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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parent too harse??

37 replies

Yummymummy0076 · 19/05/2019 14:40

Hi
Just wondering what people think?? My 19 yr old boy and husband have never really got on as he’s always under the the impression I treat him better than him or other siblings (his children) I don’t think he’s a bad lad....he left school and did 2 years at college no problems whilst then he did jobs around house and washed up every night for pocket money...internet wasn’t allowed during weekends only from 7pm every day. He then went on to get very good grades and a higher apprenticeship in engineering going to uni at night school Tuesday and Thursdays...all in all he goes out house 7am till 5.30 every day expect Friday finished at 12pm and tues/thurs at uni home at 10.30pm and my husband, his stepdad thinks it’s acceptable for him to spend his Sunday’s doing jobs as gardening and then having to eat lunch in with us otherwise no lunch then wash up dinner things before going out....I think too harsh as most kids his age wouldn’t do this as well as still wash up every night he’s home and take out bins when back at 10.30 ( even though we have been in all night) we have had numerous arguments even considering divorce as I feel he’s too strict!!! I’ll admit my son can be lazy but as most kids his age, he at least does work hard all week so I think he should have some time at weekends at least whilst he has no real responsibilities?? Thoughts please, am I too soft as my husband says? Thank you.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

60secondfacetimer · 19/05/2019 14:45

Your son is an adult not a child. Your partner sounds like a fuckwit! Turning the internet off on a weekend day really! What if he needs to use it to study!

Couie · 19/05/2019 14:57

He's 19 and being treated like a child. He works hard by the sounds of it. Sorry, it sounds like he lives in a bit of a prison.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 19/05/2019 15:02

A 19 year old man isn’t allowed to eat out with his friends or have a separate lunch from his family on Sundays? [Shock] that’s pretty draconian tbh.

If your son is doing gardening, bins, washing up after dinner what is your husband doing?

PinkCrayon · 19/05/2019 15:02

Your partner sounds really controlling.
Does he treat his kids the same way?
I wouldnt have any man controlling my children like that adult or not.
Stick up for your son. Even if it means leaving.

overdrive · 19/05/2019 15:04

He sounds like a good kid, who's working really hard. Probably because he knows the harder he works now, the quicker he'll be able to move out of the house. He's 19 and basically not allowed out on Sunday's??

overdrive · 19/05/2019 15:06

Sorry, I see he is allowed out after he's done the dishes.

I still think your husbands attitude will drive him out though.

Crazycat16 · 19/05/2019 15:31

Poor DS!

Do his siblings have to do as much or is it just him? You husband sounds very controlling.

Original poster

Yummymummy0076 · 19/05/2019 15:37

Our children are only 5 & 7 so unable to compare really...I do feel it’s a situation that will never resolve and we are constantly arguing over things...he sees it as making a man of him I see it as punishment...I believe he should do things around the house but sometimes it’s abit extreme and he does do as he’s asked for me!

OP posts:

Smoothyloopy · 19/05/2019 15:42

Your husband sounds like a truly nasty man who doesn't see your son as part of his family

lunar1 · 19/05/2019 15:44

What do you mean he has to eat lunch with you or no lunch?

He sounds like a controlling creep from that line alone. Is he not allowed to just go make himself something quick?

What if he decides to get up early on a Sunday and go out for the day? Is that allowed?

Hecateh · 19/05/2019 15:48

What does you H do as his share of household work, parenting the younger children etc.
And, at 5 and 7, a small amount or responsibility is more than acceptable. Setting and clearing the table for example and putting their own laundry in the wash basket and away once clean.

RaffertyFair · 19/05/2019 15:49

Your ds sounds lovely - your DH not so.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 19/05/2019 15:50

I bet your DS can't wait to move out and that is a really sad thought. How can you let your H treat him like that?

Clutterbugsmum · 19/05/2019 16:02

Well done for bringing up a very good young man. It's a shame your partner parents didn't do the same.

Your son works full time and doing a degree course, as well as helping around the house. When is he supposed to be a teenager and have fun with his friends. Or does your partner believe that children are slaves to their parents.

Of course you treat him differently he's 19 not 5, does your partner not realise that you parent your child depending their ages and it changes as the child gets older.

FlyingMonkeys · 19/05/2019 16:06

What's your DP bringing to the table OP? Is he doing jobs around the house on his weekends too? Or just sitting on his backside whilst your son does them?

Original poster

Yummymummy0076 · 19/05/2019 16:07

I’m not agreeing with my OH but I know my son can lazy so I agree he should contribute to household chores and the little ones do help by tidying up there toys and help unload dishwasher etc... but I don’t agree to the controlling nature of help or be punished....and as I say I do stand up for him to extent of arguments and extreme of almost divorce... trouble us my son now will not talk to his stepdad and visa versa all goes through me and I’m piggy in middke😫

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummymummy0076 · 19/05/2019 16:09

Thank you Clutterbugsmum what I’ve tried saying for ages!!!

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 19/05/2019 16:10

Your DH is a controlling arsehole. Divorce is your best option.

For you and all your DC.

RaffertyFair · 19/05/2019 16:12

I know my son can lazy

Nothing in what you have posted about your son bears this out.

notapizzaeater · 19/05/2019 16:13

Wow, if I was your son I'd be making plans to get away a fast as I could.

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/05/2019 16:13

Your DS sounds lovely, hard working, responsible and well rounded.

Your DP sounds like a bully and tbh a cunt.

You are a family. A family that since he friend 18 now has more than one adult in the same home - this means the roles and responsibilities change and of course he's still one of "the kids" but has also it seemed stepped up to the grown up work too.

Throw DS my way in 10 years if he's single he sounds lovely!!

FlyingMonkeys · 19/05/2019 16:15

You also said your DP thinks you favour your oldest child over him? I'd not be happy over that comment alone. Does your partner believe he's more important than your son? Was this his attitude when you got together when your son was a much younger child? I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a bully.

Quartz2208 · 19/05/2019 16:17

How is your son lazy?
And what does your husband do around the house

UCOinanOCG · 19/05/2019 16:30

Your DS sounds like a lovely lad. Your DH sounds very controlling. That may come back to bite him on the arse as your younger children grow up.

cloudymelonade · 19/05/2019 16:47

Your son is not a child, he is an adult. Why is he doing dishes for pocket money?
Sounds to me like you've both got it a bit backwards but your DH spectacularly so.
Tell him your son comes first and he needs to respect your choices when it comes to parenting.

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