Mum driving a wedge

[Missboo1]

Hi all, looking for advice and possibly a rant! I am married and expecting my first baby imminently. My husband has a daughter who is 8, he was never in a relationship with her mum but stepped up and has very regular contact with his daughter - one night a week and more in the holidays.

We told his daughter we were expecting a few months ago and she has handled it well. Was very happy and excited to tell others and the only concern she'd displayed was asking whether she would keep her room at ours which she definitely is, at least for a few years!

About a month ago she said for the first time that she didnt want to sleep over. We didnt make a fuss as we knew there were plans the next day that she had so we checked with mum and dropped her home.

The next weekend was a similar story except she couldn't go home and had to stay and she became very hysterical crying for her mum and saying she couldnt stay. Eventually she calmed down, slept through the night and it was all forgotten the next day.

This weekend she refused to be picked up so hubby arranged with mums partner to collect the next morning. Mum then rang and gave an earful saying he was being a bad dad and was excluding his daughter and she felt unloved which came as a massive shock as she has always been very happy with us, says she's had a nice time, sleeps well, eats well and is chatty.

Hubby picked her up next day and we had a chat. Asked her what was upsetting her and she pointed at my tummy. Tried to reassure her as much as possible and went through the perks of being the oldest. Told her how she felt was normal but that we loved her very much and that wont change.

Next...she said (out of the mouth of babes) that her mum had said my husband is a bad dad, has done a rubbish job and that he will do a better job with this baby as he cares about it more. I'm furious. This little girl was as happy as a child can be at the prospect of a new sibling and its quite obvious that these comments have really upset her.

Seems mum has started playing up and trying to drive a wedge. Any advice on how to handle this? I dont want my husband to be emotionally manipulated into having to choose and I am incredibly hurt and stressed by this as I dont want anyone to resent my baby. So cross and upset.

Problem is one night per week and more in the holidays - is not a lot of contact. I am afraid he needs to step up some more weekends with her

She will get the baby will live there and she does not, 60 days per year does not allow for a stable regular relationship to develop and to be honest on that point the mother is right. He should have more contact and gone to court if she was difficult. If he did not - that to both her mother and her simply shows a lack of interest / care - yes.

Daddy will now love the baby 7 days per week, 365 days of the year - she gets about 60 in her brain - she gets less.

What ever the mother has said - does not excuse the completely piss poor level of contact he has / or has allowed to have and not worked on it.

He needs to step up some more- right now

Hey Op,
I hope the situation gets better.
I'm also pregnant with my first and I have this gut wrenching feeling that as soon as the baby is born my SD mum is going to do the same.
All you can do is reassure your SD and make sure she feels included when she stays over.
Good luck x

Hi op - is there a reason he only gets one overnight per week?
When my exh's dp got pregnant with their first he suggested cutting back our kids as he reckoned they weren't going to be happy & he said he didn't want to force them to stay over if they didn't want to - they were 10, 13 & 19 (19 yr old not relevant at that point tbh) at the time. I said absolutely no way; that now more than ever they needed to be included in his life/new family even if they initially thought they didn't want to. When the kids were indeed lukewarm (but only for a bit) I explained to them they'd as much a right to be with their dad as the baby & that if they didn't muck in & get used to things they'd regret it.

I think the dm here is bang out of order in what she's saying to you dsd - that's a dreadful thing to put on a child. However if possible I do think your dsd needs to spend a bit more time with her dad if possible & your dh should look into this.

Hi Magda. That has always been the arrangement agreed since my husband was told he was a father when she was a toddler. Its always fri afternoon until sat evening or sat morning until sun evening. Occasionally both nights if theres something going with either family etc. I dont think his daughter would want to stay longer ie two nights every weekend as i know she likes to spend with her mum at the weekend and they go out and about. I admit we've never asked her though.

Shes also settled at school and i dont if splitting each week and having half her time here would be something she would want? Especially when we live the other side of the city.

