neglected by their mother.)

Very selfish of me to love and care for somebody else’s child 4 nights a week.

Selfish of all the adults involved to rush into a blended family and bring a new baby into it when this child is still so unsettled. And yes absolutely selfish of both you and your partner to put your wants ahead of his daughter's stability. You're looking after her to facilitate your partner not bothering. And the sad fact is her other parent is neglectful. Usually there is at least one adult around who is able to provide the secure attachment a child needs.

Is your dp aware of your feelings about his child?

And nobody is slating you for being in a relationship with her father. But why is it that on so many of these threads being in a relationship = moving in at lightening speed and adding a new baby into the mix? Especially when such threads often involve struggling children and adults scratching their heads at what could possibly be the problem.

@endofthelinefinally I think you've hit the nail on the head and I completely agree.

I've struggled as a step-parent myself, but think you're either stupid, completely naive or secretly resentful of your step-daughter. She's 3 and a half and in the short 18 months you've been together, you've shacked up with her dad, fallen pregnant and have destroyed the routines she was used to. No the wonder she's attention seeking (or behaving like a child) - this is FAR too much change for a child so young.

She's still so young. Of course she wants (and rightly so) her dad's attention. Does she get any 1-2-1 time what-so-ever? You've undermined her whole entire being. It's only going to get worse once the baby comes too. I feel sorry for her.

Agree with other posters. Your DP needs to step up in caring for her and stop leaving most of it to you. Your DSD is so tiny, and it sounds like she doesn't have enough stability in her life. Of course she needs to cling to her Daddy!

None of this is your fault, and it's not surprising that you are feeling resentful of dealing with the fallout - but try to remember it's not her fault either.