Adult step children

[Lori67]

I met my now husband almost 2 years ago and we recently married. His kids are 28, 24 and 22. He was a widower and his kids and family members thought he moved on with me too soon as his wife had passed only 6mths before we started dating. Everyone seemed to have an opinion and many people have involved themselves when there was no need and many lies were spread (including my so called friends). I moved in with DH in January and we married in April. I have never met eldest DSS but youngest 2 live at home. My stepdaughter and I have a fragile relationship but I do feel we will get there and she is very kind to my ds who has special needs. Dss is another situation. He just pretends I don't exist. If we meet in the house he ignores me and refuses to make eye contact. They're not the type of family to talk things out so DH thinks we definitely shouldn't confront him. They were all invited to our wedding but none even acknowledged the invitations and DH didn't ask them outright as he didn't want to rock the boat

You married a selfish man who cared more about his own needs than his grieving children. You're not much better yourself. The damage is done now so crack on as best you can because it's all about the lurve and making yourselves feel better. They are your step children, but it's not likely things will ever change because it was really not on of him to have put himself first. Of course he won't rock the boat, life's fine for him.

Also thank u Whatamistakewhatamistake for your support.

My first step mum died when I was in my early 20s. She'd been in my life since I was 10. My dad met his third wife within six weeks and married her just over a year later. I wasn't that close to my first step mum and was delighted my dad was with someone who made him happy, but I still had emotional whiplash. The firsts without her were ignored - or were the first with his new partner. My sister, who was close to our stepmum, never forgave my dad for the speed and because the second time she visited him after her death all the photos of his late wife were gone and replaced with photos of him and his new partner. Without warning and while she was very much grieving.

Don't encourage your DH to challenge his kids on their behaviour. If he starts the conversation, he won't like their response. For them to have a relationship with you, he needs to repair his relationship first. He screwed up badly being focused on himself when they were grieving and he needs to focus on what they need to fix that.

My mum is in this kind of situation, but 15 years on.
Her partner had 3 children, one eventually accepted their relationship, one recently got in touch and went to stay, and one kind of disowned him.
I think in the longer term it will cost him the ongoing relationships with some of them.

If my dad met someone so soon after my DM passed away, I'd be furious. Not even 1 year to mourn her death!

I'd hardly talk to my dad, let alone his new wife. I would have nothing to say to her tbh.

It's so very insensitive. You're in your 50s...not in your 70s/80s...hardly about to pop your clogs.

You should have waited. You both acted incredibly selfish, but now you've done so...you have to live with it.

“You are an intruder and someone who is taking away love and money from them and the memory of their mother, to be blunt.”

Why is the op taking money from them? They are adults, are you saying they assume their father’s money is their money too?

It's so very insensitive. You're in your 50s...not in your 70s/80s...hardly about to pop your clogs.

Well that's a daft thing to say, his wife has just died in her 50's (or there abouts) so I would believe thoughts of your own mortality are very much in forefront of your mind.

I too don't understand all this vitriol for the OP. Grief is subjective, when is the right time to move on??

I see no one has blamed the OP for the mothers death - just two monumentally selfish individuals who thought of no one but themselves.

Regardless of whether the 2 younger DCS were going to go flatting or not, moving in with your son was stupid.

They may come round but I can not see that happening whilst you are still in their family home, with their mum's memories around. Both your actions have prolonged their grieving - my father has also passed away now and there is no doubt the first parent to die is unbelievably hard and takes longer to find your new equilibrium from - these young adults have not been given that opportunity.

How is day to day stuff? Do you do anything like sit down and eat together? What about the little things like watching TV together or are the young adults in their rooms?

Well that's a daft thing to say, his wife has just died in her 50's (or there abouts)

Law of average. There was no rush and common sense should have told them both this was going to cause issues.

You both didn't care...so you have to deal with it.

6 months! And he was our dating after his wife passed.

Ppl in this situation are convinced others will come round. They don't have to and they don't want to. Their views didn't matter then...so why is it bothering you now?

I was well aware of the difficulties right from the beginning when we met. I am incredibly sorry for the heartache I have cause contrary to the beliefs on here. The first few months we were just friends going for coffee, walks etc. Someone spotted us having lunch (not local to where we live) and reported back to his family so DH was forced to admit to a relationship before it was even established. Really what DH wanted was companionship as he was lonely. The kids were either in their rooms or out with friends and this was the case before their mum passed away. Again meals were always eaten in rooms so nothing has changed there now. I do offer meals but very dh's son always refuses and his dad has occasionally said yes but takes plates to her room.