I just felt it was unnecessary of her mother - we're all navigating unknown waters and its the childs feelings we're trying to preserve it seems cruel to say that. Like purposefully trying to make her fearful and resentful of the baby when it could b3 something very positive for her to bond with dad over.

Keep reassuring her as you and involve them when the baby is here. Terrible thing to say from her mum who seems to have not got over the fact that their relationship didn't work.

Seems mum has started playing up and trying to drive a wedge. Any advice on how to handle this?

Or maybe he really was a shit Dad and she’s just being honest?

Shouldn’t be voicing that opinion to a child though should she @Carol. Look what she’s caused, emotional distress for her own child, stellar parenting.

Sounds like the ex is a bit envious and worried dd will enjoy very much her life with a sibling....

Hi @Missboo1 - I just re read your op & saw that dh & dm were never in a relationship - don't know how I missed that. His situation now makes more sense to me. I know a friend of a friend who was in a similar situation - she got pregnant, wasn't in a relationship with the guy & while she acknowledges he's stepped up & is a good dad she never wanted him overly involved as she felt that would restrict her if she met someone or chose to move. In fairness to the guy he totally got that. He sees his ds eow, does stuff with extended family at Christmas & takes his ds on two weekends away each year. This does not make him a shit dad it just means he's respectful of the fact that he and his ds's mum have minimal history & he's respecting her space & the unit she's created with her ds. Furthermore the child is happy and at 10 understands the situation as it was explained to him in age appropriate language.
Your dh is not in a normal split situation & my reading of what has happened here is that either
A) the dm is after getting a shock and perceives your baby as possibly upending the routine she has established around her weekends & is also possibly worried about maintenance.

B) It could also be that on some level she held on to a fanciful notion that her family unit was her, your dh & their dd & she could preserve this fantasy so long as he had no other kids.
Or C) She has actually resented having to have your dh in her life all this time & now in some weird way is using this to push him out so she can focus on a family unit with her dp & her dd.
Whatever is going on she has an issue with your dh which she is taking out on her child & to this extent your dh really needs to talk to her & try to get to the root of what's going on.
Is his access court ordered & is he on the birth cert?

Does he not have any midweek access and take her to school? My ex has ds every Tuesday after school over night and one over night a week at the weekend plus any extras in the holidays, he’s just had a week at Easter. It does seem not a lot.

My ds has a little wobble when his df was having another child but I spoke to his df and he put him at ease. Totally different to when I had my second child he referred to her as not a proper sister and only half sibling, at the time he was bitter I moved on and I brushed it off and they have a fantastic relationship as does ds with his younger brother. Plenty of positive reinforcement and don’t discuss what mum has said anymore.

@magda72 no not on the birth certificate and maintenance/contact has been sorted privately. There is minimal contact with mum, everything is done by text and she doesnt often come to the door at drop off/pick up so not a lot of face to face talking. Ive encouraged my husband but he is often keen to avoid instiating conversation or discussion so there is a communication barrier.
We've always included his daughter as much as possible with holidays, things with extended family etc but as they were never together and my husband didnt know he has never lived with his child as a family unit. We have never said or planned for contact or maintenance to change unless it was instigated by his daughter ie when she reaches her teens and might want to do her own thing more at the weekends.
I thinks its unfair to say he is a bad dad. He was a young man at uni when he found out but from day one has had weekly contact, holidays etc so its been tough on him too as she was a toddler. He is trying his best. We can talk about upping access but i dont know whether it would be wise to commit to anything when I'll be giving birth in a few weeks? Just because it might be agreed but then if i go into labour etc he would have to cancel etc and let his daughter down. Both work full time so she'd have to start an after school club one afternoon/morning a week to facilitate pickup and drop off

one night a week is not a good dad - sorry, the refusal to engage with the mother, not asking.

OP - this is not a crack at you but that is avoidance on a stellar scale, maintenance are we saying he pays the same as he did 8 yrs ago, does not challenge contact.

