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Looking for opinions about looking after SC

50 replies

Princessphoebe75 · 23/04/2019 23:21

My DH has 3 children from a former relationship, and over the last few years their mum has asked him to have SC whilst she goes on holiday. Absolutely no problems with this at first, it started as a one off. Then it was twice and between now and September 2020 there is over 3 weeks she has asked about. The problem is, they are always during term time and it feels like my DHs holiday leave is being consumed every single year, and the time off he has is being dictated to us by his EXW . DH doesn't want to say no but we have to save some of our annual holidays to cover our own DC during the school holidays. We know we should be having them, but it feels a bit unfair that DH cannot choose when he wants some holidays. Is there anything we can do about this? Just to add that we have them every week, not always set nights etc due to DH shifts but we live in a small town and even if they're not staying overnight one or all of them may call in to ours. DH relationship with EXW is not that great, amicable terms for the childrens sake.

OP posts:
stuffedpeppers · 24/04/2019 00:13

I am unable to understand your issue here.

She has asked the children's father to look after his kids for 3 separate weeks over an 18 month period. All during term time, when neither he or she would be able to take them away on holiday. So they are all in school during the day am not sure why he has to take that time off aswell.

There is nothing stopping your DH from asking the same of her and get in first on the weeks.

Your DH also have to take some time off to cover their school holidays aswell or is that solely the mum's job.

I am struggling to see why looking after his DCs whilst in school most of the day for 3 separate weeks, not in prime time is causing you and your DH to have your holiday dictated to. She already seems to accommodate his shift work.

Maybe I am missing the point - but this to me is low confrontation, she has asked, he can say no, ask for an alternative week ask her to help with some extra child care that his new family can not cover and she ahs given 18 months notice - seriously does not get much better than that.

w0man · 24/04/2019 00:29

If it's during term time why does he need time off, wouldn't the kids be in school? Could the childcare arrangements you have for your dc be used for his dc too? Are they old enough to be home until you or their Dad returns from work?

You say contact depends on his shifts and isn't a set time? It sounds like his ex is flexible for him and doesn't expect a set routine RE contact, I don't think it's a big ask for a Dad to have his children a few weeks over the next 17 months. Esp if the children are looked after by her the bulk of the time and she doesn't complain about contact revolving around his shift patterns.

I know it's hard and juggling childcare can be stressful but he's their Dad and is responsible for sorting childcare of his children with his ex as well as for the children he has with you, and it sounds like she's given you both plenty of notice. 2020 is quite a way off yet. If he doesn't like being put on the spot then and asked to commit to a few weeks a year then maybe a formal contact arrangement would be better than the casual one you have now? Alothough he might lose the flexibility he has with contact organised around his work patterns.

Does he have his children in large chunks overnight during school holidays?

Princessphoebe75 · 24/04/2019 07:28

Agreed we have good flexibility with contact, but DH has been doing same job for 18 years so it hasn't changed since separating with EXW.
I think I probably should have added in my OP that SC need taking to school, even though they are at high school. There is no direct public transport, it would mean a 10 min walk at the other end, and without DH around I could not get all children to school. So yes he has to be around in the morning and pre book the holiday. His shift starts at 6am.
I still have one DC at nursery and I use breakfast and afterschool club which isn't an option at high school. Nursery and school are within walking distance for me and I can also get to work.
So yes when all children are at school DH is sat at home on his own !!! It would be nice to have some of the school holidays off to see all kids. Their mum works term time only.
Every so often DH work pattern involves an extended break and during this time we have SC probably half of it usually 3 nights.

OP posts:
Redken24 · 24/04/2019 07:31

If it was your kids with him would this even be a problem?
Sorry I don't see this as an issue. Lots of notice, getting to see his kids..

stucknoue · 24/04/2019 07:31

Why not have a sitter for after school? I'm assuming they are school age. We don't take time off in term time because we have kids!

stucknoue · 24/04/2019 07:32

A high school kid can walk 10 mins! A taxi may be another option

TimetohittheroadJack · 24/04/2019 07:36

I think a 10 min walk, after getting the bus is fine, especially as there is 3 of them. And can’t they just do the reserve journey after school, come home themselves and mooch about eating cereal like most high school kids do?

