Looking for opinions about looking after SC

[Princessphoebe75]

My DH has 3 children from a former relationship, and over the last few years their mum has asked him to have SC whilst she goes on holiday. Absolutely no problems with this at first, it started as a one off. Then it was twice and between now and September 2020 there is over 3 weeks she has asked about. The problem is, they are always during term time and it feels like my DHs holiday leave is being consumed every single year, and the time off he has is being dictated to us by his EXW . DH doesn't want to say no but we have to save some of our annual holidays to cover our own DC during the school holidays. We know we should be having them, but it feels a bit unfair that DH cannot choose when he wants some holidays. Is there anything we can do about this? Just to add that we have them every week, not always set nights etc due to DH shifts but we live in a small town and even if they're not staying overnight one or all of them may call in to ours. DH relationship with EXW is not that great, amicable terms for the childrens sake.

@canileavenowplease - so if as second wife I'd have come on here and said I'm so frustrated that I have to do school runs, and fit my job around my DH shift pattern. I'm pretty certain every single response would have been the standard you should have thought about that before having children. EVERY SINGLE RESPONSE would have said the same - so does that not apply to EXW? She would still be doing it even if they were still together??? Except when DH would be off, which is what we do now??

DH was doing this job prior to them meeting, prior to children. Nothing has changed.

With regards to EXW career, this lady works part time term time, 16.5 hrs a week and has never requested to increase her hours at work since the children started at school. There would have been promotion opportunities - but she has decided she does not want that route. That is completely her choice, her lifestyle and quite frankly we don't care. Like PPs have said at primary school there are before and after school clubs and by high school the children should be able to get themselves to and from school.

So what's her alternative, she enforces set nights every week and if they happen to fall when DH is working, what is the benefit of that to anyone, the children would barely spend any quality time with their dad. I thought parents were supposed to do what is best for their children??

I have never said in any of my posts that EXW is difficult regarding DH shift patterns, in fact its probably one of the things they agree on is that they should come when he is around. We can probably plan shifts about 6-8 weeks in advance, she knows how it works, we know how it works, bar any emergencies.

She even made it mandatory years back and said he had to be here if they were coming. Now don't get me wrong we also have the "I'm invited to xyz on Saturday night can phoebe have them all, or just so and so as x has other plans with friends, I know you're at work" we are very flexible but I thought that was just common sense all round.

My OP was regarding DH taking holidays during term time where it feels all children were missing out, but as I have said in a PP, I will discuss this with him and perhaps we need to be a bit firmer and insist they get themselves to school. They would be last to leave the house so I know DH would worry about it !!!

so does that not apply to EXW? She would still be doing it even if they were still together???

They are not together, are they? The responsibility is still shared but the expectation is that each household covers its own expenses.

16.5 hrs a week and has never requested to increase her hours at work since the children started at school

How could you possibly know whether she wanted to up her hours or look for another job?

I thought parents were supposed to do what is best for their children?

So what you are proposing is your partner can carry on regardless and his ex has to fit around that? What if the children preferred a dad who doesn’t work shifts? Presumably he would tell them it was his job or no money? But the ex has to do ‘what is best’? What if the ex gets a new job and wants fixed contact to help her manage it?

I can see that the ex insisting your partner must be around is the crux of the problem but denying that shift working is also problematic when parents are trying to co-parent is also a problem.

so if as second wife I'd have come on here and said I'm so frustrated that I have to do school runs, and fit my job around my DH shift pattern. I'm pretty certain every single response would have been the standard you should have thought about that before having children. EVERY SINGLE RESPONSE would have said the same

I don't think so. And certainly not in regards to three secondary school aged children.

your husband needs to parent properly - don't let them stay up late, wake them up on time and send them off to get the bus to school.

The ex doesn't get to dictate the rules in your house.

If their father can't be arsed parenting them properly then it's HIM you need to be getting pissed off at.

@canileave... I'm not sure you have read any of my posts? Not sure why you seem to have a problem with DH shift work when this is the one thing that they both don't have an issue with shift work wasn't what I asked about.
How do I know she hasn't requested an increase in hours - she has told DH.
How do I know she doesn't want promotion- she has told DH.
How do I know she doesn't want another job - she has told DH.
She has a great job, well paid, completely flexible working hours, job security, local, pension provision. Good at it from what I know. Not sure why all this is relevant.... but since you asked.
We cover all our own expenses not quite sure what you mean?
Ok so i accept that things do change and if she ever did want to change careers then obviously we would have a discussion.

@keepyerbrowson - yeah ok !! I think I'll try it and see what responses I get. Oh and children are not always secondary school age.

@cantstopmenow, we do have rules at our house. Electronics are turned off at a reasonable time. Everybody is up early enough, it seems to work at our house. Obviously holiday or weekend contact can be a bit different. I also understand its difficult for them to have to adopt 2 different house rules, but it's how I would be with my own DC.

Hi OP, I've read most of the thread and you do say that you want opinions ....