One day per week - she is not part of your family, it is always party time with Dad and he should have addressed this years ago. It is not tough for him, he needs to man up and be a proper part of his childs life.

Stuffedpeppers - well no, he had paid an amount of maintenance stipulated by her mum since he was told he was a father 6 years ago when his daughter was 2.5 and this amount has increased and hes paid for anything else required. If you read my post the parents were never a couple and he has never lived with his daughter. Im not sure at the age of nearly 9 his daughter will want to begin splitting her life 50/50 as this set up is all shes ever known. Its not ideal but it is what it is. If she ever said she wanted to live with us off her own bat and alluded or asked for this we would agree. You're right in that sometimes it feels shes not part of the family but this is why I was upset her mum had said negative things to her as our new family going forward is beginning and we want her to feel part of the family as much as is feasible given the circumstances. I dont think what youve said takes into account what ive said- my husband saying he wants 50/50 woule completely change his daughters life and seperate her from her mum half the week. I wouldn't have wanted that at her age.

OP - I am not saying 50:50 but for 6.5 yrs he has only bothered with contact once per week. I am sorry but that is token. i get it this was a one night stand - but his contact and maintenance have been token at best.

If he really wanted more then he would have pushed for more but he did not. His contact is about what he felt he ahd to do - not what his duaghter needed to build a good bond with her Dad and his family.

Mum set the maintenance - but you give no indication whether that is the absolute minimum or an overly generous amount. Is it under the CSA minima?

You are absolutely right she is not part of your family because your DH has made no effort - has this child ever been on holiday with you both as a family? How are you going to explain family holidays in the future - you, DH and new baby and she does not come because it does not fit into the one night a week he can be bothered with.

He has "done his bit and the bare minimum" in the past and quite frankly the mother is right ( should not have said what she did, if it is true) - but lets be honest this is a wanted child on the way, she was not wanted and has made his life difficult. If he was that engaged with his child he would have pushed for more contact.

Asking for 50:50 at this time with a new baby coming is absolutely the wrong thing to do and no one is saying every weekend but EOW and a night in the week should have been the basic for the past 6 yrs - he should have done it years ago. 52/365 nights.

To say you are a new family going forward -is absolute rubbish, you should have been a family for quite some time. Now suddenly the new baby is going to change the dynamic and you now want to consider yourselves a new family - too late.

Your defence of piss poor parenting regardless of the background is as you can see annoying me intensely.

Sorry missed one point - you were waiting for her to become a teen to instigate change in contact and maintenance - please, she is and has been a child, can you not see how ridiculous your statement is.

As a teen she is probably going to want to see Dad less not more as friends take over - but then that would suit you.

Nothing has been tough on him, he had unprotected sex on a one night stand and babies happen when you do that - he is a father he needs to start manning up and being a proper one for his daughter and stop playing the woe is me, my life changed, it has been hard etc - not as hard as it is for his daughter.

@stuffed - in fairness you are giving this guy a very hard time. It took the dm 2.5 years to bother letting him know he's a dad - that's crap parenting imo. He missed out on vital bonding time because he was denied it! I'm not going to speak for the op or her dh but if someone got pregnant by me, never bothered telling me, then told me 2.5 years later, then set maintenance but my name wasn't on the birth certificate I'd be feeling pretty much like they had all the power; that my relationship with my dd was basically at the mercy of her dm & I'd be disinclined to rock the boat too!
Also you have NO idea the circumstances of the conception so to assume it was unprotected sex or irresponsible sex is not really fair - contraception fails.
@Missboo1 - would your dh think of going to court for birth cert & set access? I'm in Ireland so not sure how easy it is to retrospectively amend a birth certificate in the U.K. or whether he could do this without the dm's consent?

Hi @magda and @stuffedpepper - I'm sorry but we dont have a contact issue ). His daughter stays every weekend for at least one night, we split holidays and she has gone away with is and mum receives double the amount of maintenance stipulated by csa based on my husbands salary.