Mintandthyme · 24/04/2019 07:37

SC need taking to school, even though they are at high school. There is no direct public transport, it would mean a 10 min walk at the other end

Your husband takes a week off work so that his secondary school age children don’t have to walk for 10 minutes at either end of their journey to and from school?? Are you serious?

tisonlymeagain · 24/04/2019 07:41

If he doesn't want to do it, just say no? Confused

There's nowhere in our parenting agreement that says the other patent has to step in because one wants to go off on a jolly.

helpmum2003 · 24/04/2019 07:44

I think you need to rethink the walking 10 mins - unless they go to school in a very dodgy area that is ridiculous. Teaching independence is part of parenting. That solves your problem!

Ikeameatballs · 24/04/2019 07:44

How come their mum works term time only but is then going on hols in term time?

Magda72 · 24/04/2019 08:38

What @helpmum2003 & @Ikeameatballs say. A 10 minute walk should be no problem unless the weather is truly awful (taxi) or the area is super dodgy. And yes if the dm only works term time who is she then taking holidays in term time?

EvilDog · 24/04/2019 08:48

I can’t get over the fact he takes annual leave to take 11+ children to school.
Let them walk! Give them a key to lock up in the morning and get back in after school!

My dc are 14/15 and have been coming home alone to an empty house since they started. I walked in from work to a pork belly roast dinner on Tuesday that dd had made for us all after she’d finished her homework!
Bloody hell talk about babying teenagers!

Inforthelonghaul · 24/04/2019 09:44

I was kind of sympathetic until I saw the bit about walking to school. If they’re at secondary school they can handle a 10 min walk and leave the house secure, that’s perfectly normal and acceptable. Your DH does not need to take holiday at all it is entirely his choice to do so and that is a discussion you need to have with him.

Spanglyprincess1 · 24/04/2019 11:48

A ten min walk is fine, I used to walk 25 min to school as live rurually and it was that or not go.
The kids will be fine. He needs to stop babying them and let them get the bus and walk. How do they get to school normally? I bet they walk or get a bus

stuffedpeppers · 24/04/2019 11:52

OP - your comments really do mean I do not understand.

  1. a 10 minute walk to school is nothing for an 11+ yr old - even in the rain

2.His shift work is no longer his EXs problem, that she still accommodates it - is good on her.

  1. She works term time only - so I get the impression she does all holiday cover, bar the normal shift pattern stuff - then she is a saint and her 3weeks in 18 months is really reasonable.
  1. DHs EX is quite frankly bending over backwards to ensure relation ship with father , she no longer has to consider his shift work but does and covers all the holidays bar the variable contact arrangements which seem to vary from 0-3 days per week - so on that basis she is doing 75:25 on the most generous arrangement.

She is not being unreasonable and your DH needs to do more.
Sorry no case to answer on the EX in my book

arseabouttit · 24/04/2019 12:03

Agree with PPs - find a way to get them to school and back from your place - taxi / lift share ? There are always options. He could offer EXW a compromise that he will take one week off per year only during term time and the rest of the hols must be school hols as he'd actually like to spend time with them when he's taken a week off. If she's working term time only how can she be taking additional time off anyway, I'm assuming it's in an educational setting? Maybe not.

If they are dropping in to yours midweek, how are they getting there?

Regardless of all that he and ex need to discuss it properly and come to an agreement over holiday periods so there is more clarity but she's not unreasonable to ask.

Spanglyprincess1 · 24/04/2019 12:51

I do agree having re read it some time. Off with the kids in school holiday would be better as you could all do things as a family plus your dp can spend quality time. With kids. After and before school alone isn't much time

Princessphoebe75 · 24/04/2019 13:49

I don't know why, but when the eldest 2 started high school mum arranged lifts to and from school with at least 2 other mums between them. If she has the children she drops them off at school, it is kind of on her way to work. I thought at the time it was just until they got used to it. They did not get their first choice high school, so I don't think alternative arrangements were thought of. However you have 6 months to sort this. To this day i don't know why this has carried on, but as she tells us what she does is her business. I believe and it is just my opinion, that they would not get to school on time. They cannot get up in a morning in a timely fashion, everything is always last minute. They did have late marks on their school reports from primary school. Yes she does tell DH, they are a nightmare in the morning and yes they do spend far too long on computers, phones and tablets etc way past what to us is a reasonable time in the evening. But as were told its nothing to do with us. So I think she is making sure they get to school on time and I know people will say this is just how kids are. And I don't think its about using public transport, because just recently as they're getting a bit older they're now asking to meet friends in town etc. And no it's not a dodgy area, there are a few primary schools in the vacinity so lots of children walking to school. Thete is a main road to cross which is fairly busy, but i do believe there are crossings. I most definitely agree that if they can do this they should be able to get themselves to school. I think that have just got used to being ferried around Grin

