I'm at my wits end! :(

[Poppy3088]

I'm new to this site and was looking for some advise on my situation - I apologise in advance for the long post.
I have two children of my own aged 12 (DS) and 7 (DD) both are and have always been 'good' children, they're polite, have manners, respect their own and each others belongings etc.
DP and I have been together for 18 months DSP was just turned 2 when we met and is now 3 &1/2 - She's very intelligent, can have full conversations and is understanding of everything you say / ask her to do.
When we first met She was lovely, very affectionate and loving, gelled well with my children who both did and still do adore her, She hadn't ever slept in her own bed when we met She wasn't potty trained, couldn't feed herself etc, Still ate very small bits of mushed up 'baby' food for meals, and was generally treated by both DP and his ex as a baby, I've worked really hard with her getting her to sleep in her own bed and have a set bedtime (She goes to bed at the same time as my DD which I do feel is unfair as DD is older but I let that go) and she's done really well with settling in with us as a family but lately (Last 6 months or so) She has been a living nightmare. She breaks DD's toys and when asked why she says 'because I wanted to' She tells lies about DS / DS smacking her, She's told lies about other people doing or breaking things that She's done, She tells her Mum that DP has smacked her etc and says the same to us about her Mum and her partner but once She's confessed to the lie she says 'I just told a joke because I wanted to', She clings to DP and constantly says 'You're only my Daddy aren't you not anybody elses'
If I tell her She can't have something She'll immediately go to DP and ask him and if He is unaware of my conversation with her will say Yes and then she comes back to me smugly telling me Daddy said I can.
She constantly cries 10-15 times a day, and on the odd occasion DP does tell her she can't have or do something she says 'I want to go to Mummys then'.
I understand that She is still very young, but my children have started to notice how she gets away with things 'because she cries and gets her own way' and I feel it's causing a rift between us all and to be honest I feel drained and close to tears every time she's with us - We have her every weekend Saturday morning through to Tuesday morning and every Thursday too - Every time DP has to leave or go out anywhere She has a tantrum and screams the house down and once he's left She's awful with me and says 'I don't like you' or 'I don't want to speak to you' She refuses to do anything I ask her to and just cries and says 'I want Mummy/Daddy' I've tried everything I can to treat her the same and show her the same affection I do my DS & DD but she isn't interested, everything is a massive ordeal with her, eating meals, brushing teeth, getting dressed, She demands to be picked up and carried everywhere or on DP's back / shoulders as soon as He shows any attention to anybody else She's climbing on him and literally holds his face in her hands so He can't even look at anybody else but her.
DP works occasional evenings at the weekend and DSD stays with me and my other children and I hate myself for saying it but I'm starting to resent having her so much when She makes me feel so stressed out. I've started to feel annoyed when my children are with their Dad and we have DSD and I hate that I feel that way.
We're due our first baby together in a few months and all I currently feel is dread. Please help!!

Sounds like your rules and expectations are too much, too different and done too quickly for what she's used to. She's very little. You sound like you think your way is the only way and a bit too inflexible. No wonder she clings to her Dad - the only really familiar thing there. Your DP should be parenting her far more than you and I am really surprised that with three children already, one very young, that you thought another one would be a good idea.

You clearly think you're a better parent than your DP, so why have you let yourself get pregnant by him?

Your poor SD. Flung in at the deep end because you and him think the fact you've both know each other a long time is what matters.

I feel so sorry for the poor child. She is craving for love and attention from her parents and stability in her life.

I’m just reading them OP back. Most just turned 2 year olds aren’t potty trained.

I feel sorry for you, this is hard.

I agree you shouldn't be bringing another child into this family with a child so unsettled & overwhelmed but you are where you are.

It's up to the parents to sort this out. Your dc are losing out here & your dp's child really needs help. He needs to sort this out. You can't make the mother do anything so he needs to sort something stable where he is there when his dd is, apart from a very rare occasion. Have you talked to her about the baby & said you're looking forward to her being a big sis etc? Between you, you need to arrange some house rules to stop a yes when you've said no, etc

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🎉

None of this is your fault, and it's not surprising that you are feeling resentful of dealing with the fallout

I'm sure op wasn't forced into a relationship with her partner, forced to live with him, blend their families and get pregnant. I'd take a guess that she was a willing participant, in which case she is partly at fault for creating this situation for the poor child. DSD wants her dad and that should be the priority here. He needs to make time to spend with her and help her feel more secure. The poor child doesn't know where she fits in, being passed from one house to another and then to another because her mother clearly doesn't give a shit. Perhaps dp needs to reassess the access arrangements to give this child more security.

If she was two when you met it's hardly surprising the parents still saw her as a baby, especially if she is their first.

You seem to have implemented your own parenting approach which may well cause resentment. Were both her mum and dad on board ?

She clearly is anxious both about your two living with her Dad, and the baby arriving. More one on one time with him would help I expect. As will you backing off a bit. Pick your battles as they say. Usual stuff re ignoring what you can, and reinforce the positive.

This is so, so damaging for this poor little girl.
It is really awful.

Omg it's only recently I've started looking at step-parenting section on MN as I am also a step mum and can I just say the hate that people post on here is unbelievable! I don't mean OP, she's just looking for advice but some of the responses she's got are absolutely awful! How dare anyone judge her having another baby when you don't know all the circumstances?!

OP all you've got to remember is that this little 3 and a bit yr old will be adult one day and she will know how she's being treated by everyone and will remember things and will be able to express herself much much better. Things will only get worse when baby arrives, that is true. IMO structure will help, lots of structure. Plan the time write things down so the child knows exactly what is happening when and ensure 1:1 time with dad is always on the list. It will get worse before it gets better for sure