I honestly don't know of any secondary school children who don't make their own way to school. DD from age 11, on her own, would make her breakfast and get ready for her walk to the bus stop, bus, walk to school. We did a dry run before she started Year 7. I'm a sole parent and had to leave for work before she did. She would then make her way home, and I would roll in at 6.30 or 7. She would text to say that she was at home .... I didn't really think anything of it.

I appreciate that this hasn't been your choice and I don't know how old the DSC are - will this be continuing into the sixth form? Very unusual if so.

@lobsterquadrille2 - I completely agree I did exactly the same at 11. I was by myself and back in the day we didn't even have mobiles !!!

I'm going to chat with DH and suggest we try them getting themselves to school. I think it will help if perhaps we have a few try outs when we have them and DH is still around in the morning and see how we go.

@Princessphoebe75 yes, DD finds it archaic that in case of an emergency we had to carry 10p pieces in our purse belts for use in the one payphone in the school.

Sounds like a good plan going forward - really hope you can work something out. Best of luck!

OP how are the children going to become independent if they are ferried to and from school, and don't know how to lock up a house? If they are late for school they need to learn their own individual actions have consequences.

By not giving them more independence as they grow older you are all hampering their development.

As others have said, they can walk 10 minutes at either end.

He needs to stop taking annual leave for this and if he can't facilitate or accommodate it, then he needs to say no.

@tisonlymeagain what you mean say no. They are his children. He isn't helping out. 3 weeks in 18 months that's not a lot.

I agree, they get themselves to school.
I used to start work at 8 am and school started at 8.45, so mine got themselves to school in secondary school.
They also had to cook one night a week, clean up 2 nights a week, take turns to feed the dog and do their own washing.
They got $50 a week to pay for phones, makeup, outfits and outings.
They now budget very well and are very independent young women.
Good luck

OP - by insisting they only came round when their DF was at home - has saved you a huge amount of step kid child care. This has made your DP face up to looking after his DCS.

She hs done you such a huge favour.

Not really @stuffedpeppers - she wanted the children to come when dad was here so they spent time with their dad, and not for us to have put them in wrap around care !! If she wanted to do that she did that herself. We wouldn't have needed it as at the time I only worked part time so i would have swapped my days to have them. But as stated many times over, this arrangement was not what their mum wanted.

OP - am not sure you want to hear opinions in your mind - she is bad and dictating your life but to most people she is actually being quite reasonable, accommodates shifts and all you can do is criticise her expecting the DF to look after his DCs, bend aorund his work habits, ask with months of notice for child care and do most of the child care. She works part time - she pays her way etc etc etc and the SDCs are comfortable in both places.
You have rules in your house which are infinitely better than hers etc etc.

This for most blended families is pretty damn near Utopia.

What do you actually want people to say?

OP I think what's frustrating about your post is that you seem to think the children are the responsibility of the mother, with the father helping out almost as a favour.

No. They are jointly responsible. If she's going away for a week of course he should have them! He's their dad! If she has them the majority then it's hardly a big ask.

No - she doesn't have to fit around his shifts. Credit to her that she's fine with it. If he were responsible for them in a single parent way, he'd have to simply change his job.

You know - like she did to accommodate their school holidays?!

OP you come across as a reasonable person - why can't you see that he is jointly responsible?!

Many mums change their jobs in order to have children - happens all the time. I'm sure you've had to. Why not the dads?

I think she's being very reasonable. Sounds like she does the lions share of the child care anyway.

Unless the ex wife is dictating that your DSC can't use public transport/walk 10 mins then it's not her fault that your DH is using up annual leave enabling unnecessary door-to-door lifts to and from school.

Is he a bit of a disney dad in other areas? Is he worried they wont want to come and stay if they have to make a bit of effort themselves? Although if the extra time is because their mum is away on holiday it's not like they can refuse to stay is it.

She's taking the piss, OP. Ignore those here who seem to think the first family are golden children. Tell her either they start going to school on their own or you won't have them.

acomingin where does OP say that the ex wife has dictated the DSC's can't take public transport to and from school? Only that he's around for the majority of their contact time which is fair enough imo unless she's saying that DCSs can never be left alone with the OP even for short periods.

i.e the way I read it is that mum drops the kids off because it's more or less on her way to work anyway so the DH has taken it upon himself to assume he has to do the same even though it's not convenient. That's where the issue is.

@acomingin

I don't think anyone is saying the first family are golden children.

I think they're saying they are his children.

Therefore his equal responsibility

I hate the way the responsibility is always assumed to be on the female, with the male 'helping out'. They are fathers not babysitters.

But yes, agree with @MyCatHatesEverybody - I don't think she said the children had to be driven to school - just that's what she does as it works for her. No reason why they can't get themselves there.

I think it's time the kids made the 10 minute walk and your husband juggle his work around his kids school times.

There's no need for him to be taking a week of leave for this.

I'm struggling to see the issue here, They're his children too. All of my annual leave is worked in around my childrens term dates - I don't have a single day of it to use to myself - The sacrifice to make when you have children!