Sorry that should be daughter

OP stepmothers of any kind tend to be fair game on MN so I would ignore some of these responses. I understand the issue about mortality I have lost a number of friends who were in their 40s from cancer and similar…as for waiting for other reasons, studies show that adult stepchildren are far more likely to be hostile to a step-parent introduced at any point. So, if you had waited then you might still be waiting in your 70s…if you’re both still around and in decent health.

You and your partner have grasped at a chance at happiness that’s a positive thing, although moving in with stepchildren is either incredibly brave or incredibly foolhardy. Is there a possibility of moving? Or of finding a property where the stepchildren can be self-contained? Although given their ages I would have thought if your stepchildren were not happy with the situation, they are old enough to live independently. It would probably be better if you and OH had your own home, living in the family home will undoubtedly add to the stepchildren seeing you as replacing their mother, too many memories, opportunities for direct comparisons. A new space that you and OH decorate and put your own imprint on, seems a more positive solution. Otherwise I would ignore your DSS, if he’s not openly hostile then forcing it is likely to make things worse not better. Good luck. I personally would not move into a home where a partner’s ex had lived, whatever the circumstances…

Quite honestly think it's a little insensitive of your DH to expect you to live in the house that he and his wife lived in previously.

”By 25 months after the spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships. Younger age was a predictor of becoming involved in a new romance for women, and higher monthly income and level of education were predictors for men. Greater psychological well-being was highly correlated with being remarried or in a new romance 25 months after the spouse's death. It may be helpful for family, friends, and therapists to know that dating and remarriage are common and appear to be highly adaptive behaviors among the recently bereaved”.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8807029

Also the timeframe for remarrying in your DH’s situation is not unusual, it’s more common than not, above is just one article outlining that, and the fact that it's a healthy step; if you Google “men remarrying after wife dies statistics”, you will find many more examples. The mistake was moving into the former family home and agreeing to live with your adult stepchildren.

all I hope for is politeness
Him ignoring you might be as polite as is reasonable to expect if the guy is full of anger and bitterness.

Why should he be forced to make polite conversation to you. He owes you nothing.

I expect your oh's kids don't think much of him for rushing things because he needed companionship so desperately.

There is a big jump from being lonely and companionship to getting married and moving your new wife and step child into your family home.

I find in today's world you can find research or a study to support most points of view. It doesn't mean it's right.

Every action has an equal reaction. I would say this is as about as good as it gets until they move out at least.

Maybe things will thaw but it will all depend on the closeness of their relationship with their dad. Which doesn't seem to particularly strong.

That escalated rather quickly from coffee to marriage. It was clearly more than just friends.

Why didn't he say you were a friend? I suspect it looked like more than friends, hence someone felt the need to report back to his family.

As a pp said, it's probably better his DS ignores you, as you probably wouldn't want to hear what he has to say to you.

It doesn't sound like the situation is bothering your H, so let it lie and leave be.

Lori67, congratulations on your new marriage. Things do sound tricky for you at home though.

In order to gain some improvement in the relationships with the children, have you really tried being careful and ever so kind your husband’s children? You do sound a caring sort. Can you give the same kindness you’d give your own child, and then do a bit extra?

Small kindnesses can speak volumes. Perhaps buy them some shower gel they’d like, smile gently when you encounter them, leave them a note saying “Saw this, thought you’d like it. x” So it relentlessly, even if they do not acknowledge any of it.

Undoubtedly these young adults are hurt. Yjey are still young and might not approve of their father and believe they owe you no courtesy because you and dad have trampled on their feelings.
You could think of them as being vulnerable to the slightest offence, like a burn victim would fear every touch, even if kindly done. And only engage with them very very gently.

In order for your marriage to be harmonious I think you are going to need to put in 100% TLC and to do it, without it being recognised, for a long time. It’s going to be an uphill struggle. It will require a mindset change on your part. If they are hurting as much as I imagine, then you might want to treat them as if they are completely vulnerable, and do absolutely everything possible to make them trust you and believe you are definitely loyal and kind and prepared to fight their corner.

They will have mixed feelings and will be unlikely to be totally negative. I hope you are prepared to be humble and prepared for the slog. Not that you should let them wipe their feet on you. It’s a tricky balance but your aim is to earn their respect. They needn’t like you but it would be great if you achieve respect.