Adult step children

[Lori67]

I met my now husband almost 2 years ago and we recently married. His kids are 28, 24 and 22. He was a widower and his kids and family members thought he moved on with me too soon as his wife had passed only 6mths before we started dating. Everyone seemed to have an opinion and many people have involved themselves when there was no need and many lies were spread (including my so called friends). I moved in with DH in January and we married in April. I have never met eldest DSS but youngest 2 live at home. My stepdaughter and I have a fragile relationship but I do feel we will get there and she is very kind to my ds who has special needs. Dss is another situation. He just pretends I don't exist. If we meet in the house he ignores me and refuses to make eye contact. They're not the type of family to talk things out so DH thinks we definitely shouldn't confront him. They were all invited to our wedding but none even acknowledged the invitations and DH didn't ask them outright as he didn't want to rock the boat

Why the hell did you marry him?! Couldn't you see it was too soon?

Any chance if them moving out anytime soon? Otherwise it sounds miserable for you..Alternatively buy a house together with DH..living inba former family home won't be helping

They are incredibly selfish. Whatever they think of your relationship they should just be happy their father has found love again. It’s none of their business, or anyone else’s.

My DH an I are in early 50s so we feel like life is too short to wait but he also thinks that his kids would still think 10 years is too soon to move on from their mother

Well clearly badly handled - what kind of man marries someone his oldest child hasn't even met yet? Too fast for the kids (even though they're adults). Nothing wrong with the relationship but more sensitivity should have been shown to how the BEREAVED CHILDREN might be feeling? So now you've got problems putting all that right.

It was very unthinking of you to move so quickly so soon after their mother's death. Same goes to your DH.
In your shoes I'd put my tail between my legs and just hope his kids come around. They may not.

Yes I feel we have handled the situation badly which has not helped the situation. Eldest son had several chances to meet me but always made a last minute excuse. I think they are a family who don't talk about issues whereas I am the opposite.

Why have you not met the eldest SS?

Why don't you go to him then?

Did you move into their family home? If so, it may feel like you are trying to take their mother's place - literally. I can't see how they wouldn't come to your wedding but move into a new home with you.

I'm so sorry for your situation. You have done nothing ' wrong' except all in love with a single man. However, this is all too fast for bereaved children. A loving father should not remarry while his children are still in pain and do not accept the situation. If it would be different if it was a older adult child who lived independently and had their own family but for a child still living at home, this is very hurtful.

I see you moved in with them. This was a mistake. I feel great sympathy for you because no one can give you any advice to fix this except hope it gets better over time - or move out and let the family heal (this is not very realistic) but these children have lost their mother and to some extent their father.

I know some adult children in that situation and they were extremely resentful for a long time. But now they are getting married, moving on they are glad they don't have to worry about their dad being alone so things are easier.
But l think your dh gave little thought to his DC and now he has to live with the consequences. He was only thinking of himself , not the DC or YOU!

Thank u for all your replies. I'm not sure by posting this I was expecting a solution - just an opportunity to vent my emotions. I am a very open person so my frustration is not at the way my sc feel, more the way we don't talk about it and address the issues. Sometimes I just wish dss would just scream and shout at me so it's all out in the open.

What kind of a man marries a woman so soon after his wife's death, while his children are still grieving and never even met the new woman?

How could you ever think that all living together was going to work? What a toxic living environment.

Maybe you could write them a letter explaining the situation as you see it and taking on board some of the comments here?

more the way we don't talk about it and address the issues
Because it's already happened. You want to talk a out it to make your life better. The time to make theirs better was when you decided to move into their house when thry were still grieving their mum. Couldnt you and you oh see at the time how selfish you were?

The damage is done and the scars will always be there. All you can hope is that with time, their heart heals and they try to welcome you in their lives and see you as the person you are rathercrhsn the bomb that made an appearance in their lives, but when they decide to do it is up to them not when it suits you, ie. now and that's what you have to respect.