Yes everyone is quite right they should be getting themselves to school, and after this thread it's actually highlighted to me that perhaps her requesting the holidays isn't the problem it's how we then deal with it. Because we mostly have contact when DH is off, and this can fall over weekend I suppose we don't really think about it either and what we do is just part of our routine. It's the impact of school runs when DH is at work.

She does not work in a school she is term time but still is entitled to annual holidays as well. However the reason she took a term time job was because at the time they knew they would struggle for childcare during holidays.

@stuffedpeppers actually DH shift pattern is most definitely something she has to think about- why is she being gracious accommodating it ? DH is not in a position to say I'll have children set regular contact on wed, thu, fri for example as he could be working 3 night shifts ?? Or his days off could fall on sat, sun, mon etc. And as she has quite rightly maintained that when SC are here DH should be here too !! So I'm at a loss as to how you think.his shifts are not at all relevant.Confused

Also, no she does not do all school holidays. This Easter they went away abroad in the second week. The first week they were with us Tues-Thu and then came on the Sunday for tea. Feb half term they were here Sun - Tue. However, back to my original point if DH wasnt taking term time hols, then we could have school hols as well. Although as I've already stated I am going to look at changing how they get to school.

They come in the week sometimes for tea, for example DH finishes at 2pm,he might text / ring asking if they want to come for tea, he'll pick them up from school and then take them home later. Their grandma doesn't live far from us and so sometimes if they go there with mum and DH has been on an early, they might call in.

I fully appreciate we have great flexibility but it has to be that way for everyone including their mum.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 24/04/2019 14:10

It seems a shame that leave is being wasted in term time. Hopefully you’ll find a way for them to be able to get to and from school on their own, then it won’t be an issue.

Otherwise if I were your DH I’d say to the ex that I’ll be using my leave to cover half the school holidays so I won’t be able to cover her term time holidays without the kids for her. That wouldn’t be unreasonable.

CanILeavenowplease · 24/04/2019 14:36

actually DH shift pattern is most definitely something she has to think about- why is she being gracious accommodating it ? DH is not in a position to say I'll have children set regular contact on wed, thu, fri for example as he could be working 3 night shifts ??

Of course it's gracious! You are basically saying the ex has to fit her life around her ex's working pattern and tough if she wants it any other way. Who knows what sort of restrictions that has placed on her getting better paid work, promotions, pay rises or just another job?

Lilyflower2000 · 24/04/2019 14:45

Re the shift pattern - I have to plan my life around my ex's shift pattern even though we are no longer together and to be honest it's bloody annoying! I never know where I am, and it's almost impossible to plan things in advance, but I do it for the sake of our son x

EvilDog · 24/04/2019 15:29

What they said. Ex wife is well within her rights and responsibilities to just say ‘you want to have them 3 days a week but if it falls on a night you’re working then that’s for you to sort out with regards to childcare etc’ rather than being accommodating enough to work around his shifts and make the dc available for when he is. Count yourself lucky!

HappyHedgehog247 · 24/04/2019 16:04

Re the shift pattern. Ex’s do not have to fit around the other parent’s choice of job. If they had a fixed arrangement, eg of a midweek overnight then either your DP would have to be available or find care the same way the resident parent does.

HeckyPeck · 24/04/2019 17:02

Re the shift pattern. Ex’s do not have to fit around the other parent’s choice of job. If they had a fixed arrangement, eg of a midweek overnight then either your DP would have to be available or find care the same way the resident parent does

The ex has said she doesn’t want this though and only wants the kids to go there when their dad is there. That’s fair enough of course, but it’s not like the dad has demanded the ex work around his shifts.