What do I do?!

[Hollykate30]

Hey guys I am hoping there are some stepmums out there who can help me!

This morning I have had a huge argument with my bf about his daughter. Condensing it slightly, he is going to go and pick her up after school tomorrow (we don’t live close to her school and he doesn’t drive) it takes about an hour and a half and he has to leave work early and then go to work late the next morning – he is a self employed brick layer and there is a chance that if he does this he will lose his current job. I also don’t agree with her staying because she goes to bed so late on the Tuesday and he has to get her up at 5:30amm_ to get her to the breakfast club and at 5 years old I just think it isn’t fair and she will be exhausted but I don’t say anything.

I didn’t say anything, he kept going on and on and eventually I said I was concerned he was going to lose his job. I am pregnant and we are trying to saving for a house so if he loses his job we will really be in a serious situation (we don’t have any savings between us either). He just went off – swearing at me, saying I didn’t want him to see his child, saying that I hate her, I am f*d in the head, I am trying to stop him seeing her and some really nasty things. He said he was going to move out and rent a room somewhere and asked for his money back which we had in savings (I gave him the money back).

There was an incident a month ago where he really hurt me and excluded me from a decision (he decided to take Monday off work to spend time with his daughter – last minute on the Sunday and text his boss who wasn’t happy). After this I explained to him that I clearly don’t have a say in what happens so moving forward I am not longer going to get involved. Prior to this I was bending over backwards doing the school pick up and drop off so he would see her and not lose his job and I would go into work late. I haven’t said that I wouldn’t do the pick up or drop off but I am not going to offer as he never appreciated what I did and I am hoping that if he has to ask he will start appreciating what I am doing. I would also pay all the fares etc to go and get her as he had no money. I also suggested we set up a savings account for her and put a little in each week so in the future we can treat her to nice birthdays and Christmas.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t live like this and it just seems whatever I do I always am the wicked step mum! Has any one else lived through this or have any advice? Anything would be so helpful right now I just feel so lost!

Thanks for the help in advance xxx

I think it's hard for some parents to realise they can only see their child at certain times due to separation, distance.

Your partner needs to remember that he has to life his life every day as well. He needs to make sure he has a job, house etc to be able to provide.

Perhaps there could be a suggestion that he sees her on the weekends or goes to the school on special occasions (Father's Day events if they have them, sports day etc)

Parents get very defensive about their children and sometimes can't see what it really is like. He is very childish to say you don't like her etc if you disagree on when he should see her, you're a partnership

@New2Parenting thanks for the message of support. I appreciate how hard it must be for him but I just don't think the way he acts is fair and I feel like he isn't actually doing the best by here. She has to get up so early and by doing this he could potentially not be able to financially support her xxx

I agree, but it's hard for parents to see that what their doing might not be the best for the child.

Can you try and sit down with him and talk about how you feel?

Why is this happening? Did his 3x ask because she has something going on? Or is it because his DD ask to see him? Did his ex moved or did he move away? Did he use to see her more?

In the end it is his choice as long as it doesn't impact on you directly. As for the risk of losing his job, you might be jumping to assumption. Maybe he had it agree by his boss who is sympathetic.

The most concerning part is that he thinks you hate her. Why does he think that?

@New2Parenting trust me if I could I would - he doesn't listen - last night he spent the night in the spare room refusing to talk about it. I give up xxx

@swingofthings no the DD hasn't asked to see him directly - the little girls mum has moved further away and her school is in the middle between us. He actually saw her less before we were together and I have been the one who has pushed for them to see each other more and provided somewhere for them to stay. Without going into too much detail social services had become involved and he wasn't allowed to see her as he didn't have a fixed address they could visit.

I honestly don't know - I asked him and he said whenever he mentions her name I go moody?! I really don't but I am not 100% overjoyed the same way he I am polite. I think she is a really nice little girl but I don't love her - that comes with time and its not fair for him to behave like
This because I don't have instant love for her. He spent last night sulking in the spare roof refusing to speak to me! Xxx

Is it just me or does this sound like it's not really to do with the daughter?

He wasn't allowed to see his daughter before.
You've had to 'push him' to spend more time with his daughter now.
He's only able to see her now because you're providing them both with somewhere to stay.
You've been paying his fares to get to see her.
He's jeopardising his job.
When you raise concerns he tells you you're f^%$ked in the head and other 'really nasty things'.
He threatens to move out and leave you on the basis of such concerns.

To me, it sounds like the biggest problem here is not the issues around his daughter – it sounds like you're in a relationship with a still-chaotic, irresponsible and potentially volatile person who is probably not recovered enough from whatever left him with no fixed abode to be bringing a new person into the world with you.

You're having to manage so much here – I'd focus on keeping yourself and your unborn child secure and cared for first, before you start trying to manage him into holding down a job and maintaining a relationship with his daughter...

Saying all that with love and hugs, by the way - I realise it might look a bit blunt and stark there, but alarm bells started to ring pretty early on in your post...

How long have you actually been with him?

I've read your other threads now.

This is all far too quick. I'd call it a day, like you were considering.

Without going into too much detail social services had become involved and he wasn't allowed to see her as he didn't have a fixed address they could visit.

This coupled with how he treats you, and all the shite you’ve put up with so far?

It’s too much. Honestly, just why are you putting up with this? And now you’re going to drag an innocent baby into the middle
Of it.

@ladybee28 thanks for your message and I agree with you on all your points and am thinking it's best for all of us to walk away. I really appreciate your comments xxx

@keepyerbrowson we have been together a year xxx

@IvanaPee thanks for your message. I am not going to put up with it anymore - it's just too much.

In relation to the baby I don't think I could get rid as I feel attached however if I didn't think I could
Provide the baby with a life by myself I honestly wouldn't have the baby. I work full time and earn a good living, my parents are close and have said they will help with child care when I go back to work and are also going to help me with a deposit for a house so I will have security. Xxx

Oh right, it's just you posted two weeks ago saying you'd been together 6 months. And you planned this baby.

We have been living together for 6 months - sorry for the confusion and I have always wanted a baby and things were good but it's just going downhill

Oh god I wasn’t saying terminate the pregnancy!

Just terminate the relationship with this fuckwit.

@IvanaPee oh ha ha ha!! That's the problem with things online lol! Xxx

I agree, ditch him asap. It's a relatively new relationship and already he treats you like shit. Things won't change much so unless you are happy to settle for a life of emotional abuse, then you should break up.

@Drum2018 thanks for your comment - I am going to - in fact going to do it tonight - thanks for your support ladies xxx

You've made a massive mistake actively planning a pregnancy with a man you've been with 6 months. (Sorry, I don't believe it's been a year, based on what you've said previously).

You speak in a previous thread about splitting up and remaining in the same house with him when the baby is born.

That's a ludicrous idea for all concerned, especially the two poor kids, and I really hope you just call it a day.

Make a clean break, for everyone's sake and don't be so impulsive when there's children to consider in future.

I don't know your relationship background, but in case you're hesitating about breaking up while pregnant, know that you'll be ok, especially if your parents are there for you. I was a single mother with an ex in another country and after a very unsatisfying relationship, I just felt so happy being alone, concentrating on my son, instead of taking care of an ungrateful man. At some point, try to understand why you chose someone like this and chose a better man next time. All the best!

@keepyerbrowson thanks for your advice - all is taken on board.

@Anuta77 thanks for the message - really appreciate it xxx

I could be wrong, but were you worried about your biological clock and the pregnancy was more important than a long term partner?

You seem really prepared for pregnancy, but choice of partner sounds rushed and not steady.

Good luck 💐