It took me about 18 months to see the light after my mother died. The first year of anniversaries,birthdays, mothers day, day she died special family days, Xmas etc.

We could not have the funeral for my mother for 8 weeks due to back logs . Probate and the will took 9 months to sort out and in less time than that you were sleeping in their mothers bed.

I am astounded at both of you for your lack of sensitivity. Yes they are adults but seriously you sitting in their mothers chair, in her kitchen, at her table - for the 28 yr old who lives at home - seeing you there would be a final confirmation that mum is gone.

He has a right to be happy but he also still has children and no matter how old you get - your parents are usually still v special.

I can’t believe you moved into THEIR house and expected it to be OK, and you moved your child/ children into their home too !
OK , I know they are adults and maybe should be finding homes of their own but I don’t think this will work out for you all.
At the very least I think you need to sell up and find a new house with your DH rather than taking his late wife’s place in the family home.

We had another house bought together but it fell through at the last minute. His kids had told him they were going to flat share together but to date this has not happened. This is why we ended up in dh's marital home. We are looking for another home but haven't managed to find something else suitable.

He has made a terrible decision by putting you before his own children.

You have made a terrible decision by marrying someone whose children were against your relationship because it was so soon after their mum died.

I would bow out. I'd move out and write to the children and explain the mistakes and apologise.

Stop thinking about them as your step-children. They are adults and they are your H's children. Explain to H that it is polite to maintain good manners and that you are not expecting his children to be your best pals. He needs to have word with his son, ignoring you is just childish. They will never accept you with open arms that's clear, and why should they - in their mind? You are an intruder and someone who is taking away love and money from them and the memory of their mother, to be blunt.

I've been right in the middle of this kind of relationship, as a child and again later in my second marriage. My OH's children are polite and courteous but that's as far as it goes and I can settle for that, it doesn't worry me, since OH and I have our life together and similar age friends.

There's no happy ending where you all walk off into the sunset together. Let go of that fantasy and you will be much happier.

My mum died 8 months ago.

My dad and I are still in an extremely raw phase of grief.
Her clothes are still in her wardrobe and her shoes are still in the hall. Her side of the bed hasn't been touched by another person. Her toothbrush is still in the pot.

Yet, in less than this amount of time, your husband had grieved, recovered and met someone new (who he very swiftly married and moved in to the marital home.)
Can you honestly, truly not see how stupid and insensitive the both of you have been?

Honestly, if it were my dad I wouldn't want to meet you either. I wouldn't be making polite excuses though, I would be telling the both of you to get to fuck.

Losing your mum is quite literally one of the toughest 'milestones' (for want of a better word) to deal with. They may be adult children, but they're still the children of the mother who has passed on. To be suffering with that loss at 28, 24 and 22 must be utterly heartbreaking.

What's done is done now. I don't think you moving out or splitting up with their dad would reverse the damage that's left in your wake.
You're only concerned now because you are in a situation which is uncomfortable for you - if the kids were playing ball and it were all happy families you wouldn't be posting here. Yet, the situation would still remain. You've still bulldozed into their lives with little consideration for their emotions.

I don't know what the answer is here. I just hope the kids find peace.

Did I see that you have a son who has also moved in? How old is he, and does he live with you all?

I'd try to think of it as sharing a house and not a step-parenting relationship. It's still new, and relationships will evolve, but it will take time. And it will be hard. But you know that.

Why is the OP being given such a hard time? She wasn’t responsible for the death of her husband’s first wife but you’d think she was with some of these responses.

The adult offspring are obviously grieving and that is sad, but if their father felt ready to move on then good for him. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Thank u Canveyisland I think u have hit the nail on the head. I'm not really trying to form relationships with my dh's children, all I hope for is politeness. Also I don't think of them as my stepchildren - I was just using those phrases for the purposes of this post. I didn't come in here to find sympathy I was just hoping that someone who had been in a similar situation could talk about their experience. Home life is not a nightmare by any means, it's just awkward sometimes - as much for dh's son as it is for me.