Mum driving a wedge

[Missboo1]

Hi all, looking for advice and possibly a rant! I am married and expecting my first baby imminently. My husband has a daughter who is 8, he was never in a relationship with her mum but stepped up and has very regular contact with his daughter - one night a week and more in the holidays.

We told his daughter we were expecting a few months ago and she has handled it well. Was very happy and excited to tell others and the only concern she'd displayed was asking whether she would keep her room at ours which she definitely is, at least for a few years!

About a month ago she said for the first time that she didnt want to sleep over. We didnt make a fuss as we knew there were plans the next day that she had so we checked with mum and dropped her home.

The next weekend was a similar story except she couldn't go home and had to stay and she became very hysterical crying for her mum and saying she couldnt stay. Eventually she calmed down, slept through the night and it was all forgotten the next day.

This weekend she refused to be picked up so hubby arranged with mums partner to collect the next morning. Mum then rang and gave an earful saying he was being a bad dad and was excluding his daughter and she felt unloved which came as a massive shock as she has always been very happy with us, says she's had a nice time, sleeps well, eats well and is chatty.

Hubby picked her up next day and we had a chat. Asked her what was upsetting her and she pointed at my tummy. Tried to reassure her as much as possible and went through the perks of being the oldest. Told her how she felt was normal but that we loved her very much and that wont change.

Next...she said (out of the mouth of babes) that her mum had said my husband is a bad dad, has done a rubbish job and that he will do a better job with this baby as he cares about it more. I'm furious. This little girl was as happy as a child can be at the prospect of a new sibling and its quite obvious that these comments have really upset her.

Seems mum has started playing up and trying to drive a wedge. Any advice on how to handle this? I dont want my husband to be emotionally manipulated into having to choose and I am incredibly hurt and stressed by this as I dont want anyone to resent my baby. So cross and upset.

It’s not fair to call him a bad dad, access should be for what ever suits the child. If the child wants more - access is increased.

She could go to her dads 50% and she hates it. It’s entirely situational

OP I’d love bomb her. Can you redecorate her bed room? Look at buying books for siblings when new baby comes? Take her to a scan? Order matching clothes? I ordered a matching t-shirt on line for dd2 and one for dd3 for when I brought her home, she loved it!

I’d 100% go down the court route.

For once i am going to sound like Northern Spirit - he needs to go to court - grow a pair of balls and stand up for his relationship with his daughter.

Only he can do this -yes she is dictating because he is letting her. Man up and go to court

Sorry that you're in this situation. We had this albeit SS being 14 when DS came along. He's now 17 and we haven't seen him since last May :( I hope it works better for you than it did for us. It's a horrible situation to be in.

he was told by her when she was pregnant that it wasnt his and was someone else's. She must have changed her mind!

Are you seriously saying he never did a paternity test? If so, that's incredibly foolish of him.

She says he's not the dad...then she contacts him 2.5 years later...and he didnt think he should confirm this. Wow.

My advice is to do a paternity test. You don't need the mother's consent. Look online and get it done.

She may well have just decided, he was the best bet out of the men she slept with.

As far as what she said to his DD ... the mum is out of order and the pp trying to defend that are wrong.

Feel for you OP. We are in a similar boat with DP's ex, who badmouths DP to the children at every opportunity(which slips out when the children are staying at our house) not once have we ever said anything negative or that could be construed as negative about her in front of the children.
Really would like to throttle these selfish ex partners who try and poison their childrens' minds against their parent. It's not fair on that/those children, it really isn't. Just clinging to the hope that eventually those children will grow up and remember who was the parent who was there for them and never said anything nasty or tried to use them as weapons.......

OP 6 years ago I could have written the same with regards to DPs XW and eldest DSD. She told her that he wouldn't love her now he had a biological daughter, that he'd leave her and not bother with her.

It took days of trying to get to the bottom of it, and a few weeks of reassurance, quality time with Dad and me (if she wanted with me) and showing her that she had her place in the family as she'd always had. The reality is she was a scared wee lassie that had been told a horrible lie, and that with time and perseverance and a shitload of love and proving things weren't going to change and that she's always loved things got better.

They're the best of pals now, in fact DD asked for DSD to pick her up from school when her study leave started so she could show her off to all her wee pals!

It's hard going emotionally for everyone when a new baby comes, but pulling together is the way to fix this.

It sounds to me like your partner is a good, solid parent who has made the best of the situation that he's found himself in.

It also sounds like this woman is worried for herself and how this baby will affect HER through your partners relationship with his daughter. As a result she is pouring poison into her daughters ear in the hope that this will cause problems for you and put a sour spin on to this happy time for you.

All you can do is power through. Continue to offer stability and remind her of how much you love her. How about making some plans for when the baby gets here with her so she knows she's included?

My SC’s mum says all these nasty and cruel sort of things to them. All the time making out that she’s Mother of the Year. She has told the step kids that DH chose me and my son (we have no kids together) over their kids and because of that he is a shit dad and loves them less. It’s heart breaking to see them being son confused, especially the youngest but DH can’t do anything to stop her. You have my sympathies OP.

It's the big unknown to the SD at the min. When the baby is here things will get better. Make sure she receives a gift from the baby-we did a tshirt with sister written on it and a cup saying 'big sister'. Also I'd suggest a couple of days after birth for your DH and DSD to go out for a meal or something like that, just the two of them