My concern was not about how much contact we're having but how we can tackle making this as easy for his daughter as possible when we're facing opposition by mum. She has got my husband where she wants him and she calls the shots as all contact is dictated by her.

I dont think fannying about setting up one night in the working week when his daughter attends a primary school the other side of the city and would have to start a breakfast and evening club until 6pm or a child minder until later is in anyone's best interest. Im certainly not prepared to stick a new born in a carseat for 2 x 2hour round journeys until schools break up in 10 weeks ish.

Dear me. I wish people would read the thread before wading in, it at least read all the op’s Posts. It’s not hard as they are highlighted.

This is a horrible situation that you are all in OP. Your husband has bent over backwards to accommodate his child’s mother and this is how she repays him. This is the beginning of Parental Alienation and it might be worth his while having a word with a family law specialist if it can be afforded. Just for some initial advice. It may be that a gently but professionally worded letter might be all that is needed to get mum to see sense and back off.

All you can do is damage limitation. Don't ever insult or criticise her mum. She needs to feel safe and secure as a part of your family.

Include her as much as possible. Don't cancel visits or move her out of her room. Don't even discuss this as a possibility in the future. Make a big deal about being a big sister. Same as you would do for any existing sibling. Give her jobs to help with the baby. Make sure she still has some alone time with her dad. Don't make her access time all about the baby. Make it normal family time.

Does your DH have phone contact with her? Maybe he could FaceTime her during the week?

Hi @Missboo1 - I understand where you're coming from & I understand your issue is with how to counterbalance what the dm is saying. However, my point which I possibly am not explaining very well is that without any sort of legal security your dh will always be at the mercy of his dd's dm. Parental alienation will be attempted anyway if that's what this woman is hell bent on doing, but there are a lot of sm's on here who say that their dps/dhs got a good level of relief & security from having legal access. That's why I would suggest your dh should at least explore his options in this respect. If this women ever decides to cease contact or to persuade her dd to cease contact your dh has no comeback. I'm sorry to sound so full of doom. The practical advice a pp has given re reassurance is spot on, but I think your dh has a larger problem that just what is being said at the moment.

Sorry @magda that previous post wasn't really directed at you. I apologise. To answer your question mum has previously refused to amend the birth certificate but I'm not sure if my husband has asked again. Im not sure he can do it without her consent. In regards to court access I'm not sure I know that previously she refused as this meant another paternity test.

Just seems so sad and overwhelming to have to begin a legal procees. Part of me feels like giving her a shake and telling her to buck up as my husband is really at her mercy and I think this is exploited. There is a lot of you wont see her unless xyz which is never carried out but causes distress. This is usually if my husband has requested an alternative night to the one she wants or an alternative week in the holidays because of work etc and booking time off.

This type of behaviour by any parent should not be allowed.
petition.parliament.uk/petitions/249833

It is sad in some ways to begin a legal process, but it is actually protection for both parents and needn't be confrontational. It also gets professionals involved who will be able to see that he has actually been an exemplary father, in spite of what some other posters say - stepping up to the plate as soon as he knew of his daughter's existence, bending over backwards to accommodate Mum and paying over the odds for maintenance. Frankly, if you husband needs legal protection, he needs it - and his daughter needs it too.

You might consider getting a DNA test for him and his daughter. Not because there is any question as to her paternity but to set it in stone and add weight to anything he does legally. Mum can't fall back on 'well she's not his kid anyway.' Unlikely but not unheard of. You don't need her permission for it given that the little one stays over with you.

Do you know why it took her 3 years to tell your husband he was a father?

@megs4x3 he was told by her when she was pregnant that it wasnt his and was someone else's. She must have changed her mind!

All the more reason to get a DNA test done. I'm so sorry to hear that he has been manipulated the way he has. He sounds like a really good man. :-)